DD Persona non Grata at Christmas :(

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by A'sta at Hofstead, Dec 21, 2006.

  1. A'sta at Hofstead

    A'sta at Hofstead Turkey Wrangler

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    Well, I don't know if anyone can help me with any advice on this on or not.
    If you read the thread about my grandson Andrew acting up you might have some idea about the situation in my home.
    My dh and I have custody of my step-dd's 2.5yo grandson (since age 10 mos). The dd is 19 her name is Jenn. We have had custody of dh's three kids for six years now, the real mom has problems with substance abuse. dd 19 saw too much growing up and her ways were set when we got custody when she was 13, she has broken our hearts, lied to us and generally made life miserable. (the other younger kids are high honors and sports nuts)

    We bought a farm and larger house in September and a little later Jenn was having problems in Massachusetts where she was bouncing to and from NH. We offered to let her come live with us. She has had a DUI in Mass. and no license. I helped her to get a job at a local Supermarket and she was doing Ok for awhile, me, giving her rides.

    Everything changed right around Thanksgiving, she came home at 5am and was in no state to help me as she promised, so I worked my tail off all day (I would have prepped more night before if she hadn't promised) There was a blowout with her dad telling her to shape up or ship out and when I went in to see how she was she screamed at me telling me "see you got what you want I am out of here" Well, she calmed down and had dinner, but the day was ruined for me and dh.

    Two weeks ago she tells us she has a court date in MA for driving after suspension. She "borrows" $50- from dh to get a friend to drive her. She then tells us she is staying down there to get her court stuff taken care of to get her license back and her Grammy (who is wealthy) was going to buy her a car. She never even called the job to tell them she quit, I am embarrassed to even go shopping now. The registry told her she has to get NH fixed because they issued her the license and she has a warrant here too.
    She has not been back since and her Grammy called to tell me she let Jenn borrow her CC to Christmas shop and Jenn disapperared. Jenn was staying at a Hotel and had charged 1200- and was back with a young man who is ahem, not of our culture at all, which would be fine but he is a gangsta too. (She is persona non grata at Grammys now)

    We bought her a new snowborad package awhile ago and various clothing and dh tells me not to wrap the things because she is not welcome in our house. Her son lives here and I think this is cruel to him more than to her, he loves his mom.
    Oh, she also went in my jewely box and wore some inexpensive jewlrey which I took back, but I found a tie clip that was my late dad's in the dryer (using it for a roach clip?)
    :Bawling: I am dreading the Holidays now, all this prep and baking and wrapping seems like a fake, how can I be happy ith this stress and turmoil, I am afraid when she shows up (which I am sure she will) that my dh will have a heart attack as he has before.
    Do I plead with dh to make a show of it or should I try to reach Jenn and tell her not to come, she is "dead to us" until she grows up?
    I am at a loss.
     
  2. Pony

    Pony Well-Known Member Supporter

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    HCF, I am so sorry for the situation you're in. It is devastating when a kid is using (drugs AND people), and it's hard to know where to draw the line.

    I don't have any answers for you, but will ask you some questions.

    Would you let a known felon in your home with your children/grandchildren?

    Would you let someone who steals, thieves, and lies near your kids?

    Would you welcome someone who is a drug abuser influence your children?

    Would you let such a person take advantage of you and those you love?

    Does the Christmas season make it "okay" to allow these things to happen in your home?

    My dear friend has a son who is addicted to heroin. They have bent over backwards to help him, have nearly gone bankrupt on more than one occasion to get him treatment. The problem was, even though he wound up in prison, he always figured he would be able to rely on them to provide a landing pad for him.

    They finally told him that they would have nothing to do with him, and that he is not welcome into their home until he has been clean and sober for AT LEAST a year, and he is not to contact them. Harsh? Yes, but there are limits, and they were tired of enabling him. All they were doing were protecting him from the inevitable consequences of his actions.

    Their lives are more peaceful, their other children have consistency and are free from the drama that always accompanied the return of their brother, and the young man in question has the opportunity to land as hard as he has to so that he can wake up and get things on the right track.

    Just some thoughts.

    God bless your family. And I mean this most sincerely: Merry Christmas.

    Pony!
     

  3. Maura

    Maura Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I can't say what to do about this dd, but I think you and your husband should go into counseling to help you sort out this particular mess. Any step you take, whether cutting her off until she straightens out, or letting her come home, will have repurcussions.

    As for Christmas, I think you owe it to the other children to make a happy Christmas. And to yourself too.
     
  4. cast iron

    cast iron Well-Known Member

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    Your husband has the right idea. This persons behavior is completely and totally unacceptable. You are being an "enabler" with your actions of continually taking her back, buying stuff for her etc. People have to want to change themselves before they will actually change. YOU cannot help to change other peoples behavior unless they want to change themselves.

