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Just heard that a good friend died peacefully in her sleep. Really, these days, we'd only see each other once or twice a year, but she was a wonderful friend. Quirky. Like her husband. I don't know how he will get on without her. What do I say to him? I never know what to say. (They aren't religious, though they are spiritual, so biblical stuff won't mean much.)
 

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Heart pain is the worst pain. and if you won't see him, you can call or send a card periodically. It seems after the fuss dies down, the remaining spouse can find themselves left out and grieving. Some quiet acknowledgement of their grief for the first 12 months can remind them they are not grieving alone and that the love of their life has not been forgotten.
 

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There are no magic words. Reach out in whatever way you can, so he knows you care.

There's always the formulaic "I'm sorry for your loss" opening.

If you can be around to help out with anything, offer that you're available and here's your contact info. You don't need to be specific at this time, he has a lot to process without thinking about the details.

Be seen at the public mourning events. He may or may not care about you individually being there, but sometimes it's just helpful to see the swell of support.

Give a follow-up call a week after the funeral, ask how he's doing and if he needs anything. People get mobbed with support right around the time of death and then all the relatives go home...
 

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I think it helps if you can think of something that the deceased did that meant an awful lot to you, or your family, mention it, and how much it meant.

Of all the people at DH's funeral, I treasure what one man told me that my husband did for him.

Mon
 

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Just letting the spouse know that you loved her, and that you care for him is the most important thing to share. The less words you use, the better. But show love and compassion. He will remember that forever.
 

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snoozy?i just went thru this ,in September I had my wife of 35yrs die in her sleep.no offense meant,but please don't say how will u survive/live without her! surviving spouse will be in shock-I still am.2nd phrase?is there anything u need?yeah bring my wife back/wake me up from this nightmare! 3rd-don't compare my spouses death with ur pets death(actually had this happen)-went in the funeral home bathroom and punched a wall. best in my mind-she will be missed. rant over.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
snoozy?i just went thru this ,in September I had my wife of 35yrs die in her sleep.no offense meant,but please don't say how will u survive/live without her! surviving spouse will be in shock-I still am.2nd phrase?is there anything u need?yeah bring my wife back/wake me up from this nightmare! 3rd-don't compare my spouses death with ur pets death(actually had this happen)-went in the funeral home bathroom and punched a wall. best in my mind-she will be missed. rant over.
Thanks for the straight talk. I didn't say anything like that. I just said I was so sorry, and what a wonderful friend she was, and that I was shocked and would miss her, and if there was anything we could do, just let us know.

And I'm sorry for your loss, too.
 

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Hard to say what to say, sometimes, IMO, a silent hug says volumes.
 

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Or the one that always gets me…"I know what you're going through."

No, you probably don't. Unless you've lost your spouse, in a similar manner, you probably don't have a clue.

Just be sad.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you hurt. My heart aches for you. I'll miss the way she ________.

I tend to send my condolence cards to a spouse and/or children a month or two after the funeral. I just want them to know I'm still thinking about them.
 

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I'm not very good with words, but I had a very close friend that died about 1 1/2 years ago. On the weeks of her birthday, their anniversary, his birthday and then the anniversary of her death I sent her husband cards - letting him know that although I miss Kathy I know that he misses her even more and that I am still praying for him. He told me recently that those cards have meant the most of anything that has been said or done for him.
Dawn
 

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snoozy?i just went thru this ,in September I had my wife of 35yrs die in her sleep.no offense meant,but please don't say how will u survive/live without her! surviving spouse will be in shock-I still am.2nd phrase?is there anything u need?yeah bring my wife back/wake me up from this nightmare! 3rd-don't compare my spouses death with ur pets death(actually had this happen)-went in the funeral home bathroom and punched a wall. best in my mind-she will be missed. rant over.
I am sorry for your loss.
 

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I got so tired of all the , " I am sorrys." I needed to hear how she was special to them, I needed to hear things about her... Yea, after the first 6 months, she was forgotten. We still needed to hear about her from others. I do nt send a sympathy card. I send thinking of you cards. I send them several times thru the year following a death. That is what "I" needed.
 
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