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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
How are things in your world ? I fill a depression is coming or maybe it's just me . I had to give each of my 3 kids a 100 dollar gif cards for Christmas from our local grocery . They spent all their money on presents for the kids , Had to give one 140 for her gas bill another one 140 to pay something with anoher 20 dollars to get med for sick husband . Granddauther calls and needs 100 to take the baby to doctor no insurance . My sons xwife husband calls he lost his job and wants to know if he can work on the frm this week as they are broke . God has blessed my wife and I an we have saved all our lifes for retirement but how long can we keep this up and how do we say no to family ? Just had to vent some sorry .
 

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Don't be sorry. We all have to vent some times. It's sad that Christmas presents came before groceries. Especially in troubles economic times, a division needs to be made where necessities, true necessities, are taken care of first, and everything else comes last.

I can't imagine how you're feeling right now, spending your retirement to help your family, and knowing that you need to take care of yourself as well. If you have the time, maybe you could check out what options are available for your family that don't require you to sacrifice, such as food stamp programs or local food banks. That could help your family, and still leave you with retirement money.

Either way, if you're able, I'd suggest planting an extra large garden this coming year. That's what my family will be doing. This could work out really well, especially if you have family members willing to help.

I hope this message gives you some comfort. God bless.
 

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Why not take this as a chance (some might say a sign) that your family should be brought together in these hard times? Not in an isolationist way, as a way of furthering your family spiritually and financially along with your local community (as close families tend to interact more with the community at large). Tell them to sell off their houses, pool their resources and get everyone on one plot of land. Even if they don't all farm, I'm sure some of them would certainly be eager to help. Heck, you can build a 1000sq foot log cabin or straw bale home these days for under $20k, and that would certainly take a load of debt off them. Add in a good farm of 5-6 acres could bring in all your food needs if tended right. And the final, and most beneficial bit, you can have people close by to take care of you as you age! I know the old close family housing/single plot of land bit, died out a while ago, but that doesn't mean you can't try and revive it :)
 

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I do bankruptcies and I see parents and grandparents filing because they have over-extended themselves helping children and grandchildren.

I would suggest that you either have a sit down discussion with each family member or compose a letter to be sent to all telling them (a) the bank is closed and (b) please don't ask because it upsets us to have to say no. Be sure to let them know you love them but just cannot help financially any longer. If you feel competent to advise them, I'd offer to sit down and help them with budgets. Get a list of resources so you can refer them for food stamps or other emergency help.

If you use up all your $'s helping your family, then what? Will they be financially willing and able to help you? I'd guess not. So take care of yourselves first so you don't become a burden to them.
 

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I'd tell 'em the Old Man River Bank went belly-up and you're waiting for your bailout;-)
 

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If you use up all your $'s helping your family, then what? Will they be financially willing and able to help you? I'd guess not. So take care of yourselves first so you don't become a burden to them.
I agree, it's just like the oxygen mask for airlines. If you don't strap your mask on first, you're not going to have enough oxygen to help your kids out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
We have 130 acres paid for We have all the equitment to farm with but getting them to change their life styles is going to be hard . I think this is a problem a lot of people are going to have to deal with . When does it hit home that we can no longer support the life style we have grown use to . I live a very interesting live I have been dirt poor and hungry , I have spent time in third world countrys I have seen people starving but for the American people to have to give up their store bought lifes is going to be hard . My children are this way . I have cows chickens goats timber land pasture but I am getting old none of them show any interest in farming . I pray that they will crash lightly and maybe they will come to love the land and what it can give you . I see no other way for them and a lot more people in the good old USA .
 

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I think it is good to be able to help your children out in a pinch. I would have very clear rules about it though. I have loaned money to various family members over the years and they all know that they can't get more money until any outstanding amounts are paid back and if they mess up, they will never get any more.
 

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I hear ya when it comes to helping our kids out.. I am guilty. I wont let my grandchildren go with out. My daughter has a b/f who is sick I mean mentally most days, He drinks get violent, breaks stuff, its not fair to the kids. I dont know how many times they have called because they have no heat, and no money, I go get oil for them and find out the parents went to Bingo,, talk about making your blood boil.. So when the kids call me and say gram we have no heat, I go and get them,, the adults dont want to stay here,, rules and have to be responsible.. I have a rental lot on my land,, all hooked up with water, lights sewer,, I wont put a trailer on it, because I dont want to have the mess and stress from the adults, I know I wouldnt get paid rent and things wouldnt be kept clean. I have a problem with filth,, lived in and cluttered dont bother me,, filth I dont deal with well.. So my adult kids get no money help any more,, I have to work,, so do they
 

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I hear you, oldmanriver. The only reason we were able to loan a relative $ 3,600 a year ago is because we do without the store-bought life, as you call it. It was a life or death situation for her. She needed a new liver (destroyed hers with booze) and needed the money for an apartment near the transplant hospital. She was happy and surprised we had the money available...I told her that everyone needs an emergency fund for situations like this. She told us that she knows it's our emergency money and plans to pay back every penny...100 per month.
She managed 7 payments, the last one in August, and finally contacted us Christmas to tell us that she just can't afford it right now. She didn't bother to ask us how we were making out without the expected 100 bucks every month....lol. We also noticed that she still uses a cell phone.

