Death in the Family

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by fellini123, Dec 6, 2006.

  1. fellini123

    fellini123 Well-Known Member

    Feb 2, 2003
    Central Virginia
    Ok, I know I am going to get flamed for being an insensitive, you know what, and I am ready for that. But maybe I will get a few good ideas as well.

    Our daughters fiancee died last week. It was very unexpected and he was only 30 years old, he and our daughter had been living together for about 4 years. They were going to pick out her wedding ring for Christmas. Needless to say she is very upset. She lives about 2 1/2 hours from us. As soon as we found out hubby drove down to help her out.

    She was a total mess, hubby loaded a few things in the van and after all was done that could be done he brought her up to our house. That was 7 days ago. We gave her support, shoulders to cry on, lots of kleenex, talked bunches. She is still a mess, all she does is cry and scream and say things like "Why did he leave me??" "It is so unfair." And well you get the idea.

    Anyway, about about 4 days of this I was talking to her and said you need to make some plans...there are things that need to be handled. Like the rent on your house, different bills, your job, etc. She informed me between sobs that she was never going to set foot in that house again, she quit her job and she was going to live here with us. (Keep in mind we have a very small one bedroom house!! LOL) I asked about all of her things, she has all the stuff in the house 2 1/2 hours away, plus she has a storage unit filled with more stuff where she used to live about 6 hours away. Plus her fiancees race car, anyone want a race car with a blown transmission??

    She said her daddy would go and get all the stuff and bring it here, and she could put it in a storage unit here. (Now we are not mentioning that daddy has a very serious heart condition, 2 open heart surgeries, there is no way he should be packing up 2 households and unpacking here!!!) Not to further mention what will we use to get it all here?? Anyway, daddy asked if she had any friends that could help with the packing etc, she said Noooooo and went off into another crying jag.

    Now I understand about grief, and I understand about support, but this person is 31 years old, she needs to take responsibility for her life. I asked about jobs. She said that she couldnt deal with people, that she cant go out in public. We have taken her a few places to try and get her out of this, but after a few minutes she starts the screaming and sobbing and crying stuff.
    She also insists that she cant be alone. She follows hubby around everywhere. We had to go and take care of some bills and we leave early in the AM. She was asleep, we asked if she wanted to go, she said no. (I dont think she really heard us.) We were gone about 2 hours, came home and she was in a panic state, had cried and run around looking for us, we found her curled up in a ball on the couch just saying "I cant be alone I cant be alone, why did they leave me."

    Now I know someone is going to say get her counseling, but we live on SS and a little military retirement, ther is no insurance, I know that she only has about 800 in the bank and no savings. I also know that as soon as that runs out we will end up have to make her car payments, car insurance, and any other bills she may have, she is also calling all her "non-friends" long distance using our phone for hours, literally hours, at a time, I dont even want to think of what our phone bill will be!!!!! Counseling is pretty much out of the question cost wise.

    So......flame away, believe me anything would be better than crying 24/7.
    Alice in soggy Virginia
  2. DenverGirlie

    DenverGirlie Well-Known Member

    Dec 22, 2005
    Evergreen, CO
    Wow, you've got your hands full. I don't have any advice, gosh I wish I did.

    7 days thou... that's a bit long IMHO. I mean you see those folks on TV all the time that just lost a family memeber, etc 2 days prior... they are able to "keep it together". 31, sounds more like 13, but I'm certainly not "quailified" to give any andive on this. However, grief is different for eveyone, I can not even imagine some of the stuff that happens.

    However, will give you kodos for asking for advice. Do you have a pastor or anyone in the community that might deal with grief a lot, might they be able to give you some pointers?

    Good luck

  3. Snowdancer

    Snowdancer Well-Known Member

    Sep 23, 2002
    Dyersville, Iowa
    Many Churches have grief counselors; most will even counsel a person who isn't of their faith in these situations.
    Maybe check out either a church of your chosen faith or if you are non churchgoers-try the Unitarian Universalist Church which accepts all faiths.

