Homesteading Forum banner
1 - 20 of 35 Posts

·
writing some wrongs
Joined
·
6,873 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Does someone in your life constantly "second guess" you or criticize things you've done, offering up wisdom on how you could've done better? I mean, it's one thing to offer advice and teach someone, but when it happens too often, you get the feeling...I dunno...maybe there's a lack of respect?

DH thinks I am too sensitive. :rolleyes:

This has been going on for years and I have tried to live with it, tried to accept that he is just intending to be helpful and that I shouldn't take it so personally. Honestly I am not ranting about what an awful person he is - he really has good intentions.

But you know, he'll watch the way I cook/clean/load the dishwasher/trim a shrub/wash a window/etc. and decide that he's gotta teach me how to do it better. He is the only one who knows how to arrange the furniture, which color to paint a room, or where to plant that new tree we bought.

Example? He mentioned today that the chicken coop needed to be cleaned out. OK, I'm caught up on schoolwork and have some extra time, so I figure I'll help out and do it so he won't have to. It's gonna get cold tomorrow and it was nice today, so it was a good time. So I scoop out all the wood shavings and replace them, then I decide that I'm gonna rake up all the poop in the pen too. The pen is full of gravel, which makes it hard to clean the pen properly. So I think, this is a good opportunity to get rid of some of the gravel. I rake it up and shovel the whole lot into buckets, haul them way out in back of the barn and, since I can't dump soiled shavings mixed with gravel in the compost pile, I dump them in a pile by the fence line where there's already a mess of rocks and gravel. It's hard work and I'm proud to get it done. I spread fresh wood shavings around the pen, which now looks nice and clean. I give the chickies fresh food and water, and go inside to clean up.

He comes home, goes up to the barn/coop to see the nice work I did, and comes back to tell me it was dumb to put the shavings down because "they'll just blow away." I've done it before, and they didn't. In fact I have been spreading wood shavings there for the past two years and the chickens scratch them into the dirt within a few days. Otherwise the pen would just be full of poopy, rocky mud, but I guess that's why he thinks they're blown away. I tell him I raked up a bunch of gravel so it'll be easier to clean the pen from now on, and he asks where I put it, then heads back up there to see what I did. Comes back to tell me I shouldn't have done that and that he has PUT IT ALL BACK IN THE PEN. Gravel, poopy wood shavings, and all. :grit:

Why? He says he doesn't want to keep the coop there, he wants to move it somewhere else (surely not till next spring?) and wants the gravel. I do not understand the benefit of preserving chicken poopy gravel in an area that will no longer contain chickens; if anything, I thought he wanted to pour concrete there someday, so who cares? And if not, wouldn't you want clean gravel?

I don't get it. I am not stupid, he knows I am not stupid, but he seems to find it necessary to behave as though I am.

Yet when I am doing a job that he wants no part of, suddenly I'm the expert. Like finances, and helping the kids with their homework.

Anybody else deal with this? Is there a way to solve the problem?

I didn't say anything after he told me what he did. I figure, he's the one who usually deals with the chickens (they were gonna be my project, but he took over) so, you know, whatever. This is an ongoing problem, so I usually just do indoor work - housework, my home business, parenting, etc. But he complains that there is too much work to do outdoors, and I would like to help him, but this is what happens and it is so frustrating.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,374 Posts
My DH used to do that. I'd be standing there doing the dishes and he'd come by to tell me how I could be doing them better. I would hand him the sponge and walk away. Repeat ad nauseum for the litterboxes, the laundry (he isn't allowed to TOUCH the laundry so who knows where he gets his expertise), the bread (he's never fooled with yeast), bottleraising kittens, organizing closets... he's been handed alot of sponges/screaming kittens/balls of dough.

