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Discussion Starter #1
*sigh*

I've never posted a rant like this before, but I am so at wits end.

SO is about 300 pounds overweight, minimum -- the man weighs over 500 pounds. He's supposed to be looking into bariatric surgery, but hasn't yet filled out the paperwork. While I'm not prejudiced against overweight folks, he's breaking the furniture, has popped the seams on the upholstery on my couch, my truck has a permanent sag on the driver's side from him driving (he drives far more than I do), I've had to have my front steps rebuilt because we were worried they wouldn't hold his weight. Etc. etc. etc. He WILL NOT diet -- he drinks 4-5 sodas or sugary (bottled) ice teas a day, plus buys the absolute worst choices in food whether eating out or buying groceries.

And then he blames ME for "shrinking" his clothing in the wash. (I stopped doing his laundry.)

And speaking of laundry ... We are currently hauling water pending a permit to drill a new community well. What does he do? He washes ONE SHEET in the laundry that was dirty, despite a whole hamper of other whites that could have gone in the laundry, because he needed a sheet for the bed. Note that we are on a SHARED (community) water system with several neighbors, so if we run out of water from the tank, the whole community suffers, not just us.

But the biggest issues is finances. I caught him in a lie -- he told me he owed $400-600 on a credit card two months ago and was paying it off at $200 a month. (This balance is from before we ever got together. I owe $0.00 on credit cards at the moment ... he owed about $2,000 two years ago.) Friday, he tells me he owes a grand and was paying it off at $125 a month. Today, I accidentally found the credit card statement while looking for a pen -- I wasn't deliberately snooping -- and discovered he owes $1300 and DIDN'T make his last payment.

The man makes around $1700-2000 a month, take home. His car payment is $300 and his insurance payment is around $150. ... which are the sum total of "his" expenses.

He is NOT paying to help with household expenses. He spends his money on video games, books, and junk food.

Granted, I net 2X what he does, but I also work two jobs, usually putting in 80+ hours a week. I really think he should be paying towards household expenses. I *bought* this house when I was making less than he takes home a day. And I've never, ever, not paid a bill on time.

We commute to the day job together. He doesn't pay for gas, I do. (Granted, we are driving in his car much of the time, because it gets better gas mileage, and leaving mine parked, so that I don't mind covering the gas since we're beating his car up ... but it sure helps with his disposable income.) If we eat out, I pay. I pay ALL the utilities, including internet. I pay the mortgage -- I own the house, but really feel he should be paying something since he LIVES here. I pay for about 75% of groceries. Most of the groceries he buys are things I'd never buy for myself. I do not eat processed junk food much, unless I'm starving and there's nothing else.

And speaking of groceries ... I went into town to get groceries. I TOLD him I was going, yesterday, to get groceries.

After I left, he went into the other town (we're between two towns) and went grocery shopping THERE and bought a whole bunch of processed food that only he will eat plus he bought DUPLICATES of the some of the things I was buying. I have a cell phone -- he could have called me if he actually wanted to ask me to pick something up. It would have avoided the duplicates ... Instead, I ended up gassing up his car when we went to the movies later. And he knew we were going to the movies later, too, so he could have waited and we could have gotten his snacks after the movie.

His excuse for not calling me was that he didn't think of my cell phone (!) and he didn't think I'd remember the things he was getting (!). (Well, hello, wait for me to get back and find out.) Honestly, I think he was just bored, but that's not an excuse to spend $$$.

And then when I got home I discovered he'd apparently gotten frustrated with the chain on the gate. He partially dismantled the gate for some reason ... And then DIDN'T FIX IT!!!!!! He just left it with a big honking hole in it and claimed he didn't see the hole -- even though he had done the damage. And my dogs were out! I have heeler mixes and the neighbors have livestock. I have a safe, secure yard for them FOR A REASON.

*this is me beating my head against the wall*

He is mechanically inept, which is fine -- I'm pretty mechanically ept. I can teach him. Or my *father* is willing. Yet, every time one of us offers to teach him something, he gets sick. It's happened often enough for there to be a pattern there. And there have been times we've NEEDED another hand -- I remember my father working on a shed and he "got sick" and spent the day in front of the computer at my father's place. We could really have used someone to fetch and carry and pass tools up and he might have learned a lot. Generally speaking, if there's physical work going on, he'll cook a meal but he's just not going to join in. And yes, he's overweight, but dang it, I've got some major health problems too.

