Finances with wife...

[wberry85]

I have been married for 6 months and my wife and I are still trying to get finances straight. We combined bank accounts probably a year ago, and it worked ok for a while. Things started to take a bad turn when she wanted to spend money and I did not. She wanted to get a mini horse that she called an "investment", and I thought it was stupid and told her no. Well the next day I come home and guess who is in our pasture.... We also had a rule that 10% of everything that came in went to savings. Well to this day I dont think she has ever saved a dime of her money.

So about 6 months ago we separated bank accounts again. I have been able to save $3000 in that time, where as she has saved nothing. However, she has acquired 2 horses, 2 goats, and a cow (none of which I want or care for). She takes care of them all herself, and its no big deal to me because I know I dont have to take care of them.

Well she is mad because she goes to the grocery store or buys things for the house and is annoyed when she has to come collect money from me and feels like that is not the type of relationship a married couple should have. I agree with her but at the same time I feel like I am going to get myself into trouble. What if her horse gets injured and it costs $3000? I absolutely will not want to pay that but she might. It seems like we are not on the same side of the coin with anything that involves money?

Anyone dealt with this and what did you do about it?

[myheaven]

After 23 years dh and I are still attempting to see eye to eye with money. I have to suggest Dave Ramsey. You are the geek she is the free spirit and that's ok. You two can work together and do this!

[unregistered353870]

Being married for six months, you're at least a year late in dealing with this problem. I don't have any great suggestions for you, but maybe talking to a financial counselor together and seeing the long term numbers can convince her of the benefits of saving. Good luck!

[shanzone2001]

I am your wife and you are my husband.
I spend a majority of my paycheck on the homestead and he covers the household expenses with his. Do all of my animals (goats, chickens, hogs, cattle, etc.) necessarily MAKE money? Absolutely not, but they provide healthy food for our family and the time spend raising them adds to our quality of life.

[countryfied2011]

Did you think she was going to change once you married her? The biggest problem I see is...you are still of the mindset of what yours is yours and whats hers is hers. If that is the case why did you get married.

You married her "For Better or For Worse"....her problems are your problems and visa versa.

[Ardie/WI]

Marriage counseling AND financial counseling is in order.

[shanzone2001]

Does she work and contribute financially? If so, why can't she have the things she wants? It's not like she is buying sports cars and speed boats!

[wwubben]

My wife has her account and I have mine.She buys the groceries and I take care of the utilities.She had the sheep operation before we retired and she made a profit with it.We discuss large purchases before we spend.We are both very conservative with our finances.One saver and one spender is always trouble.I have never seen a spender change their ways.

[Becka03]

I am sorry that there is discord in this area of your married life- for both you and your wife!
I would suggest that you try to find some sort of compromise?
one that you are both happy with?
Separate accounts - and maybe one joint one designated just for groceries? Can you have all the bills automatically deducted from the joint account?

I know that couples make this work somehow- we have friends that have separate accounts and they are quite happy people-
it isn't what we do in our household- but we have a rule that if something is over 50 bucks- we need to discuss it- that doesn't include- gas, food or kids school stuff- I have that budgeted in- I do the bills so DH asks me when he needs to make bigger than 50 dollar purchase- or he warns me a month in advance that we will need something that costs more than we would normally spend

[where I want to]

Keeping it all out in the open is the first thing of importance- you do not wish to have you hiding money so she feels she can't trust you when she finds out and you don't need to find yourself with a huge credit card bill that she hid until it's too late.
Can you find an agreement at least as far as automatically setting aside a certain amount in an account where getting it out is difficult and limited?
I agree that two horses can be a real burden but I can also say that I was never happy unless I had one- it's an addiction. Can she compromise at least on a horse buget and creating an emergency fund for vet services?
I once found myself with a horse that ran through thousands of dollars in vet costs and I had to put him down because I had no money (but lots of credit card charges) to pay the next month's feed bill.

[DAVID In Wisconsin]

My wife and I had similar problems through our marriage. We finally kept our money separate except for a set amount that we put in joint checking every month for household expenses. I saved and she bought clothes. That kept the arguing and resentment down to a minimum.

[paradox]

Keeping your money separate will never solve that problem, it will only cover it up for a short time. You will inevitably feel irritated that you have to sacrifice the fun things you want and be the grown up that is saving money for hard times. She is already irritated because she feels you have put up a wall and are hampering the whole concept of "the two shall become one". Those feelings don't go away. Usually they get swept under the rug until they fester and then blow up big time. Or it might cause almost constant bickering. Either way, you both lose.

I agree with those who said go to counseling. Many people think that is for couples who are on the verge of divorce but I say nip any problems in the bud and never let the relationship get that close to failing. This isn't a problem that can be ignored and "lived with", you have to get it solved. This is the kind of thing that destroys a marriage over time and I am not over stating that. If you love her, you have to solve this and ASAP! Best of luck to both of you.

Sounds to me like you two are not compatible in more ways than one . These things should have been worked out before marriage . The only resolution I can see at this point is each of you split necessary expenses such as housing , food , utilities , etc. & outside interests gets paid for by whoever wants what .

[Moboiku]

DH and I keep all of our finances separate and I truly think that is the way to go. We each had joint accounts with our former spouses and when there is a discrepancy in money handling styles, that inevitably leads to stress.