    Tell her to stay away until she can show a stable, responsible pattern of behavior. In the meantime celebrate and enjoy the holidays with your family. Don't let one family members poor behavior dictate YOUR happiness. We all would like to have the perfect leave-it-to-beaver family unit, but the reality is most of us don't. So don't let others ruin the Holiday's for your family.
     
  5. cindyc

    cindyc Well-Known Member

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    As hard as this is, one thing in your post stuck out to me...

    "The dd is 19 her name is Jenn. We have had custody of dh's three kids for six years now, the real mom has problems with substance abuse. dd 19 saw too much growing up and her ways were set when we got custody when she was 13, she has broken our hearts, lied to us and generally made life miserable. (the other younger kids are high honors and sports nuts) "

    This is difficult on her son, no doubt. But if she does not change, in 10 years someone may be writing those words about him... All you can do right now, is protect the boy from his mother so that history does not repeat it's self. I certainly would not allow her back in without detox. Someone who is stealing from family isn't acting like they will be coming home for christmas.

    That may sound harsh. I know you must feel sorry for her, because of how she was raised until you got her, and for her son who is caught in the middle. But she has had 7 years to make a different choice for herself, and has not done so.

    Sometimes helping isn't helpful. She is creating a harsh reality for herself that she really has to sit with. It may be the only thing that saves her. DON'T bail her out! You cannot save a person who does not wish to be saved. It may only be by living the consequences of her own actions that she starts to see the need for help.

    OK this is the advice my dh gives when asked. He was once a user, now clean and sober for 17 years. He went through some rocky years, but found faith, and hope, and is doing really well for almost 2 decades. I am SO SORRY that you are having to deal with this, and now of all times. Looking in my dear husband's face, I have hope that she will come back to you whole, and healthy. But it has to be her choice.
     
  6. A'sta at Hofstead

    A'sta at Hofstead Turkey Wrangler

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    This is what is killing me the repucussions with either decision. Thanks Pony for your wisdom, and you maura and anyone else who has any perspective on this. We love her, but we do not like here, at all.
     
  7. Buffy in Dallas

    Buffy in Dallas Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I hope "rich gradma" reported the credit card stolen and cancelled it!!!
    I would try to contact the kid and tell her that she is not welcome in the house. Don't show up or the police will be called.
    Sorry that you have to go through this!
     
  8. A'sta at Hofstead

    A'sta at Hofstead Turkey Wrangler

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    "rich enabling grandma" it should be. Jenn has always taken off to be spoiled and enbaled by this woman, I will not say anything else bad about her as she has lent us a hand in the past, but she has screwed up her daughter, who almost died recently, ruined Jen and her two sons died of drug or alcohol abuse before age 50. Sad.
     
  9. Jan Doling

    Jan Doling Well-Known Member

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    Pretend you are Amish...shun her until she changes....if no change...continue shunning.
     
  10. Spotted Crow

    Spotted Crow Well-Known Member

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    Put a couple of her gifts on the porch, return the rest and lock the door. Also have a Protective order put in place...
    Harsh as it seems, she's proven that she can't be trusted. She lied, stole and has arrest warrants out for her, DUI, etc...
    Good luck.
     
  11. patnewmex

    patnewmex Jane of all trades

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    Pony is most wise and wonderful. Heed the words of the diminutive horse.

    :)
     
  12. Laura

    Laura Well-Known Member

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    I totally agree with Pony. I agree with Jan, shunning is a wonderful protective practice.

    Personally, I don't allow people in my home who may be on drugs, holding drugs or who have warrants on them, I don't care who they are.

    Uhm...one more thing. Return Jenn's gifts and spend the money on something wonderful for your grandson and have a merry Christmas. I guess that's two things!
     
  13. TeachMe

    TeachMe Active Member

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    While I love my family members, I would not allow any known lying, theiving, drug abusing, family-user into my home unless they showed some marked changes in their life. Not worth the trouble and energy and in the end you are better off for it.
     
  14. Tonya

    Tonya Guest

    I am an adoptive Mom and there is a reason why we have open adoptions...and a reason why they don't get to learn where we live.

    I wouldn't let any of them within a mile of my house. Most of them have records as long as my arm and the others are menatally unbalanced to the point of insanity. I will NOT let them influence our kids. My youngest daughter has a Mom who is 25 and has lost 2 kids to drugs. We were to meet at a restaurant the other night and she didn't show. This is the second time this year that she has forgotten to show up. So now she doesn't get to see her daughter for another 6 months. I'm not rearranging my life to fit her. MAYBE losing the chance to see her daughter will wake her up. I kinda doubt it will, but now my daughter is just 2 and a half. She's not going to be as hurt by this as she will when she is 12.

    It's the same thing with your Grandson. He's young and if you can set clear boundries with your step daughter now MAYBE she can still be around to be a good influence on him later. How do you think he'd react if she did this when he's 12?