Now? LOL, he starts, I look at him... he scampers off. Brat. He knows what happens when he thinks he can imporve upon my perfection. :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,961 Posts
My ex used to do that. Tell me how to crack the nuts I was already cracking. I stopped him dead in his tracks with a simple, "I got this. Thanks." He learned that if he didn't stop right then, it meant that I was too stupid to remember how to cook, wash and iron for a week. :eek: A couple weeks of dirty, wrinkled shirts and peanut butter sandwiches and he learned that whoa, meant whoa. lol
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,881 Posts
Gosh, I feel for you. I would say you need to sit him down and have a talk with him. You sound like a person who doesn't want to make waves so you don't really let him know how you feel. You might say it but he brushes you off. Don't let him do that. You need to let him know in no uncertain terms that it is not acceptable for him to belittle what you do.

He took over your chickens? That would tick me off to no end. You need to stand up for yourself. I don't know how long you have been married but if you don't do something now, it will only get worse.

(((Hugs)))
 

·
Incubator Addict
Joined
·
3,111 Posts
Actually...I'm the guilty party on this sometimes. I suppose it is mostly because I am the one who is home all the time and I know the ins and outs of how the house works better than my husband does.

For example, there is a problem in the plumbing of the kitchen sink between the floor level and the ceiling downstairs. The pipes rest inside each other instead of being connected, so if you try to drain a lot of sudsy water at one time the pipe will overflow where it isn't connected and water spills out into the basement. I explained to my husband that if you use one side to fill with dishsoap and suds, and rinse on the other side the pipe doesn't overflow. He prefers to use only one side, and will let the water flow into the side of the sink with the dishsoap. Then the sink needs to be drained some or it will start running onto the countertop. No problem, except the water is all sudsy and when it gets into the pipe below it will overflow. And then he gets mad and stomps downstairs to make sure nothing is getting dripped on, and is cranky the rest of the night. Plus it uses up more dishsoap and more hot water because he completely drains the soapy water and fills the sink halfway up again before he starts washing more dishes.

So yeah. I'm guilty as charged. (But I would never want stinky chicken poop gravel, I'd choose the wood shavings too!!)

Kayleigh
 

·
I'm a silly filly!!
Joined
·
2,005 Posts
Sounds like a control freak. It's not about you, it's about his need to be in control of everything. Stand up for yourself and make him back up off of you, or let him be in control - it's your choice.
 

·
writing some wrongs
Joined
·
6,873 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yes, and one could also argue that HE is the one getting the poor end of the deal here. And as Ardie said, HE is teaching people how to treat him.

After all, if I can't do all that stuff to his liking, I guess he'll have to do it himself.

Next time the chicken coop needs cleaning, if he asks me to do it I'll just remind him that last time I did it "wrong." That he's better at it than I am.

So if he complains that he's overworked and that nobody ever helps him, it's because he has taught us all that he wants it that way.

I guess my real dilemma here is not that I'm feeling insulted (though I do feel that way...it passes because I have my own world in which I rule, LOL) it's that I feel sorry for the guy. I love him and I wish he wouldn't be so stubborn because in the long run, it hurts him.

And yes, I know my original post didn't sound like that, but it was on my mind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,012 Posts
MY mother use to do that kind of stuff when I still lived at home and if I told her I knew how to do something because I learned how in Home Ec, she'd get mad and call me Miss Know It All!! I finally got mad after her ranting and name calling one day, because I told her I knew how to make a box cake mix and use measuring cups and asked her if that wasn't what she sent me to school for was to learn some of this stuff? It didn't stop her from saying those names, but it did let her know that once I moved out I didn't need her put downs.
My ex also use to stand over me when I did anything and tell me how I could do it better or if I tried a new recipe how he could have made it better, after that when he'd ask why I didn't make something or do a chore again, I told him "why should I?" "I never do it to his satisfaction anyway and figured he could do it better, so I'd let him make or handle it".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,541 Posts
My ex boyfriend,used to treat me that way. The relationship didn't last very long. I think you love your husband, yet you must have the heart of a saint,cause that kinda stuff just drives me crazy
 

·
nosey, but disinterested
Joined
·
3,220 Posts
Mine used to do that. Then I started doing it to him. Took a while but he caught on and stopped. It took longer than it should have, though, because I didn't always remember to correct him because it didn't come natural to me like it did to him. Diligence paid off though.
 

