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im trying to get a homestead started, all too slowly but..., my wife just doesnt want to get involved, she doesnt want to do any of the farm things like the barn, the stock, the garden and preserving, etc. when i bring these things up folks in the family, mine and her's just tell me to "stop looking back" "look forward...." Ive looked forward, i didnt like the view. does anyone else have this problem? just venting a little steam. thanks



dean
 

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My DH SOOOOOOOOOo gets it. But he had to see it to understand it. He purchased me a pig for my birthday and mother's day. We board her with a friend, and he had to see me out there, shovelling out the pig shed, aching to ride the horses out there, and really relaxing while I did it. He said it was like watching the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. Everyone has their thing that brings them peace and joy. Apparently, farming is my thing. Which is funny, since all I have managed to grow this year are weeds and grandbabies!!! But the peace, the monumental peace, that comes from being able to feel and see my God all around me, and the joy that comes from that communion--he would do anything and move anywhere to give me that. I am so blessed to have him in my life!!!
 

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Black Cat Farm
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DH is getting there, slowly. When I met him, he was a born-and-bred city boy, and that's where he wanted to stay. It took years (literally) of dragging him along for drives in the country, trips out to the barn to visit my (then boarded) mare, and tasting home-grown peas for the first time for him to consider a move to the country. Now, he LOVES living out here - he enjoys being able to come home after a hard day at the office and unwind in the peace and quiet, watching the bluebirds gather food for their babies, the horses grazing in the pasture, teenage rabbits frolicking in the garden... However, he does not enjoy the work that goes with it. He's not a gardener, he likes the horses because he likes all animals but is not really into riding, he enjoys laughing at the antics of the chickens that I asked for for years but still thinks I'm a little silly for getting them, etc. He'd rather putter in the garage than work elsewhere on the property. He'll help if I ask for something specific, but otherwise, I'm pretty much on my own. Which is okay - this is MY thing, and I'm just happy he agreed to give it a try. So I weed MY gardens, I stack hay and trim the feet of MY horses, I'm building a chicken tractor for MY chickens. They are all things I wanted, and I don't want him to come to resent these things because I force them down his throat.

As a result, he continues to come around. He loves to cook, and has begun looking through the seed catalogs that arrive mid-winter to put in requests for specific vegetables and varieties to grow so he can use them in the kitchen, he'll make a point to skip his workout at the Y when hay needs stacked because helping me with hay accomplishes 2 things, etc.

I brought the city boy to the country, but though I have arrived at my destination, he is still making the journey. :)

Oh, and yes, my family thinks I'm a little goofy, and his family probably does, too (I don't know for sure - they live in Russia and I don't speak Russian!) but I love it and DH is happy, and that's what really matters!
 

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bunny slave
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I'm fortunate that DH has gotten into the homesteading thing, slowly but thoroughly, and he appreciates the payoff too (a freezer full of turkey, goats in the yard, cupboards full of tasty canned stuff). But he's not into every single aspect of it, so there's some stuff I just do myself, and that's fine.

I would try to remember that it isn't other people's job to make our own dreams come true. Ideally, you can find someone who shares your dreams and goals in life, but sometimes these things change over time. I don't think it's fair to ask someone to transform themselves to meet new specifications, years after you married them. If homesteading is really your dream, then do what you can to manage it on your own (starting a garden, getting some chickens, etc). Plenty of people will gradually warm up to the idea once they taste fresh strawberries and eggs. Just don't present it as "Here's your new job - we're homesteading and these are the duties I expect you to take care of." Anyone would be put off by that.

Of course, it's the job of every good spouse to try to make their partner happy - have you tried that? What are HER dreams and goals? How are YOU contributing to them?
 

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If I need a Shelter
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I know this is not the same.But me and my DW work together pretty good.But she don't Garden,take care of Stock.

But I showed her the basics on Construction and Mechanic work and she is very happy doing this.

As far as this place she never sees the other side of it unless she is helping me get a Deer out couple times a year.

Thing is if she is Happy being on the Homestead,but don't share in the work,so be it your still doing what you like.

big rockpile
 

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A few decades ago, while I was studying agriculture, I fell in love with a young man who was studying city planning. And, we are still happily married.

He LOVES this place, but not because it's a mini-farm. He loves it because it is home, and he rarely goes into the back yard.

As for how to explain things to him, I have quit trying. "I do it because I love it", is my current tack. And, do you know, it is the most EFFECTIVE arguement so far? He does not understand it for practical reason, but joy he understands!
 

