How To Leave The Family Farm

[Apryl in ND]

I have a dilemma I need some input on. I moved to North Dakota three years ago from Bozeman MT with my husband. The entire family farm is 180 something acres. His parents own it. We bought the seven acres with all of the old out buildings from them. We bought a small stick built home and had it moved here. We put $20,000 into the foundation and septic. The farm has been in the family for 5 generations I think so we can't exactly sell it, but we both hate it here. How do we get outa here without selling the farm?

The winters are about 9 months long (the growing season is not even 90 days some years) and bitter cold. Today with the wind chill it was minus 45 degrees. The people around here are disrespectful and....morons to put it mildly. Most of the people from here that are not idiots have moved away leaving retired people and morons. Now that we have a baby and want more kids we are thinking that we DO NOT want them raised amongst these idiots. We are 43 miles away from our work (we work at walmart which is the best paying place to work here). The nearest town with a hospital to have a baby at and civilization is 100 miles away.

His parents live 7 miles away in "town". They are out here constantly and are constantly invading our privacy. I moved way out here to get some privacy, not have it invaded. We lived with them while we were waiting for our house to get here and they "cleaned" our room, washed and folded all of our clothes and went through all of our stuff while we were away for the weekend once. They went through all of our boxes and took inventory too. His dad pestered us about him wanting to build a shed out here. We told him no, but he insisted. We finally let him, but then he got mad when we didn't help him build it. They have a garden in town at their house but also "share" our garden. GRRR. His parents (mostly his dad) are out here between 1-5 times per day doing things outside. The other day they walked in our house without giving us a chance to open the door. I think you get the picture. I feel like we cannot just tell them to go away because they have given us a ton of help in buying our house and other things. We have NEVER asked them for anything though. I feel like they are so "nice" to us and help us out by buying things that we never asked them to so that they feel entitled to intrude on our life so much. I guess they also think since it was their property that they still feel they can do as they please. AHHHHHHH!

So, we (mostly me though) want to get the hell out of here and move back to Bozeman, where we came from. I can't stand it here anymore and am losing my sanity. I've tried for the last three years to like it here, but I don't. So how can we move away from the family farm? We can't really sell it. We can't rent it out because it's a first time home buyers loan. I inquired about just moving the whole house to MT but the estimate was $40,000! No thanks! The only thing I can think of is maybe they would buy the house from us and move out here since they're out here all the time anyways. Or they could buy the house and rent it out and still have reign over the farm. Or I could just suck it up and start sucking down anti depressants. I can't sleep, can't eat and think I'm giving myself an ulcer about all of this. How would I even go about asking them if they'd buy our house without making them hate us or hurting their feelings? PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND! Thanks.

[AngieM2]

Put it up for sale. When the issues arise and they object, have a price they can purchase it back from you. I'd say no more than you've put into it.
Then move but try to still keep some type of communication with them

Reason - the weather, and not liking being so far out, medical for new baby, etc. You don't have to mention their intrusions.

For everything you get with help or for "free" - there is a price.

I sincerely hope it works out for you and your family. All of the family.

[tallpines]

I don't have answers for you but I certainly feel your pain.
I married into a fourth generation working farm.

DH was dedicated to that farm------------Before too long I began to feel that all I was --- was another piece of farm machinery------------------ expected to do exactly as all of his family thought I should do.

Yeh---they even supervised MY garden-----criticized my house keeping abilities and dissed my cooking---------seemed I was never doing things correctly. And on most issues DH took their side.

They walked in and out of my house as if it was not mine, but theirs.

Yes-----I ended up on anti-depressants------------and after 30 years ------------ I moved out.

After 7 months, DH decided it was time to retire and he/we sold the farm---------------really difficult for him as the farm had been in the family for 100 years ------- none of our 5 grown children wanted the farm.

We kept 40 acres of wooded land and built a new house--------------and I have NEVER invited his "controlling" relatives to visit.................never will----------------

As I said----not the same situation--------I have no answers for you but I wish you luck.......................

