affair

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by Speciallady, Jan 3, 2007.

  1. Speciallady

    Speciallady Well-Known Member

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    How do you handle it when your significant other is having an emotional affair?
     
  2. moopups

    moopups In Remembrance

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    First of all - define whether its emotional or physical. There is a big difference, then decide what is acceptable to yourself. Once you have clear definition, then you can make rational decisions.

    Clear definitions is the key to your further actions. Where do you want to take it? Do you lack in either area? Is there a need for you to change?
     

  3. willow_girl

    willow_girl Very Dairy

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    Is he willing to see a counselor with you?

    If he is willing to work on your relationship, there is hope.

    If he's not, well ,,,,,,,,,,.
     
  4. MarleneS

    MarleneS Well-Known Member

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    Ask yourself which word are you paying more attention to "emotional" or "affair" and go from there. If it's emotional, you might be more willing to begin the process of why he stepped outside your relationship for something he had or should have in it. If it's affair, you might as well start dealing with the reality that your heart is hurting just as much as it would be if it was taken to that next level.

    Too bad the consequences of a few minutes of indiscression can not last an equal length of time.

    Good luck to you,
    Marlene
     
  5. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I'm imagining what I'd do and feel if it were my DH. First rat, I'd take myself away from the hurt. (Oh, privately I'll rant and rave and cry and hit a pillow and cuss!).

    Then he'd get a choice....our relationship or theirs...no in-between. One or the other and "don't let the door hit you,etc.".
     
  6. NCGirl

    NCGirl Well-Known Member

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    This probably isn't very helpful to you, but you asked what I would do.

    It would be the end of our relationship, I have zero tolerence for infidelity, emotional or physical.
     
  7. Jillis

    Jillis Well-Known Member

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    Just reading that sentence got my adrenline going---I've been there and done that and it is infuriating in a very primal way.

    Sometimes people, men especially, choose not to get their emotional closeness needs from their significant relationship because they fear true intimacy and choose to keep some "safe" distance from the one they should be closest too. They will speak in an intimate, sharing and encouraging way to those they shouldn't, giving what is their spouse or SO's due to someone whose it isn't.

    It also usually signifies some physical chemistry is going on which may eventually lead to a physical as well as emotional adultery.

    Some people engage in this behavior because they fear that total emotional and physical dependency (also called "oneness" in marriage) means that the person they need so completely (whom, if married, they are supposed to need so completely) has control over them. It is a way of saying, don't think I need you to be happy or to live---I am attracted to others who are attracted to me so I could live without you if I had to, so don't get too demanding, or complacent, or secure.

    All this is usually subconscious. But it is there.

    If I could have gotten my hands on one lady in particular, she would have been bald and beat up very badly. And sometimes the emotional adultery can be even more upsetting than physical, given that a lot of men have no problem with casual sex while being emotionally attached to one lady in particular as gf or wife. But the friendship and affection that most women crave beyond sex in a relationship---to give that to another! :flame:

    I would make my feelings on this extremely plain (you can read whatever you want to in this---this quiet little mouse developed quite a roar in this situation!) and ultimatums would be issued. I had to do this once and it worked.

    Oh yeah.
     
  8. Meg Z

    Meg Z winding down

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    I'd leave. I would actually have more tolerance for a physical affair than I would an emotional one.

    Meg
     
  9. titansrunfarm

    titansrunfarm The Awesome PT & Friends

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    I agree with NC girl on this one 100%.
     
  10. big rockpile

    big rockpile If I need a Shelter

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    Whats he doing Girl? We're just friends,I don't want her like that,You have your friends,She is just a friend it don't matter that she is a woman.

    Girl he is a Man,if he gets the chance there will be more.And you know this.I've fed my DW these lines of Bull,and he is no different.

    The only thing you can do is talk it over with him.Tell him you Guys are Married and you won't put up with this,and you don't exspect him to put up with it.

    If I know you,you have been hollering at him.Keep calm tell him to quit or he is out the door.Should put a stop to it,all depends on how serious he is and what you mean to him.

    big rockpile
     
  11. Pony

    Pony Well-Known Member Supporter

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    A book that is very helpful in this situation is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It helps you identify what your bottom line is and how you will maintain it. It puts the responsibility for the affair squarely where it belongs: on the shoulders of the one who is stealing from your relationship and giving what is rightfully yours to someone else.