    Has your daughter ever experienced a loved one dying before this? It sounds like she is taking this very hard which is understandable since it was so sudden. From your post, it also sounds like this might be her first experience with the death of a loved one and that's why she's so clingy and fearful about being alone.

    Try to find some free, or sliding fee grief counselling-I think that may be your first step in getting your daughter back into life and the adult responsibilities that come with being a grown up.

    I'm sorry for your families loss. :(
  4. MarleneS

    MarleneS Well-Known Member

    Aug 21, 2003
    Ask yourself, if you know that your 31 year old daughter can not manage her own life, why in the world are you considering allowing her to run you and your husband's? IF you allow her to live in a house that is too small, IF you allow her to lay on the couch and not even consider getting a job, IF you do not simply tell her you will not endanger your husbands life by even figuring out how to go get HER possession, that is she wishes to keep them she will have to figure out how and where. IF she will not atleast start making calls about getting some help for her grief and depression, I would load her back up and take her back to HER own place. Has she even let her employer know what's going on? If she is a valued employee they might hold her job for her for a little while longer.

    It's up to you and your husband, do you want to make the decision about how you live your life or do you want the 31 year old grief stricken daughter doing it for you?

    If she is suicidal, call you local police department, they know exactly what to do with suicidal unemployed people.

    How's that for flaming?

  5. marvella

    marvella Well-Known Member

    Oct 12, 2003
    no flames here.

    sorry for your loss. your daughter basically ran back home and is acting like a little girl again. after only a week, it's understandable. she needs her mom and dad right now. did he die at home? was she with him? most of us are not used to being confronted with the reality of death.

    however, i can understand your impatience with her behavior. she's acting like a 10 year old! a trip to a family doctor should get her a short-term prescription for valium, or elavil or something to help her get out of the cycle of fear and tears she is caught up in. she's probably not eating or sleeping right. a week or two of something to calm her nerves should gie her better perspective on what she needs to do next.

    she's had a hard row to how lately. continued support and time should fix it.
  6. fastbackpony

    fastbackpony Well-Known Member

    Aug 30, 2006
    I certainly cannot sympathize with what your going thru. But i am sorry for you.

    This "girl" may have a lot on her shoulders but she is going to have to face some of the facts.

    fact 1 - if you are paying her car payment, she needs to sign it over to you

    2 - with no insurance / since she can't pay, she is going to be doing a lot of walking.

    3 - she needs a job - nobody can just choose to not work - have you and your husband decided to just not work before ?

    4 - you are not a bank - no matter how much money or muscle you have - it is not hers to use as she wishes - it is yours, and your phone. take the phone with you when you leave the house, if thats what it takes - otherwise your phone bill could be $800 before you get turned around. tell her you just don't HAVE that kind of money. If you do have it, you have plans for it, and its not available for her, so you don't have it for her to use up acting like a big baby. (i hate lying)

    she needs to start looking for an apartment - its so sad she lost her man / and apparently became very dependent over the last 4 yrs. but if your not careful she will drain you guys finacially / emotionally / and every other way.

    also, if you can, have a lets get real talk, but do it in love. she can talk to her friends for hours she can talk to you - no temper / grief fits.

    good luck :)
  7. momlaffsalot

    momlaffsalot Well-Known Member

    Sep 9, 2004
    I'm sorry for the loss of your future son-in-law. Your daughter needs to learn to deal with all that life hands her. Life is tragic sometimes but it's also sweet much of the time and she has to be prepared to grow stronger with all of her experiences. I would help her find counseling and insist that she go. Then I would tell her she needs to go home, or make other arrangements in another week or so-I can see how she might want to stay with you at least another week or two, but no longer! You really won't be doing her any favors if you let her be dependent on you. Remind her that you are only a phone call away and that you'll be there emotionally for her for as long as she needs. Again, my condolences.
  8. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

    May 10, 2002
    As an RN, there really *IS* a way of prioritizing.

