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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thanksgiving will be the first holiday since we lost my mom. She passed away on Sept. 16th. The kids and I talked about spending the day with my dad, but to my shock and dismay - he has "recently" started dating and will be spending the day with his new female friend! :( Anyway - the kids and I are planning on spending the day with some family friends who have kind of adopted us. (Their kids can't come home.) And I am thankful that we won't be alone for the day. But I am really dreading Christmas because I think I will be faced with the same problem.....Really wish I could just "skip" the next month or so and move on to January!
 

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Losing a loved one is always followed by a series of "firsts" which are especially hard on holidays. I believe what I would do is make one of your mom's favorite Thanksgiving dishes to share. On Christmas you may want to hang some of your mom's special ornaments or continue some of her traditions.

And I agree being alone on that day or any of the upcoming holidays isn't best. And just know that once you get past the "firsts" it will be easier the next holiday season. It likely won't ever go away and it shouldn't but she was your mom and you loved her and you will get through this.

I am praying that you can find joy and comfort during this season.
 

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Ouch! Been there with trying to adjust to new family dynamics. I didn't have the dating parent issue so I would imagine that certainly makes it more difficult, particularly when it hasn't been very long after losing your mom. Is there anything that was particularly close to her heart that you can do to honor her during the holiday season? For instance, maybe she had a soft spot for the homeless or needy. Maybe as a family you could donate to a pantry, work at a holiday dinner for the less fortunate. Maybe she loved animals and you could take a bag of dogfood and some old blankets or towels to the local shelter... something where you were taking an action in her honor.

Having such an abrupt change to your holiday traditions and the expectation of sharing that time with someone so dear to you takes time and I hope you can talk about it with each other and share your disappointment. Your mom would want you to go on and have the best time you could. Depending on the ages of your kids, maybe you can make a memory book of favorite times shared during the holidays with a story you each write and a photograph. It will be hard but you'll get through it and next year will be better. Sending a hug.
 

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I know how you feel. This is my 3rd without my mom. Tomorrow is her birthday and her and dads 52nd wedding anniversary. I still miss her and think about her all the time. It does get easier, though. I never thought it would.
 

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every holiday seems empty without our mom. She was definately the glue that held us all together. First everythings are the toughest. First birthday, first Thanksgiving, First Christmas, but the toughest is first Mothers' Day. Mine has been gone for just over 5 years, and I still think about her every day. She is sorely missed. You and yours are in my prayers, and I hope it gets easier for you.
 

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Grief–the only way around is through. I think it never leaves, it just becomes a part of you. Does time make it easier? I think no...just different.

I am a motherless daughter. It happened in a single moment. One moment I was a daughter with a mother, the next moment, a motherless daughter. In one moment I learned that a heart can truly shatter whilst yet one still breathes.

I am joyful, I am happy, I love and am loved…but I miss my mama.

Grief levels us. We go on, we do what’s necessary, we even find joy and laughter, but there remains always a shadow upon the heart.

“With my mother’s death, all settled happiness, all that was tranquil and reliable disappeared from my life. There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of joy; but not more of the old security. It was sea and islands now, the great continent had sunk like Atlantis.” — C.S. Lewis

Hugs to you, you will simply get through the days and you will find joy in your memories...

If ever you wish to talk to one who has been there n done that, please feel welcome to PM me anytime. (My dad dated n remarried...while good for him, it's certainly a challenge to adjust to!)

~~
 

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Been there!Down to the dating father. I feel for you and yours.You will make it through and will have to make new Holiday traditions. I think giving in your moms name is a great idea.We do every year we donate to ST JUDES in my moms name.My kids have kept up the tradition. Hugs to you and yours.
 

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How about Christmas eve instead of Christmas day?

I have heard it said that people who are happily married start dating sooner. (((HUGS)))
 

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It's rough.

You do have to go through it, though. Can't get away with dodging it, as that only makes it worse later.

I spent far too many years dreading the holidays. I'd brace myself sometime after Hallowe'en, and not unclench my heart until January 2nd.

That was a waste of time, and it took its toll on my health.

Go through your grief. Let yourself cry and beller and wallow in it for a season. Don't listen to people who tell you to "just get over it" because you never really will.

God be with you and yours as you travel through this sad season of grief. I promise, if you go through it, you will make it out the other side alive. {{{HUG}}}
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks everyone for your kind words. I really like the idea about starting something special in her memory! What a great idea and nice to have something else to focus on!

Honestly - even though I miss mom terribly, I am having some real issues with dad dating already. I mean, it has only been a little over 2 months. I realize every person grieves at their own pace - but it just seems a little fast for me.
 

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Our third holiday with out Daddy, he passed away on August 1, 2006...this thanksgiving will be hard as the first two, they all will be, his birthday is friday...my mothers birthday is today, we always celebrated thier birthdays on Thanksgiving day when all the family was together.
My prayers and thoughts will be with you
 

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Been there. My father starting dating 3 months after Mom passed and had marriage plans within 6. Let's just say that things did not go well - us blood kids were out of the picture and the new lady and her two kids were in.

