[fffarmergirl]

I'm looking for support from women my age or older who might understand what I'm going through.

So many things have happened lately that have just really driven home the fact that I will never be young again and will never achieve my dreams.

I have had to give up on my lifelong dream of ever being able to do endurance riding on horses because now that I finally have the money and the time to spend with horses I just don't have enough healthy years left to be able to get the real experience I would need to do it. I sold my horse and I'm giving up on that I think. I have a brand new arena that I won't be able to use because I can't handle a horse alone.

I brought the grandkids with me to buy my first pair of bifocals the other day.

I have become plain looking and invisible. I tried to get back in shape but I got plantar fasciitis and it comes back every time I try to do anything. I tried to get in shape riding horses but, like I said, I can't handle a horse by myself. Nobody will ride with me unless it is an instructor and then I will have to pay for every ride. I have a great bicycle but I won't be able to get back on it until spring. I used to xc ski but got a hip problem that prevents that now. Not arthritis, a congenital thing that I was able to compensate for with muscle mass when I was younger.

I realized my garden is too big and my husband never intends to help me with it and I'm not strong enough to do it all myself. It all went to weeds this year and I can't make it smaller because he did too good of a job putting the fence up, so it will always just be a big ugly mess.

A few years ago I bought a hot tub and DH got started building a surround for it and just gave up on it mid project and its this behemoth monstrosity right in my front yard. I will never achieve my dream of having a pretty home.

I bought this 120 year old farm house intending to fix it up but it will always be ugly because it's all 1970s wood ppaneling throughout the entire house. I can't pick out good colors. I bought paint and it turned out to be such an ugly color that I just stopped painting mid project. I'm sick of was ting money on trying to make it look nice because it is too much work each time I fail.

I gave up on trying to help my husband quit smoking. Then I gave up on making him smoke outside because he just let his cigarette butts pile up right outside the front door. So now he smokes in the house and I'm sure the house smells like smoke and I probably do too.

I'm giving up on chickens because they poop in the driveway and dh refuses to build an enclosure for them and can't build it because 'm sick of fighting with him every time I use his tools, and sick of trying to find everything that he puts away in odd places.

We are in the middle of refinancing the house and putting on a new metal roof and insulating it and I'm thinking that is just a dumb thing to do because trying to live out here is just pointless. It would be cheaper and easier to just move into an apartment in town, alone.

 

[Helena]

Whew...checked on your profile and figure I am a good 20 years older than you.. I do understand how things hit you and you just don't want to cope anymore or just don't care too. I too have had some major "bumps" in my road with my health in the last 6 years and am still dealing with one that seems to be never ending..No energy..tired..but with treatments weekly seem to be getting stronger.. I don't seem to get much done on days either and also had dreams of my old farmhouse too. But, it is comfortable, care for my barn animals..a little here and there through out the day. This way it isn't overwhelming early in the mornings for me. Some projects will never get done and when I think of how long I have been on my little homestead and how many..perhaps few years...I have left to enjoy it...Many things just don't matter. I know that it is hard to count your blessings when you feel like you do...but truly try...Look at your family, grandchildren and that is a wonderful feeling..I often say this little saying to myself..."Do not complain about getting old...It is denied to many"...And how true this saying is. I hope you do feel better and enjoy what you can do..and don't dwell on what you can't do. Lots of us do understand what you are going through. God Bless...

 

[Classof66]

I understand just how you feel. Sounds a lot like my life did. Just wanted to get the kids raised and start enjoying life and making things nice. (I have 12 sets of china, I thought of the holiday dinners and fun times we were going to have, that never happened. I like nice things, and wanted a beautiful home.) Instead the husband left and we got divorced. I had to go back to work at age 47. That was 20 years ago. I have arthritis and have some mobility issues. BUT life isn't too bad. I will never be able to keep up with my friends, but I did have a wonderful man in my life for 15 years,( he is deceased, otherwise he'd still be with me, I'm sure) and I have my pets, and can come and go as I please. It's awfully hard to give up one's dreams. I do give myself credit for going back into the workplace and making a success of myself. I am thankful for having a wonderful relationship rather than being aggravated all the time. (Ex is someone else's problem now) I don't worry about how I look or what I wear most of the time, lath I can look pretty decent when I have too. I had to go on disability, and am now on Social Security. Its nice to have that income on a snowy or ice storm day and I don't have to crawl out and go to work. For that I will live on tea and toast if I have to.

I know how you feel. I remember the time in my life when I realized it just was not going to happen. (I also realize that making my ex into a host and gentleman is like the proverbial silk purse form a sows ear) I still have crummy days. I have read many self help books, none have encouraged me too much, I have had to find my own path.

