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Zone 7B
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Discussion Starter #1
We have a DS19 who is attending classes to get his GED (evening classes) (he failed in PS two years straight - which is why he's behind) He suffers severe ADHD and is socially immature but even on meds has a habit of being a major distraction - and is quite proficient at pushing my buttons every time he opens his mouth!!

We home school year round and I have a 4 yo in addition to a 17LD child and a 10 yo... we live in a very small apt at the moment and the TV is about 15 ft from our "classroom" - He likes to sit and watch TV and listen to music while we are doing school (no-he can't do these in his room) It was too much for any of us.. (except him who didn't see problem!!)

So, DH and I decided that DS19 (who is not working while attending school - due to his ADHD) would leave EVERY DAY from the hours 1-9 on school days (T/W/TH) and 11-6 on NON school days (F/SA) --- Sundays and Mondays are his "days off" and he is welcome to stay home)---- One his "OUT" days, he is free to do whatever he wants... go to the library, go to the college and use their computers, go fishing, play ball in the park, go hiking, walking, swimming at the Y, etc.... the city is at his disposal.... (We furnish a monthly bus pass for him to do these things and encourage him to try new things!!!) He originally agreed to this idea but after 6 weeks of it (summer term)- he has had second thoughts.....

Now that school is out for 6 weeks and his "friends" from class aren't at the college every day... he's complaining that I "kick him out" daily.... that its not fair that he "has to leave" every day....He should get to be home every day like any other normal person -- that I'm being unreasonable... that I'm being a witch..... If I loved him, I would let him stay home.... DH wants to "kick him out permanently" some days!!

However, If he was under foot every day all day long, I would LOSE my mind.... some of my worst anxiety seems to be triggered by HIM!!! (after 48 hours of NO anxiety (while he was away from home), I can see now that he is definitely a trigger!)

So am I being unreasonable to make him leave our home for about 6-8 hours a day (since he isn't "working") so I can homeschool and get my chores done without all of the distractions and anxiety that he brings???? I need time AWAY from him and I need quality time with my other children!!

On a side note: Our goal is that as soon as he gets his GED, he has 30 days to get a FT job.... and another 30 days to get his own place!!! We anticipate his move out date as Jan. 1 or so....(he'll have turned 20 by then) with no chance of staying any longer or failing and moving back in!
 

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He should get a job. Turning him loose with nothing to do is asking for trouble.
 

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Well, it seems a little strenuous, but after riding in a car for two days with a 4-year-old talking nonstop, I can understand the need for time apart! (he asked if he could so stay with grandma for awhile when we got home and his daddy's answer was YES! Until you turn 5!) Maybe he's just running out of "fun" things to do?

Could he possibly handle a job that's only say, two days a week - about 12 hours a week or so? Maybe that would solve the problem altogether - if he had a little money in his pocket perhaps he could find new things to entertain himself? Not bad things, but maybe going to the movies or having a burger with his friends if they're still in town?
 

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Zone 7B
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Discussion Starter #5
A job is out of the question - we have tried that for the last 3 years and it has done nothing but complicate his education.... He has held 4 jobs in 3 years and did about a total of 9 months of GED studies in those 3 years!!! DS always used the excuse "I can't move out - I haven't gotten my GED!" and "I can't get my GED because i have a job!" so DH gave him a ultimatium 8 weeks ago and said "either go to school and then get a job or get a job now and move out now!"

He does have pocket money.... he does things for his grandparents, and we pay him for EXTRA chores he does... (when he does them) ---- so he's NOT broke... and he's not hurting for anything he needs.....

but he can't work and do school... it just doesn't work...

He DOES volunteer 8 hours a week for the Parks department - he could volunteer more if he so wanted... but he doesn't....
 