I do not work outside the home - running the homestead - which includes providing a LOT of the food we eat - is my job. Years ago, DH and I sat down and looked at our monthly expenses, and since then he has, on the first of the month, given me a lump sum to deposit into my account. From this, I pay bills, and buy groceries but also buy anything I need or want just for me. He trusts me to spend wisely and does not question any purchases I make. In other words, it is MY money. If I want to spend it, he doesn't care on what or how much it cost me, and if I want to save it…..well, that's my prerogative too.

He still pays a lot of things - vacations, the rare occasions we go out to eat, if he's driving my car and notices its low on gas, he'll fill it up - things like that. The money he transfers to me is not supposed to cover absolutely everything - it is just his way of saying "we're in this together, I trust that you with our finances".

I love that I don't have to justify any expenditures. And neither does he. UPS and Fedex regularly stop by to deliver boxes, sometimes for me, sometimes for him. I have no idea how much he spends on the gadgets he thinks he needs - its his money he's spending so its none of my business.

[simi-steading]

My only advice is get a hobby and spend some on yourself..

Sounds like you wife enjoys her hobby, and we all know hobbies aren't cheap..

Myself, me and my wife, we talk about expensive purchases, but other wise, we kinda get what we each want/need... but we both pay the bills..

I don't look at the future so much and worry about saving too much.. I figure I'm gonna slide in sideways one day, and I might as well enjoy it today, ,because I just may not be here tomorrow..

[Terri]

We have 3 accounts: mine, his, and household.

DH and I put our paychecks into the household account, all though DH has $300 a month automatically deposited in his own account so it is there for him whenever he wants it. I prefer to withdraw $25 a month is the form of cash and if I do not spend it it goes into my own bank account. The reason that DH get s a bigger allowance than I do is because the people at the office often go out to lunch together, and we both agree he should go when he wants to and so he has more money every week.

I do not ask what he spends his on and he does not ask me. They entire point of having spending money would be lost if permission had to be asked to spend it! I got chickens and he got a telescope and that is each our own business!

If we buy anything expensive we do talk about it, as long as it is going to come out of the household expenses. What we buy out of each of our money does not.

[Yvonne's hubby]

It sounds like you married my first wife. I put up with her nonsense for nine years. It took another ten ten years to pay off the debts when I finally had a gutful and left. You have my sympathy.

[bluemoonluck]

Originally Posted by DAVID In Wisconsin

My wife and I had similar problems through our marriage. We finally kept our money separate except for a set amount that we put in joint checking every month for household expenses. I saved and she bought clothes. That kept the arguing and resentment down to a minimum.

This, times a thousand.

Joint account that both of you contribute to - that covers utilities, taxes, rent/mortgage payments, reasonable grocery bills, insurance, etc. Basically, your "absolutely must-haves" are paid from this account.

What's left after you're done contributing the necessary funds to the joint account from your check is yours and goes into your own separate bank account.

What's left after your wife is done contributing the necessary funds to the joint account from her check is hers and goes into her own separate bank account.

What you do with the $$ in your account is your business. What she does with the $$ in her account is her business.

Ground rules are very important here. You both have to agree to ONLY use the joint funds for the things that are necessary. If your DW blows the grocery budget in one week, you either need to re-evaluate the grocery budget or you need to find out where that $$ is really going.

My exHusband literally drove me to bankruptcy with his spending. He ran credit cards thru the roof, and when we divorced I was responsible for half of them even thou I had nothing at all to do with running them up. I'd highly recommend that you pull a credit report on both yourself and your wife to ensure that you don't have things in your name that you are not aware of.

And I realize this sounds extreme, but if you two were to divorce she'd be entitled to HALF of the cash in YOUR account...... so it wouldn't be a bad idea to consult an attorney about drafting a post-nup (like a pre-nup, but written after you're already married) to protect your assets "just in case". And perhaps being asked to sign such a document will wake your wife up to the seriousness of the issue.

[wberry85]

Originally Posted by Terri

We have 3 accounts: mine, his, and household.

DH and I put our paychecks into the household account, all though DH has $300 a month automatically deposited in his own account so it is there for him whenever he wants it. I prefer to withdraw $25 a month is the form of cash and if I do not spend it it goes into my own bank account. The reason that DH get s a bigger allowance than I do is because the people at the office often go out to lunch together, and we both agree he should go when he wants to and so he has more money every week.

I do not ask what he spends his on and he does not ask me. They entire point of having spending money would be lost if permission had to be asked to spend it! I got chickens and he got a telescope and that is each our own business!

If we buy anything expensive we do talk about it, as long as it is going to come out of the household expenses. What we buy out of each of our money does not.

I really like this idea. 10% into savings, 70% into household fund, and 10% to each of us for whatever we want. That way it is all even, no one touches savings, and household still gets covered. If you want something personal then you get an allowance and can save for it.

It is hard because she is a photographer and her income is very sporatic, and its so hard to budget because you never know when money is coming in. I get paid every two weeks like clockwork so its simple.

To all that suggested counseling, we have a counselor. I go every week and my wife comes as needed. He helps us with lots of random things. This isnt something that is a big deal for us, but we are just trying to look for a solution as it is a hassle.

I did not expect her to change when I married her. I have been with her since we were 14 and have never been with anyone else. We are 28 now so I have known this would be a problem for a long time. I dont think that money is something that should affect who you want to marry. I am pretty frugal but money is not something I stress too much about.

[farmerj]

money, sex and drugs/alcohol are the things that lead to divorce.

If you think it's a problem now after 6 months, wait another 15 years.

I can't say what the magic or secret is because that's an agreement you have to come to terms with your spouse with. And the key to that is communication and willingness to compromise.

If you can't do that, then something will have to change.