I have been a fool
Now I know why I have been a miserable Christian all these years.
Every time I failed to find the life God promised, and so I felt a failure. It was less stressful to live for myself, than to try to live for God. I never found that rest He promised. Only striving and wrestling and failing, over and over.
And so I would leave God to live for myself, because the Christian life was too hard and too miserable. For several years I would go along my way, and then as fate would have it, I would hear Him calling me again, and I would try again to please God.
Whenever I came back, I told myself, "This time it will different. This time I will trust God. This time I will have faith." I would pray for God's help all the time! Help me to understand your word. Help me not to sin. Help me to love you. Help me to love others.
I would tithe, go to church, read my Bible, help others, not cuss any more, quit drinking, try to toe the righteous line. TRY MY VERY BEST TO PLEASE GOD. Working and working at it every day.
Yesterday, God said to me...
O foolish Kelly, who hath bewitched you, that ye should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ hath been evidently set forth, crucified among you?
This only would I learn of you, Received ye the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?
OH MY GOODNESS! I always believed I was saved by grace, but then I sinned by trying to serve God through my evil flesh. Oh yes, I knew all about the promise of His putting His Spirit in me. But, I never saw the reality of that promise. Know ye not that ye are the temple? I never really, really, really grasped that THE SPIRIT OF GOD HIMSELF lives in me. (that the Spirit of God Himself LIVES IN ME!) The Spirit that RAISED CHRIST FROM THE DEAD lives in me.
He has come in to sup with me. Sweet fellowship!
No longer will I pray, God, help me to see. But I will pray, God, show me.
I will not pray, God help me to love. But, God, love through me.
I will not pray, God help me to understand your word, but God give me revelation knowledge as I read Your word.
I can do nothing but through the Spirit of God.
I am taking me and my flesh out of the equation. Not God help me to do this, but God do this through me.
I have a poor relationship with my mother. I have been praying, God, help me to get along with her better. Now I am praying, God, by your Holy Spirit allow your love to work through me, and our relationship will change.
I have been frustrating the grace of God. I was saved by His grace, but then served Him, not by His grace, not by His Spirit, but with my flesh.
I was trying to do it all. I was trying to please Him, but in my flesh. Just as I tried to please my parents as a child. Trying to earn that love that never came. I was trying to earn God's love. Not resting in His love and enjoying fellowship with His Spirit living in me.
All my works have been in vain. Only through the Holy Spirit can I please God.
Now, I know I am nothing, save only by the Spirit of God am I anything at all.
I can only serve God, the way He deserves to be served, through the grace of His Holy Spirit.
By His grace I am saved, and only by His grace am I able to serve Him.
Now I know why I have been a miserable Christian all these years.
Every time I failed to find the life God promised, and so I felt a failure. It was less stressful to live for myself, than to try to live for God. I never found that rest He promised. Only striving and wrestling and failing, over and over.
And so I would leave God to live for myself, because the Christian life was too hard and too miserable. For several years I would go along my way, and then as fate would have it, I would hear Him calling me again, and I would try again to please God.
Whenever I came back, I told myself, "This time it will different. This time I will trust God. This time I will have faith." I would pray for God's help all the time! Help me to understand your word. Help me not to sin. Help me to love you. Help me to love others.
I would tithe, go to church, read my Bible, help others, not cuss any more, quit drinking, try to toe the righteous line. TRY MY VERY BEST TO PLEASE GOD. Working and working at it every day.
Yesterday, God said to me...
O foolish Kelly, who hath bewitched you, that ye should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ hath been evidently set forth, crucified among you?
This only would I learn of you, Received ye the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?
OH MY GOODNESS! I always believed I was saved by grace, but then I sinned by trying to serve God through my evil flesh. Oh yes, I knew all about the promise of His putting His Spirit in me. But, I never saw the reality of that promise. Know ye not that ye are the temple? I never really, really, really grasped that THE SPIRIT OF GOD HIMSELF lives in me. (that the Spirit of God Himself LIVES IN ME!) The Spirit that RAISED CHRIST FROM THE DEAD lives in me.
He has come in to sup with me. Sweet fellowship!
No longer will I pray, God, help me to see. But I will pray, God, show me.
I will not pray, God help me to love. But, God, love through me.
I will not pray, God help me to understand your word, but God give me revelation knowledge as I read Your word.
I can do nothing but through the Spirit of God.
I am taking me and my flesh out of the equation. Not God help me to do this, but God do this through me.
I have a poor relationship with my mother. I have been praying, God, help me to get along with her better. Now I am praying, God, by your Holy Spirit allow your love to work through me, and our relationship will change.
I have been frustrating the grace of God. I was saved by His grace, but then served Him, not by His grace, not by His Spirit, but with my flesh.
I was trying to do it all. I was trying to please Him, but in my flesh. Just as I tried to please my parents as a child. Trying to earn that love that never came. I was trying to earn God's love. Not resting in His love and enjoying fellowship with His Spirit living in me.
All my works have been in vain. Only through the Holy Spirit can I please God.
Now, I know I am nothing, save only by the Spirit of God am I anything at all.
I can only serve God, the way He deserves to be served, through the grace of His Holy Spirit.
By His grace I am saved, and only by His grace am I able to serve Him.