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Tell him he has 3 choices:

1. tool around the city and enjoy himself

2. stay in his room with NO noise

3. Grow up and move out
 

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Tami,
When I had a similar situation years ago with my son, he topped your son's comments by adding: 'What if I DIE?' That really made me feel guilty, as he's a diabetic. He didn't die, he spent the nights in an ice cream shop owned by a Korean woman in Hawaii. She called me to tell me what a wonderful person he was, and see if I would take him back home. Eventually, after several years, he finished school, now is married, has a wonderful wife, job and has turned into a fine young man. There is hope! Just maybe tell him WHY he can't hang around watching TV, give him some responsibility at home, perhaps. Like helping with homeschooling the other children? If he feels valued, he might shape up. Some just take longer than others. I hope your son will find the right track, stop making you crazy, and that your family will all be comfortable with him staying home, if that works out. Inside, he's still a little kid, just not mature yet. Jan in Co
 

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I work in an emergency shelter full of families and single women. They all every single one of them has to be gone from 8 am to 4 pm. If they can do it with small kids, he can do it Also are you sure his meds are working? He should be able to settle down and work and study. Maybe a counselor(sp) also. I made that a condition of my son's living at home. His adhad was also bipolar and his new meds make him able to work and live on his own for the first time in years.
 

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Ah well, if you've been down that road, sounds like it's best not to go there again!

I don't have much more advice other than to say "good luck!".

Hmm - you could tell him that he's welcome to be at the house, but he'd better be cooking or cleaning something or teaching kids while he's there!
 

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Two words, Tami: Military. School.

In answer to your initial question, though, no, you are NOT being unreasonable OR unfair -- HE, however, *IS* being manipulative, or at least attempting it.

Good luck with this -- I don't envy you in the least.
 

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"I can't get my GED because i have a job!"

And you let him get away with that statement. :shrug:
 

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If he can be gone 8 hrs doing fun things and still do his school work, I am not understanding why he can be gone 8 hrs working. I would not have a grown man in my house not working, but that's just me. ADHA or not, he's going to have to learn to manage or he'll be sitting on you forever. An idle mind is the devil's workshop and busy hands are in service to God. Sounds like some of the ADD is plain old BAD. Get a job, get your GED and get out by x date.
 

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I would offer him the chance to stay home with the stipulations of NO TV, and he will either have his nose in his GED study books with a walkman for music, doing housework or helping with school. If he can't do that, then he needs to not be there.

He will never grow up if he's allowed to be an irresponsible little kid. If he wants to be treated like a "normal" person, he has to act like one, too. The world will not cater to him because he is special.
 

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Just get rid of the television until he moves out. That will make him want to get up and out of the house to DO SOMETHING during the day!
 

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Part of growing up is learning how to entertain oneself; what to do with leisure time. If he's bored he can volunteer somewhere. His boredom is not your problem, and when he whines about your ineptness as a parent, remind him that he's welcome to hit the concrete and find another place to live.

He knows life skills, right? He should be doing his own laundry, making his own lunch, taking turns at making dinner, and doing the grocery shopping.
 

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Zone 7B
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Discussion Starter #17
Rose said:
"I can't get my GED because i have a job!"

And you let him get away with that statement. :shrug:

No, I didn't LET him get away with that statement.... I have argued and fought about school for the last three years... EVERYDAY!!! Until I can't see straight and I am sick of it! how much fighting can one do???? It has been "heck" trying to make him understand he needs to get an education.... he spent 3 years trying to convince himself that he COULD get a good job without it.... now he knows better... and now that he knows, he understands that school has to come first.... He just can't do both at this point in time....

In all fairness, when DH was unemployed, he helped out a great deal!! We were able to depend on him through one of the hardest times we have ever had! THATS WHAT FAMILIES DO!! Thats why DH and I said it was now time for him to take this time out and we'd help with expenses while he did school.... no pressure of a job to complicate things!)

I wish we had something here for him to do to burn off energy- i wish we lived on the farm where I had projects coming out of my ears for him to work on.... I wish we had a yard that I could send him out to mow...plant flowers... etc... THERES NOTHING HERE TO DO as far as chores for him because we live in an apartment complex... a very small one.... Chores inside are handled.... We live in 400 sq ft downstairs while dad sleeps upstairs everyday! Its like we are sitting on top of one another here!

Sending him out for the day (with the city as his oyster - everything open and free to explore using the bus system) is better than the alternative of letting him run around with the wrong crowd at night (BTDT in KS last summer)... He at least is home every nite for dinner except on school nites - (our reasoning was if he was gone all day, he would be less apt to go out at night, and so far that has held true - he is home every night at 9 pm and rarely WANTS to go out in the evenings with anyone --- he prefers afternoon dates with girls.....