Please don't sell yourself short.

 

[countryfied2011]

sounds to me like you have some serious depression going on and I am truly sorry. Have you stopped to think about the good things that are going on in your life? You are still alive. Maybe talk with your doctor and get some medication to help with depression.

I totally believe that most of the time we are in charge of our destiny. For instance if you cant work the larger garden then do container gardening. If you were alone how would you handle things? I see too many negative things in your posts, there has to be some positives. Try to find alternatives to the things you want to do. I could go on and on about my lifes problems and aging but I always seem to find someone who is in worse shape then me.

Sending good thoughts your way... by the way I am 58 and DH is 65..

 

[Cindy in PA]

Wow you made me smile, because I am not the only one! The beautiful house hits home. Mine is only 30 years old, but I have a greenhouse in the backyard that was supposed to be dismantled 5 years ago & then the snow crushed it last March. DH has been taking it down since spring, but there it sits. I have an above ground pool that is about to go also & no one swims in it! My DS#1 bought a house 3 months ago & while I hate to see him go, I was looking forward to using his room for furniture overflow in my small house. He has little things to do on the house & still hasn't moved. He's not here anyway, leaving at 6:30 am & coming home and going to bed at 10p.m., but his stuff is still here & won't be out for Thanksgiving.

I recently bought a futon for my family room, because sofas are outrageous & aren't made well & I fear I'm going back to dorm room décor! Tried to restring my cellular shade in my front window & now can't get the rails back on & I really can't afford a new one. Thought by now I could get a few little things that I want for the house!

You are blessed with grandchildren. I fear with my two sons, I will never live long enough for grandchildren so sometimes it seems there is nothing to look forward to!

This was my worst gardening year ever & I gave up months ago. Partly it was because my gardening son moved away this year & I had no one to push me!

I do have a wonderful 10 month old English Springer puppy after losing 2 others within a year. She reminds me how old I am when I walk her on a long lead in the fields, but I am enjoying her! I am usually able to stay positive, but sometimes it's hard & I have a pity party. DH & I fear being alone sometimes, but I'm ready for it to happen, so we can get on with it!

I am sure you see the good most times also. I swear I will find something to spur me forward & think you will too!

 

[mythreesons]

Hugs..I feel the same way as you at times. I'm 47yrs old (boy that's a hard thing for me to see in writing) I quit smoking 7 yrs ago and gained 60lbs..I just don't have the willpower to quit eating the foods I love (I'm a betty crocker homemaker type of woman) therefore I don't have the energy to do all the stuff I want to do.. plus I also have a bum arm from a old work injury ( I worked as a CNA for over 20yrs) where I look like a have a muscle hanging half way down off of my upper arm.. I'm limited on how much I can use it before I'm in pain for days..I have my sons help me in my garden,,my garden is also fenced in and big with a greenhouse.. My passion is gardening, planting as much perennial,edible and medical plants as I can..but I can't dig the holes because of my bum arm..I want to paint the inside of my house but can't because of my stupid bum arm..

I've come to realize that it will take years before my home looks the way I want it to look inside and out..I just try to take one day at a time..maybe you could do the same?

 

[flowergurl]

Know the feeling all to well. The mind says yes and the body laughs at you.
Getting old isn't for the weak at heart, it takes courage to face the daily challenges.
I am getting thick around the middle and i was so lean and trim all my life.
I have decided this happens with age. Aren't most Grandmothers on the plump side?
Maybe it's time for a heart to heart with hubby and discuss how he feels about life and any changes he'd like to see as well? Maybe he's feeling some of the same things you are. Trying to keep up a large home might be overwhelming him too.

 

[Danaus29]

Sounds like you and I are pretty much in the same boat. Dreams and promises broken and unfulfilled. Although much as I love horses I was never able to have one. Can't help you with the apartment thing (although I know how tempting that aspect seems, mine would have to come with a little garden area). But yes, it would be nice to have some real peace and be able to find stuff I need. And extra nice to have things all neat and straightened up.

I do have some hints about the garden area. Put in some perennial crops like asparagus and comfrey. Those will take quite a bit of ground and choke out weeds around them. Then mulch the rest. Get some big containers and make a little container garden in the big garden. Lay down cardboard before setting out the containers, then use wood chip mulch around the containers. Plant mint and other hardy perennials in the containers. Getting bagged soil into the garden for the containers would be difficult unless you can get the grandkids or your kids to move the bags for you.

Can you set aside one room just for yourself? I had dreams of that but mine is all crammed with junk. I did end up buying a lot of tools for myself. They're in a cabinet with a bunch of garden supplies. Came in handy yesterday when I was rearranging canned goods in the basement (which I shouldn't have had to but access to the dedicated storage shelf is blocked by his "new" tools which will never be used and will set in the walkway until he dies).

