Parental Dilemma

whodunit · #1 12/18/13, 09:05 AM

We set a dollar amount on each kid's Christmas gifts (which we didn't divulge to them)and asked them for lists of what they wanted.

One daughter, 9, submitted a list that had a very expensive doll. We probably could have gotten it for her, but it would have resulted in that being her only gift (the others have numerous smaller, less-expensive gifts) and she has a knock-off version of the doll that she never plays with.

The other night we made a statement to this daughter and another that we needed more ideas for Christmas gifts. This daughter told us that we already had her list. We acknowledged that and said we still needed more ideas. She has been difficult to buy for since she has yet to really develop her own identity and interests.

Last night we catch wind that this daughter (a very giving person) has likely gifted her knock-off doll to her younger sister.

So now we are left wondering if by asking for more ideas we implied she was getting the new doll.

This daughter is notoriously sensitive, so we were reluctant to confront her about it directly, so we made a general statement to all four girls that they shouldn't count on getting everything they want and that they shouldn't be giving anything away in that hope.

She is getting something else she really has been wanting but the other gifts were just guesses and not on her list which was pretty limited.

I think we are both inclined to just go ahead and buy it and call one of her other gifts a family gift since we can all use it.

My other idea was to tell her how expensive the doll is and point out that she doesn't play with the other doll, then if she still wants it to offer to buy it if she contributes since she does have cash of her own. This would allow us to gauge how much she really wants it.

Thoughts?

joebill · #2 12/18/13, 09:20 AM

I'd make a new year's resolution not to ask for gift lists next year. Most kids have little perspective anyway and get coached too much from TV ads and such. Gifts are supposed to be surprises, and you are already agonising over it, so next time, do it with no input except your intimate knowlege of your kids.

Yeah, I know, no real help for this year....Joe

hercsmama · #3 12/18/13, 09:46 AM

We are having a similar dilemma here. As in years past, we have had more money that we were willing to spend, and this year is tight financially.
We made a point of telling our kids, all adults,BTW, that this year would be leaner, and not to expect the very spendy things we've gifted in the past.

My best advice to you, is be as honest as possible, do what you can actually afford. I like the idea of maybe helping her to buy it herself. Maybe, along with the other things you gave her, give her whatever you can spend towards it, with the explanation that it is to go towards her purchase of the doll.

whodunit · #4 12/18/13, 09:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by joebill

I'd make a new year's resolution not to ask for gift lists next year. Most kids have little perspective anyway and get coached too much from TV ads and such. Gifts are supposed to be surprises, and you are already agonising over it, so next time, do it with no input except your intimate knowlege of your kids.

Yeah, I know, no real help for this year....Joe

You make some good points, however we don't have TV, so there isn't much influence there. She doesn't have a huge grasp of money and likely isn't aware of the cost of that doll.

Taylor R. · #5 12/18/13, 10:04 AM

I'm assuming she doesn't believe in Santa? If so, explain to her how you budget Christmas, and that what she's asked means there will be little room for anything else.

I try to explain things to our oldest daughter in terms of our normal bills, also. Say she wanted a gift that costs $150. I explain to her that her gift would cost the same amount it does for us to have electricity for a month. I then ask if that gift would be important enough to her that she could justify it costing $150. (We went through a similar dilemma this year with our 8 year old, though we hadn't shopped yet so we didn't have the other gift to contend with)

Do you usually do a family gift?? Is it in the budget to get the doll, too?

MJsLady · #6 12/18/13, 10:07 AM

This Christmas is different for us.
However what a friend of mine did when her girls wanted the AG dolls, was to let them put in 1/2 the cost. They are all under 10 right now so they used birthday money or money the earned doing extra jobs or from their portions of the yard sales and so on they do through the year. (They can sell of their toys, make easy jewelry with beads and wires and so on)

If I had girls I would probably do that as well.

paradox · #7 12/18/13, 10:08 AM

LOL - first time ever I think - I disagree with Joebill. A room with only a few items that you really like is better than two rooms full of stuff that is just not all that exciting to you. I rarely ever try to guess what someone might want. I always ask for lists, and if I can't get one I do gift cards so they can go get that perfect thing they have had their eye on. Because the idea of giving gifts is that the person actually get some enjoyment out of it. It's no fun if it just gets stuffed in a closet or regifted. It never ever hurts my feelings if someone needs to return something I got them. The point is for them to end up with something they really like.

