How to politely turn down lavish spending?

[paradox]

We have always been a frugal folk and enjoy a simple lifestyle. We have spent a great deal of time and effort teaching our children about financial responsibility and trying to combat the frivolous spending attitudes they see in society as a whole.

But now my daughter is dating a young man whose family makes good money and blows through it like crazy. Recently we all met for dinner - a chance for the parents to get to know each other type thing. They insisted on paying as they had just won a big check at the Futurity and wanted to celebrate. During the course of dinner someone brought up a restaurant that is very expensive but has a great reputation locally. When we said we had never been, they said "oh we will have to take you there, you will love it". This is not a place we would ever go as I find $60 or more per plate to be ridiculous. And I certainly don't want someone we hardly know footing that bill.

Then the young man showed up with my DD's birthday present. There were several items that totaled at least a couple hundred bucks. They have been dating like 6 weeks. And heaven knows what he will do for Christmas.

They truly are nice people so I don't want to hurt their feelings. They just live a very different lifestyle than we do and the lavish spending makes us and our daughter very uncomfortable. How do you politely explain that it really is just too much and that something small would be much more appreciated and appropriate?

[Wolf mom]

First of all it's her place to make it known to her friend that expensive gifts & dinners make her uncomfortable - not yours. A well rounded person is able to feel comfortable in most settings - gifts - sounds like her friend may not know boundaries.

This maybe a good example for her to contrast your lifestyle with her friend's. Who knows, she may like it - liking it, does not mean that she has forsaken your values, nor want's to live that way. If she's well grounded, it won't hurt her and you have nothing to be afraid of - do you? Most young people i've met seem to want to try on other ways of living ( stretch the boundaries), but most seem to come back close to what they learned when young.

If you feel the need to say something, your last paragraph is appropriate and says it all - short & sweet.

[bluemoonluck]

Before I weigh in, how old is your daughter?

[paradox]

Originally Posted by bluemoonluck

Before I weigh in, how old is your daughter?

Just turned 17, the young man is still 16

[Goat Servant]

Sheesh, they're both jailbait. I wouldn't worry the big picture quite yet. As for the invite, Id find a nice way to decline if it makes you uncomfortable.

[paradox]

LOL I guess I should clarify a little more. I am not trying to march them down the isle, they are just kids and have not been dating long - which is part of what makes this so awkward. Also I am not worried about them corrupting my DD with their lifestyle. She is the one who is asking me how to curb this behavior because it makes her uncomfortable. I was just looking for some other suggestions that might work better than what we already tried.

Initially, I advised her to just gently tell him that there is no need to buy her things or take her fancy places all the time (he has bought her things before the large birthday gift) and that she just enjoys hanging out with him. When he asks what she would like to do she suggests hanging out at the house. That hasn't seemed to deter him. Her headphones break while they are at the library and next time he sees her he brings her new ones. She is having trouble getting a game to download on her xbox which came free with the system - so he goes and buys it for her on the disc so she doesn't have to download it. That is the kind of thing he does. It's sweet, it's just too much.

Then when his Mom texted me to ask for suggestions on birthday gifts I gave a few cheaper options and said "please don't let him go overboard." She just replied "LOL I will try but he is a pretty giving person." And then he spent a couple hundred bucks on her. So epic failure there as well.

She really does like this boy, but getting lots of expensive things all the time is uncomfortable for her. She is the type of girl who would be more impressed if he showed up with a handful of wildflowers he picked. I just don't know what else she could say that would stop the gifts, but preserve the relationship.

He is a nice kid and quite the gentleman so I really have no qualms with them dating. She is just looking for a way to fix this little issue...

[Farmerjonathan]

We raised our two daughters on meager incomes and lived full rich lives without breaking the bank. We included our girl's boyfriends in our activities, heck get them to know us and us them. We pitched manure, shot 22's on our target range, drove and rode horses, hunted and fished. Oldest daughter married a very nice young man that is a semi mechanic. Youngest married the hunter/fisherman and they to this day hunt and fish more than we ever did as a family. So their strengths and weaknesses will help them decide on their mate and we enjoyed the muscles of all their boyfriends!!

[Paumon]

I would be uncomfortable too if my teenage daughter was receiving inappropriately expensive gifts from a young boy like that, especially when they are so young and have not known each other for very long.