    Emotional or physical, it's an affair, period. You are being robbed, your marriage is being undermined, your spouse is being unfaithful.

    I don't know if you are writing about your own situation, Speciallady, or if it's someone else, but my heart goes out to those who have unfaithful spouses. Been there, done that, and it's absolute misery.

    Pony!
     
  12. moonwolf

    moonwolf Well-Known Member

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    my ex had an very emotional attatchment and affair with someone else outside of our marriage, so she is no longer my spouse. People choose what they do. The SO obviously seems to be choosing the affair over the marriage. If it's emotional, and they are meeting, it's likely physical also.
     
  13. the mama

    the mama loves all critters Supporter

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    lots of ideas here. I have found myself having feelings for those I worked closely with. But I have always been true to my husband.
    Do you know this girl? Invite her over for dinner, and ask her to bring a date. Make sure she knows that YOUR husband has a loving wife. Let her know that YOUR husband has no need for a best friend or companion. Girl talk about "he can be sooo silly sometimes, etc". I just love his little boy expression when he is trying to get out of xxxxxxxxx situation. Casually mention your feelings about husband stealing hussies and their need for wigs and plastic surgery.
    Be sure to show 'ownership' by suttle touches, quick hugs and stand at door with your arm around him to say goodbye.
    She should get the hint.
    If she is warned off, then this becomes like a movie star infatuation. Lusting after something as an ideal, not obtainable. Then you may want to change your hairstyle/color to become more attractive to your husband.
    Good luck, don't just give it up. Fight if he is worth keeping. All men have attractions and infatuations but not all act on them.
     
  14. Jen H

    Jen H Well-Known Member

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    This is what I'd do, and I'd mean every single word of it. He stops all contact or we're done.
     
  15. Quiver0f10

    Quiver0f10 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry, but as someone who has lived this, it is NOT different. It hurt just as much and years later, it still is hard to trust.

    I agree she needs to decide what she wants to do and go from there. Its time for a sit down and have a good long talk. Is he willing to end the relationship? Is he willing to work on WHY he turned to someone else? Is SHE ready to work on why he felt he had to turn to someone else?

    Its not easy and you will be in my thoughts.
     
  16. cowboyracer43

    cowboyracer43 Well-Known Member

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    There is nothing significant about that particular "other." Didn't we used to call that "shacking up?" If one is unwilling to make a commitment, there is no relationship. The questions, in order, are: Will you go on a date with me? Will you go steady with me? Will you wear this diamond, marry me and honor that commitment? I do not know where to put "Will you shack up with me?" or, "will you be my significant other?" Sorry. Not much pizzazz to "significant other," imho.
     
  17. NWMO

    NWMO Well-Known Member

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    Okay, my wife would think I am too emotionally attached to this website! It cuts into the time I spend with her and family......you provide very little detail on the "emotional" affair......I don't want the details, but I caution you to look at things openly and honestly before you act in any way/shape/form.
     
  18. jynxt

    jynxt Well-Known Member

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    I have also "been there, done that" and I am sorry for the pain that anyone feels while this kind of thing is happening in your life. Personally I chose to heal my poor dying marriage rather than take the axe to it once and for all. Having been through one divorce early in life taught me that signing the papers doesn't stop the pain...even in non married relationships, the pain goes on long after the offending party is "out the door".

    What you must do is decide what kind of relationship you want to have and how committed you are to that relationship. Since I'm a very "all or nothing" kind of person I tend to want to fix what's broken instead of causing more broken in terms of feelings, relationships etc. If you love this person, then I would try to fix what is broken rather than finish breaking it. Yup, it will hurt (healing always does) and yes, it will be frustrating and irritating and most likely you will have to confront and change some things about yourself first (doesn't sound fair but it's still true) and NO, you shouldn't *have* to do this or go through this but if you allow yourself to go into a victim mode and change your life based on that you have given up just as much of yourself as you would have if you had stayed and tried to make this better.

