disapline problem with my 14 year old

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by michiganfarmer, Dec 1, 2006.

  1. michiganfarmer

    michiganfarmer Max Supporter

    Messages:
    6,615
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    Location:
    Near Traverse City Michigan
    He is skipping some of his homework. we have taken all his toys, and privilages away except letting him watch tv with us when we do. Last night he asked to use the computer. I told him when he gets his one failling grade up he can use it. He said if he can used the computer he would get his grade up. I said the world doesnt work that way, you have to do the work before you can play. I said no, when you get your grade up then you can use the computer. He said, "I just wont get my grades up then".

    He was very angry when he said that. I was very suprised by his anger, and open belligerence.

    The only reason I let him watch tv with us is I dont feel right keeping him in his room with no family interaction all weekend, and every night of the week.

    Should I cut home off from everything, and just make him sit alone in his room untill he straightens up? He is very hard headed. It wouldnt suprise me if he sat there all school year, and refused to do any of his other homework in retaliation.
     
  2. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    Messages:
    44,854
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    Question.... is he homeschooled or public schooled, my answer will be different for the circumstances.

    Angie
     

  3. michiganfarmer

    michiganfarmer Max Supporter

    Messages:
    6,615
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    Location:
    Near Traverse City Michigan
  4. crashy

    crashy chickaholic goddess

    Messages:
    2,740
    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2004
    Location:
    Vancouver,Washington
    If he goes to school call his teachers and ask one of them if you may show up in his class. I did that to my oldest she was so mad!!! I told her to get her grades up or next time I am coming to school in my jammies. Never had to go that far she was so embarrased she did not want that to happen again.
    Now I have a 13 yr old I am starting to have problems with. I hope you get yours straightened out. Just remember its only a few more years of it!!! LOL
     
  5. michiganfarmer

    michiganfarmer Max Supporter

    Messages:
    6,615
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    Location:
    Near Traverse City Michigan
    lol
     
  6. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    Messages:
    44,854
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    a long time ago a 14 year old boy came to live at my house (when I was married). He would not do his work.

    We had to have a notebook that all assignments were written down in for each subject, with teacher's initials confirming homework. Then he had to bring it home (we were his legal guardians) and one of us had to sign it, and then take it with homework back to school, with sign off by teacher than he turned it in.

    This worked, but was work. He also got to play la crosse and do other things if this was followed, but not if it was not followed.

    apparently you have not found his achielle's tendon to get him to want to do something.

    also, what does he want to be when he 'grows up"? Can you take him to see that job, have the people talk with him and tell him what it takes to get there? Can he apprentice to them on weekends?

    Just some thoughts.

    Angie
     
  7. Snowdancer

    Snowdancer Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,828
    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2002
    Location:
    Dyersville, Iowa
    What kind of friends does he have-I mean are they the type you'd call achievers or the type that might be feeding this rebellion? :shrug: He seems quite angry, did this just happen suddenly or has it been building for a few months?

    Also, could he be experimenting with drugs while away from home? Those types of drug experimenting can happen in the rest rooms or even on the back of the bus- I know it sounds unbelievable but it's true. :Bawling:
     
  8. roughingit

    roughingit knitwit

    Messages:
    660
    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2005
    Location:
    Oregon
    You know sending me to my room never worked because I would *rather* have been in there. It would likely be far more annoying to have to sit at your side the entire time he's home or your spouses.

    Not a parent, but I was a teen once :)
     
  9. michiganfarmer

    michiganfarmer Max Supporter

    Messages:
    6,615
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    Location:
    Near Traverse City Michigan
    he says he doesnt know what he wants to do. He says he definately doesnt want to farm, or repair tools like I do. He went to a career day at school where the kids are shown a few different job possibilites. He said he diidnt want to do any of them.

    He doesnt like sports. He doesnt seem to like anything except electronic entertainment.

    that doesnt seem right to me. I wonder if the homework isnt the problem. I wonder if it isnt some kind of depression, or antisocial thing at school, and not doig homework is just a symtom
     
  10. Boleyz

    Boleyz Prognosticator, Artist

    Messages:
    2,053
    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2004
    Location:
    KY
    Getting some SOUND online advice - www.family.org

    http://troubledwith.com/parenting-teens.htm

    James Dobson and focus on the family have some great insights into the psychology of teenagers and have tons of resources from clinicians who know how to move and motivate your teen.

    Not to cast stones at our stellar HT family here, but on this forum you'll get everything from "Hit him with a club" to "Shoot him for Trespassing" to "Don't do anything...you might squash his development".

    I've found that on HT, opinions are like armpits...everyone's got a couple of them and most of them stink... :shrug:

    Read some stuff from people who really know HOW to help you and your son.
     