Lots of red flags there. Why is his mother getting involved and asking you for ideas for things he can get her for her birthday? I think his parents are being irresponsible in not teaching him to be more frugal.

I think most parents would not permit their young daughters to accept expensive gifts from suitors who are not yet of marriageable age. It can make the girl and her parents to feel obligated to return the favours in ways that they should not or cannot afford. If it's permitted it doesn't look good and might be misinterpreted by other people that your daughter is a gold-digger or that she's being encouraged to be a gold-digger and may be easily bought. So it's not good for her reputation as a sensible, frugal girl.

If it's making your daughter and yourselves feel uncomfortable then as her parents who are responsible for her and care about her reputation perhaps you should take the onus onto yourselves. You could put your foot down firmly and inform him and his parents that you want it to stop and that she is not allowed to receive such expensive gifts from boys. You could tell them that you all appreciate his generosity but that it is inappropriate at their young age and is making your family feeling uncomfortable and inadequate since you can't afford to return the gestures.

If he really likes her and wants to continue the relationship he will understand. If he and his parents get their knickers in a twist about it then perhaps he is not such a good person for her to be associating with anyway, since it will be an indication of his unsuitability and lack of maturity for the future.

[simi-steading]

My wife and I both work in offices full of people who make several millions of dollars a year.. and some a lot more...

Those kind of people live in a different world than we do... To them, and $100 dinner is like a $10 dinner to us.... They don't see things like we do... We've been invited out and tried to keep it mild on their dime, but they did all the ordering and they walked out with a $1000 tab without batting an eye...

Maybe go to dinner and see what they are like, then maybe have a discussion about how you raised your daughter.. and maybe bring up they are still young...

Guide your daughter, but don't tell her how to live. A lot of times that's the fastest way to turn them away, especially if they suddenly are seeing a different well funded kind of lifestyle.

This is a good opportunity to make her realize not everyone can always have everything, and even if they do, some times that can all fall apart and you need to keep sensability on your side all the time..

[Molly Mckee]

When I started dating, a million years ago, I was not allowed to accept expensive presents. According to Emily Post or maybe her mother, a "nice" girl only accepted books, flowers, or candy from a boy or man until she was engaged. That was the limit my my parents gave me. If it makes you and your DD uncomfortable, put limits on the gifting. You are the girl's parents, you make the rules.

[countryfied2011]

If it makes your daughter uncomfortable and goes against your teachings and principles then why is she seeing the young man? It is a part of who he is and his family is. If she wants to continue seeing him, she needs to accept him for who he is, not what she and you Want him to be.

At 16 and 17, they might not even be dating next year--someone new might come along and the next boy could be worse than just spending money on her. We don't always pick and choose who we fall in love with...lol

[NickyBlade]

My daughter's 16yo boyfriend gave her a $500 necklace for her 17th birthday... My husband and I were like O.o

After talking about it, we realize that it's not the boyfriend who purchased the expensive gift. At 16 and a high school student, it was his parents who paid for the gift. We decided they must have really liked our daughter to help their son get her such a costly present. (costly to us, not so much to them) Next, I had to get over not wanting my daughter to wear it for fear she'd lose it! lol.

I don't think people buy gifts like that to show off. I believe it's to show how much they appreciate the person. They probably don't even realize that it makes us working class people uncomfortable. As long as they're ok with getting a crocheted afghan on their birthday and don't expect $500 gifts in return, it's not a problem.

[Ardie/WI]

I guess that, if it were my DD, I'd hold my breath and hope that we instilled good manners and principals in her. I wouldn't be critical of either the boy nor his family, but I'd explain that accepting expensive gifts from a guy is in poor taste. That it almost looks as if he is "buying" her.

[unregistered358967]

It sounds to me that the boy's parents are truly giving people who's idea of giving is skewed toward the $, but still nice people. I bet they'd understand if you just were honest with them, sharing what you've shared here. If they're as kind as they sound, they should understand.

Likely they're just excited their son has found such a wonderful girl.

[RubyRed]

The cynical side of me says - this doesn't feel right. Too soon, too young, too much. Money is a tool to be used, and unfortunately many use it to control, impress and buy another person.