    I'm not saying that this is your fault or that you are the cause of what has been going on, but if you really really want to win this person back then you will have to change how to play your hand. This "other woman" is your competitor, your enemy so to speak (don't go fight it out with her that only cheapens you).Show up in front of her to bring your sweetie some homemade cookies or lunch or a special gift with nothing but beautiful smiles and sweetness oozing from every pore....OUTCLASS THAT WENCH!! If you feel you must confront her do so only in a manner that will show her clearly that you are truly her superior, not a physical brute or a shreiking hysterical pile of self pity....and definitely NOT in any way that is public or that would bring your man any kind of humiliation (no matter how much he deserves it). Your negative responses are not going to change him...you can't pressure him into loving you...you can't be pitiful enough to force him to want to change.

    He is going to love what is lovely to him....what was it that made him fall for you in the first place? How often does he see that now? Use those feminine wiles to win him back!! Flirt with him, tease him, giggle at him! I know you would really deep down like to tie a noose and hang him. Part of me would love to stand there and cheer you on....but that won't fix this.

    Two books that helped me were "His Needs/Her Needs", I read it dh didn't but it still helped a lot. I also read "Created to be His Help Meet" and still re read it regularly.....http://www.createdtobehishelpmeet.org/

    To quote Mrs. Pearl "A woman holds her man with the fragile threads of adoration, thankfulness, delight and just plain fun. He needs to hear gladness and appreciation in your voice when you speak to him, even when you are talking of everyday things. He needs this as much as, or perhaps more than sexual release. So knock the chip off your shoulder and fight for what is yours. The tool of your warfare is your loving, kind, delightful, radiant, adoring self."

    I hope that this works out for you ....however you should choose to handle it. I would decide what I wanted and how important it was to me and act on that NOW...before what is an emotional affair goes further (as happened in my case) and is only more painful to deal with.

    I can tell you that what is broken in a relationship when an affair is involved can be healed and that the results are wonderful! My dh and I are closer and more in love now than we ever have been. I will never be glad that the affair happened but I can clearly see why it did now and use that knowledge to protect what is mine!
     
  19. momofmany

    momofmany Dayenu farms

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    I have been there also, If I had left, it would have meant I missed out on the best thing in my life. I loved my husband through it, we worked at it together. It wasn't always easy, but he is an amazing man now. He is loving and attentive, I am blessed each day by him. He was clearly in the wrong, but I used the experience to find ways that I could grow and improve my self as well. Believe it or not, the experience also showed me where I was placing my sense of worth. It was in his opinion of me. I began to see my worth lies in what G-d thinks of me, and I believe He just absolutely adores me :) The experience has made me a very confident woman, and I am not afraid to let my husband know he has a beautiful, wonderful woman in me. There were some times that he slipped in his recovery, but I was able to over look them, and love him with out conditions which is exactly what he needed, because I knew they were not do to anything I could do wrong.

    I guess if I were you and my husband were willing to work through it, I would not hesitate to stay.


    Edit to say: I was typing while the above was being written, so I had no idea it would say so much of the same :)
     
  20. Tracy Rimmer

    Tracy Rimmer CF, Classroom & Books Mod Supporter

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    Are you sure that what you think is going on is actually going on? How do you know?

    My DH works in a business environment with a LOT of women. Some are, to put it mildly, knockouts. In nearly twenty years, I can think of TWO who had actual PLANS for him, and he was completely oblivious to what was going on. He worked with them every day... and it took me ONE visit to their office to recognize it, and quietly take the lady in question aside and tell her that her hunting would probably be more productive, and in the long run, less painful and expensive, if she concentrated her efforts in a different direction.

    However, in that time, my DH *has* had several friendships. Why would I object to him being friendly with people he works with, male or female? He also has a friend from high school, from before we were together, who is female. She's my friend, too -- as a matter of fact, she's the one who knocked our heads together and told us we should be together all those years ago.

    On the other hand, if he's going out with this woman in the evening, spending time "watching the game" at her house without you, buying her gifts that are NOT from the both of you -- well, that's something else altogether. Just be aware that it is very possible for a man to have a friend who is a woman WITHOUT there being anything nefarious about it.

    I apologise if this is not the case, but true friendship is such a precious thing, and I feel strongly that men and women can be platonic friends.