Below, you will read Wendy's update from today. I'll be very direct by saying that Nathan called me this afternoon to say that their friend Josh had passed away this afternoon, but he had a smile because he got the Air Jordan shoes he wanted, and someone had donated the funds for his Make-A-Wish trip to China that he will not now get to experience. As Nathan told me, any smile you give a dying child is worth it.
Nathan did sound better today, and Cole's rallying from this round of chemo. The next one is set to start on July 13.
July 06, 2007 at 06:20 PM CDT
Cole is doing much better today. He didnât get a good nightâs rest and then got a rude awakening to go to the CAT scan but felt good the rest of the day. In fact, he was up playing, jumping on the couch, painting, and even riding the tractor around the floor. His bilirubin is back to normal, and we will be taking off of the pain pump by tomorrow.
The cultures came back positive for yeast, which was to be expected, and maybe now the doctors will pay more attention to what we have to say. I just wish they wouldâve run the proper meds four days ago when I told them to. The CAT scan did come back with some questionable material on his lungs. Basically that is referring back to the pneumonia that we were told about a few weeks ago. The doctors are sure that they can eradicate it but Nathan and I have reservations about how well he will remain through two more rounds of chemo and even higher dosed transplant drugs. It is a hazy battle of risk that we venture every day. Beside the point, Cole is feeling better today and we couldnât be more happy.
At the same time, I am still a mosh pit of emotion. I feel guilty telling my friend that Cole is doing much better and even playing when she has just lost her precious Joshua. As I was sitting with Shawn while they made a molding of his handprints, I realized the truth to what my friend Lisa (Rayleyâs mother) had said. As family is around, they donât understand the pain that we go through every day. How do you go through seven months of hell only then to be told that heaven is open for your child? If the hope that we cling to everyday is only temporary, isnât it better to lose your child quickly? Isnât it better to face the realization sooner rather than have your child continue to put energy into healing and fighting? How do you share the same breath with your child for months only to lose half of it in the end? In a situation where I have no words, the only comfort is that Shawn was able to raise such a perfect child in only 16 years that God was ready for him to fulfill his next task in heaven. What a blessing to be able to raise such a wonderful child that even God canât wait to receive him!
Although I am ecstatic about Coleâs improvement, I feel spoiled that not every child here can experience that. Similarly, how can I compare our treatment to the battle a lot of mothers have with giving cough medicine? All in all, as tired as I was when I had to give Cole a bath at 2:30 this morning to soothe his pain, I know that there are parents who wish they were still able to do those things.
The people you meet and the trials you face are a daily reminder of lifeâs capricious journey and delicately balanced frame. Things hinge on a list of blood chemistries and calculations. I never thought taking a temperature would make me so anxious. I concur with Nathan: the longer we are here, the more scared I become thinking of what Cole must endure. I am more worried now knowing that these problems can rage through each round of chemo growing stronger with each wave. In my gut I know that our path was placed before us and this is the treatment Cole should be receiving but the emotions tend to overwhelm the faith a little more with each war fought and each war lost for some of our friends. Please continue to pray for peace for us all. We are a big family here, and I too taste the salty tears of Joshuaâs loved ones.
P.S. Joshua was able to get his Wish. A friend of Shawnâs gave her money to cover a flight to China. Nathan also went to the mall last night to buy Joshua a pair of size 8, all white, first off the shelves Air Jordans.