Oh, I work 80 hours a week between two jobs. He works about 40-48 at one job. One of my jobs is a home business that I operate out of the house. It's quite lucrative but it's also a ton of work. He (1) doesn't seem to grasp that there are expenses and taxes and the gross is NOT the take home pay and (2) that I really AM working. I've spent all day WORKING, as in, getting up before dawn and finishing long after dark, and had him wonder, when he comes home later after being out with friends or at the day job on a day I didn't have work, why the house is dirty.

He only does chores around the house if I complain, and then they're done halfhearted. We're talking, "clean the kitchen, please" gets the dishes done ... except for a few soaking in the sink. Counter's still dirty, floor's filthy, table's filthy. He will do NOTHING unless asked. And reminded. And asked again. And either I do it myself or I suffer the mess until he does.

It is very, very, very tempting to tell the SO to take a hike. I am so beyond frustrated.

However ... we work at the same company for our day jobs, and I WOULD see him every day if I did. And despite the fact that he's been there two years and I've been there ten, he outranks me -- he's on a management track. This is simply because he *IS* good at his job, and I have absolutely positively no desire to be in management. Nada. I like my position and department quite a bit and don't really want to change or go anywhere else, so I've never gotten ambitious. Supervisors don't make enough to make it worthwhile, anyway.

And he's a very charming, funny, intelligent man (which makes this sort of behavior towards me all sorts of annoying) who is very, very popular with his coworkers. He's VERY good at putting a spin on a story and making other people look bad. I can guarantee that I will hear from our coworkers how evil I am and what a terrible person I am if I break up with him. Particularly since he regularly does things like bring little gifts to my desk (stuffed animals, boxes of berries, candy, etc.) that have the other women thinking he's just wonderful. They WILL NOT understand.

My friends? For the last ten years? (Which is how long I've known him -- we've been living together for two) Are his friends. See above about spin, and about people outside the relationship thinking he's absolutely wonderful. I already know who everyone will side with, and it'll be him. Absolutely. (I won't make anyone take sides, but he will -- he'll do his poor-pitiful-me routine.

Which also reminds me how annoying it is to tell him, "I have a massive amount of work to do, no, we cannot have people over this weekend .." ... and then have him invite people over after I said NO. Because they're my friends too, I sort've feel obligated to then play hostess. This has happened twice and both times, I ended up not getting the work done. It's a very small house, so I'd end up sitting in the same room with 'em, trying to ignore them -- or if I'm working on something confidential, not working at all.

So basically, I'm looking for misery at work at best, and losing ALL my friends if I tell him I want to break it off.

*sigh* He is funny, and intelligent, and I do love him, but I'm so at wit's end. This just isn't working and I'm not sure if the love is worth the aggravation. And I'm VERY ----ed about him lying about the credit card thing.

And no, I'm not the best person in a relationship either -- I'm messy, I'm exhausted much of the time, and I have a tendency to simply DO what needs to be done without discussing it with anyone. And I'm sure he has other complaints about me. I'm far from perfect.

Oh, and I make him drive everywhere, but it's because I'm WORKING while he drives. (I can actually get quite a bit done and we have an hour plus commute and the nearest ... anything ... is half an hour away. Internet via cell phone works NICELY.) I'd be up until midnight every night if I didn't do this. (I also work on the home business on my lunches from the day job, in my car.)

I get the feeling he's upset that he has to drive and I won't talk to him while he's driving ... but if he DOES talk to me, it's just to complain about his day at his day job. And I DON'T want to hear the complaints, because, dude, I do the SAME basic job, deal with the SAME issues, and I'd really, really, really like to leave it the day job problems at the day job and not think about it once I walk out the door. He will complain for hours if allowed.

</vent> Anyway ... I'm so frustrated. I think I know how this is eventually going to play out, but I'm at the bursting point on all this. Thanks for, uh, reading this vent.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Replying to myself add, BEFORE he moved in, we discussed finances, and how much he would be paying me for his share of expenses, and he agreed he would pay, but then I found out how much he owed on the credit card and the deal was changed to him paying off the credit card and then paying me -- made sense to me, and I suggested it, because I don't actually NEED his money and we're supposed to be a team and the card needed to be paid off. He hasn't done so yet. In two years. Nor has he SAVED any money.
 

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Don't worry about his weight. Feed him more. He won't be around long enough to be a real problem.

