help?

Discussion in 'Homesteading Questions' started by CaptnFluffly, Dec 5, 2004.

  1. CaptnFluffly

    CaptnFluffly New Member

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    A friend of mine is in a bad spot. I've seen you guys help out in a similar situations so I figure its worth a shot.
    My friends husband just left her. She's 19. She's pregnant and no place to go. She's been living with me for the last 2 months but I do not have the money to support her much longer and with the baby on the way I don't know what to do. Her parents will not let her move back in and neither will her ex's parents.
    I wish that there was more that I could do but I've run out of ideas and resources. Any ideas?

    God Bless.
    Jen
     
  2. JanO

    JanO Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I hope that she's at least making an effort to help you out. Under the circumstances she should be able to qualify for state aid. Otherwise known as welfare...And, since her husband left they will make him responsible. She may also qualify for housing assistance. Check out your local housing authority or HUD programs. Of course this isn't a permanent solution, but it may help get her by at least until the baby comes.

    It's wonderful that your trying to help this girl, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of things, she has to find a way to help herself. Do you know why her family or her ex's family refuse to help? Maybe they know something that you don't... I think that under the circumstances, I would want to know.
     

  3. CaptnFluffly

    CaptnFluffly New Member

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    I do know why she's not allowed to go home. I've known her since grade school. Her parents strongly dislike the man she married because they had premarital sex. When she found out she was pregnant they got married. I don't know why the ex's family refuses to help. They want nothing to do with her or the child. She's been trying to get state aid but it hasnt gone through yet. She helps out when she can but times are hard right about now so were kinda in a bad spot.
     
  4. Maura

    Maura Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Welfare laws are changing and she may not be able to stay on aid after the baby turns six months. The state may help her to get a low paying job that will keep her in poverty. She needs to act NOW by going to the local college and talking with an academic counselor, and a financial aid counselor. Sometimes there is help for "displaced homemakers", which she is. She needs to be careful to prepare herself for a job that can support her family, not a low paying job like nurse's aid. Colleges have tests that help to sort out what a person's abilities are so that she can get started in the right direction. If she is in college, the state may continue to give her aid until she has a degree.

    If she puts off getting an education, especially now that she is a mother, she may never be able to work at a decent wage.
     
  5. mpillow

    mpillow Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Take her to a shelter for women in a nearby town/city...they will help her connect with housing....The WIC women infant childrens program will also help if she just asks. The womens shelter may be for battered women but she can claim emotional abuse if her hubby abandoned her....
     
  6. motivated

    motivated Well-Known Member

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    There are also crisis pregnancy centers all over and they can get her hooked up with medical aid.
    Jodi
     
  7. Ann-NWIowa

    Ann-NWIowa Well-Known Member Supporter

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    She should also qualify for food stamps. If there is a shelter in your area, that is the place for her to go especially if there has been any violence or threats of violence. They provide emotional support, counseling, and some legal aid...enough to nail her husband for support anyway. In Iowa applying for FIP will get Child Support Recovery on his case faster than anything else she could do. WIC is great help for PG women and babies. They provide nutritional education as well as food coupons. The community college idea is a very good one especially for someone so young. Two years of vocational training will make a huge difference in her earnings thru the years. Sounds like she is in victim mode...she needs to get into survivor mode and move forward which isn't easy when you're 19 and pg! Maybe she just needs to get mad, really mad at everyone who's rejected her and decide to show them she is capable of taking care of herself and her child. Someone once said the best revenge is to live a good life.
     
  8. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    My sister ended up in a similar situation, as did a friend of mine. This is what they did.

    My sister could not work while she was pregnant, her medical condition was too fragile. After the baby was born, she got a job on an assembly line while my folks provided free child care. My sister went to night school, got a degree, and moved up in her company. She is a chief technical writer for a computer firm now, and her son is long since grown.

    Because of her parents lack of interest, your friend might not be able to rely on them for free baby sitting.

    My friend, however, made it with minimal parent support. By a coincidence, she was ALSO 19!

    First off, she qualified for WIC. That means food stamps. Your friend can apply tomorrow, if she wishes (and if she hasn't applied already). Secondly, she qualified for section 8 housing. Because of Section 8 housing she got a decent 2 bedroom apartment for $98 a month. Thirdly, she applied for and got a Pell grant.

    A pell grant makes it possible for a person to go to school so that they can properly support her family. So, instead of supporting her for a few years on welfare, the government paid for her support and 2 years of schooling so that she gets to pay taxes on her good income for the next 45 years. A win-win situation.

    She was allowed to apply the Pell grant to her housing, her food, child care, and school fees and supplies. In other words, the Pell grant paid for darned near everything that WIC and section 8 housing did not.

    My friend made it through her first year of nursing class, which gave her her LPN degree. She then worked part-time as an LPN while going to school full time, which earned her her RN degree.

    Some nursing schools are "Stepped" programs so that you can get an LPN degree after a year and some are not. Pointed questions need to be asked.