    1. Safety first. Your DH is not going to lift ANY boxes, you hear??????!!!!!!!

    And, yes, she needs a counselor, paid or otherwise. For her safety. And, yes, she can pay for it: many places DO have sliding scales! And, since she has no income, hers might be very small indeed.

    2. Property. There needs to be some sales. I am not very knowledgable as to selling items on anothers bahalf, but there may be some here who know how it is done. The sales of property can support her for a while.

    If she wishes to hang on to the house, it could be emptied and rented out. Realty offices I THINK can let you know how to find a manager for the property.

    When my sister left her DEX it would not have been safe for her to go back forf her stuff. So, she gave my Dad a list of the things she wanted and he *AND MY BROTHER* went back and got them. Again, your DH should NOT lift any boxes!

    At any rate, a moving sale could dispose of the rest of the things.

    And, yes, there probably IS a market for a broken race car, you would have to advertize in the racing circles however.

    OH! I see that they were renting the house?

    Under the circumstances, it is possible that the landlord would let them out of the lease *IF* the house were cleared out, so that it could be rented to somebody else.
  9. ceresone

    ceresone Well-Known Member Supporter

    Oct 7, 2005
    My best advice is to drag her to the computer, make her read this entire post- then look at her--and say now??
  10. Tracy Rimmer

    Tracy Rimmer CF, Classroom & Books Mod Supporter

    May 9, 2002
    Manitoba, Canada
    Does she have a history of being a drama queen? Is she the type of person to take advantage of a situation like this in order to have an "excuse" to live off of others and not work?

    If she's not like this normally, get her to counselling -- there are agencies to help defray the cost -- find them. If she *IS* that type of person, it may be time for a very frank discussion about what you will be allowing in your home and what you will not. She's 31 years old -- time to act like it. We *ALL* lose people, we all have to learn to put on our big girl panties and act like adults, even when we're screaming inside.

    I don't mean to flame you, I hope you're not interpreting it that way -- I just hate to see grown people acting like children. As far as I'm concerned, if her behavior is as you say it is, then she's either in gross need of some counselling, or she's using you.
  11. Elizabeth

    Elizabeth Well-Known Member Supporter

    Jun 4, 2002
    West Central Minnesota
    Your daughter needs grief counseling, big time. Contact your local Hospice organization- they offer free grief counseling for, I think, the first year following a death.

    Your daughter is probably in shock. You did not provide any details about her fiancee's death, but you did say it was unexpected, so shock is likely. Definitely contact Hospice- they are professionals and they deal with this sort of thing all the time.

    Good luck.
  12. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    May 10, 2002
    A couple of things cross my mind.

    1. they were living together, not married. What rights to any of his stuff does she have? What about his family? where are they in all this, and is their stuff being taken as she is at your house?

    2. buying a house? both names on it, right of survival? could be problems there also.

    3. did he have any life insurance at work? did he name her beneficiary? that may pay for some stuff.

    4. joint bank accounts, sepeparate accounts....

    someone needs to be getting their stuff together cause there could be major problems and major debts left to her.

    and I agree with the others, your hubby and you do not need to shoulder her finances and moving burdens.

    Good luck.
  13. fellini123

    fellini123 Well-Known Member

    Feb 2, 2003
    Central Virginia
    Boy you guys are smack dab on the money!! Everything you all have been saying is what I have been saying for the past 3 or 4 days. It is just no one here is listening!! LOL I think part of it is hubby is enabling, his poor little girl is hurting and he wants to take the hurt away.

    I hadn't thought about the counseling would be based on HER income, I will discuss this with her and see if we can find a place that will take her. No church affiliation. I dont think we have a hospice around here. We are in a pretty rural part of Virginia.

    Yes he died at home and yes she found him, and yes this is the closest to death she has had in the family. She has been involved with some very close friends of hers that have died, but not family.

    She is taking....xanex?? something that helps calm her down and lets her sleep. Otherwise I dont know what would be happening. Truthfully I worry a bit about her becoming dehydrated, I know that sounds silly but can someone cry for this long and not get dehydrated???

