Old joke...You're a Jerk

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by Reptyle, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. Reptyle

    Reptyle Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,134
    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2005
    Location:
    Tx
    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    You're a Jerk
    Part 1


    Well, I was sitting at my desk
    taking a break
    when I remembered a phone call
    I had to make.

    I dialed the number
    and reached some fellow
    a man who answered
    saying, “hello.”

    “this is Patrick,”
    I politely said,
    “and could I please speak
    to Robin Redd?”

    he slammed the phone
    down on me!
    I can’t believe how rude
    some people can be.
    well, I tracked down Robin
    and gave her a call
    I had transposed two digits
    that was all.

    after talking to Robin
    I was still mad as thunder
    at the guy on the phone
    so I redialed his number.

    I dialed 842-9842.

    the same man answered
    in a harsh baritone.
    I yelled, “you’re a jerk!”
    and hung up the phone.

    next to his number
    I wrote the word “jerk,”
    put it in a desk drawer
    and went back to work.

    every couple of weeks
    on a really bad day
    I would call him up
    and wait for him to say

    that surly, “hello,”
    and then I’d yell,
    'you’re a jerk!”
    it made me feel swell.

    I’d call 842-9842.

    later in the year
    I worried about Caller ID.
    I’d have to stop calling
    disappointing for me.

    I stewed and I stormed
    ‘til I knew just how to go.
    I dialed his number
    and heard him say, “hello.”

    (disguised voice) “I’m with Pacific Bell.
    my name is Frank Burgess.
    are you familiar
    with our Caller ID service?’

    he screamed, “no!” hung up.
    my god, he went berserk!
    I called him back and said,
    “that’s because, you’re a jerk!”

    842-9842.

    I told you this story
    to help you keep your wits.
    If something really bothers you
    take care of it!

    dial 842-9842.

    You're a Jerk
    Part 2


    The old lady at the mall really took her time
    pulling out of her parking space.
    I thought that she was never gonna leave
    so that I could take her place.

    I backed up a little, and then a little more,
    to give her big car plenty of room.
    “great,” I thought, “she’s finally leaving.
    I’ll be in there pretty soon.”

    all of a sudden, this black Camaro,
    like a comet from outer space
    came flying up on her other side
    and grabbed my parking place.

    I honked my horn and I honked it again,
    while under my breath I cursed,
    “you can’t do that, buddy!” I yelled at him,
    “’cause I was here first?”

    this guy climbed out of his Camaro
    pretending I was a tree.
    he walked towards the mall
    eyes straight ahead
    completely ignoring me.

    I thought, “this guy’s a jerk, too.”
    in his car’s window was a sign that said, “FOR SALE.”
    I wrote down his number for future reference
    on a piece of junk mail.

    a few days later, I was sitting at home
    taking a break from work.
    I had just finished calling 842-9842
    and yelling, “you’re a jerk!”

    842-9842.

    it’s real easy
    to call the jerk now
    since I put his number
    on my speed dial.

    then I found a phone number.
    I knew what I could do
    the guy with the Camaro
    I’d call this guy too.

    three rings later
    a man answered the phone,
    “I’m calling about the black Camaro
    that you own.”

    “where can I see it?”
    “it’s parked in front
    802 West 4th Street,”
    he said with a grunt.

    I asked him his name.
    he answered, “Don Malone.”
    “well, Don, you’re a jerk!”
    and I slammed down the phone!

    802 West 4th Street.
    Yeah,
    802 West 4th Street.

    after I hung up
    with a chuckle and a smile
    I added Don’s number
    to my list on speed dial.

    for a month or two
    my problems seemed small
    ‘cause when things went wrong
    I had two jerks I could call.

    I’d call them at 2.
    I’d call them at 4.
    when they’d go to bed
    I’d call them some more.

    I’d call all the time
    and just as a lark
    I even taught my dog
    to hit the speed dial
    and bark.

    842-9842.

    and now there’s
    Don Malone at
    802 West 4th Street.

    after months of calling
    and hanging up the phone
    it became an obligation
    not the thrill I had known.

    gave the problem some thought
    came up with a plan
    dialed Jerk #1
    and when I heard the man

    I yelled, “you’re a jerk!”
    but didn’t hang up.
    when he said, “hey, you!”
    I responded, “yup!”

    “stop calling me!” he growled
    his voice got really low -
    I waited just a second and
    answered him – “no!”

    he said, “what’s your name, pal?”
    I answered, “Don Malone –
    802 West 4th Street –
    and I’m calling from home.”

    “my black Camaro’s parked in front
    right on the street.
    come on over, jerk –
    I think we gotta meet.”

    “I’m coming to get you, right now – Don.”
    “like I’m really scared of you!
    you’re a jerk!” I added – then hung up
    and called Jerk…number…2.

    when he answered the phone
    I said, “hello, Jerk!”
    I couldn’t help it
    I started to smirk.