Seriously, I think you need to look at what you are allowing to be done to you.
A rug will always be walked on. Tell him to shape up or ship out, and back it up. You are just building yourself up for a hard fall.
 

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USMC can't fix stupid(s)
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agree to disagree.
bottom line, do you love him.... for keeps?
are kids involved?
if not, figure something out.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
susieM said:
Are you sure you wanna keep him?

Try cutting up his credit cards and throwing out all the junkfood and see if that does the trick. Maybe he'll leave on his own.
Meh. The credit card is canceled. I do not buy junk food except for the occasional box of cookies -- but he's quite capable of getting his own junk food. It's not like i can't tell him, "Don't go to the grocery store."
 

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He is an addict. He is addicted to food, yes, but he is still an addict.

And, if you "know how this is going to play out" then you can continue in this same path and GUARENTEE it, or you can seek out advice (like you are doing here) and/or counseling and give yourself a chance at a different future.

I wish you well. I can see that you love him, but it sounds like you have too much on your plate and that you do not DARE to cut back! Hopefully a solution can be found!
 

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New man, new job. IMHO, you're being taken for a ride, honey, in more ways than one.

God save us from "charming" men -- my experience is that they generally have *learned* to be charming to cover up some pretty major personality flaws.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
gleanerl said:
agree to disagree.
bottom line, do you love him.... for keeps?
are kids involved?
if not, figure something out.
No kids.

I thought I loved him for keeps. I think he figures I still do.
 

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cygnet.. re read your post..
Bariatric surgery will not work for some one that CAN, will not diet.. Pack his stuff and put him on his way.
Why do you insist on carrying 500 pounds of trouble on your shoulders.. He is Dead weight period.
 

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USMC can't fix stupid(s)
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Cygnet said:
No kids.

I thought I loved him for keeps. I think he figures I still do.
what do you figure?
 

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Cygnet said:
Meh. The credit card is canceled. I do not buy junk food except for the occasional box of cookies -- but he's quite capable of getting his own junk food. It's not like i can't tell him, "Don't go to the grocery store."
It's your house. Try it and see what happens if you say 'No junkfood in my house'...and mean it.
 

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Big Front Porch advocate
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Cygnet-
I appears that he found his "sugar mama".

I wish you well on whatever you figure out.

Angie
 

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If he cared about you, he wouldn't have lied about the finances.

If he cared about himself, he would do something about his weight problem. He is a heart attack waiting to happen and he will probably have diabetes within a year or so, if he doesn't already.

IMHO, he's taking advantage. Lay down the law and stick to your guns.
 

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I am a Christian American
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I have to tell you what my Dh has always told others, including our kids when they were dating.

Figure out what you want, expect, demand in a relationship.

Then, figure out if you are getting enough of those things with that person.

I know it sounds selfish, but you are simply talking what you need to make a relationship work for you.

If you are not getting what you really need from that relationship it is time to move on. You cannot make others happy at the expense of your own happiness.

No matter how much you love or care about someone, if you are not truly happy it just will not work.

I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Everyone deserves to be happy.

((((hugs)))))
 

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I'd show him this thread and what you wrote. You love him but he's a cute, next to useless PITA and you may have to trade him in for another model sometime in the near future because he's just not emotionally cost effective for you to keep around anymore. To me he sounds like a teen ager who is just trying to see how much they can get away with, not an adult with responsibilities. In a nutshell, he has to grow up if he's going to stay with you. Being intelligent (and I understand how attractive that is) and witty is one thing, but there's a lot of other stuff that has to make an appearance, too.

As for his weight problems, I've never looked into that kind of surgery, but my guess is you have to go into it with the real desire to lose. Buying the food he does he doesn't sound like he's ready to do that yet. I'd say it's more of an "I'll eat like this while I still can" type of thing, which is not really conducive to getting healthy. But that's something he has to work through on his own. No one can really convince you to take care of your health but yourself.

From what you've said it sounds like elements of him using you at least to some degree (his income is used for his comforts/toys, yours is used to maintain both of you). Which from what you've said is ok for the most part if he'd at least try with some of the things you want back from him. I think he has to make some serious choices and probably doesn't want to, and you may be facilitating him to some extent. He's intelligent, so sit down and have a serious talk with him, and don't let him
weasel out of it. Make him aware of how you feel. The financial situation MUST change if nothing else. It would be one thing if he were banking the money in savings for something he/you need, but he's not doing that. Time for him to pull his own weight.

Good luck.

Jennifer
 
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