Issue with Coworker(s) (long)

FeralFemale · #1 10/30/13, 07:41 PM

So, I just got transferred a few months ago. My new department is small. Just me and two other women. These women have worked there for years together, but they, too, just got put into this new department and know my new bosses only as well as I do.

During the first meeting with the new bosses, New Boss said he wants everyone to be open and honest with any issues they have and to share with the group (our department is part of a larger that spans several locations) and with him. He wants no 'backchanneling'. On that trip, the three of us made a pact. We wanted things that we say about work and our bosses to be in the 'vault'. We wanted to work in a safe environment where we backed eachother up and felt safe that no one would 'backchannel' up to the boss. Sort of our own team within a team where we wouldn't be going and telling the new bosses about stuff. We all promised.

Now, where *I* have gone wrong...I vented to my coworkers about our bosses. It has been a hard adjustment for me to go from an environment where my bosses trusted me and knew I was a very good, very trusted, and very capable worker to one where I am constantly questioned and insinuations are made that I may not be doing my job (though they find out that I am, of course). I know my new bosses don't know me as my old ones do and are in an adjustment period as well. They have to oversee a brand new department from the otherside of the country so they feel the need to micromanage a little. It's understandable. So I'm not angry at all about it. Just stressed and frustrated. Like I said. It's an adjustment period.

Well, my boss came to our location for a visit and had a sit down with all of us individually, just in a how are things going kind of way. I was shocked. It was obvious by what my boss talked to me about that one of my coworkers, or both, who knows, obviously had been telling him about my frustrations. He said he wanted me to come to him with any issues instead of 'backchanneling'.

I understand his issue. He said no backchanneling, but I don't consider venting 'backchanneling'. It's venting. I vent and get over it in short order. (some of you folks of the male persuasion may not understand the need to vent but most women need to 'feel' and work through their emotions in order to get to the otherside of things).

The really bad part is that the tattletale has been making it seem like it is worse than it is. Boss thinks that I am letting the things he says to me affect me more than they are, or even close to it. 'I don't ever want you to sit here (at my desk) and think about what I said to you or take it home at night and think about it,' he said. (He was actually pretty nice)

The thing is, nothing I vent about is serious enough that I feel I need to tell my boss and give him any reason to think something is wrong because nothing is really wrong. And I don't vent a lot. There has just been some very particular instances where I've been frustrated. That's my issue. Why should I make it his? Of course he doesn't trust me. He doesn't know me or my work, yet.

Anyway. I feel really stupid. Some women are such backstabbing, conniving people sometimes. I forgot after working with mostly men for so long. How could I forget that many women can't keep their mouth shut, promise or not?

So, today, I told one coworker something Boss and I talked about in our meeting. I told the other something else. Nothing big and nothing having to do with our boss and just juicey enough for it to get back to him.

I'll see which one is the culprit. I am pretty sure it is just one and which one it is. One of the women had an appropriate response. The other tried to egg me on and say things not only about Boss but also other coworker. She's tried that before and I didn't take the bait. At the time, I chalked it up to her testing me (ladies will remember the same games played in high school by their female friends) Pretty ironic and sad that I am playing the same sort of game, too, huh?

It will be the last time I vent or share with either of them. I should have rememebered an old mentor's opinion about friends in the work place....if you want a friend, get a dog.

I know I will get kind of flamed for this post because I did not use the best judgment. So be it. You live and you learn. And, yes, I realize that I am venting now, but finding out that I have a lying, two-faced coworker is something I needed to talk about and work through. I obviously can't vent in real life anymore, so thanks for listening.

Darren · #2 10/30/13, 07:46 PM

So when are you getting a dog?

FeralFemale · #3 10/30/13, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darren

So when are you getting a dog?

Not anytime soon. But we are getting another cat in the near future. I can tell you from experience that cats don't say a word you tell them.

DEKE01 · #4 10/30/13, 07:53 PM

A. don't vent at work
B. don't try to figure out which one you can't trust, trust neither of them. They are not your friends, they are co-workers.

FeralFemale · #5 10/30/13, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DEKE01

A. don't vent at work
B. don't try to figure out which one you can't trust, trust neither of them. They are not your friends, they are co-workers.