  11. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

    Messages:
    15,516
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    Perfect! There is nothing more embarrassing to a teen than their parents. Tell him you will go to school with him and hold his hand in the hallways and sit as close as possible to his desk so you two can still hold hands. He'll die at the very thought.
     
  12. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    Messages:
    44,854
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    Or a 14 year old boy.

    Have you looked into what it takes to test, design, the electronic games?

    I know IBM has a room of people that test the new graphics on the latest computers to see how they run, etc. A few years ago I was selling those computers to game testers,

    Might be worth looking into, or find different jobs and see if he can go see what is in it.?

    But with electronics, he's going to need some math and science - even in Tech schools....

    Angie
     
  13. michiganfarmer

    michiganfarmer Max Supporter

    Messages:
    6,615
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    Location:
    Near Traverse City Michigan
    he does seem angry. He seems irritated with everything. He complains when we work outside. He complains when we do house work. He doesnt want to go visit family.

    He isnt getting into drugs at home because he is supervised all the time. I dontknow if he is getting into drugs at school. I kind of doubt it. I smoke, and he hates it. thats why I think he wouldnt try drugs. I might be wrong.

    He only has 2 friends. THey are minor trouble makers. I dont let him see them at home, but I caant control him at school.
     
  14. michiganfarmer

    michiganfarmer Max Supporter

    Messages:
    6,615
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    Location:
    Near Traverse City Michigan
    hahaha
     
  15. WindowOrMirror

    WindowOrMirror ..where do YOU look? Supporter

    Messages:
    3,920
    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2005
    Location:
    Colorado
    Human beings - males in particular - slide to the lowest level of activity (work) that they can and still survive. That inertia is incredibly difficult to overcome. The only way to make children understand that nothing in their adult life will come easy is to allow nothing to come easy in their young lives.

    Ballyhoo all you want about "childhood" and gentle times... I won't listen. Home is to be a place where children are prepared to function in the world as adults. Family and home is also to be a place where a child can express and "be a child" without fear of emotional repercussion... I get that (and provide it), but training up a child involves the harsh reality that Adam got early on in Genesis... "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground"... doesn't say anything about, "By the widening of your behind while you seat yourself in front of the PS2 and TV shall you eat soda and chips served by Mom while you get bad grades".

    Just my $0.02,

    Ron
     
  16. michiganfarmer

    michiganfarmer Max Supporter

    Messages:
    6,615
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    Location:
    Near Traverse City Michigan
    lol very cute.

    I have raised all my kids saying "if you dont work, you dont eat". I have even told him "If you dont get this amount of work done you wont eat dinner".

    EWvery day when I get home I smile at him(and the other kids), and ask him how his day was. We chat about things that are going on like what new movies are coming out that we want to see, and about farm work I'd like to get done this weekend. I do that with each of my 3 kids.
     
  17. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    Messages:
    44,854
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    Good luck!
    Angie
     
  18. turtlehead

    turtlehead Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,390
    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2005
    Location:
    Central WV
    We discipline very much like you do. One of our kids lost all his "toys" (computer time, music, etc.) due to bad grades and then he even lost his posters off the wall and stuff off of his shelves and out of his drawers. He was defiant and hard headed. We figured eventually he'd get bored enough that he'd do his homework. And he did.

    The anger is kind of upsetting, but it's not uncommon. Boys that age are in a tough position of being dependent yet wanting to be cock of the walk. I think the testosterone makes it tough to stay in control and easy for them to react in anger and hostility. Of course they need to learn that angry outbursts and disrespectful behavior are unacceptable, but it's not the end of the world to see them struggling with that.

    In my own experience, consistency is important. If you say no computer until the grades come up, definitely stick to that. I also agree it would be detrimental to make him sit in his room and be ostracized from the family when y'all are watching TV. Family time is very important!

    I think if you stay the course you'll do okay - but be vigilant and if things get worse you'll need to change your tactic or up the ante.

    Oh, one more thing - make sure the revocation of privileges is about the grades, and where he's putting his energies (play vs. school), and don't let it turn into a power or ego struggle between him and you. You'll never win a power struggle. It has to be done in the spirit of guidance, not control.
     
  19. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    Messages:
    44,854
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    What would happen if you didn't do your HomeWORK? how inconvienced would he be?

    Think sideways and unexpected... it worked for my girls when they were about that age...

    Angie
     
  20. michiganfarmer

    michiganfarmer Max Supporter

    Messages:
    6,615
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    Location:
    Near Traverse City Michigan
    I have discussed with him the possibility of him designing games, or working as a game tester because he likes them so much. He showed some interest until he found out how much schooling it takes.

    He does well on his tests, and he does well in math, and science as long as there isnt lots of homework given.