    I agree with your DH. Wrap the presents and set them outside with a note that says "We love you, but you can't act this way. Get help and get off our property and don't come back until you've gone a whole year without drugs or police incidents."

    Good luck!
    Tonya
     
  15. culpeper

    culpeper Well-Known Member

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    Think about the child! OK, so the woman isn't a fit parent, and you don't want her in your home. But the child has a right to see his mother, and the mother has a right to see her child. Especially at Christmas, which is supposed to be a time of giving and loving and peace.

    I'm not a religious person, and just sometimes when I read some posts, I can see why I chose not to be. There are some very un-Christian attitudes to be seen around here at times! What's wrong with a little compassion and Christian kindness? What about things like forgiveness, and helping those less fortunate than yourselves? This woman needs help, not condemnation!

    Why not compromise? Buy her a gift, wrap it as prettily as you wrap all the others. Invite her to your home for a given time - say, 2 hours over lunch, so that she can spend time with her son. Let the child give the gift. Make it clear that her time is limited, if you must. Be nice to her while she's there, for the sake of the child. Set the child an example of good manners, hospitality and tolerance - even if it's only for a short time.

    If you haven't got it in you to do that, perhaps arrange a meeting in a public place - a restaurant, maybe - so that she can have time with the boy, and he can give her a gift. Perhaps she'll have a little something for him as well. You never know. It doesn't have to be Christmas Day, but surely an hour or two out of your day for the daughter you're supposed to love, and for her child, isn't too much to give.
     
  16. Pony

    Pony Well-Known Member Supporter

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    This woman needs help, not enabling. Her child needs consistency and safe boundaries.

    Sometimes, the kindest thing to do is the hardest thing to do.

    Culpeper, you often make comments about "Christian kindness" while criticizing Christian behavior, but I don't think you know much about Christianity -- or about addictions, for that matter.

    No one has condemned this pathetic young woman. We have said that she needs to be held accountable for her actions, and that enabling is only making things worse.

    Forgiveness does not mean that you let someone continually engage in hurtful and damaging behaviors. It is not loving to allow others to be hurt by someone, nor to allow someone to hurt themselves.

    To enable and allow the woman to avoid the consequences of her behavior is the most unkind, unloving, and damaging thing one could do.

    Pony!
     
  17. Burbsteader

    Burbsteader Well-Known Member

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    She lost any 'rights' when she lost custody.
    I've seen (and lived through) damage caused by unfit parents. Until the dd is making better choices about her life, the child is better off without her influence.
    After years of working in daycare that dealt with mainly broken homes, I can tell you the behavior problems that stem from these sorts of issues are awful.

    If you choose to avoid a religion, why do you throw accusations of not being religious enough at others?
    They are not condemning her, they are pointing out rightfully that enabling is not going to help anyone. It only creates a vicious cycle.

    Hill Crest Farm's responsibility is to the little child, not the one who is acting like a child.

    Good luck HCF. These are never easy.
     
  18. knight88

    knight88 Well-Known Member

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    There is an organization called "Tough Love" try to find them either online or in the phonebook. Follow their precepts it will help both you and DD. It is rough BUT, it does work. My prayers are with you Andy
     
  19. MarleneS

    MarleneS Well-Known Member

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    I'm really feeling sorry for the 19 year old, a dysfunctional mother, an over indulging non-life teaching grandmother, a somewhat not on the scene father, and a confused father's next wife, and now a son who is no longer her own. Some examples she has had. She's out there looking for the things she should have gotten before age three and it all likelihood she always will be.

    I think you all need professional help the sooner the better.


    Marlene
     
  20. cricket

    cricket Well-Known Member

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    On purpose I haven't read the responses here because I lived through very similar circumstances. Our DD didn't have a child at that time however, I had 2 little ones to contend with of my own. Our biggest rule was to never bring it into the house (I got both of the older kids after they already had problems) and I came home to scales on my kitchen counter, her "friends" in my house, and my 2 little ones that she was supposed to be babysitting locked in their room. Yep, I hit the ceiling! Big time! My reaction was much like your dh's...you have an hour to pack and get out. I used MUCH more colorful language though...And you could have heard me across state lines... Dh backed me and as a result, today we have a lovely relationship with a very clean young lady and her son. Tough love is very hard but is sometimes very neccassary. (I know I can't spell...) Yes, this holiday is going to be rough and you will have a broken heart. And you will have that broken heart for a long, long time. Get yourself a present and get some counseling. If you don't have Tough Love groups where you are, check out Al-Anon. I know this isn't exactly what they're there for, but the philosophy is very similar. It does help you cope and deal with what happened. It will also help the siblings deal with it. Just because they're into sports, etc doesn't mean they won't be angry or confused or whatever...And that can lead to unhealthy life choices later without them knowing why. My thoughts are with you in this...