Learned and learned.

It's not about finding out which one I can trust. I'll never share with either again. It's about finding out who is the big mouth. That's really important info to know for several reasons.

MO_cows · #6 10/30/13, 08:03 PM

Sorry this happened. Lesson learned. I have never understood why some women want to live their lives as a soap opera. But a lot of them do. She was probably so excited she about peed herself when she was selling you out. Watch your back. Vent to your friends and your cat and to us on the board. Not to the other people at work.

Pearl B · #7 10/30/13, 08:20 PM

Live & learn, I hope things go better from now on.

unregistered41671 · #8 10/30/13, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FeralFemale

Learned and learned.

It's not about finding out which one I can trust. I'll never share with either again. It's about finding out who is the big mouth. That's really important info to know for several reasons.

I will do no good to confront this person. It could cost your job. Be careful.

ejagno · #9 10/30/13, 09:43 PM

I've always said that I'd rather work with 400 men than 4 women for this very reason. And just to think I now employ 33 women. I tell you there isn't enough Midol or Pamprin to fix most of them.

Wolfy-hound · #10 10/30/13, 10:26 PM

I've had the same amount of issues working with men as with women. Women tend to try to start drama, men tend to put you down to everyone else and pack up on you to "teach you your place".

I've dealt with one coworker who did EXACTLY what you describe from one of yours. She came to me making statements trying to egg me into saying things that she could then run to the boss to try to get me into trouble. It didn't work well for her, because when the boss came to me to accuse me of saying things, I admitted openly to saying them, pointed out that I'd said similar/same things to HER in person and if she really wanted to get into it, I would elaborate on my statements.

Afterwards, I simply didn't join in with her baiting sessions, and then she went and made UP stuff to tell the boss, who came to me, and I told her I didn't say those things. When she tried to say I had and was just denying it, I pointed out three things...

1. Coworker had already tried to cause drama between us multiple times.
2. I had already told her similar things to her face, so if I HAD said these new things, I would likely own up to that as well.
3. Calling me a liar would make me very very annoyed and she really did not wish to see me get annoyed with her.

Coworker ended up getting fired eventually. Boss ended up selling the place to a new owner. I'm STILL there. My new boss adores me. Coworker foolishly put me as a reference on her resume and has had three places call me for information on her. Yeah.

Vent away from work, kill your coworkers with kindness, use honesty with your boss(es) and continue to excel at work. Your bosses will appreciate you, your coworkers will have little to pick on and you can release stress outside of the environment that causes the stress.

Awnry Abe · #11 10/30/13, 10:37 PM

Oddly enough, by forming the pact you were instantly insubordinate to the directive to not back channel. Shoulda made a pact to hold each other accountable and to report issues in your department up the chain of command. Your department and your company would have been stronger for it. Trust was your reason, yet you gave your boss every reason not to trust you.

Do you really want to know who is the bad apple? It is very easy: do your job, and do it well. Do it for the betterment of your department and your company. The true nature of that person will reveal her in short order as you execute that plan. Either that or she will adopt your plan and everyone will come out a winner.

I know you are just venting, and I can appreciate the importance of that as well. I am sure will take the lesson learned and ace the test next time.

Awnry Abe · #12 10/30/13, 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ejagno

I've always said that I'd rather work with 400 men than 4 women for this very reason. And just to think I now employ 33 women. I tell you there isn't enough Midol or Pamprin to fix most of them.

I hope for your sake that one of them isn't in IT and that you don't log into HT at work. They'll figure out who ejagno is and you'll have a *real* mess on your hands. Unless you're a woman too, then, well, yeah, whatever.

FeralFemale · #13 10/30/13, 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Possum Belly

I will do no good to confront this person. It could cost your job. Be careful.

I will not confront at all! Just have the knowledge that, like I said, is usefu for several reasons...none of which include ever outing her.

Harry Chickpea · #14 10/30/13, 10:58 PM

Rule #1 of being an employee - don't do anything that will jeopardize the bread that is getting put on your table. That ESPECIALLY means not dissing your boss or the company. It is literally your JOB to support them. A different forum had a funny thread on how a cub news reporter was ranting on facebook about her working conditions and got herself canned. She couldn't figure out why. Rant at home. Rant to the dog you'll be getting.

