we've been foster parents for over 18 years, had about 50 kids through our home, some for just a few days[ newborns being adopted] and one of our first, is in the other room as we speak.We ended up adopting 4, but we are ''mum and dad '' to many more.We take babies, and that means we often are involved with the mothers[ they end up calling me ''dad'' too].
One thing we try to do is defure the emotional situation as soon as possible- the birth mom is often feeling like ''everybody is against her'' and we try and make contact as soon as possible and have her home for dinner, show her where her child will sleep, introduceher to the family, etc and try to extend a welcome to our home..We deliberately distance ourselves from the ministry- telling the mum we are not part of the social service system, our only job is to keep their baby safe and hopefully be a resourse to her.
It's pretty sad, in 18 years of fostering, I have yet to meet one girl with an involved dad in her life-and I put a lot of the problems down to that-these girls don't know what to expectfrom a male , and thatends up with them making poor choices for partners.
We often blame social services for the problems-but the fact of the matter is, the problems didn't start there- we are often dealing with intergenerational issues and lack of parenting that goes way back.
So-if you are so minded- go for it- I haven't done anything so meaningful and fulfilling in my life.I've wept over situations that I can't fix- and all I wanted was for them to have a decent self fullfilled life.We lost3 girls lastyear, one was murdered, one died of Alcohal poisoning, and the other of Aids.All of them called me ''dad''.Thathurts.But- when a child who was not born to you, knows you as the only father they ever had, or will have, that is part of the reward too.I've seen some of the girls grow up and go onto have a good life, productive members of society, married with babies of their own and that makes you fee pretty good.The circle of abuse and substance dependence broken.That particular young lady came into care when she was 12- her older sister had a baby she didn't know was her own father's , her brothers, uncles or boyfriend- and told the social worker the same bunch were doing the same thing to her little sister.So-you see, with some help, it is possible to see lives turned around- and that makes it all worth it.I had the pleasure of speaking at her wedding, and although she lives many miles away, still stays in touch , send pictures of her baby, and when she calls me''dad'' I'm so happy.
So, you see, when you foster, you will have your horizons broadened more than anything else you could do.You'll see the best and the worst, the most heart breaking and the most heartening.And- you' ll never take anythingfor granted again.