[mrstillery09]

Ok, so I wanted outside opinions on family situation and I thought this would be one of the best places to get some perspectives!

I have a mom and a dad, and 2 half sisters and a half brother. My siblings are from my moms first marriage. My parents are in their late 60's, my siblings in their late 30's/early 40's, and I'm in my late 20's. I have never felt like my siblings weren't my full siblings, they were always just siblings to me. The last few years things have been different, and our families have grown apart.

My husband and I have no children, and spend a lot of time with my mom and dad. I farm on their farm, and we moved so we are just a few minutes away. I go up twice a day, and we spend a lot of time there on the weekends. My mom had a really bad fall at the first of the year, and is just now starting to walk again without a cane. She is a perfectionist, and a go getter and likes to do things. Even if she does too much. She is hard to be around because she cares so much she wants things to be perfect, and then gets snarky when they aren't. That is just who she is. I've always been close to my parents, but even moreso after her fall, both taking care of animals and farm things, but visiting, and my husband and I try to be avaliabe to help with the things my parents cannot do anymore.

It seems in the process of being there, it's caused problems with at least one of my siblings. I guess the other day she told my mom that they really don't spend time with her or my father because in her eyes only my father and I are my mothers family. And we are all that is important to her. I am really struggling with feeling angry because I see how hurt my mom is. She desperately wants to visit and have large family gatherings. But hardly anyone stops by just to visit. Only for babysitting, or for help with something.

My mom is high maintenance at times, but my siblings are constantly talking about the help they give their in-laws, or grandparents, while my mom and dad both need help at times or just time to visit. My mom thinks that a large part of the issue is because everyone thinks I get special treatment. They don't realize that it's because I have chosen to be here, and to always be here.

I feel so overwhelmed sometimes because although I love my mom and dad, everyone has basically backed away for me to handle everything. My sister told me it was good I was close so now she and her husband could move away and travel. I thought about writing one of my siblings in particular about what is going on and asking if she has a problem with me, or mom, and what we could do to fix things. The other part of me says to just shut up and try to ignore what's happening. What are your thoughts? Either way, it felt good to rant a little!

 

[TraciInTexas]

I always prefer the Up-Front Method... But with feelings of jealousy, you might be wasting your ink.

I would wrote notes to them all, telling them how much Mom misses them and would love to have a big Christmas Dinner this year. Invite them... Maybe they just need the door opened, so they can reconnect?

 

[motdaugrnds]

mrstillery09, try as we might, there is noway we can control how others feel about what we do. It is just best to accept the fact your syblings have a right to think and to feel whatever way they choose. You are not responsible for what your syblings do and don't do!

So you have "...chosen to be here, and to always be here..." The reasoning behind your choice is totally your own responsibility (and your husbands). Your mom sounds like she is quite capable of telling you not come so often if that is what she would prefer; however, even she does not have the right to blame you for your syblings response(s) to your being there as often as you are.

TraciInTexas has a great idea and timing is perfect for a large gathering.

Also, if you want, there would be nothing wrong in your calling a "family meeting" (with your parents there or not...your decision) and talking with your syblings. You can tell them you care about them and are feeling badly, maybe even blaming yourself, for their not spending as much time with your parents. Ask them if it is true or not. Just open up and be honest. However, should you choose to go this route, be prepared to be a good listener! A good listener does not judge what another is saying. A good listener repeats what the other is saying (not verbatim; not even with the exact same words) enough to let the one who said it know you heard and understood what was said. A good listener asks questions about what is said for clarification...not for reasons to blame someone. Lastly, when you start talking yourself, never but never start your comments off with the word "you". Instead, always start off with the word "I" as this will help stop many arguments before they have a chance to get started. Lastly, be sure and say "thank you" when one of your syblings tells you something about yourself, even if it sounds negative. At least he/she was willing to share it and you can then decide whether or not you want to change that part about yourself or not. Just know we don't always see ourselves as others see us; so through the years your syblings may not have been viewing your relationship with them as solidly as you have...after all you are the youngest and both parents are your biological ones.

Best of luck to you.

 

[vicker]

Well, I clicked in family drama , and I got it. When it comes to family drama, my best advice is, "Shut up!".

 

[happycat47111]

Your situation reminds me a LOT of what I went through growing up. And I'm sorry.