For several years we didn't talk to Dad. About 10 years ago we did start talking again. Fast forward to now - 4 years ago the evil step-mother died, and just last week, Dad died. Mom's been gone for 19 years.

It will get easier, it just takes time. My advice would be to talk to your Dad about his dating so soon after Mom has passed. Let him know that you want him to be happy, but starting to date only after 2 months is a bit much.

Good luck.
 

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HI, it's been 18 years since my mom died when I was 25. Been a few years my grandma has been gone too. They both did so much to cook and make the holidays special. Me and my sister make their treats, use their special dishes, remember fun memories. The pain will always be there, but you learn to just let it be, and have the good things temper it.

Just be open with your kids and tell them you might turn into a basket case at the drop of a hat, tell them to give you hug medicine--it's way better if all that stuff is out in the open.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Rose - I really do want my dad to be happy and it does seem as if this woman is making him happy. It is just that when I called him to talk to him about celebrating the holiday together at my parents home - he informed me that he already had other plans to celebrate with his friend at her house. I needed the closure of having this holiday at my parent's house and would have brought everything for the meal. I guess I am feeling a little brushed off by my dad.

You were very lucky to find someone so special a second time! You are very blessed! I can only wish that my dad is just as lucky!
 

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So sorry you're going through this... I've been there. I've heard it said that men in particular grieve by finding new company... doesn't mean he doesn't miss your mom. It was hard for me as well when Dad started dating shortly after Mom died - we were all in enormous pain, him included.

That being said, I don't think it was particularly smart of his new friend to forge ahead without consideration to her new boyfriend's grieving family (grown or not), but new love (if this is what is developing) is blind. Be sure to secure some alone time with your Dad, regardless.
 

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My parents have been gone now for nearly 20 years ... I still miss them both. I don't think it truly gets "easier", just sometimes not as acutely painful.

My parents had been fully retired for about 10 years before Mom's death and had been spending the winters in Arizona, so the "break" there was not quite as painful ... I'd gotten used to holidays without them, just keeping in touch by telephone. I coped mostly, at that time, by volunteering to work the holidays for someone who had family, so for a number of years we simply didn't really celebrate either Thanksgiving or Christmas. But I STILL will think of something ... and especially this time of year ... think "I need to call and tell Mama about this" ...

I know it must be very difficult to have your father dating again so soon and seem so oblivious to your loss ... and his ... so quickly. It can be difficult but people react to loss very differently and this may be his only way of coping.

My father was older than my mother and was having difficulty with Alzheimer's before her death, so came to live with me after her death. He was with us another 10 months ... there wasn't anything physically wrong with him, the doctor just said things were "winding down" ... but I personally believe he simply lost his reason for living. Most of the time he didn't remember that she was dead ... a blessing for him, perhaps ... painful for me ... as he didn't understand why she had gone somewhere without him. The few lucid times when he did recall, it was as if it has just happened ... which for him, it had ... and as devastating.

I don't know if I hadn't gone through that, if I'd accepted his connection with someone else as comfortably as I should have ... but looking back, I'd give anything if he'd had the opportunity for it. Ten months of that kind of confusion and pain and sorrow is devastating to have to watch ... and must be even more devastating to live through.

Do what you can to make new holiday connections for yourself, remember your mother with love ... and try not to blame your father, or his new friend, for having priorities different than yours.
 

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Honestly - even though I miss mom terribly, I am having some real issues with dad dating already. I mean, it has only been a little over 2 months. I realize every person grieves at their own pace - but it just seems a little fast for me.
I know it seems odd, but some folks can't handle being alone. Finding someone else right away is one way to cope.

When my best friend's Mom died, her Dad was devastated. He had lost his better half and was terribly lonely. 10 weeks after she died, he was found dead in the garden on his birthday. His death certificate said that he had a massive heart attack, but everyone knew them said that he died from a broken heart.

deb
in wi
 

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My parents were divorced already when my Mama died, but we lost my grandfather almost 2 years ago. My grandmother started dating within 2 months and was remarried less than 6 months later...on Fathers day and without telling any one in advance to boot. Left a message on my machine for me to call and tell her sons....:O.
It is difficult to face the holidays without loved ones. Its been 4 years since we lost our Mama and I woke up thinking of her this morning...she was absolutely my best friend aside from my husband. The best advice I can offer is to tell your dad how you feel...not in a confrontational way...but do let him know you really need him and need to share the season with him in some way. Perhaps include his new friend if this is something you could tolerate. He might really be incapable of being alone...and I have also heard that happy marriages often lead the surviving spouse into another relationship more quickly. Keep communication open with him...!
Hugs and I'm sorry you have to face these things at all....
Andrea
 
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