For those who criticized our parenting or LACK of parenting..... try walking a day in the life of a child with severe ADHD.... its a whole nother world!! Nothing is what you think, see or say...

For those who offered advice and actually ANSWERED my question rather than condemn... thanks! I will take it all to heart and pray on it...

I like the idea of asking him to help with school.... teaching perhaps a class or so ... spelling would be good.... and maybe an art class..... and if he would consider it, maybe teaching a bit of preschool.... He loves teaching her things!

We've made it this far... we'll finish the race.....

I was venting and should have remembered to post that in the title... :(
 

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Living in the Hills
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I agree with some of the others, if he can't be home (and he shouldn't be home) and isn't in school, then he should be working. Wandering the streets for hours a day is not productive and could lead to trouble. He needs to learn to do school AND work. But as to your original question, no you are not being unreasonable or unfair, he is 19 and should not be spending his day disrupting yours.
 

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I wouldn't argue with him. Its you and dh paying the rent, that means its YOUR place. He's there by your grace. So its simply your way or the highway. Either do as I say or move out, find your own place then you can do it your way.

His education or lack thereof is obviously not bothering him. You want him to get a GED (naturally), but he could care less. Maybe its time for him to work flipping burgers for awhile so that he can appreciate getting his GED. Disability aside he's 19. He's an adult but he's still acting like a 13 yo and probably will continue to do so as long as he's living with mom and dad.

We did a course of study with teenage foster kids as they were aging out of the system on independent living. That might be something he could be studying and working on while you're working with the other kids.
 

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Nohoa Homestead
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texastami said:
We have a DS19 who is attending classes to get his GED (evening classes) (he failed in PS two years straight - which is why he's behind) He suffers severe ADHD and is socially immature but even on meds has a habit of being a major distraction - and is quite proficient at pushing my buttons every time he opens his mouth!!

We home school year round and I have a 4 yo in addition to a 17LD child and a 10 yo... we live in a very small apt at the moment and the TV is about 15 ft from our "classroom" - He likes to sit and watch TV and listen to music while we are doing school (no-he can't do these in his room) It was too much for any of us.. (except him who didn't see problem!!)

So, DH and I decided that DS19 (who is not working while attending school - due to his ADHD) would leave EVERY DAY from the hours 1-9 on school days (T/W/TH) and 11-6 on NON school days (F/SA) --- Sundays and Mondays are his "days off" and he is welcome to stay home)---- One his "OUT" days, he is free to do whatever he wants... go to the library, go to the college and use their computers, go fishing, play ball in the park, go hiking, walking, swimming at the Y, etc.... the city is at his disposal.... (We furnish a monthly bus pass for him to do these things and encourage him to try new things!!!) He originally agreed to this idea but after 6 weeks of it (summer term)- he has had second thoughts.....

Now that school is out for 6 weeks and his "friends" from class aren't at the college every day... he's complaining that I "kick him out" daily.... that its not fair that he "has to leave" every day....He should get to be home every day like any other normal person -- that I'm being unreasonable... that I'm being a witch..... If I loved him, I would let him stay home.... DH wants to "kick him out permanently" some days!!

However, If he was under foot every day all day long, I would LOSE my mind.... some of my worst anxiety seems to be triggered by HIM!!! (after 48 hours of NO anxiety (while he was away from home), I can see now that he is definitely a trigger!)

So am I being unreasonable to make him leave our home for about 6-8 hours a day (since he isn't "working") so I can homeschool and get my chores done without all of the distractions and anxiety that he brings???? I need time AWAY from him and I need quality time with my other children!!

On a side note: Our goal is that as soon as he gets his GED, he has 30 days to get a FT job.... and another 30 days to get his own place!!! We anticipate his move out date as Jan. 1 or so....(he'll have turned 20 by then) with no chance of staying any longer or failing and moving back in!
It seems unfair to me. I realize that your house is small and that he is a distraction, but my feelings are that it is his house just as much as it is everybody elses house. Could you try giving him a chance to not be distracting and tell him that he can stay home as long as he is quiet and not a bother, but the minute that he causes a problem, he has to leave? That way he at least has a chance to try to be quiet and unobtrusive. It might be a helpful learning experience for him. Do you think?

donsgal
 
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