Advice needed.........

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by QBVII, Nov 9, 2006.

  1. QBVII

    QBVII Well-Known Member

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    Advice needed!

    We've been back here almost 6 months. The kids are both constantly talking about Tucson and wanting to go back there!
    It's not like I'm sitting around talking about it.
    The only thing I've been talking about is homeschooling.
    And they are all for that, but they continually talk about Tucson and the friends they made there.
    My daughter is not that attached to her Dad (big surprise there), and now my son is even talking about wanting to go back.
    What do you think is going on???
    We have no family out there at all but it seems like they are more attached to their friends than their "family," such as it is......I also wonder if our lives have been so fast-paced with all the moving and everything, that being "settled" feels odd to them?
    I don't know!
    Thoughts?
     
  2. Snowdancer

    Snowdancer Well-Known Member

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    Is there some court ruling that the kids have to be near their father? :shrug:

    If you're also missing Tuscon and there is work out there & if no one is happy in your present location why stay? That's not meant to be rude or disrespectful but life is too short to stay where there's no joy if everyone wants to be somewhere else. ;)

    Have the children spent most of their life away from their Dad, if they have then I would guess they have more emotional investments in their friends than in their father-that's not taking anything away from him as a father, it's just kids seem to bond with who they see frequently. :)

    Best of Luck
     

  3. Country Lady

    Country Lady Well-Known Member Supporter

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    We've made several major moves in our lives. It seems our good memories are magnified after moving. As it's been said, we can never go back. Time changes things and people. I found that it would take our family about two years to adjust to moving to a new place. This is just something to think about.
     
  4. MarleneS

    MarleneS Well-Known Member

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    Six months isn't a very long time relative to how long they were in Tucson right? It likely does not seem to it to them, but over time they shall make new friends, and their new home will feel more and more normal. I would not discount their feelings, concerning being homesick and missing friends be supportive and let them know you know they are hurting, let them make as many phone calls as you can afford, keep their old friendships going until they are more secure with the new ones :) You are a great mom, and over time they will thank you for it :)

    Hugs
    Marlene
     
  5. QBVII

    QBVII Well-Known Member

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    We were there 7 months.
    I do allow them to call and use the internet to stay in touch.
    It seems the longer they are away, the more they miss them.
    I just want them to be happy.....my husband thinks I should be firm about "no we're NOT moving back to Tucson," and I understand why he says that; but OTOH, I don't want to step on something that may be a "dream," at least to them.
    I want my children to know life is full of opportunities and possibilities and options. I don't want to squash a dream for them.
    Or am I reading too much into this?
    I just don't believe we could move back out there without my son wanting to come back --- it was only a couple of weeks ago he was telling me he wants to move to where his Dad lives to be closer to him!
    Now he's saying he could live in Tucson, and come back to visit him in the summers.
    I just don't think he's thought it through...of course, he is only 9 years old!
     
  6. Jan Doling

    Jan Doling Well-Known Member

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    Most people start to feel homesick for the previous place within about 6 months. Friends of mine gave in to it and moved back to Mass., then remembered why they had left in the first place and returned to Florida! Wait until next summer and visit; they may be only remembering the good parts or may have made friends in the new location by then.
     
  7. cindyc

    cindyc Well-Known Member

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    There is a name for what your kids may be dealing with, and even a curve graph of it, but both elude me at the moment, sorry. It relates to culture shock, too, but really any new life situation... new job, new home, ect... First your feelings about a new situation elevate it above reality... It feels better than it actually IS. Everything is NEW and COOL! Then when reality hits, you start to come down from that feeling... Pretty soon, not only is it not GREAT (in your mind) it is pretty darn awful! Then your assessment of the situation is that it is WORSE than it actually is! Everything STINKS, basically. Most people jump and run at that point. You know people who jump from job to job, or place to place, just over this type of thing. It becomes an unhealthy life pattern. BUT, if you can hang on a bit longer, reality, and your own feelings about what you are experiencing meet in the middle. You are neither elated, nor deflated about the new situation. Your feet are planted firmly on the ground. At that point you begin to enjoy what IS for what it is. That usually takes at least a year.
    Anyway, this is a useful peice of information to give kids in transition. So when "it stinks" you can remind them that it probably doesn't, and it will start to be enjoyable, if they can weather the transition they are in.
    I hope I made that understandable. I guess I am saying it may be too soon for them to know if this is going to work out, and maybe they need to know that? They haven't had time to make a lot of friends to replace the old ones yet after all...
    Hope that helps,
    Cindyc.

    Cindy.
     
  8. Ann-NWIowa

    Ann-NWIowa Well-Known Member Supporter

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    9 years old - I wouldn't pay much attention to what he wants. You know what's best and you get to decide. I would be kind and listen to what he has to say then gently remind him that 9 year olds don't get to decide parents do. I wouldn't let him think that you're considering moving back unless you are. I'd say things like maybe we can visit when schools out next summer. Also, if you and your dh are where you want to be that is important. Hopefully you two will be together for a lifetime and in 9 years the 9 year old will be 18 and GONE no matter where you live.
     
  9. mightybooboo

    mightybooboo Well-Known Member

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    They'll get over it.

    BooBoo
     
  10. Hammer4

    Hammer4 Well-Known Member

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    I assume you have valid adult type reasons for moving where you did. Explain those to your children, tell them the decision was made long ago, this is where you live now, get out and make some new friends and find some reasons to enjoy living where you live now.

    If it is their life long dream to live in Tuscon, they can move back there once they are of legal age, right?

    When we moved as a kid, it never even entered my mind that I had a vote in the matter, my folks said we are moving to this new place because of whatever reason, and that was it.

    If I thought at all about it and mentioned missing friends or what have you to my folks, they responded by pointing out there were lots of new friends to be made at the new place....

    So...my advice, you are the parent, set the direction, stand behind your decisions....

    Your kids will adjust in time and forget all about it, absence making the heart grow fonder, if they moved back they would find their 'best' friends have new 'best' friends anyhow and they would be outsiders, and would want to go right back where you are now shortly.....so just stay put and let them get used to it. Don't even let them think that their wishing to be back in Tuscon is having an effect on you or they will never let up about it...when they say 'I wish I was in Tuscon' say 'Tough, go play outside'. Haha.