    No she is not eating like she should, I try and keep putting things out, and she will take a bite here and there. She takes her pills to sleep so she seems to be falling asleep at about 10 pm and getting up around 7 am, so that seems about right to me???

    As far as taking the phone with us, she goes everywhere with us, she uses the phone while we are here. I have made several comments like "I think we only have a certain number of minutes on the phone, wouldn't want to use them all up the first day." She looks and goes off sobbing.

    We have tries to get her involved with the running fo the house, you know making dinners, feeding animals. I thought that would get her mind off things. But she starts and then goes on a crying jag. She also brought up two dogs, I have said they are her dogs and she needs to take care of them. So she puts a couple pans of food out for them but that is all. Sometimes I wish she had kids so at least she would HAVE to pay attention to them.

    I guess we will give her another week and see how it goes. I will also talk with her to see about some counseling sessions. Thanks guys Iknw you all woudl have a few suggestions.
    Alice in Virginia
  14. Topaz Farm

    Topaz Farm Well-Known Member

    Jan 27, 2005
    Abilene, Texas
    I think everyone before me has already said what needs to be said.

    As for the phone. Call the phone company and get the long distance taken off. If you have to make LD calls get a calling card or I think you can get a code number to dial first, just keep it secret. But you need to do that NOW.

    :angel: Sorry about your daughter's loss.
  15. Cheryl in SD

    Cheryl in SD Living in the Hills Supporter

    Apr 22, 2005
    South Dakota
    Is she using a cell phone or land line? First thing I think you need to do is call and change your plan! Often if you know you wil be going over, you can upgrade for a month or two and stop the overages. Call NOW before the end of the billing period.

    Call DHHS and ask them for help with her. Is someone making arrangements for him? There are financial decisions she has to make. Just saying you can't won't make them go away.
    She needs help.
  16. mamahen

    mamahen Well-Known Member Supporter

    May 11, 2002
    US of A
    My mom had a similar experience when her dh passed away.

    She ended up way overmedicating herself, watch for that. Thinking if one pill is good, 2 is better. I really want to sleep all day, I'll take more. Scared herself & ended up stopping all together.

    She also found a grief "group" in the newpaper. THey met at a church, but wasn't necesarily church related. They did talk about heaven & afterlife. They met 8-10 weeks & it helped her TREMENDOUSLY!!! It was for anyone who lost a loved one, child, spouse sibling. You could also go thru it a second time, but I don't think most do. It was free & headed by a grief counsler. Try the newspaper.

    While yes, she needs time to grieve, she also needs to know that the world is still turning.
    Good luck.
  17. JanS

    JanS Well-Known Member

    Jul 28, 2002
    Beautiful SW PA
    I agree that she needs to get herself together and take care of herself. You can't be responsible for her, she's an adult. On the other hand, a couple of weeks isn't that long to be feeling this depth of grief, especially if his death was sudden.

    P.S., I held it together very well after my husband's death, so did my kids, and boy did I hear criticism over their LACK of grief. :rolleyes:
  18. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

    May 10, 2002
    Firtst, tell your DH and your DD that she won't melt if she sheds tears. Tears are not plasma. I'm not being insensitive. It seems that her tears are her way of not dealing with reality.

    More later and bless your heart.
  19. SherrieC

    SherrieC Well-Known Member

    Aug 24, 2002
    wow! My husband Died unexpectly when I was 25 years old! actually 15 yrs ago tomorrow! Leaving me with 3 tiny kids! 3 5 and 7, and I was a full time college student at the time. Not only did I survive, but I finished that year out with a 3.5.!!

    yes I know it hurts and it's crushing, but tell her I said to Pull herself together! Do Not let her move in with you! And also I'm sending her a hug. She needs to go home, get grief conseling or go to her church, get back out there in her routine, & Go get back her job.
  20. frogmammy

    frogmammy Well-Known Member Supporter

    Dec 8, 2004
    So, what would she be doing if y'all WERE'NT there? Sounds like a REALLY selfish child to me.