    At this point she was no longer eligible for a Pell grant, but that no longer mattered. She was able to support herself and her daughter. She moved into a prettier apartment, and I lost track of her at this point.

    The BEST point is, a loan has to be paid back. A pell grant is a GRANT, and does not need to be paid back.

    Jen, in the past few months your friend has lost her family AND her husband. She feels betrayed by everyone who she loved the most. It is possible that they had cause to not help her but even so she MUST feel betrayed!

    She is likely depressed. But, for the sake of her child AND herself she needs to get MAD! She needs to get VERY mad!

    Then, she needs to KICK *****!!!!
     
  9. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    She needs to tell her caseworker that she is homeless (which she is as soon as you boot her out). If they can't help, start calling around to find any agencies that might help. You can appeal to local churces as well. A shelter might be her only option.

    Usually there are emergency provisions for aid if someone is homeless. Welfare no longer pay people to go to school, they have to get a job or starve.

    How far along is she? Is she looking for work? Temp agencies are a good place.

    I have a 19 year old daughter that I will not allow back in my house to live (we are on good terms, but she CANNOT live here). Believe me, that is a decision made out of self-preservation for myself and the rest of the family. It didn't come easy, but it was the only way we could survive her fiascos. It could be her family is unreasonable, but it could also be that she burned that bridge.

    Jena
     
  10. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    "Usually there are emergency provisions for aid if someone is homeless. Welfare no longer pay people to go to school, they have to get a job or starve."

    Pell grants are not welfare. It is a different agency with different rules. Do a google search under Pell Grants. You will see it.
     
  11. MorrisonCorner

    MorrisonCorner Mansfield, VT for 200 yrs

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    Ok, here's my question...you've got suggestions... but what were you hoping for?

    Truthfully, we can't be Deus Ex Machina here... but did these suggestions help, or were you hoping for something else?
     
  12. Hoop

    Hoop Well-Known Member

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    Seems like this girl is the poster child for why abortions are legal. A 19 year old kid, that obviously can't even take care of herself, will now be bringing another child into the world.
    She should consider an abortion.....seeing that her life is currently pretty much in the toilet.

    Whether its right for her is a matter she needs to decide.
     
  13. Wendy

    Wendy Well-Known Member

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    Sorry, but I don't think killing her baby is going to help her any. That was the worst advice I ever heard! Why not suggest she give the baby up for adoption instead?? I would think any adoptive parents would take care of the medical bills & perhaps even help her out with housing & care while pregnant. How is killing an innocent baby a good choice?? :(
     
  14. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    There is also an organization called the lighthouse, which I THINK is nationwide. They give free room and board to young, pregnant girls. I don't know what their requirements are, though.
     
  15. Jan Doling

    Jan Doling Well-Known Member

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    The problem with adoption is that the baby's father can step in at any point and take the baby and leave the mother out of the loop. He can be living with a woman of very low standards that might abuse the child. There is no guarantee the child will go to a loving home instead if biological relatives. The mother would not have much control.
     
  16. seedspreader

    seedspreader AFKA ZealYouthGuy

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    Firstly, the problem with abortion is it stops a beating heart.

    Secondly, If she is willing to have an abortion her concerns wouldn't be for the safety of the baby, nor would she need to have "control" as you put it.

    Thirdly, what a bogus scare tactic. The vast majority of adoptions in America go smoothly and it is so regulated that only the most priviliged families can do it anymore.

    Fourthly, did anyone else notice we haven't heard back from the original poster yet? Who knows the reality of this story

    Fifthly, well, I just wanted to type the world fifthly... :D
     
  17. mpillow

    mpillow Well-Known Member Supporter

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    You don't have to be priviliged to adopt! We have a very special cutey that we adopted.....but we did pass background check, have a homestudy done and prove we were financially stabile. Oh and we had experience parenting but they even let people without experience do it.

    So whats the young pg lady to do? Hopefully she'll take advantage of the system and make a life for herself and child. If the in laws want nothing to do with her maybe she should move far a way before she has the kid and then nail dad for support and not have the in laws playing games with her.

    FYI My girls better not get married/pregnant before age 25-30 or I'll blow a gasket....
     
  18. marvella

    marvella Well-Known Member

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    how odd that this thread drifted off into abortion and adoption.... didn't anyone notice that this is only the second post this person made? kind of like walking into someone's living room with their hand out..... tis the season y'all.... ;)
     
  19. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    It is ALSO a time of monumental family arguements.

    In life, things happen. So I cheerfully give all that I can affort to give....which is advice. :haha: I see no reason at this time to be suspicious of someone who says they are having hard times.

    Hard times happen, even at Christmas time.
     
  20. almostthere

    almostthere Well-Known Member

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    My sil got a pell grant right after she left her abusive husband. They paid for everything, books, tuition, supplies, daycare(on campus), they even paid for gas in her car to get to school. They would either pay for gas or bus tokens.....the aid is out there, your friend just needs to find a good worker who is willing to help.