You already know this, but, you need to find a means to get away from the rest of his family~~~~~
DO NOT wait for 30 years!

[plowjockey]

What would be worse, hurt feelings and resentment, on their side, or the agony you are now experiencing? (43 mile commute to a Walmart job?)

Sell out and move eslewhere. At least they will be hating you from a distance.

Just be honest with them and move on. They won't like it, but if they don't at least understand, too bad.

[dragonjaze]

Life is too short to deal with that kind of stuff.

If the parents want it "kept in the family" then they can buy it back. Otherwise, maybe it will go to someone who doesn't have irritating relatives intruding all the time!

[Shrek]

Offer the family first option, put it up for sale and move on. Folks do it all the time.

As far as your growing season, thats why I stay down south . I like a 10 or 11 month growing season.

[Txsteader]

Originally Posted by tallpines

Yeh---they even supervised MY garden-----criticized my house keeping abilities and dissed my cooking---------seemed I was never doing things correctly. And on most issues DH took their side.

They walked in and out of my house as if it was not mine, but theirs.

Sounds just like poor Debra on 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

BTDT, but I was too strong-willed myself to tolerate too much of that. Had to put my foot down just to keep my own dignity.

I agree w/ Shrek; offer the family first option, then put it on the market and move on.

[Alice In TX/MO]

"We have decided that living here isn't working well for us, and we'd like to move back to Boseman. The house has been appraised at $XXXX. Do you think you'd like to buy it from us, or should we just put in on the open market?"

[mnn2501]

Originally Posted by Alice In TX/MO

"We have decided that living here isn't working well for us, and we'd like to move back to Boseman. The house has been appraised at $XXXX. Do you think you'd like to buy it from us, or should we just put in on the open market?"

Exactly -- thats all you need to do -- beside's getting packed.

[fantasymaker]

Sounds like you need more sunshine....can you get it in Bozeman?

Remember "WE" are not from Bozeman , you might be but "He" is from there and comfortable with it.
It seems to me that most of the things your unhappy with have to do with your feet.
Its simply time to put them down.
Build a fence and a gate. get a remote opener. Tell the in laws its time for us to have our family on our own here are the rules. Then enforce them .
If that fails I like post #8

[Apryl in ND]

Thanks everyone for your help. I think tomorrow morning we will sit down with them and tell them that we don't want to live here anymore and explain the reasons why, but exclude the part about them driving me nuts. I WILL pull that card out if it comes down to that though. Then I'll ask them what they think we should do with the property. They'll be upset, but they'll eventually get over it I suppose.

[Apryl in ND]

Actually he grew up in Bozeman. They moved there when he was 8. They decided to move back here when they retired. Then we followed the next year (my stupid idea). So Bozeman IS home to him. He'd rather live there too. He hates it here also, but says "I can deal with it". I can't deal with it anymore.

[fantasymaker]

Honestly then is there a downside to going back to Bozeman? Well other than the investment losses?
Be Happy!

[7thswan]

Originally Posted by Apryl in ND

Thanks everyone for your help. I think tomorrow morning we will sit down with them and tell them that we don't want to live here anymore and explain the reasons why, but exclude the part about them driving me nuts. I WILL pull that card out if it comes down to that though. Then I'll ask them what they think we should do with the property. They'll be upset, but they'll eventually get over it I suppose.

Best of Luck to You. Prayers for Peace.

[Wags]

As long as the two of your are on the same page about what you want to do, and realize there might be sacrifices to be made to get back where you want to b,e then go for it.

[Alice In TX/MO]

I wouldn't even explain. I'd keep repeating, "This isn't working well for us. We are moving to Boseman." Repeat. Any explanation gives the opportunity for discussion (i.e. argument.)

Practice. "This isn't working well for us. We're moving to Boseman."

[OkieDavid]

As long as you and your husband stand arm in arm against the world, you will always win. Best of luck to you in your travels and happiness!!

[TJN66]

Good luck...I hope it all works out for you.

[bruce2288]

I'll say one thing. you have a pretty broad brush to paint EVERYONE in the area as idiots and morons.