That may sound odd to some, but we live a little different lifestyle than most. We are frugal and we focus a lot on the difference between wants and needs. We don't spend money on things that are just "wants" very often. Kids are welcome to earn money to buy items they want. But most the year our budget is focused only on what is needed. Christmas and Birthdays are when they can count on getting the stuff they have been wishing for. So it is important to me that they make their own list and get what they truly want.

Now this does not mean we don't all have plenty of "toys". We do. We save up all year for Christmas and Birthdays and load up. But having it be limited to a few occasions and not a weekly or monthly splurge makes it all the more special.

My kids often ask for expensive items at these times because they know it is easier to save up for the smaller stuff themselves. Leaves me with a list of only high ticket items, but that is ok. We have always been very vocal about living on a budget and how that works - it teaches them financial responsibility for them to see you living that out. They know if they ask for something really expensive that may be the only thing they get.

The gifts can still be a surprise if you engage in a little good natured Christmas psychological warfare. One year we put opposite names on all the packages. They were baffled at what they might be getting that was shaped or sized like what had their name on it. The next year we numbered them and had a master list of what was whose. Sometimes they get a box with a note that tells where their gift is hidden.This year they are wrapped in boxes that are odd shaped and have added weights to disguise what is inside. A few are purposely wrapped to look and weigh like something they did ask for, but I didn't buy. It is actually kind of fun coming up with ways to fool them and keep the surprise element going.

unregistered358967 · #8 12/18/13, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whodunit

My other idea was to tell her how expensive the doll is and point out that she doesn't play with the other doll, then if she still wants it to offer to buy it if she contributes since she does have cash of her own. This would allow us to gauge how much she really wants it.

Thoughts?

I have a feeling this is one of those American Girl dolls? My daughter (now 12) really wanted one when she was 8 or 9. I couldn't see spending that much money on something I felt was highway robbery disguised as a historical teaching tool.

We told her we'd spend no more than $50 on it and the rest would be up to her to earn through chores. Needless to say, she decided the doll wasn't really that cool after all. Lol.

Ardie/WI · #9 12/18/13, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whodunit

You make some good points, however we don't have TV, so there isn't much influence there. She doesn't have a huge grasp of money and likely isn't aware of the cost of that doll.

Perhaps it's time that she is taught about money. Nine isn't too young.

whodunit · #10 12/18/13, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Taylor R.

I'm assuming she doesn't believe in Santa? If so, explain to her how you budget Christmas, and that what she's asked means there will be little room for anything else.

I try to explain things to our oldest daughter in terms of our normal bills, also. Say she wanted a gift that costs $150. I explain to her that her gift would cost the same amount it does for us to have electricity for a month. I then ask if that gift would be important enough to her that she could justify it costing $150. (We went through a similar dilemma this year with our 8 year old, though we hadn't shopped yet so we didn't have the other gift to contend with)

Do you usually do a family gift?? Is it in the budget to get the doll, too?

We could buy it. It still doesn't solve the issue of why she wants it when she doesn't play with the knock-off. She has few interests at this point, so my thought is maybe she is thinking about collecting or it could be a way of setting herself apart from her sisters who always admired the dolls but never wanted one.

whodunit · #11 12/18/13, 10:49 AM

They really are good kids who have always been easily satisfied, such as used clothing, used toys, etc. or non-name brand stuff. I was actually kind of disappointed/surprised by their lists- aside from her just a bunch of little $15-20 items (when we budgeted $130 a piece with our contribution and grandparents contribution combined), but my DW pointed out that is a good thing that they are not suffering from consumerism.

whodunit · #12 12/18/13, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paradox

The gifts can still be a surprise if you engage in a little good natured Christmas psychological warfare. One year we put opposite names on all the packages. They were baffled at what they might be getting that was shaped or sized like what had their name on it. The next year we numbered them and had a master list of what was whose. Sometimes they get a box with a note that tells where their gift is hidden.This year they are wrapped in boxes that are odd shaped and have added weights to disguise what is inside. A few are purposely wrapped to look and weigh like something they did ask for, but I didn't buy. It is actually kind of fun coming up with ways to fool them and keep the surprise element going.