Don't look back. When I think about how things could have been I want to set and cry. But the past can't be changed. Look to the future and think about how you can make things better for yourself. I think a lot of the reason older women get divorced is they are just tired of fighting with what will never change and they want to make the best of the time they have left.

So now that we are all sufficiently depressed I'm going to go kill some spiders. That always makes me feel better.

 

[jlxian]

Yes yes yes. I feel a lot of the same things. I'm 61.

As they say, getting older sure beats the alternative. Although, it's hard to be thankful for a day when we have frustrations and pain, I know.

 

[Darren]

I can't believe you kill spiders. Geez. I leave them alone until they get saucer sized. Then I put them outside.

FWIW, getting old beats the alternative.

 

[MO_cows]

I'm sorry for how you are feeling. The infamous middle age malaise got you?

What I read in your post was a lot of things that, since they are not perfect or didn't turn out as they were originally envisioned to be, have fallen by the wayside. Been abandoned, given up on. Does it have to be all or nothing?

I hope you are able to find the motivation to work on your home again. It doesn't have to be perfect, just "better". The ugliest paint color ever created, still looks better than an unfinished paint job. People change their mind and paint over a color all the time, you aren't doomed if you didn't get it right the first time. Sure, it's a bummer to feel like you wasted some hard work, but when it's finally finished, you should feel better.

A small garden plot, with mulched or mowed ground taking up the excess space inside the fence, seems like it would still be attractive and let you garden on a smaller scale. Or put in perennials to take up the extra space. Food plants, or just for looks. Plant once, enjoy every year!

So what if you aren't up to entering a 100 mile ride and tie endurance race? Seek out local riders, ask your vet who else in your "neighborhood" has horses. Go on some trail rides. Those will be "endurance rides" for you, when you first get started. I don't get not being able to ride by yourself. Maybe you have too hot a horse for your current level of ability?

Again, sorry you are at a low point.

 

[newfieannie]

I'm with Darren! it beats the alternative! I guess it depends on a persons health. i'm in excellent health. I'm older than most of you though and I suppose one day it will overtake me. it's bound to. but not today. I have too much work on tap to be depressed right now. I do feel for you though. ~Georgia.

 

[light rain]

Seems like retrospection is a prime activity this time of year. Goes with the season. I try to keep contact with old friends and touch base. Today I started copying the names and addresses from the old address book into the new one. I'll do a few letters at a time until it is all done. It makes me accept that some family and friends are no longer there. The old pages are helping to make the woodstove burn brighter...

I am in my 60's. My husband is a little younger but deals daily with challenging health problems. If you are dealing with debilitating depression it would be a good idea to talk with your family doctor. It may be a temporary chemical imbalance that could be helped with medical intervention.

For me, getting out in the sunshine and doing physical work helps me. I also try to keep my vitamin D level up to healthy level. We are planning a day trip to visit family before the roads get bad.

Mirrors are very honest. My butt is now flat and wrinkles upon wrinkles. All in all though, I am thankful that I can still enjoy mashed potatoes, beer, sharing time with family and friends, listen to the crows talk and have a kitty snuggle the back of my neck. Look for the things that make you smile...

 

[Ardie/WI]

I'm 72 and confined to an electric scooter as I can't walk at all. I had many dreams and goals and they gradually turned to dust.

BUT, I have all my faculties (I think), I have all my parts still attached and I remember how to use then AND, best of all, we just got a brand new great-grandson!

Oh, I get so darn frustratd, but I try to see the bright or humorous side of life.

BTW, when DH doesn't finish a project, I threaten (pleasently) to pay someone to do it. It hits him in the wallet and if it doesn't, I do hire someone.

 

[nehimama]

I feel your angst. I'm 61, and have a bum leg (leftover from a stroke nearly 3 yrs ago.) My goal is to still be milking my goats when I'm 70! I can no longer hoist the 50# feed bags over my shoulder & tote them to where I want them, but I *can* lug them one at a time and stack them where I want them. I just now off-loaded 300 Plus pounds of fire wood from the van into the pile in the barn. If it weren't for this blasted leg I drag around, I would have picked up half a ton this morning at the sawmill and unloaded all that by myself.

I sure can't do the things I could do when I was 45, and it really irritates me - a LOT! But I still do the things I *want* to do. My garden is no longer 5 raised beds beyond the yard; it's now it's several large containers on the patio, with a rain cachement water barrel nearby. I had to discipline myself to scale back to what is manageable; then it's attainable. I needed to figure out how to work smarter.