You must be a really good guy if even your ex-daughter-in-law's new husband comes to you for help.
 

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I think you need to stop enabling their financial recklessness. It's one thing to help out family when they are really in a tight spot due to unforeseen circumstances. But failing to budget their money and live withing their means is not unforeseen circumstances. When it becomes a habit and they are coming back to you for money time after time, you're in a vicious cycle and you need to break it, asap.
 

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You put your tongue to the roof of your mouth, open the mouth like a fish and forcing the tongue down - while shaking your head sideways - "no" Practice it with me.

If you can't do this - at least, pay the bill, don't give money. Have them bring you the bill, you write a check for it and mail it off. Then find them some work to do for you. Otherwise you have a good chance in becoming an enabler. You enable them to keep their lifestyle while you sacrifice.
 

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We have a large garden most every year .Anyone wanting food will find lots of tools near by grab them an use them don't ask after they are in the jar . What cfabe said . DD called once an ask mom to cosign for a car bet people three states over heard her answer :eek:
 

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Telling your kids no has got to up there as one of the hardest things to do; but it has to be done. I have had to step in when my mom wanted to slip some money to my oldest that moved out last year. Told her it wasn't really helping him and he needed to learn how to budget. He knows he can work for cash here at the farm so that if he really does need the money he can get it. If they don't want to work for the money; they must not need it bad enough. No pay until the work is done; just like a regular job. Even my younger kids know they can work for extra cash, but don't expect me to just hand it over.
 

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I would like to gently remind those who are being critical about the spending patterns of others that two flat out luxury companies did stupendously well during the Great Depression: Este Lauder and Coke. Este Lauder recognized that women would do without a lot before they'd give up lipstick, and Coke linked its product to everything from sex appeal to hometown values... and it sold, and sold, and sold...

Like peppermint candy sticks (anyone remember those?), chocolate... or even a good cup of coffee... people will go hungry, wear the rags another week, to have a little taste of luxury even when doing so defies common sense. Cigarettes are an addiction.. but they're also an expensive luxury.

And somewhere in your stripped down, bare bones, I know how to budget budget are probably some luxury items it would pain you greatly to do without. I think we need to approach people in financial crisis during this time with a little more understanding and a little less judgement. No, they're not doing things the way you might choose to. Yes, they've got a problem. But backing someone into a corner and tearing at their self-esteem isn't particularly helpful, even if it does make you feel like a saint.
 

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A genuine hardship is one thing, but I would draw the line at providing grocery money so they could eat steaks while I ate bologna sandwiches. I can understand the luxury thing, but when I need extra cash I cut the luxuries out. I also don't think alot of younger people these days know what it is to sacrafice their wants to be able to meet their needs. And if they always have Bank of Mom or Dad; then that just delays the lesson to be learned. Some call it tough love.
 

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And somewhere in your stripped down, bare bones, I know how to budget budget are probably some luxury items it would pain you greatly to do without. I think we need to approach people in financial crisis during this time with a little more understanding and a little less judgement. No, they're not doing things the way you might choose to. Yes, they've got a problem. But backing someone into a corner and tearing at their self-esteem isn't particularly helpful, even if it does make you feel like a saint.
First off, I'd like to say you are right. Everyone has those things they won't go without. But sometimes you need to beat some sense into someone's head i.e. an intervention, and they aren't nicety nice. The folks he's listed have problems balancing between heating their house in the middle of winter and buying hundreds of dollars worth of presents. Most people also draw the line between TV and food, and if you can't make that choice intelligently...to most people, I think that is what we call a "Darwin Winner". We aren't berating the people directly either, just sympathizing we know of or have people in our lives in the same situations.
 

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I hear you, oldmanriver. The only reason we were able to loan a relative $ 3,600 a year ago is because we do without the store-bought life, as you call it. It was a life or death situation for her. She needed a new liver (destroyed hers with booze) and needed the money for an apartment near the transplant hospital.
I don't know where your relative had the liver transplant or what her circumstances were, but I'd like to share our experience. My DH had a heart transplant six years ago. Our social worker was able to get us a nearby apartment, nothing fancy, but comfortable. She asked me if it was going to be a financial burden upon us to have to pay for the apartment, and if so what did I feel that we could pay. I told her with everything that had already happened, most anything was going to be a financial burden. There were no further questions. We wound up paying $1 a day for the apartment.
 

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Don't think anyone is feeling like a saint .Or not me for sure .But more of teaching while we are still here .When Oldmanriver floes on then where they at :confused: Saw it before when the dust settles the farm gone cash an all new cars high living down payments ect . Put a can of corn in my pot every time i need it why wood i plant it ??? If i had rather smoke my smoke an drink my coke than pay my electric bill that is a choice i made. Bet i would be doing it in the dark :confused:Unless someone feels lead to get me by one more month :help:
 

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I don't get it......dh has been out of work since October and we've not asked anyone for anything. Instead I'm working and leaving my kids at home to make up the difference. I've been a sah mom for 20 years.....this is the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'll gladly do it before we ask for help.
 
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