Very cool! We have done the weight and mishapen package thing, but the numbered gifts with a master list is genius!

unregistered65598 · #13 12/18/13, 11:25 AM

We tell our kids that we have a set amount we spend on them and it's the same amount each. Day is 15 and the things he wants are getting spendy. He only wants one thing, a go cam. So this means besides clothes that's all he's getting. His sister is 12 and she has a list of less spendy things so she will get much more, but he understand that. I'm pretty sure he knows what he's getting, but I am going to disguise it. I'm going to put it in a box with a small Lego set and some clothes. So when he shakes it he will think it's Legos.

emdeengee · #14 12/18/13, 11:25 AM

Just because she does not play with the other doll does not mean that she will not really love this doll. She may not play with it either but just really enjoy having it.

You asked for a list from the kids. If the doll falls within what you would have spent on her gifts then I would get it for her.

We never gave everything that was wanted but we did try to gift what was really wanted. And if it ended up that the only gift was a pair of skates because they were so expensive then that was the way it was.

whodunit · #15 12/18/13, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by emdeengee

Just because she does not play with the other doll does not mean that she will not really love this doll. She may not play with it either but just really enjoy having it.

You asked for a list from the kids. If the doll falls within what you would have spent on her gifts then I would get it for her.

We never gave everything that was wanted but we did try to gift what was really wanted. And if it ended up that the only gift was a pair of skates because they were so expensive then that was the way it was.

Good point...I was thinking maybe she wants to start collecting them, which would be fine. She is difficult to buy for and this would give us a target in the future.

whodunit · #16 12/18/13, 02:03 PM

Well, DW talked to DD9 who decided she wanted a cheaper version from Costco that comes with many more clothes for half the price. DW offered to giver her time to think about it and she said she was sure and didn't need any time. SO, we are good with that. Perhaps we'll think about an AG doll in the future.

topofmountain · #17 12/18/13, 02:43 PM

Interesting thread. I was trying to think back to my childhood & Christmas what sticks out is a new bike & I always loved the tree & all the decorations & lights. But 60+ years later that is all I remember. There were three of us a brother & sister. Non of us went without the things we needed. We always had new clothes for the start of school, & plenty of food & a warm house. Parents that did there best.
I never had children so I can't really input much. Although I worked with children & still do some. I was a coach. My wife is a SPED teacher & I get involved with the schools she has worked.
All I really know about children is you set the rules & stick with them & they for the most part respect that. They want guidance. I also know children are a lot smarter or aware than we adults think they are sometimes.
I really like Taylor R statement & approach to dealing with children. They understand if you explain. They don't understand sideways statements any better than I do. EXPLAIN would be my only input.

whodunit · #18 12/18/13, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by topofmountain

Interesting thread. I was trying to think back to my childhood & Christmas what sticks out is a new bike & I always loved the tree & all the decorations & lights. But 60+ years later that is all I remember. There were three of us a brother & sister. Non of us went without the things we needed. We always had new clothes for the start of school, & plenty of food & a warm house. Parents that did there best.
I never had children so I can't really input much. Although I worked with children & still do some. I was a coach. My wife is a SPED teacher & I get involved with the schools she has worked.
All I really know about children is you set the rules & stick with them & they for the most part respect that. They want guidance. I also know children are a lot smarter or aware than we adults think they are sometimes.
I really like Taylor R statement & approach to dealing with children. They understand if you explain. They don't understand sideways statements any better than I do. EXPLAIN would be my only input.

I actually thought about what you call "sideways statements" and figured she really wasn't getting it. I am pretty impressed with my kids overall as they have always been reasonable with their wants snd are easy to please. They are normally very happy with other than the best and brightest.

WildernesFamily · #19 12/18/13, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whodunit

We could buy it. It still doesn't solve the issue of why she wants it when she doesn't play with the knock-off. She has few interests at this point, so my thought is maybe she is thinking about collecting or it could be a way of setting herself apart from her sisters who always admired the dolls but never wanted one.

Does she have friends who have the more expensive doll? Having had girls who have had both the knockoff and the more expensive AG dolls, there is definitely a very noticeable difference in quality.

I was just wondering if her friends have the more expensive dolls, because if they do.. well you know how kids can be.

whodunit · #20 12/18/13, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WildernesFamily

Does she have friends who have the more expensive doll? Having had girls who have had both the knockoff and the more expensive AG dolls, there is definitely a very noticeable difference in quality.

I was just wondering if her friends have the more expensive dolls, because if they do.. well you know how kids can be.

Most of her time is spent with sisters but that's a possibility. We have watched several of the movies whicg are actually very good, so that's likely where it comes from.