Kids+Money=Trouble

[Centralilrookie]

I have 21yr old daughter that thinks dad should help (pay for) her car insurance and the copayment on medical bills. Her mother and I are divorced and I did pick up these bills when she attended cosmetology school, which I also payed 50% of. So now 6 months after graduation and landing full time employment, she still forwards these bills to me. Two problems- #1 not being responsible for her own bills, #2 waiting till said bill is ready to go to collections to decide to send to dear old dad, to act on immediately.
Now the questions, was I wrong for helping her? Do young people think different than we did at that age? When does it stop? When did the rules to age appropriate responsibility change? Who decides all this???

[simi-steading]

I wouldn't say wrong to help her while in school, but you need to have a talk with her now and let her know she's an adult and has a job and needs to learn to live within her means as you had to do at the same age..

Maybe let her know you'll help her catch up if need be and i you want, but it's only a small loan....

[fellini123]

My DH has a 34 year old son. When he graduated from high school he wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV. We told him he needed to either go to college, trade school, or get a job. So one day we came home and he was gone.

He went to live with his sister. He wanted to sit on the couch there, and watch TV. She told him "Get a job, or get out."

So he worked a few days until he got enough $$ to buy a bus ticket to his mothers in AZ.

That was in 1999, he is still there and his mom is still paying his bills. He does have an apartment, but she pays the rent. He still doesnt have a job. He got married for a brief time (about 3 months), but he wanted to sit on the couch, watch TV and drink Red Bull. His wife told him to get a job or get out. Guess what happened??

So it goes on forever if you let it. You were not wrong in helping her. But she is employed full time and it is time to explain how things work. Yes I think many kids of that generation feel they are entitled to be taken care of, forever. Any $$ they earn is fun $$ not to pay bills.

Alice in Virginia

[AngieM2]

if you are not the signed co-responsible party on the medical co-pays maybe some collection calls will be good for her. It won't kill her just her credit score for a bit.

And same for her insurance. She's 21 and old enough to be responsible for herself at this point with a job and all.

[countryfied2011]

When does it stop

When you stop paying it. There was nothing wrong with helping her out while attending school...but school is over with and she has a job. I am more curious as to why you would ask HT members...seems to me you should already know the answer.

[Laura Zone 10]

Originally Posted by Centralilrookie

I have 21yr old daughter that thinks dad should help (pay for) her car insurance and the copayment on medical bills. Her mother and I are divorced and I did pick up these bills when she attended cosmetology school, which I also payed 50% of. So now 6 months after graduation and landing full time employment, she still forwards these bills to me.

Time for you two to sit down, and have an adult discussion.
Both of you need to come to an agreement, and both of you need to lay out the 'consequences' if the said agreement is broken.

Two problems- #1 not being responsible for her own bills, #2 waiting till said bill is ready to go to collections to decide to send to dear old dad, to act on immediately.

IMHO
1. This is laziness / immaturity and that can be addressed, and dealt with in a good sit down conversation.

2. This is her way of "getting back at you" for the divorce.

Either way, just hash out what is, and what is not acceptable in a sit down discussion.

Now the questions, was I wrong for helping her? Do young people think different than we did at that age? When does it stop? When did the rules to age appropriate responsibility change? Who decides all this???

No, you were not wrong for helping her, not at all!!
But sit down and come to a face to face agreement on how this will go down from here on out.

Yes, young people DO think different.
They are less responsible, more flaky, less considerate/respectful, more selfish. (on the whole, not ALL of them....)
That is why you have to be crystal clear, and be ready to meet out the consequences if need be.

When does it stop?
When laying your hand on a hot stove, hurts.
Then you stop, touching the burner.
Consequences are your friend.

You do.
That's the awesome / carppy thing about being the parent.

You sit down, tell her what you will and will not help her with.
HOW you will help and WHEN you will help.

If she gets the bills to you too late......sorry about her.
She's 21 and it will wreck HER credit. Not yours.

Be firm, and let her know, you are not kidding about the consequences!!

[FunnyRiverFarm]

If I would have tried to pawn off bills onto my parents at that age/situation I would have been laughed out of the house...but I never even considered doing something like that because I knew what was expected. Sounds like it's time for you to lay out some new expectations for her...and stick to them.

[Ardie/WI]

Tell her to put on her big-girl panties and take responsibility for her own bills. Period.

[mistletoad]

She thinks dad will pay these bills because dad does. That isn't all her fault. Expectations do not seem to have been laid out. The time for that was before she turned 18, to let her know what being an adult actually means.

Absolutely nothing wrong with helping out a student IMO, but unless that was spelled out to her, there is also no reason for her to think it was only that and would stop when she left school. We think it should be obvious, but a quick look at threads on this forum will show there are a great many adults who get by on someone else's money - it is common enough that it could actually seem normal or "right" to a young, impressionable person who would like it to be so.

But it is a simple fix - tell her now what she can expect from you. Choose to pay this round of bills as the very last one, or choose not to pay them to teach her a lesson. Either way, you two need to communicate in a way that doesn't involve sending each other bills or cash.