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Well....I am the one who is "getting it"! DH was the one who wanted it all. It has been hard for me at times, but I do love it! He was wise enough to move slow enough for me....a few bunnies, then a couple chickens, a few goats, then some more chickens, and so on. We have only been here for 2 years...we'll put in the garden next year. I have seen how much work that is, so I'm glad he has "broken me in" first..LOL!! I will say, though, even though he grew up on 100+ ac of family land and his uncle had a "working" farm right next door, all his parents did was keep a garden and raise chickens. SO , the other stuff we are learning together. The big difference is...he grew up hunting, fishing, gardening, eating "real" eggs and wild game....his parents are real survivalist types, so the "homesteading" came easy for him. NOT ME!!

Everything about this life is new to me and I LOVE IT!! I have learned SOOO much and not to sound cliche or anything...but it truly has made me a better person. I REALLY am not trying to stereotype here, but I think that this lifestyle (and I know we all live it to different degrees!) makes you so much stronger of a person and affects your whole being. As a Christian, it has taught me more about God's miracle of creation (esp when I got to see a baby goat being born!) and the rewards of hard work. Honestly I used to be a very shallow and lazy person, even w/ two kids. In fact they were pretty shallow and lazy too! But, being responsible for 20+ animals, building pens and fences and houses, clearing our land with our bare hands...that really does something for a person.

Now, you have to understand, that I didn't really go into all this completely willingly...I was one of those "chickens carry disease", "I don't want animals on my sod", "ewwww, animal poo", "I am NOT touching that" kind of girls. DH had to push a bit: "Get out here and help me pull these roots up", "Hold that level on this post", "Here, hammer these staples over the wire for me please...I'll hold it tight." DH is a great teacher and makes it all look so easy (MOST of the time!) that it did make it easier for me. I don't know how we could do it, if we weren't in it together. It has truly become a lifestyle for our whole family. Also, DH still works a fulltime job and is going to college, so I have to do most of the day to day work, so it's important that we be on the same page. He can't do it w/o my support and I can't do it w/o his.

I say, give her some time....try to involve her in what you are doing. She should WANT to be involved in what you love!! But, if it JUST isn't her thing....know that it is yours. If you have the time to do all the work yourself..do it. Maybe one day that passion will catch on for her.

I am reminded of that movie (I think I have said this before!)..."Sarah, Plain and Tall" where the guy tells his wife that you have to write your name in the land, and finally at the end, she gets it and literally/symbolically writes her name in the land. I can say it took me years to get there...but I have finally "written my name" in our land!

Rachael
 

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My dh grew up dirt poor (many times there wasn't enough food) and his family farmed! So, when I mentioned wanting to purchase the farm from family members he thought I had lost my mind and drug his feet (and they are very big feet :) ). It has been step by step at getting him involved with the farm again but he loves it! First thing I purchased were the fruit, nut trees and grape vines because they take the longest to start producing.. He helped me plant them and lay out rows.. Then, HE suggested I purchase blueberry bushes and blackberry.. Then he gave me fig, plum and cherry trees that he 'found' at Lowe's! Then I decided to get honey bees and he thought I had flipped.. The house he grew up in had honeybees in the walls and he was forever getting stung and they tried to kill them every year and every year they were meaner and the hive was stronger! So, he suggested I get therapy--but I explained the bees were cheaper and I would do it all by myself! Just two hives, for my birthday! He agreed --IF he didn't have to help! So, I ordered all the wooden ware, painted it and put it together w/ very little of his help and my suit (when it arrived he asked where was his)..Then he drove 4hrs (round trip) to get the best bees and queens in our area... And now I have ten hives and he helps me move the heavy equipment and extract --twice a yr.. Then we purchased the material for a coop and are in the process of building it for MY chickens..etc

What I am getting at is--you have to start small.. Do only those things that you can do alone and do not ask her to do things she doesn't want to or can't handle. She might resent them even more. If she is anything like my husband --she will come around slowly and begin to enjoy it or maybe part of it.. If she love to cook--leave a cooking fresh cookbook in the bathroom, by her chair or on the counter--you know 'something you are reading up on'. Every time dh sees a new book about a different project---he just shakes his head...but then he comes around to help, purchase or think of things that will help make it better or easier... QB
 

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I brought an Air Force brat to the country from Dallas/Ft. Worth. He is getting it more and more every day...in fact, he hates to leave the farm! He loves to work in the garden, walk the dogs in the woods, cut firewood (he's an excellent fire builder), etc. He's been hesitant about getting chickens, but just finished building a bigger chicken pen so we can get MORE chickens...and now he wants goats...and cows...and guineas...more ducks...etc. I'm still working on him about getting a pig though!

