For all you "Weapons" peeps.... hilarious story

[naturelover]

This story is a spoof on militant survivalist weapons nuts but it's so funny, it had me laughing so hard I was crying. I just had to share.

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Author unknown

As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add-on options in my $500 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands." That way nobody can see what I'm packing.

I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry.

Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was ready for anything.

I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

As I pull up to the 7-11 store I notice a nefarious looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV, a likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my wiener. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 10mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That’s when I noticed the Girl Scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda’ got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 10mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I attempted a mid air conversion and just threw myself into a telephone pole, but I landed on right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman’s SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage of surprise now. As she ran screaming for the Girl Scout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT tactical truck. I jumped into the driver seat forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though; half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to taser me, at which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunately I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background, I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who had shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I lay it down, I still had my bayonet embedded in my ass after all. The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch, unfortunately the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to hand now. I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw he merely carried a 9mm Glock 17 and not a man’s gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cop's ankle, I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but without hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.





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[Bearfootfarm]

That's why I never go to a 7-11











Those women in SUV's are dangerous!

[Cornhusker]

Sounds like a typical mall ninja

[copperkid3]

and found that it had been taken over by Pakastanian terrorists????

[RebelCowboySnB]

concealed weapons permit badge= MALL NINJA!

That explains the rest....

[tgmr05]

Great story, missing the tactical wheelbarrow in there, somewhere.....

[Farmerwilly2]

I wonder if he's a bricklayer by day?

[big rockpile]

Gives a person a whole New look at LEO's they have more Toys and there is more of them

big rockpile

[tinknal]

And now for our misguided foreign friend...............

"As reported, a Buckeye, Arizona man used his handgun to stop 4 attackers who were beating him with a baseball bat.

Police say that the concealed carry permit holder was in a parking lot near 195th Avenue and Indian School Road when 4 males in their late teens or early twenties approached him and attacked with a baseball bat. After being hit several times in the head and arms, the concealed carry permit holder is said to have drawn and fired his handgun, striking one of the attackers and causing all four of them to flee. Police are seeking the suspects, and the concealed carry permit holder was treated on the scene for minor injuries.

Here we have yet another concealed carry permit holder who was saved by their gun. Had this crime victim not had a gun for self defense, he could have been beaten to death by those 4 attackers and their baseball bat. Luckily, he was armed, and as a result managed to escape with only minor injuries."

http://www.learnaboutguns.com/2010/0...ent-attackers/


Freedom hating trolls will try to use humor to try to steal our rights. Don't you dare appease our local version of big brother by laughing at her veiled tyranny.

[Paumon]

Originally Posted by tinknal

And now for our misguided foreign friend...............


Freedom hating trolls will try to use humor to try to steal our rights. Don't you dare appease our local version of big brother by laughing at her veiled tyranny.

You need to get a grip on yourself. It's a joke for crying out loud. Where did you think that story came from and what kinds of forums did you think it's getting passed around on? It was easy for me to find it.

It's being passed around on American gun forums and soldiers and rangers sites like this, they all have that story on there:

Les Jones gun site: http://www.lesjones.com/posts/oldfir...category.shtml

Professional Soldiers forum (comedy section):
http://www.professionalsoldiers.com/...splay.php?f=50

Army Ranger forum:
http://www.armyranger.com/bb/index.p...e33ed1f79aec11

.

[Paumon]

Here is part two of the above story (both from 7 years ago) from the Highroad, which has both parts on the one page:
http://www.thehighroad.org/archive/i...5.html&



So there I was....what really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight

So There I was...(part DEUX) Mall Ninja Uber Tactical stories

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So there I was, pinning on my mall security badge. I knew that at that moment, I had reached the pinnacle of my calling, to "protect and serve" or as my company motto says, to "evade and report". I had just received my official state security commission which allowed me to be armed, the ELITE of mall security. As I holstered my Gold Inlayed Stainless Glock 21 in .45 ACP, I knew that if it got hairy out there, I would be ready. I placed my Benchmade tactical automatic knife in my pocket where I knew it would ready at a moments notice.

As I walked my beat this afternoon I received a radio dispatch of possible loitering in the food court. I quickly stepped into the Men's room and press checked my .45 Glock 21 to make sure, "just in case".

I then responded to the scene of the crime, just in time to witness at least 3 fourteen year old male suspects. I placed my hand on my gun and returned the biggest ones menacing glare. As I approached the ringleader, I noticed a movement, out of the corner of my eye. My advanced security training immediately screamed "AMBUSH". My 2 hours of class room instruction kicked in like a well oiled machine.

I whipped my ASP baton out just as I began to spin and meet the threat but the clever teenagers had strategically placed a spilled coke, so I lost my footing and landed flat on my back. I was prepared for such an attack however, and even though my baton went flying 15 feet away and the wind was knocked out of me, my survival instinct, honed to a razor edge, kicked in. I quickly rolled to my right getting to my knees and dove for cover in the water fountain. I went for my mace, but the water on my Oakley sunglasses obscured my vision. I depressed the cap and shot a burst of mace directly at myself, I have been maced before so I knew how to handle it. I ran in a circle screaming so as to confuse the opposition and then threw myself prone into a middle aged woman's lap in a booth. I knew at that moment that she would provide a body shield for any attacks that may occur. As I ordered her to stand in front of me, I reassured her of my abilities by showing her how a professional takes a knee to the groin.

As I writhe in pain on the ground, I would appear to the untrained eye to have lost control of my bladder. But in reality, this is a clever ruse to lure the predator to the trap. I stand up in a crouched position, and ran to retrieve my ASP. I could see the older woman running away from me bravely distracting the teenagers from my movements. I then picked my ASP up and whipped it into a semi-arc and with all the vengeance I could muster, I knocked my sunglasses right at the leading perp in a display of deft ability and superior training.

My right hand struck my right thigh causing the automatic knife to open in my pocket. The stabbing pain to my groin only heightened my awareness to the dangers I now faced.

Somehow, possibly a mastery of Thai Chi, the perp managed to cause me to strike the bridge my nose with the tip of my baton. I knew at that point I had met my match and conceded defeat by losing consciousness. Touche to whomever you are.


Disclaimer: This story is completely fictitious; any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.

[Ed Norman]

Originally Posted by tinknal

And now for our misguided foreign friend...............

Freedom hating trolls will try to use humor to try to steal our rights. Don't you dare appease our local version of big brother by laughing at her veiled tyranny.

Never give an inch to the gun grabbers, no matter what method they try and use.

Read about armed citizens exercising their rights:

http://www.stripersonline.com/t/6271...-year-analysis

The analysis may, however, be useful in helping to describe a methodology for successful armed self-defense. This methodology might be described as: 1. be aware, 2. be willing to fight, 3. have a weapon accessible, 4. be familiar enough with the weapon to employ it without fumbling, 5. when ready, communicate, both verbally and non-verbally, to the attacker that resistance will be given, and 6. if the attacker does not withdraw, counterattack without hesitation.