    “I’ll kick your butt!” he said.
    “well, here’s your chance, clown.
    I’m coming right over!”
    and I set the phone down.

    …..I called the police,
    “tell your cops on the beat….
    a big fight’s goin’ down at
    802 West 4th Street…

    packed a quick picnic.
    needed something to eat.
    drove down to West 4th
    and parked across the street.

    10 police cars, attack dogs, a helicopter,
    and a swat team all around.
    they had those 2 guys
    cuffed and down.

    that fall I received a letter.
    could hardly believe my eyes.
    I was called for jury duty
    it was those same two guys!

    I was the jury foreman.
    our justice system works.
    we found the defendants…guilty
    and a couple of jerks…

    842-9842.
    that’s area code 405.​
     
  2. unregistered29228

    unregistered29228 Guest

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    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2008
    Haha! I'd never actually do that, but it would be tempting!
     

  3. tallpines

    tallpines Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    9,283
    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2003
    Location:
    A woods in Wisconsin
    Helping out an old friend


    had my coffee to my left,
    paper on the other side,
    as I sipped and perused,
    the…classified.

    Toyota Camry for sale,
    blue,
    1993,
    under 20,000 miles.
    this sounded good to me.

    maybe too good,
    maybe it's sold.
    my mouth got dry,
    my coffee grew cold,

    as I dialed the number,
    tapping my shoe,
    as I realized it was,
    (405) 842-9842.

    that number seemed so familiar.

    "hello!" said a man,
    his voice…gruff and cold.
    "I'm calling about the Camry -
    is it already sold?"

    "I sold it last week!"
    he went berserk.
    I thought to myself,
    "HEY, THAT'S THE JERK!"

    "so call the paper.
    spend a dime.
    cancel the ad.
    save us both some time!"

    "it's almost expired.
    just leave me alone!"
    he finished his screaming,
    and slammed down the phone.

    so, I called the paper.
    it's the kind thing to do.
    "this is Julie," someone answered.
    "can I help you?"

    "my ad for the Camry -
    I'm renewing it,
    for two more weeks,
    and…cut the price a bit."

    "from $13,000 to…$8,000,
    and ad a line,
    call until 2 A.M.,
    let ring,
    a long…long…time."

    "no problem, sir.
    that's two weeks more.
    do you want this on your VISA,
    as we've done before?"

    "yeah, that'd be great,
    and I've a favor to ask,
    my dog chews my paper,
    when it's thrown on the grass."

    "have the paperboy,
    with all his might,
    throw it on the roof,
    way out of sight."

    ----------
    I was in a bad mood,
    really feeling blue.
    my girlfriend dumped me.
    I dialed (405) 842-9842.
    a familiar voice said,
    "hello."

    "this is Eric from the paper.
    you placed a classified ad.
    I'm calling to see if you're happy,
    with the results you've had."

    "you idiot!" the jerk screamed.
    "you ran my ad for two extra weeks!"
    "I'm sorry, sir,
    for causing you trouble,
    I'll issue you a refund,
    on the double."

    "I'll do it now,
    it won't be hard.
    what's the number,
    of your credit card?"

    he gave me his number,
    and the expiration date,
    then slammed down the phone,
    still irate.

    I felt a lot better,
    and thought I might try,
    to patch things up with my girlfriend,
    'cause I'm that kind of guy.

    sent her candy and flowers,
    and a bottle of wine.
    I didn't stop,
    I was feeling fine.

    sent her to Paris,
    to see the Mona Lisa,
    and I charged it all,
    on the Jerk's VISA

    ----------
    it was one of those mornings,
    when everything turns bad.
    tried to open frozen orange juice,
    and broke off the tab.

    tried a pair of pliers,
    they sort of worked,
    but splattered orange juice,
    all over…my new white shirt.

    "calm down," I thought,
    "some things always work."
    I picked up the phone,
    and called the jerk.

    a recording came on,
    it made me nervous,
    "this number is
    no longer in service."

    I called Ma Bell,
    thought I'd give it a try,
    "(405) 842-9842 has been disconnected,
    and I want to know why."

    "$153.24,
    is the exact amount,
    it's what's owed,
    on the account."

    "oh man,
    well, let's see,
    I'll pay that right now,
    it's worth it to me."

    sure glad I had the
    jerk's credit card number!
    that's VISA card
    number 4901 93…
     
  4. jil101ca

    jil101ca Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,713
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    Jul 1, 2007
    Location:
    Northern Ontario
    LOL That is funny!
     
  5. copperkid3

    copperkid3 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    8,092
    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2005
    Location:
    Dwelling in the state of Confusion -
    *************************************
    than just a 'cute' story here. Something told me to do a reverse phone check on
    that number. It's a REAL NUMBER in Oklahoma folks!!! Says that it's unpublished......
    hmmmm......wonder if the guy who has the number, has been getting a bunch
    of unsolicited calls lately???? No wonder he's a jerk.......:hammer: :flame:


    Unpublished
    (405) 842-9842
    is from Britton, OK