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Discussion Starter #1
An Art Thief

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:


(brace yourself)


(this is going to hurt.)


(really bad.)


"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
 

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USMC can't fix stupid(s)
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string walks into a bar

bartender says " we dont serve strings here you have to leave"

string leaves

comes back next day, bartender makes him leave, we dont serve strings here

string goes and ties himself in the middle and bushes up his ends

comes back

bartender says hey arent you that string

string...NO Im A Frayed KNOT.....
 

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USMC can't fix stupid(s)
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i swiped that previous post/joke from somebody on here.. please forgive, but it was a keeper!
another, and i'll butcher it, but here goes....
"a family of olives were dancing around a martini glass... one fell in, the rest of the family cried out... the one who fell in said...

"olive".... (i'll live...... get it?)
:rotfl:
sorry for the butcher job.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorum does this illustrate?

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Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

(you nearly have to say it outloud AND be a math person!)
the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides
but it doesnt work as stated.....300x300 doesnt = 130x130 + 170x170....aw nevermind!
 

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USMC can't fix stupid(s)
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a family of tomatoes were going for a walk..

poppa tomato kept telling the baby tomatoes to keep in step.

one got squished...

he said.....

ketchup!
:rotfl:
(i butchered that one too)
 

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USMC can't fix stupid(s)
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knock, knock...

who's there?

centipede...

centipede who?

centipede on the Christmas tree!!

(first 'knock-knock' joke i remember, about 4 yrs old and i thought it was hysterically funny and a bit risque`....LOL)

anybody know "silly sally" jokes?

silly sally was walking down the alley,
a man grabbed her and put his hand down her shirt...
silly sally just laughed and laughed....
she knew her money was in her shoe...
:rotfl:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Edayna~ my son is 2 1/2 and is just starting to talk enough that we can understand him.....he LOVES knock knock jokes and can tell that one....except we do "monster says" cause he likes to roar!!!!!!

he sounds like this:

cak cak

me: who's there?

monner A

me: monster says who (gotta be quick on this one or he skips ahead)

NOOOO, monner A RAHH
 

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Discussion Starter #11
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 

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Discussion Starter #12
EuroEnglish
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": -- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.


ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
 

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I saw a contest with a large cash prize for the best pun. I entered 10 puns, hoping one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did. :p

Puns may be the lowest form of humor,
But poetry is verse! :p

--sgl
(from an entire family of punsters)
 

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Weapons of Math Instruction

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like x and y and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
 

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These are from my 4 year old grandson:

What kind of telephone does a turtle use?
A shellphone.

How does an angel answer the phone?
Halo.

What kind of shoes does a mouse wear?
Squeakers.
 

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My husband has been telling the kids corny animal jokes. The last one was - Why do elephants have wrinkles? My six year old replied - because it is a mommy elephant. Ouch! :) (Real answer - Have you ever tried to iron an elephant?)
 

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A woman was driving down a road in Arizona when she saw an elderly Native woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped and asked if she wanted a ride, and the old woman climbed up into the cab of her pickup truck.

After a few miles, the old woman looked down at a paper bag on the seat between them and asked "what's in the bag?" The driver said "it's a bottle of wine I got for my husband." The old woman nodded approvingly and said "good trade!"

:dance:
 

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I am hopeless as a joke teller, but here is one dd told me, you said you like corny :)

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?


Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
 

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A friend of mine works in a nursing home & she's got a couple of ladies who love jokes. I'm going to pass these on to her. Thanks!
 
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