I know there is truly generous people out there without those intentions, but even with that, I would kindly turn the offer and gifts down, stating my reason that it is too soon.

Maybe down the road, both families can exchange and share their lifestyles with one another, but 6 weeks is awful soon to be that involved.

[Goat Servant]

For now I would encourage your daughter to have an honest talk with this boy from her own heart.

[Buffy in Dallas]

First read this.

http://personalitycafe.com/articles/...explained.html

Then think, maybe this kids love language is Giving or Acts of service. Maybe his parents too.

Then think, am I being a "poor snob"? What I mean is, do you have a snobby attitude towards rich people? Do you subconsciously think they are bad? Do you think they are trying to buy you when they are really just showing they care in a way that to them is a trifle but to you is a huge gift monetarily. Would you hurt their feelings by rejecting their gift?

When I was a teenager, I was rich. (well, my parents were, I had access) I routinely took my best friend out to lunch, dinner, movies, and I paid because she was truly poor. I loved spending time with her and I knew she was not hanging out with me just because I had money. She knew how much I loved and enjoyed being able to share this with her. It was my gift and she understood so she gracefully accepted, but never expected or demanded more. We are still friends 35 years later. (even though she moved away 30 years ago and I'm now poorer than she was then)

The important part is the "Gracefully accepting, but never expecting".

[summerdaze]

I think you're daughter could end the lavishness by herself if she really wanted to. Teenagers tend to be brutaly honest with each other, and they probably knew each other or were friends even before 6 weeks of dating, so they should be able to discuss anything and everything by now. (They move fast too, talking a lot and getting to the point a lot faster then we older folks do)

I'm wondering if she hates it all that much. LOL. Or maybe it bothers her more because she knows it bothers YOU, and she feels like she SHOULD be bothered as well. (?)
I had to deal with this a long time ago when I was a kid too. The thing was, I wasn't into this boy, and he kept buying me stuff. We were not seriously dating, hadn't shared any deep conversations, in fact, I just really didn't know him much at all. If he had been a serious boyfriend, I surely would have felt ok about sharing how I felt about such things.
My parents also would not have let me accept expensive gifts from a boy when I was just a teenager anyway. I think they would have wondered what was expected back. And we were not a poor family either, but my folks were not the type to throw money around, or buy or accept inappropriately expensive gifts.

[big rockpile]

Ok raised two girls that married into money both put me and my wife down for the way we live. We just bite our tongue and go on.

But we're friends with my wife ex and family they have invited us to travel and stay with them. I would say yes to just get back part of the Child Support he never paid but feel out of place because we are not in their class plus I don't speak Persian and hate having my wife intrepid.

big rockpile

[Michael W. Smith]

Originally Posted by simi-steading

My wife and I both work in offices full of people who make several millions of dollars a year.. and some a lot more...

Those kind of people live in a different world than we do... To them, and $100 dinner is like a $10 dinner to us.... They don't see things like we do... We've been invited out and tried to keep it mild on their dime, but they did all the ordering and they walked out with a $1000 tab without batting an eye...

simi-steading has this right - What is $10.00 to us, is $200.00 to them.

A nice vacation for us - is going to the beach in a different state. A nice vacation for them - is going to Japan for 2 weeks to sight see.

A nice car for us, is buying a good used car in good shape. A nice car for them is the top of the line brand new $60,000.00 or more car with all the bells and whistles.

A nice house for us, is a small 2 bedroom house - where everything is cozy, but cramped. A nice house for them is a 4 bedroom house (only though there is the 2 of them plus their son). The parents master bedroom is twice as big as your basement and their walk in closet is bigger than your biggest bedroom. (Their house is all open with all kinds of space between furniture.)

Are you getting the picture here?

They live in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT world then we do.

The only problem I see with it, is the son. He has grown up in this lifestyle, and in a few years once he is out on his own - chances are Mom and Dad will continue to finance his life (just as they are doing now.)

Depending on how much money they have - and if he is an only child, he may come to inherit everything, only to find out that spending the income the money makes, AND the principal means it only lasts a few years before he has nothing. (The other problem is how many children - born with a silver or gold spoon in their mouths - turn to drugs and alcohol - which either results in an early death or a messed up life.)

I'm not sure what to tell you. There is nothing wrong with their life - they just have a lot more disposable income than you are used to.