I think there are two things going on here - they're jealous of your relationship, and they're grateful they don't have to give up their lives to help with caregiving. Neither of those things is right, necessarily, but that's just how some families work. It's sad, it's awful to live through, and there's not a lot you can do about it if they're truly so self centered.

I'd talk to them, calmly, as adult to adult, and let them know how you're feeling. How your parents are feeling. Actually, scratch that. I wouldn't. I'd ask your parents to do it. The rift isn't between you and your siblings. It's between them and your parents. YOU are not responsible for that relationship. They are. And it isn't fair of either your parents or your siblings to put you in the middle. Ditto for them to just shove all the responsibility onto your shoulders. Because it might not be a heavy load now, but chances are excellent it will be down the road.

So I'd explain to your parents how you feel, how you've heard the rest of the family feels, and ask them to straighten it out. They're adults. They should be able to do that…

That said. Don't expect it to work. More times that I can count, I've met people in similar situations who have tried to fix things, and like with my own experience, it doesn't work. My own family is determined they're going to resent me until I die, and probably until after they're dead if I go before them, because of how unfairly they were treated by my grandparents, who favored me. It doesn't matter that I had to suffer tremendous losses (my own parents, long story, not worth going into) in order to get that favoritism. All that matters is that I got it.

I think if you don't try to fix things, even by getting your parents to talk to your siblings, you'll always wonder. At least you can say you tried. And I like the idea of a big family holiday. By the cynic in me says don't hold your breath that they'll actually want that. Most people don't, in my experience. They're out for themselves, period.

Good luck!

 

[mrstillery09]

Thank you for all the responses. I was really feeling upset earlier and I feel much calmer at the moment. I'm definitely not going to make any decisions yet and just think things over before I take a step in any direction.

One of the only guaranteed times we get together is Christmas eve. We always gather and my mom and dads. Unfortunately because it is so important to my mom she almost always overworks herself and then is grumpy when people arrive. That is her fault, but I also feel bad because everyone comes in and then rolls their eyes and scolds her for being grumpy. When the entire reason she is grumpy is because she has tried so hard. I may talk to her about doing dinner differently, perhaps if she isn't overworked it won't be so difficult?

 

[Miss Kay]

They are older than you and have seen and been through things with her that you haven't and may not even know about. It is easy for you to make excuses for your mom (she's tired, that's why she's grumpy etc.) but if you are one that doesn't see your mom everyday and that's the treatment they get when they come, I could see why they don't come. Most parents have favorites and in most families, the one who gets all the attention and favor also gets the responsibility when they get old too. This is not of your making and you do not have the power to fix it. Only your parents can do that.

 

[bigjon]

with step family? I've had to learn the hard way.life is not a hallmark Christmas movie.u just keep doing for YOUR parents.

 

[notwyse]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Sometimes it is guilt that drives siblings to distraction. You might try easing their minds a bit. Good luck in whatever you choose.

 

[sisterpine]

I am sorry you are having to go through this drama. It seems to be a pretty common theme in modern families. One person steps in to help and the others are either hurt to not be "asked" to help or "decide" now is the time for their golden years of play and travel. I am pretty sure "golden years" was coined in response to this type of situation. In generations past the mom and dad almost always came to live with one of the kids (usually the oldest daughter), and mom and dad did not live to be 95 plus years old so the kid actually did get to have a bit of retired time before they themselves needed care taking.

 

[Ozarks Tom]

Sounds like you half sister is rationalizing her own laziness away by blaming you. Don't take it personally, it's her problem not yours.

 

[jassytoo]

No matter what the situation your siblings are going to rationalize their own behavior. If mom and dad want to see them they need to talk to them. I'd stay out of it. Maybe a pot luck would take some of the pressure off mom this year.

 

[Sawmill Jim]

No matter what the situation your siblings are going to rationalize their own behavior. If mom and dad want to see them they need to talk to them. I'd stay out of it. Maybe a pot luck would take some of the pressure off mom this year.

Yep some folks just got to be mad at someone about something if it an't one thing is is another . I try not to change what folks are mad at me for anymore because they will just hunt another reason to be mad anyway . :sing:

I have also learned not to get mad at folks in return . Most folks are mad enough already for the both of us Kill em with kindness :thumb:

 

[Alice In TX/MO]

Ask for help on small things to give you relief. Relief days, relief weekends now and again.

