Do you prefer aloneness?

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by moopups, Jan 11, 2007.

  1. moopups

    moopups In Remembrance

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    I spent 27 years alone, the presence of another person was too much for me to handle, I thought I had it whooped - but apparently not. The lightest motion, any sound instantly triggers my PTSD. Its caused a failure in this relationship.

    In that it was cold last night I slept fully dressed in a wind breaker, upon moving this morning to take off accumulated pressure my lighter did drop out from my tee shirt pocket to the floor. I stanced, this brain immediantly searched the source of the sound, identified it, located it, found it non harmful, and reported. We are talking a milli second here.

    PTSD never goes away, it will not leave you, you must leave it. This life has been a version of a not acceptable word here. Soon I will return to aloneness. There will be animals present - those I can accept. They are not harmful unless I approach them aggressively.

    Combat alertness is very debilitating, you can not hold a regular job, you feel on guard at all times. I do not leave the house with out my multi tool at my waist line - any weapon is better than no weapon.

    In that carrying a .30 caliber M1 is not accepted social behavior I feel venerable always. In constant alertness, ready to return the approach. I guess this will go away at my death, hopefully, I don't want to take this to my next life.
     
  2. Zipporah

    Zipporah Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry.I wish I knew words to help.
     

  3. Chas in Me

    Chas in Me Well-Known Member

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    Just keep walking softly my friend.
     
  4. Caelma

    Caelma Well-Known Member

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    I don't mean any disrespect, but you sound lke you're
    in such inner pain. Are you activily in counseling? I mean on a continuous basis? Week after week, month after month, year after year?
    And where is the point when you take control of your life and
    actions and stop using PTSD as a crutch and excuse?
    Believe me, I am not meaning any disrespect.
    I am not meaning to dismiss your medical (both psyc and phys)
    I'm just saying, there comes a time when you have to let go
    of excuses and accept full responsability for your actions.
    I know there is a lot of help out there for PTSD. LOTS !!!!!!!!
    We on the board who have gotten to know you through
    your posts do care, but you tend to mention this PTSD
    a lot. Control it and stop letting it control you.
    I know it's easier said than done. I'm not trying to be mean, honestly, I'm not.
    I can't even begin to imagine what you could be going through.
    I had a conselor suspect it in me. So fine, I went through some horrible things as a child. So what, it's over and I moved on.
    (I realize not anything as much as a soldier went through)
    Take care of yourself, no matter what the reasons, a break up is not easy.
    Use the next year to work on you.
     
  5. fordy

    fordy Well-Known Member

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    .....................I'm sorry things didn't work out between you'll Moo . It would really be hard for anyone to empathize with the difficulties that PTSD imposes upon your daily lifestyle . I'm kinda independent in some ways but I'd love to have a very close friendship with a lady and spend much time together and then let her decide how close she'd like for us too become . I , also like my "single time" but i like "together time" as well . We , ALL need someone to love and respect and spend time with to make our time on this earth much more enjoyable and productive . Good luck , fordy... :)
     
  6. HermitJohn

    HermitJohn Well-Known Member

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    No PTSD here, but 14 cats (well think only 13 now) and couple obnoxious dogs are much easier to deal with than even one other human. Some people are just geared to live solo I think. Even the summer I had the hornet nest over my front door, they were preferable to another human.
     
  7. moopups

    moopups In Remembrance

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    Caelma, the response is to aim the weapon and fire; I tried to do counseling; 'breath deep and relax', that does not work. 'Feel better about yourself', again a failure. I understand that an individual must separate from PTSD but it a bell that was rong over 36 years ago, it is not doable at this late of a stage.

    The Adrenalin destroyers the though pathway patterns, they have to be recreated with in milli seconds to survive. I am starting to understand the system, a lot later than most. I feel venerable with out a fire power weapon within my hands.

    In that I had an ignorant saint for a father allowes me to be non returnable on a limited basis. The childhood training has kept me separated of jail time, which would have been remprantant if my father had been violent. My mother was the devils (divorced) wife.

    I do not seek static with others, just a comprehension of my orientation. I chose to write descriptive word of my encounters, as an alternative to the static, it works most of the time. Currant partner has chose to leave, not a problem for me, just hope to maintain a place that has a roof, ect.

    I have lived in my van for 90 plus days before getting help from a past acquaintance - whom was also a user. Maybe he has grown since then but I do not choose to find out. Thank the Source such is not required.
     
  8. Grandmotherbear

    Grandmotherbear Well-Known Member Supporter

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    yes, Moops, you are venerable but I tend to think you meant "vulnerable". :rolleyes: But I do enjoy your fresh way with words.
    I hope the breakup was handled so you were able to reclaim the friendship that underlay the rescue attempt. If not now, then in due time...
     
  9. moopups

    moopups In Remembrance

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    Ageed GMB, the spell check avoids my orientations, I just wish to understand whatever appears on the horizon. My use of the English language sometime falters. Its to the issued medications.
     
  10. tinetine'sgoat

    tinetine'sgoat Luvin' my family in MO

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    I'm not so much on being alone, but I can kinda relate to part of your post. (does that make sence). At one time I was with someone who was very mean and you had to always be on your guard. I thought when he was gone that would leave to, but every now and then someone will walk up behind me or get to close and my brain jumps back to that time for a just a brief minute and I know that it never really leaves. It just kinda goes on hiatus for a while. So even though my experience is nothing compared to yours, I just wanted you to know that I get it.
     