I'm not smugly satisfied with myself because I *know* there will be more challenges to overcome as I age further. I hope you'll be able to find your peace and joy again. ((Hugs!))

 

[ChristieAcres]

I am sure sorry to about your situation and will pray for you. There will undoubtedly some good advise on here to draw from, hopefully that will help a bit.

Twenty three years ago, I awoke with FMS and CFS. I am now 50 years old. While diet and exercise manages my symptoms, I have had to make choices to improve my health.

I can't run or jog, too hard on the joints. In my case, I was fortunate to discover years ago that calisthenics and isometrics were the ticket. In addition, using an elliptical and hiking works for me. For others, swimming or other options work...

While I eat primarily Paleo, I have recently revisited The Genotype Diet. According to the evaluation, I am a Hunter, so my dietary needs are very much the Paleo Diet I have been eating for almost 5 years now. However, there are some differences in how certain foods and beverages affect me. I actually have craved the foods which are my "super foods," (i.e. those that manage weight and encourage weight loss).

I enjoy hiking the most out of every exercise, so that is what I do. Right now, I am hiking over 20 miles/week (in 3 days, 11.5 miles this week). This is to keep me fit and it is especially important as one ages! About a month ago, I got a hiking buddy. She is a fast hiker, like me, and we have a lot in common. We have become friends while hiking together! DH works non-stop, but has agreed to hike with me when my buddy can't. He is also a fast hiker, so that works for me. I encourage you to discover what exercise works the best for you.

Now, the gardening? Yes, toning that down a bit, as I know my DH will be too busy building our log home to help me much. It isn't easy, but toning down the workload, simplifying our lives a bit, so we aren't suddenly taken by surprise down the road. In fact, we are planning our home and developing our property with all this in mind. Our home will have a master down and up, no other bedrooms. That way, we can sleep upstairs, and use the downstairs master as a guest room until climbing those stairs is an issue. Then, we just move into the downstairs master.

DH doesn't drink, smoke anything, or do drugs, so no issue there.

I'd go buy some basic tools and do what you can yourself. A chicken wire fence isn't that difficult to build. You shouldn't have to get rid of your chickens!

 

[Jokarva]

I don't see how old you are, but I am 58 and feel some of what you're going thru. My advice would be to decide what matters to you most and make a list on how it can be managed....my personal first would be the smoking inside. I would put my foot down and stop that nonsense now, and if it means a fight then bring it on.

Getting in better shape....even people in wheelchairs can exercise, find a trainer, book, YouTube video - something that can help you get started.

Paint colors? Paint it all white (use a sealer to seal in smoke smell), fresh white walls can make a world of difference in a house's feeling. Decide on colors later if you feel like it.

Do you use the hot tub? If not advertise it free on CL, burn or give away the surround.

Garden...I agree a container garden is great, I did that this year and it was the best! You've gotten good advice on that already.

If you're depressed and discouraged by your situation (and not dealing with clinical depression) then a written plan to deal with the aggravations may help you see to the other side. It seems like a lot when you look at the whole, but taken 'one bite at a time' it might be manageable.

 

[JoePa]

Wow - you need to look at things from a different perspective - look at all the things you have that you should be thankful for - compared to the vast majority of people on this earth you have it made - I'm probably older than most on this forum - 81 next month - a widower taking care of a special needs daughter - but I'll tell you something I keep busy and squeeze things in that I like to do whenever I get a chance - still hunt deer - large garden - cut 6 cords of wood each year - have to cook and clean the house - cut the grass - on and on - getting old is part of the deal - I know when my day comes I will thank the Lord for the good life I had - you need to think positive and be thankful for what you have - remember things could be a thousands times worst - look up -

 

[Dutchie]

BUT, I have all my faculties (I think).

Hah! :rock:

 

[deb_rn]

You are definitely depressed and THAT needs to be addressed! I suffer the chemical imbalance as well.
It also sounds like you are shooting for the moon, and maybe you should be shooting for the next block over! Somewhere in your head is a "normal" that you think you should be living up to. Forget about it! The Brady Bunch wasn't real and neither is most of what you see in the magazines! We are held to unattainable standards!
Health is #1... without THAT... you can't enjoy anything. Husbands are a tough lot... I know... I'm on my 3rd! I still struggle with him not seeing what needs to be done and doing it...instead of me making a list for him. He'll be 70 this year... 12 yrs older than I am.
Happiness isn't getting what you want... it's accepting and enjoying what you've got!!
You can't EVER change another person... only YOUR own attitude about them.
I know you've heard this before... but some people live on the street and would be thankful for a roof over their heads and the opportunity to grow their own food.
You NEED to get the depression under control... that is your overriding theme.
Good Luck and keep your chin up!

Debbie