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Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK
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Discussion Starter #1
A girl that my husband and I took in for about 3 years has emailed me. The girl became no end of trouble, even though we put a tremendous amount of effort in to help her. It was heartbreaking to me, as I was so fond of her.

In hindsight I believe we actually came out better than we could have, as we have a son just a couple of years older than her--she got pregnant at 15 by a neighbor boy. She was very manipulative and required constant supervision and no-end of attention.

She went on to have 3 children, the first was given up for adoption, and I believe she has now lost the other 2 to CSD. Anyway, she just emailed me last week, saying she was living with her "dad"...which would be a step-dad in Nevada and "making a life for herself."

I really don't want to answer her back. Would you? We haven't heard from her in about 7 years.
 

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Sock puppet reinstated
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I think you should take into account the impact you made on her life.

There were times in my childhood where certain adults made a huge impact on me, though they may have not known it at that time. I will always be thankfull for their input on my life and wish there was a way for me to let them know what they meant to me.

May be she is trying to do that?

Just a thought!

Jill
 
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I would e-mail her back.

She probably doesn't have anyone who pats her on the back and tells her "Good job". She knows she caused you problems and this could be her way of saying "I know I was a pain in the grits, but it wasn't for nothing."

Sha also thinks highly enough of you to seek out your approval. You could be The One who formed her conscious and who showed her what a FAMILY and LOVE looks like.

What would you be out by e-mailing her back? Just tell her that you're glad she's doing well and that you wondered how she turned out. She's not asking for a kidney or money (yet! :p ) She just wants you to know she's OK.

Tonya

PS. I'm a former Foster Mom and I'd be thrilled if one of my former kids thought enough of me to remember who I am, let alone e-mail me.
 

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Tweety
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I agree with the above posts. People change as they grow up, and it has been my experience that it is good to leave a door open for when they do.
 

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Bitter Clinger
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Careful. Leopards don't change their spots. My sister 'took back' our father, saying oh how he has changed, and he ended up being the same as he ever was.

That doesn't mean you can't contact her and start a relationship. Just always be on your guard.
 

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Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK
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Discussion Starter #7
I guess I should add that this is not the first time she has contacted us. The first was 7 years ago. It's been probably 13-14 years ago that we had her.

Well, mostly she contacts me. She knows my dh won't put up with her manipulations. Actually, she did tell me at that time that everything I tried to teach her was right. Well DUH, I told her. I wasn't just trying to keep her from having fun.

The thing of it is, I don't want a relationship with her anymore. She's bad news. From the time we got her at the age of 12, that pretty little girl could look you right in the eye, smile sweetly, and lie through her teeth.

She turned some neighbors against us, which later they regretted and apologized. Oh well, it's old news. Life is peaceful now. My kids are grown. I have grandchildren.

I just smell a skunk in the woodpile. I think I'll let it pass. I'll tell my daughter about it, she can email her, if she likes.

I do believe we added something good to her life, but I don't think we want (need) to keep it going.
 

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I would e-mail her and tell her that I was happy that she has gotten her life together and will continue to pray for her, but really don't want any contact with her in the future. Then I'd wish her contiuned success in all of her endevors, encourage her to seek a church family and gives her warmest regards.
 

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My guess is that she's contacting you because she needs something and thinks she can get it from you...I'd respond to her only if you feel you have it to give.
 

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Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK
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Discussion Starter #11
susieM said:
Why be a foster parent if you don't want to know the results or take the credit?
Well, that's an unusual question. Honestly, I don't think I've ever done any such thing (helping somebody) because I wanted to know the results or take the credit.

I do my part, the results are up to God Almighty.

I didn't sign up for this girl. She actually was the daughter of a lady I met casually, who told me she didn't want the girl. My DH & I stopped in one day, and the girl just captured my heart. I invited her to come for the weekend and ride horses.

On this weekend she told me that her parents were trying to get rid of her. I was horrified (of course). Sure enough, it was true. When we inquired, her mother and step-dad came and unloaded huge bags of the girl's clothes--that was another nightmare. And they promptly left town.

They did keep some contact, but there was no financial support.

I'd never again take on such a thing. I had no idea. But we did our best, and I do believe we contributed something good to the girl's life. I'll just bet that she still calls me "MOM".

The thing of it is, this girl just broke my heart. And she really messed with my DH's too. We'll see.
 

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The thing of it is, this girl just broke my heart. And she really messed with my DH's too. We'll see.
I think it you were to email her back, these are the things you should share with her. While she has memories of love and support, your memories are not so good. An honest dialogue would be good for both of you.
 

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Be powerful. No other option exists.
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Listen to your gut feelings.

Huggs,
Rose
 

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Menagerie More~on
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Gosh that is tough . . . some people are so damaged that they become "weapons" of destruction to those around them. It's not their fault but you can't ignore the reality. It's just sad. You're obviously a kind person, follow your heart and gut here :)
 

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Tell me, how do you think this girl regards her childhood? It sounds like one long and unbroken line of pain, to me.

Yes, she was messed up, and she learned all too well what her parents taught her.

That being said, it sounds like she thinks that SOMEBODY cared if she lived or died, even if just for a short time. That would be you.

I would reply to her out of compassion.

I would not let her into your lives just as I would not let an addict handle money as the temptation would be too great to start manipulating, but yes I would answer in a heartbeat!

Says Terri, who had her nephew with her for a while before he messed up and went to his Fathers. I have heard that he has one or two daughters: I never hear from him so I cannot be sure.

The nephew did NOT! ask to be born to a drug user who chased him around with an ax: "I was just trying to scare him" she said later. He did not ask to learn all of the wrong lessons when he was a kid. He did not ask to be messed up. This was something that was done TO him, not done BY him!

That being said, what he does now is up to him. I hold no hard feelings, though I will always keep him at arms length. It's safer that way.

Just as I would not trust a drug user with money, I will not let my guard down around him. Though, I would LOVE! to congradulate him on his child or children. Because I do care: I always did.

Sigh.
 

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Silence is Golden. If she has contacted you before to work you over, I wouldn't bother responding. How much pain is enough for you? It sounds like you have reached that point.
 

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Maybe just a simple response. Telling her that you are all doing well and wishing her the same. Maybe that will give her the connection she is needing and yet not open your family up to anything you don't want.

Good Luck
 
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Laura said:
I think it you were to email her back, these are the things you should share with her. While she has memories of love and support, your memories are not so good. An honest dialogue would be good for both of you.
That sounds like a very good idea to me
 

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You have been given a great opportunity to kindly let this person know that you are proud that she is working towards keeping her life on track, and from your many years of experience you have discovered that the best help you can give her is to insure that she continues to do the work strickly on her own. If you feel she is someone who needs examples - give her examples of how difficult it is to care about someone's well being and HAVE to makes sure they take care of themselves without outside help from others ;)

However, if you do not feel you can get your point across in a manner that will protect you and yours from future manpulation from this person it is likely best for both her and you to not respond.

Hugs,
Marlene
 
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