·
In Memorium
Joined
·
15,516 Posts
Mine used to do that. Then I started doing it to him. Took a while but he caught on and stopped. It took longer than it should have, though, because I didn't always remember to correct him because it didn't come natural to me like it did to him. Diligence paid off though.
Good idea! Give him a dose of his own medicine!

Seriously, it is plain lack of respect! If a men respects and loves his wife, he treats her with love and respect. It's that simple. Nothing complicated about that.

Edayna, you're not being too sensitive, he is being a clod. Maybe you should tell him where to shove it....if you get my drift. Then, walk away from him. If you aren't there to tolerate his verbal abuse, he won't have a target.
And, yes, that is a form of verbal abuse.
 

·
Always Thinking
Joined
·
3,296 Posts
I read your post this morning, and decided I should not be the first to reply. Sorry.

Set some boundaries, Edayna. He does this because you allow it. Tell him it's gotten old, it's unneccesary and even at times insulting. And then stick to your guns...make sure there are negatve consequences for him when he 'corrects' you.

Truly, I couldn't live with it. The ex was controlling like that. There were so many discussions where I tried to reason with him. Hence... he's now the EX. (There were other abusive qualities that worsened until I finally gave up.)

LOL...I'm reminded of telling him I wanted a divorce:

him: "We don't have that kind of problem"
me: "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. All you do is correct my efforts, point out my shortcomings and NAG me, everyday! We have...NOTHING!"

Good idea! Give him a dose of his own medicine!

Seriously, it is plain lack of respect! If a men respects and loves his wife, he treats her with love and respect. It's that simple. Nothing complicated about that.

Edayna, you're not being too sensitive, he is being a clod. Maybe you should tell him where to shove it....if you get my drift. Then, walk away from him. If you aren't there to tolerate his verbal abuse, he won't have a target.
And, yes, that is a form of verbal abuse.
I totally agree.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
27,945 Posts
My dh used to do that. He learned he didn't know it all when I was breast feeding our first baby and he kept telling me I was doing it wrong. I handed him the baby and said then you do it and walked away.

He still occasionally does that, I drop whatever and walk off. The only thing that keeps me from doing it to him is knowing that others HAVE to learn the right way to do whatever and they can't get their way of doing it with my hands in it. My grandma taught me that, she is a very smart lady. Some people just never learn how to let go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,541 Posts
Good idea! Give him a dose of his own medicine!

Seriously, it is plain lack of respect! If a men respects and loves his wife, he treats her with love and respect. It's that simple. Nothing complicated about that.

Edayna, you're not being too sensitive, he is being a clod. Maybe you should tell him where to shove it....if you get my drift. Then, walk away from him. If you aren't there to tolerate his verbal abuse, he won't have a target.
And, yes, that is a form of verbal abuse.
:rock:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,945 Posts
Don't feel bad Ladies. My wonderful and loving wife does the same for me. But she loves me. It drives me crazy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,534 Posts
I was always told, never correct your husband or wife when they're helping you with the housework or the kids, because they could just say ok if you can do it better then do it, and would never help you again. I sure didn't want that to happen when the girls were babies, I never said a word. I just figure he had his way of doing things, and so do I. I would hate someone trying to control everything i did.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
615 Posts
My brother-in-law used to do this to my sister. It drove her nuts. One day she was mopping the kitchen floor when he started in, she calmly handed him the mop, and said "why don't you show me how it's done then." She hasn't mopped floors in something like 10 years now, it his job. He will laugh when he tells someone about it, says she sure taught him a lesson.
 
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
Top