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Ugh.
Got a call about twenty minutes ago from my father, who lives out of state; wanted to know if I wanted company, since they (he and whichever girlfirend of the moment) are apparently about an hour away. I suppose my reaction wasn't the "yippee-skippee" parade he wanted, so he snarled at me and hung up. Whatever. I then get a call from his mother... seems after hanging up, he promptly called her and yelled at her, making HER cry... I love my Grandma to pieces, and with age she's become a bit emotionally fragile, and he's always said such terrible things to her I just don't know. So now she's four hundred miles away, in tears, because of a situation she had nothing to do with and her own self-absorbed son caused. *big sigh, throwing up of hands*

I just don't get why he treats poeple this way, since I turned eighteen and moved out I've not put up with it, it's just not worth it to me to let him upset me and then DH has to deal with his drama too. HOW does someone get into their mid-forties and think screaming, cursing, and trying to guilt those who would never hurt them is okay? His brother would never dream of acting this way.

I've cut off all contact with him for several months before, suppose I need to do it again to get some peace, but then he'll take it out on Grandma (she can't really stand up for herself, just a sweet old lady who'd never hurt a fly). I wish Papa were still around, he'd have knocked his head off for talking to his mama that way. Her new husband is a gem, though. So anyway. :)

If you've made it through all that ramble, thank you; I do feel better.
 

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He probably does the yelling because he's never realized that it isn't all about him. Dunno why some folks are like that, but they are. Maybe it's a power thing? I'm sorry you're in the situation with him you are, but at least your Grandma has you to fall back on. I'll bet she felt a lot better after talking to you. :)

Jennifer
 

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Thanks... I'm a bit worried about her, she's turned off her phone (no prizes for guessing why). It's been a couple hours and he hasn't shown up, guess he isn't coming; is it awful of me to be glad? :help:
 

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Jen, I know it's not my business to make suggestions, but your father sounds so much like the way my father used to be that I am going to anyway.

You should tell your father he is being a (fill in the blank with word of choice but do not pull punches) and that he has deeply hurt your grandmother over and over again and that he is too old to act like a teenager and that everyone is sick of it. He sounds like he needs to be clobbered over the head with his own rudeness, and instead of avoiding him and thinking he will at some point figure things out on his own, throw it back in his face as hard as you can. That was what it took a few times before my jerk of a father quit being so hateful and snotty to people who only treated him with love. Now my father thinks before he says or does something stupid and hateful. At least most of the time he does. I did the same thing you did, moved out at age 18 just to get away from him. It has only been a few years since I started giving it back to my father the way he dished it out, and he's in his late 60's. If your father is in his mid 40's, don't wait. No reason you or your grammy or anyone else should put up with his crap. Sorry for the rant, but this one hits pretty close to home and I hate to hear of others going through the same treatment.
 

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Jen, go to the library or a medical bookstore and look for the DSM-IV ('dee ess em four') diagnostic manual for mental illness. Likely the man has either a personality disorder or a mood disorder. If you can figure out which one then it might help you figure out what kinds of tactics might work to control his behavior.

The book is used by physicians but I'd recommend it for anyone who has a family member that drives them nuts, and also for anyone who writes fiction as it is an excellent reference for creating skewed characters.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Yeah, you're probably right. You'd think he'd have figured it out, he can't keep a girlfriend, ior friend for that matter because he's just so selfish. Such an awful thing to say about one's own dad, but it's the truth. :(

Now I just have find my spine and tell him about it again. I hate when he gets this way, life's just too short, but oh my is he ever a manipulator. My fault for letting him get to me, I know... just wish he'd pull it together and act his age for once.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
suburbanite said:
Jen, go to the library or a medical bookstore and look for the DSM-IV ('dee ess em four') diagnostic manual for mental illness. Likely the man has either a personality disorder or a mood disorder. If you can figure out which one then it might help you figure out what kinds of tactics might work to control his behavior.
Oh, I'd not be shocked if something's going on there, he's really aggressive. He can just flip it on and off, though, so I dunno. Sometimes I think he's just plain mean.
 

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Hmmm sounds like you got it right in the thread title of "Adult brats". My DH's husband is very simular, never had a pot to pee in, deadbeat,throws little temper tantrums,etc. So sorry you& Grandma have to deal with this guy. All I can offer is 2 words of advice: Caller ID. Good luck.
 

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jen there is a small but non-zero possibility that he has a neurological disorder, such as 'frontal release syndrome'. Has he ever had a head injury or encephalitis?

Even for 'just plain mean' you'll find something in the DSM-IV. It's a fascinating book, though some sections you might need a medical dictionary on your knee if you're not already medically savvy.
 

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Jen -- get and read the books "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina Brown and "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

They will change everything -- trust me.

BTDT --

Tracy
 

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In the meantime, while you are trying to figure out if he is bi-polar or just plain mean, you could remind him that Elder Abuse is outlawed everywhere. If he doesn't leave youe Grangma alone, report him!! :grit:
 

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One more thought, please.... when you said you had to find the backbone to tell him he's being a jerk.... Jen, I realized something one day, and it hit me like a brick in the head... my father only had the power over me that I chose to give him. You have your own family, you don't depend on your father and he cannot control you, right? So don't worry about having spine because you already DO. He can only treat you the way you let him treat you. He only has whatever power you choose to give him. If you're afraid of him, then you have to realize that he cannot hurt you any further than you choose to let him hurt you.

When I realized this in it's fullness, it changed every way I thought of and related to my father. For once I was in control instead of being at the whim of his temper tantrums. Believe me, it changes everything when you fully, truly, and completely realize this.

Good luck, it's a terrible thing to have to deal with.
 
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