  11. sgl42

    sgl42 Well-Known Member

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    moopups,

    sorry to hear about your recent breakup.

    thank you for your earlier posts about your military experiences, and the lasting effects from that. i must say they're very vivid, and give me some glimpse of what you must be experiencing, something i haven't gotten from any other source. gives me even more respect for what our troops on the front lines faces.

    i recently stumbled across www.hermitary.com, about people throughout history that have been hermits and solitary people. many do so for religious reasons, but there any many others that are secular too.

    they also have a forum . yep, a forum for hermits to get together! :p seems like an oxymoron, doesn't it?

    kind regards,
    --sgl
     
  12. Ninn

    Ninn Custom Crochet Queen

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    Moopups, my heart breaks to hear how fearful your soul is. It has taught you to embrace your aloneness as a shield against an unpredicatable world in answer to a horror none of us will ever understand. Your posts, when descriptive of how you must separate yourself from the world to stay safe, make me cry something awful. I know that physical contact is not your favorite thing, so I will send you a great big cyber hug. God bless you in your struggle to understand your own mind and soul. I think you are reaching somewhere where others never look. ((((((((())))))))))))
     
  13. chamoisee

    chamoisee Well-Known Member

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    I prefer aloneness, and I don't have PSTD, at least, not from combat. I do find that I (and many aspies and autistics) have a rather eidetic memory, which means that my memories are clear enough that they feel as thougfh they just happened yesterday. People frequently accuse me of not "letting it go" (i.e., a painful memory or event that upset me in some way), and it's true. It can take years for me to get over something, not because I cannot forgive, but because it feels like it wasn't that long ago and the trauma is still quite fresh. A lot of people have a really hard time dealing with it, and the result for me is that I feel perpetually and freshly wounded, even though I know intellectually that this is unreasonable.
     
  14. wyld thang

    wyld thang God Smacked Jesus Freak Supporter

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    I love my family, and I also love to be alone. I know I don't have the turmoil you do, but when I feel overwhelmed with too much toxic people behavior, I got out into the woods and listen to the trees grow, feel the wind wave across the hills, become still long enough to forget thinking in words--in my head it's "be still and know He is God"since that's how I see things, but really it is entering into the comfort of knowing both how small and inconsequential I am, and also how blessed I am to be me in the middle of Creation dancing all around me.

    I feel trapped in town, and I feel like a wild animal in a cage if I'm there too long. I know my home is in the woods, and there is comfort in knowing for sure that is my place where I am fully me.

    I guess that's why the wilderness is healing to some people, you enter a place where the lives there act or react from simple need or survival--no head games, no pettiness, no vice--you either eat lunch or you are lunch one day. But definately part of something that is in "right relation" with itself, something balanced, integrated, interdependant upon each small and big thing.
     
  15. uncle Will in In.

    uncle Will in In. Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Mitch, You're gonna do what ever you want to do.
    The most productive thing you do is write.
    Put your stages of life in print. Who knows, might even put a newer roof over your head. (and do use the spell checker) I don't have one and it shows.
     
  16. ceresone

    ceresone Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Moopups, this great-grandmothers heart hurts for you-- jusat remember, you are never completely alone--and anytime you need friends that do care for you- they're close as your keyboard-
     
  17. moopups

    moopups In Remembrance

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    I completely missed it this morning - my hour of silent meditation in the darkness, some times two hours. Was up too late last night. To the east theres looming clouds, backgrounded by the suns crescent glow, the best we can fake for mountains in Florida, visually.

    Theres already the sound of school children passing by, to go to the corner pick up site. A gaggle of parent appear to assure the children make it on to the bus, even in the peaceful neighborhood there could be danger.

    I hate the time lag - the one that appears to destroy my concentration and communications, because I have to look at this keyboard, spell correctly, add the other things; these cause you to be subject to less than this mind seeks to express.

    But your a kind audience, your forgiving, or so it seems to me. Apparently enough is getting through to express my thoughts.
     
  18. Paula

    Paula Well-Known Member

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    WHAT???
    I'm sorry, I was astounded when I read this.
    Despite your placations, it seems hugely insulting and insensitive.
    I have two questions for you:
    1) Have you ever been to war?
    2) Do you have Aspergers?

    If I were you, I'd refrain from counselling people on psychological issues.
     
  19. suzfromWi

    suzfromWi Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Moopups, I hope you gained your down time this am. Store up those peaceful vibes like sunshine for your soul. I am rather down in the mouth this morning due to the downward spiral of a favorite cousins health. Sometimes I just want to run away from the realitys of life....
     
  20. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

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    This morning, about 4:00 or so, I woke and spent a bit of time just thinking-letting my mind wander. I thought about the demons that my sister and I share( horrible childhoods). I also thought of the nightmare stories I've read over the years from others, here and elsewhere.

    We are not alone and it's exactly what Roger just said. It is up to the individual to overcome those demons. He has them-everyone has them to some extent.

    It is a great deal what our family taught our DGD17 who has PDD. She got no coddling, no excuses. She was taught that it was her job to learn how to get through life with a handicap. She is a very strong person and I have no doubt that she will.

    When I post this, it isn't directed toward any individual...'tis just the rambling of a ol' lady.

    Life is very short so live it to the fullest.