Elderly Parent Living With You ??

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by Helena, Dec 17, 2006.

  1. Helena

    Helena Well-Known Member

    May 10, 2002
    north central Pennsylvania
    Have some choices to make dealing with my 84 year old Dad. He presently lives 250 miles south of us in suburbia. Has lived there in the same home now for 54 years..the home I grew up in as a child. His wife of 30 years..my step-mother died last Feb and on the eve of her death he suffered a major MI..heart attack. After a week in ICU..we buried his wife. He is now totally alone even though my sister lives less than 20 minutes from him. She is not "warm and fuzzy"..very matter of fact about life etc. Sees him when necessary and "does her duty" as she puts it..she says.."he isn't nice to me"..that is her reason not to see him..and yes he is crabby to me too but.. My Dad is not an easy man to live with in the fact that he has been always set in his ways as we all are. He is "very British" to say the least..Royal Marines..never give up..trying to be the man he was 50 years ago..you get the idea. But he is my Dad..a good father..and I love him dearly even though he has been driving me nuts with several phone calls a day..getting into throwing his money away on in the mail fraud sweepstakes and the crooks on the phone to him daily. His judgement has gotten worse in the last year after his illness. He frequently calls with needed advice on simple matter and says things like.."is that OK..should I do this??" We are looking into a retirement home near us..he is very capable still of taking care of himself and his small house..but needs care with $$ matters and a social life..He has no friends still alive..You get the picture. But..yes he could afford a retirement home near us that is very, very nice and there is no entrance fee or waiting period. I have been a nurse for many years and am very familiar with dealing with the elderly in their daily lives and the care that is needed and the downward spiral they (we) all take as we get even older. It's hard physically but more so emotionally. NOW...would living with us be an option ?? Have looked into actually moving to more land and found a house with a separate apartment with this house. We had no "too soon" plans ourselves to move..money always an issue..selling present house etc..It is now just my husband and myself..with our ever growing animal family...Does anyone here live with the aging parents...and give me some ideas and thoughts please...!!! Dad seems to be in agreement about moving somewhere that is less responsibilty for him and selling his home...Ideas ??
  2. Spotted Crow

    Spotted Crow Well-Known Member

    Sep 21, 2004
    I had a dear friend that passed over this spring. His wife had died from Parkinson's a few years earlier so he was alone in the family house. He got prostate cancer and was in remission from that, but he got pneumonia and fell and there was noone there to help him. When noone was able to get through...I didn't have the kids' numbers, one son came over and got him to the hospital...This son wound up adding an addition to the house so that Mr. Joe could stay with them...Sounds great in principle, BUT...the DIL is high maintenance. Mr. Joe loved gardening and birdwatching. He brought all his feeders down with him and she threw all of them out. He bought plants and planted them and she ripped them out and planted what she wanted...She basically didn't think that his wishes and small things were important...He basically was there for a couple of years and gave up wanting to live... :Bawling:
    My SIL, when one of her parents die, will be taking care of the other one. She can either stay where she is in NH or come down to Boston and live here...(((shiver))) It would be culture shock either way...I really love my SIL though and I know alot of it would be ME going back and forth to the DR's appointments and such...

  3. Jan Sears

    Jan Sears Well-Known Member

    Jun 6, 2002
    Eastern Ontario
    My MIL had to move in with us. My DH said that she would never go into a home as long as he was alive. 2 years ago my MIL fell & had to have a hip replacement & while she was in hospital she had heart problems. They had to send her to a special hospital to get a handle on her heart problems & while she was there she tried to get out of bed & fell & broke her other leg. She was also has alzheimers disease & can't be left alone. Her memory span is about 2 min. So she remembers very little you tell her. Thankfully she is very placid & very easy to get along with. It does cut down our freedom to come & go as we please. This happened 2 months after my husband retired. So much for the carefree life. Pray that things will work out for you & your father. Blessings & Merry Christmas.
  4. jersey girl

    jersey girl Well-Known Member Supporter

    Nov 21, 2005
    We added on to our house to move my 78 year old FIL in with us. We made him his own "apartment". He has a small kitchen, living room, bedroom and bath, about 850 sq. ft. with his own entrance. He can also come into our house through our laundry room. He has his own heating and cooling system, controlled by him.
    This set up works well for us for several reasons. He is close enough for us to watch, yet we all have our own space and privacy. He feeds the chickens, collects eggs, and waters the cows. This forces him to get up, get dressed and go outside every day.
    He is 81 now and having more physical problems. It is nice to be close to help and not have to worry or travel. There are days it is nerve wracking, but I can always go into my house and close the door.
    Good luck with your decision. It is a hard one.
  5. Wildwood Flower

    Wildwood Flower Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK

    Aug 26, 2006
    I live in Oregon part time, and Oklahoma part time
    I think Joanie's solution is ideal and sounds like it would work with your Dad. We did the same kind of thing for my son when he became disabled. It worked out pretty good.

    My Dad is still living in our family home since our mother died and I worry about him but I don't think he'll leave if he can help it.

    If your Dad is up for the idea, I think it's a good one.