ASK. Don't increase the drama with a big discussion that will increase the conflict.

 

[Danaus29]

Yep, pot luck or assigned dishes and the rest of the family should clean up after. We did several meals a year with my grandparents. Somebody would come before and help clean up and make the big dishes. Then each person or family would bring a dish or two. Doesn't have to be much. Green bean casserole (if you're into that kind of thing), cheese and crackers, veggie tray with dip, shrimp and cocktail sauce, etc.

If you can get one get together pulled off without Mom being so cranky and the rest of the family having a good time then you could try for one or more additional get togethers each year. For other gatherings you could all bring cold meat sandwich and other picnic type foods.

As for your complaining sister, maybe she wants to help but doesn't know how to ask what needs to be done.

 

[Packedready]

I will tell you what has happened to me. I like you took care of all my parents needs for the last 4 years. I had no help from my sister or brother. My mother wanted the family to stay together so I did all the holidays, including birthdays, St Patricks day etc. I did all the maintance on their home, took them to all their appointments, handled all their prescription needs, cooked, cleaned and did anything they wanted. Both of my parents have been in very bad health and it has been a toss up who would go first.

My dad had a stroke. He died. At that point my sister and brother entered the screen and have taken over everything.

Now my mother, brother and sister will not speak to me, they say they are not ready. I am my father's child but not my mother's. My sister and brother had both parents. It can get worse.

 

[crazyfarm]

One of my sisters is constantly at my parents house. My mom asked me why I didn't come by often and I don't because I figure if my sister isn't there my parents might enjoy not having kids and grandkids around for a bit. So I'm a little upset with my sister because she does prevent me from going over because I do try to consider my parents. SO I guess I can say I understand your siblings feelings. Plus, she always gets to talk to my parents so I don't want to share them every time I go over. I don't mind seeing them all but sometimes I just want to talk to my mom, ya know.

 

[flowergurl]

Yours is told from a child's point of view,i will tell you how it is from a parent's point of view.
I have 3 kids, 2 are my own, 1 is my husband's child.
Dh and I have wrote everyone out of the will except for my daughter. She and her husband are the ones who visits us, does things we can't do on our own, spending holidays with us, enjoys doing hobbies with us. In short she is there and the other 2 are to busy to have time for us.
My son has a habit of picking odd ball women that never want to interact with his family. So he can't visit us if she doesn't want to come. He has 2 daughters and the one from his first marriage I might get to see once a year if her Mother allows it, but she is in a different state.
His last daughter lives with him and his girlfriend 10 mins away from us and I haven't seen her in a year and a half.
DH's son has 3 children by 2 different women ( never married either of them) and we have only met 1 of the children. He can't hold a steady job and spends money like water, so he bounces around to whoever will take him in.
It breaks my heart that our sons want so little to do with us and we have bend over backwards to help them in the past. Both of them have lived with us and we tried to help them get back on their feet in life.
We co-signed for both of them cars and both times when the women in their lives decided the car wasn't what they wanted to spend money on ( let your parents make the payments), they stopped paying on them. Both were told up front if you don't make the payments with out talking it over with us we will take back the cars. Yup, both times we had to take over payments and we did take the cars back. It came to quite a shock to them that we did it too.
Sigh...

 

[BlackFeather]

I'll tell you a story about a family I knew of, the one son when he was teenage, would stay in his room and play video games, at dinner time he would not come and a while later he would appear and eat leftovers, if he was social it was with his friends, acted like he was ashamed of his family. If the rest of the family did stuff, he was missing, then one day he told his mother he felt like he wasn't part of the family and implied it was the family's fault. Same with you, your were there and they were not ... their problem not yours... their tough luck, I would ignore them, and if they get nasty tell them where to get off.

 

[Trixie]

As Miss Kay said, all children do not have the same past with parents. This can be true even if it's same parent siblings, but a lot of years between children.

There is a lot of difference between a woman who is a mother at 18-25 and one who is a mother at 35-40. Lots of things change. People do change, they have more experience, perhaps finances are better (or worse). This is something I discussed with my half sisters who are quite a bit younger than I. I had a history with my Mother that was very, very different from theirs. It wasn't better or worse, just different.