[Centralilrookie]

THANK YOU to each one of you for your time and consideration in helping me with this challenge. The answer does seem obvious.

The quilt card has been played on me many times before.

The part that stumps me is that at that age I would have never dreamed of asking my parents to pay my bills. So did I fail as a parent or is it an accepted practice by this generation to ride on their parents coat tails till made to get off?

[countryfied2011]

I don't think you failed as a parent....I can remember spending money that I didn't need to knowing that my parents would always help out and I was way older than your daughter before I realized I didnt need to do it anymore. At some point in time every one of us needs a reality check every now and then about something. I had to give it to my daughter around your daughter's age. The thing is people are always going to try and take the easy way out if they can get by with it...they also cant read our minds...so you have to spell it out.

Good Luck and Merry Christmas~

P.s. some children do expect it because they have never had to learn consequences..

[TedH71]

The day my kids turn 18, the more responsibilities they get. I'm not going to pay for their college or car insurance or none of that. The most I might consider is paying the health insurance (that's if we still are living in the USA).

[Annsni]

In our house, we pay the deductible on the insurance because it's a family deductible. But cars? If you want the benefit of a car, you need to be able to pay for it. This means that my daughters worked for a few years before they got cars. They were gifted lovely cars by my in-laws before going to college (both went to local universities and so commuted) but car insurance, repairs and gas have always been on their dollar. If they don't have it, they can park the car. Easy peasy.

[Laura Zone 10]

Originally Posted by Centralilrookie

So did I fail as a parent or is it an accepted practice by this generation to ride on their parents coat tails till made to get off?

First, if there were two parents in the home, then it's a joint effort.
(or joint failure)

This generation, and the one before it, are very different than the generations of the 60's and earlier.

I am marinading in epic failure as a parent mode right now, so my opinion will be skewed.....

I just think if she is old enough and mature enough to be out on her own, that you should have a sit down with her, tell her what is and is not acceptable, and then adhere to it like gorilla glue.

[thesedays]

Originally Posted by fellini123

My DH has a 34 year old son. When he graduated from high school he wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV. We told him he needed to either go to college, trade school, or get a job. So one day we came home and he was gone.

He went to live with his sister. He wanted to sit on the couch there, and watch TV. She told him "Get a job, or get out."

So he worked a few days until he got enough $$ to buy a bus ticket to his mothers in AZ.

That was in 1999, he is still there and his mom is still paying his bills. He does have an apartment, but she pays the rent. He still doesnt have a job. He got married for a brief time (about 3 months), but he wanted to sit on the couch, watch TV and drink Red Bull. His wife told him to get a job or get out. Guess what happened??

So it goes on forever if you let it. You were not wrong in helping her. But she is employed full time and it is time to explain how things work. Yes I think many kids of that generation feel they are entitled to be taken care of, forever. Any $$ they earn is fun $$ not to pay bills.

Alice in Virginia

Is he also a heavy marijuana smoker? He sure sounds like it.

One of these days, he's going to be homeless.

[edcopp]

Just say no. Do it now.

[sidepasser]

I told my son when he graduated from college that when he got a job, he would then be responsible for ALL his bills. He graduated from college, then went on to get his Masters. In between...he got a job and he paid his own car insurance, rent, food, clothes, and similar stuff. I paid his phone and his health insurance. After he left college for a "real job w/insurance" , I gave him two months to get settled, then I eased him off my phone bill and onto his own. He also pays his own rent, utilities, car repairs, etc. The last thing I eased him off of was my insurance as he had to be employed 90 days before the co. would give him ins. That just happened and he was so proud - he sent me a copy of his insurance card and said to take him off my insurance. So two weeks ago, I did. He's 23 and has always been "eased" along, by my telling him the full expectations and the time frames for accomplishments.

Got to give them a head's up and tell them what is expected. Otherwise they figure things just keep going like they have been going.

[big rockpile]

Tell her you Love her. If your able help one more time and this is the last.

Hug her and no more.

big rockpile

[ceresone]

My oldest Daughter, had her Daughter-and Granddaughter moved in with her--for just a short time(?) then, GS added a Husband-and sometimes his 2 sons.
Youngest Daughter has almost always had her Daughter-and 3 Gd's living with her--now, GD has a BF living there-as well as sometimes GS! These"children"are all in their mid 30's.
What is it with the young adults? are they all "entitled"? Glad no one asked me-and makes me glad I live alone! Who has to tell them to grow-up? and when?

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by Centralilrookie

THANK YOU to each one of you for your time and consideration in helping me with this challenge. The answer does seem obvious.

The quilt card has been played on me many times before.

The part that stumps me is that at that age I would have never dreamed of asking my parents to pay my bills. So did I fail as a parent or is it an accepted practice by this generation to ride on their parents coat tails till made to get off?

I think that you failed to teach her responsibility. That may be a rough pill to swallow, but it's my thoughts in a nutshell. Tell her the gravy train just left the depot and she is on her own to sink or swim.