His mother does not get it at all. She called last night and was telling me we need to get rid of all the animals so we can travel. We don't WANT to travel as we like it here. She doesn't like to come visit us because she finds the farm "boring" and doesn't understand why we don't want to go shopping/movies/gambling at the casinos. We just can't make her understand why we'd rather take our books down to the pond to enjoy the cool breeze, birds singing and dogs romping about. She said we are "old fogies". We told her we LIKE being "old fogies".

It doesn't matter if anyone else "gets it" (some people never will). We're happy and we plan to stay happy.
 

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My wife is a purebred city girl. My mama's first question was "you're marrying a CITY girl?" hehe

I have talked about it for years and DW wouldn't hear of it. Well, now that she's realizing more and more what kind of crap is in the food that we have to feed the younguns, she's starting to wise up. She never understood why I complained about store-bought beef not being really "good." A couple of years back, we got hooked up with a guy who raises grassfed beef and slaughters each spring. He takes pre-orders. We got 1/3 of a cow and the first bite explained it to her. Now, we get a side a year from him to put in the freezer. I've also moved to buying cage-free eggs. Though they're not farm eggs, they're still better than the regulars.

She wants to be able to feed the kids good food and she knows that it would be good for me to be back more in my comfort zone and enjoy the slower life I miss so bad. It's taken 10 years but she's coming around slowly. We'll be starting to look for land in about 1 1/2 years so it's not here yet...but we're planning.
 

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im trying to get a homestead started, all too slowly but..., my wife just doesnt want to get involved, she doesnt want to do any of the farm things like the barn, the stock, the garden and preserving, etc. when i bring these things up folks in the family, mine and her's just tell me to "stop looking back" "look forward...." Ive looked forward, i didnt like the view. does anyone else have this problem? just venting a little steam. thanks

Hi Dean ..

I hear you ..

Very hard to go it alone ..

My wife thinks I'm chicken little ..
Between PO, and the economy sucks, and the WOT and GW etc etc ..
She just doesn't want to hear it ..
Meanwhile, I keep taking a few trips a year to our farm in VA ..
Maybe I'll end up there ...... meanwhile .... you gotta do what you
gotta do ...... Stop trying to 'sell' them on your vision of the future
and just go about your business ..

Triff .. :shrug:
 

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Discussion Starter #12
ok i get it. lol

i just had to vent some steam this morning, she's great and i really dont care what the "family" thinks.

im starting small got a couple boxes made for square foot garden to be started in the spring, got started to late this year due to some illness in the our family.

so start small and see where it ends up. i like the garden so i guess it will be for me if no one else.

thanks
dean
 

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bought our farm about 8 years ago. spent our energetic, spare time clearing and fencing and the hundreds of other things. now we are getting older and tireder. lately we spend a lot of time sitting on the little front porch just looking or reading.
our minds get it but our pocketbooks and bodies do not
 

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When we first moved to this area we started with a garden. I did most of the work, tilling, weeding and plowing. Then the picking and preserving. But then hubby started to help out some and he enjoyed it. We sold that place and bought another with a couple of acres more. I kept talking about chickens. He bought me four hens and a rooster for an anniversary gift. Then he bought two rabbits for Mother's Day. Then another rabbit for the next Valentines. Then a goat. LOL....Get it? He did too.

He has been listening to all the news about what is in the food and the food recalls. He now wants larger gardens and more home raised animals for meat. He likes the fact that I can eat our fresh eggs and I don't wheeze like when I eat store bought eggs. He wasn't raised to garden or farm but he has really gotten into all the fresh natural grown foods.

Now the rest of the family is a different matter. Well some of them but the funny thing is they have laughed at me when I tell about all the "junk" that is in our food but this year my youngest sister has a garden, my two oldest daughters have their own gardens and as usual our son has a huge garden. Son raises most all the veggies that they eat but doesn't raise the meats. Neither do the girls but hey they have gardens this year so that is a start.
I send them articles that I find on the internet about how polluted our food has become. They'll come around. LOL

Jan
 
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