Being of the male persuasion, your comment: " I vent and get over it in short order. (some of you folks of the male persuasion may not understand the need to vent but most women need to 'feel' and work through their emotions in order to get to the otherside of things). " might need a little more examination. Venting of the "that so*and*so" type can work against "getting to the otherside" and start to build a negativity. Feeling the emotion, stepping back to a space outside of the immediate, finding the source, and working from there can get better results while still honoring the need to feel.

If you have a problem w/ the boss, work it out w/ the boss. If you have a problem with another employee and the two of you can't work it out on your own, ask her/him for a quick sit down with the boss to work it out. To be successful, it has to be fast, cover only one or two points, and already have a range of answers the boss can choose from. My guess is that by the time the two of you work on figuring out what the boss is going to do, you won't need the meeting anyway.

Speaking as an ex-manager etc., OFTEN where there is a problem like you describe and it continues, ALL the participants manage to find themselves out of work. I've had to resort to that myself a few times.

Karen · #15 10/30/13, 11:13 PM

If you truly learned your lesson then you don't need to know who the blabbermouth is. It's a moot point since you'll not be venting in the future nor saying anything that could be misconstrued or exaggerated.

Finding out who it is only continues the mistake, can make things worst, and uses your work time in ways that can only bring about more drama and trouble.

Just let it go, learn from it, do your job, don't say a single negative word to any co-worker (ever!) and don't worry about who it was, what they do or did, etc. If you're doing that, then there's no reason to know who it was because they can't ever do anything to you again anyway.

As a side note, I don't think your first mistake was venting. It was making a pact with your co-workers. That is something that is unprofessional and sets each one of you up for hard feelings, misunderstandings, puts everyone on the offensive, and can really create a situation where one or more of you will be put on the spot to either lie or break the pack. It's also kind of childish, but that's just MHO.

If your doing your job well, saying nothing negative about others, keep to yourself about your personal issues, and being productive (all of which you should be doing anyway), then there would be no reason to have a pact since there is absolutely nothing for any co-worker to say to anyone about you.

Tricky Grama · #16 10/31/13, 07:16 AM

I agree w/FF. I'd want to know who the ratter is. Just me, I guess, but I'd want to know.

Yvonne's hubby · #17 10/31/13, 08:32 AM

I have yet to trust any woman when it comes to keeping their mouth shut. For reasons best known to themselves they will blab about anything and everything.... even when they would be far better served to say nothing at all. Men are no better. My rule has always been to never say anything to anyone that you dont want to see on the front page of the newspapers tomorrow, or announced on the courthouse steps over a loud speaker. Yeah I know, its a sad state of affairs, but it is what it is.

DEKE01 · #18 10/31/13, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yvonne's hubby

I have yet to trust any woman when it comes to keeping their mouth shut. For reasons best known to themselves they will blab about anything and everything.... even when they would be far better served to say nothing at all. Men are no better. My rule has always been to never say anything to anyone that you dont want to see on the front page of the newspapers tomorrow, or announced on the courthouse steps over a loud speaker. Yeah I know, its a sad state of affairs, but it is what it is.

You don't know the right women. And I know plenty of men I would put in the big mouth boat and men are far more likely to engage in one-upmanship trying to impress others with their inside knowledge.

Sawmill Jim · #19 10/31/13, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tricky Grama

I agree w/FF. I'd want to know who the ratter is. Just me, I guess, but I'd want to know.

Yep this way you have a way to get a message to the boss should the need arise

Yvonne's hubby · #20 10/31/13, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DEKE01

You don't know the right women. And I know plenty of men I would put in the big mouth boat and men are far more likely to engage in one-upmanship trying to impress others with their inside knowledge.

In case you missed it... I said men are just as bad and I agree that they tend to do it to brag. I have known an awful lot of women over the past 62 years... must have missed the ones you are talking about. All the women I have known have some deep seated need to "vent" their feelings... and it winds up all over town, no matter why its done, bragging or venting, the gossip mill gets it done. A secret is no longer a secret when its told to anyone for any reason.