Critique an arguement please

Laura Zone 5 · #1 12/23/12, 06:36 AM

After being in the car about two hours, and me pouring out my heart an soul to my spouse we are about 10 min from the house.....

He asks if I look forward to him coming home from work.
I said sometimes
He said why
I said because you came home. You chose to be with me and the kids.
He says “wow”. His body language says that is not what he wanted to hear.

He starts discussing the fact that we don’t like being around each other.

He mentions the period of time when we were doing projects together, and how we enjoyed each others company then.
I agreed.

I asked him WHY he as not made it a point to start a project with me in months.
He said he just thought of the project idea.

I agreed that we did enjoy each others company when we did projects (listed some of them).
I asked why we quit doing projects together

I never really got an answer…..but multiple times he repeated himself saying that we don’t do projects because they always turn into bad conversations of me bringing up the past.

Which is totally untrue. Why would he say that.?
ANYWAY.

So I try to explain that no…….look at it like a time line. Doing projects together is good, then something happens and we quit doing projects……identify what that something is, so that we can work it out and if whatever it is starts to creep in, we can identify it, and eliminate it.
I was not condemning, condescending, accusing, bringing up the past nothing.
I was actually ‘hopeful’ that we were making progress…..

It’s like he didn’t even hear me, he kept repeating himself.

I blow a fuse and scream I don’t want to talk anymore
He screams louder.
We get home.

I left and went shopping and we texted….and he said thiings like “please stop trying to convince me that I don’t love you” or “we can talk about the project thing your way, since that’s the only way you will discuss it”.(meaning we will talk about why we quit doing projects together and how do we keep from doing that again or seeing the warning signs early and addressing it then)

I told him he was playing evil head games.
He said “what are you talking about”
I said “sorry, schools out”.

It really is hopeless isn’t it.

farmrbrown · #2 12/23/12, 07:01 AM

Hard to critique when you weren't a witness to the whole thing.
But you did ask, so I'll try, and try nicely, lol.

If you can spend 2 hours talking in the car or hours on a project, and never once, never, bring up anything that ever occurred in the past......you are the rarest kind of woman on earth, lol.

Yes, the answer "sometimes" was a gut shot.
Us men know we can be a PITA, but we like to think, at least, that you're glad to see we came home anyways. That's one of those situations where complete honesty may not always be the best policy.
I can see where the rest of that conversation is going downhill.

Next, we get frustrated when we can't come up with an instant answer or solution.
Sometimes there just isn't one.
To look for a reason WHY you don't do projects together, may be to look for something that isn't there, I don't know.
Maybe there is, maybe there really isn't any reason. Just time constraints, didn't think about it, didn't have any real good ideas.....nothing that's really personally directed at you.

Just my 2 cents.

willow_girl · #3 12/23/12, 07:24 AM

Why are you still even engaging with this man?

I thought you were past that point already ... but if you're still trying to work things out with him, I'd suggest going to a good professional counselor.

WhyNot · #4 12/23/12, 07:49 AM

I guess I see something different. LauraZ5...are you expecting him to engage in conversation and discussion as if he were a woman? That is, are you expecting him to relate and absorb and discuss as you do? If so...it's never going to happen. He's his own person.

I said this in another of your threads and I'll say it again...I don't know either of you or the history but what I got from this relation was:

He suddenly realizes you don't love him and is hurt because he loves you.
He retreats because he doesn't know what else to do.
You are dismissing his observations while angry that he doesn't understand yours.

Again...don't know the history so I can only go on this one conversation. I don't know what all you have been going through as far as what you feel like he has done to you or has done to you...but if you want to save your marriage I also suggest counseling and it's not all about how wrong he is.

FarmboyBill · #5 12/23/12, 07:53 AM

I doubt if any of the good people in here, have enough experience with arguing to give you a effective or simi professional aguers view point. Good luck tho.

Laura Zone 5 · #6 12/23/12, 08:22 AM

farmerbrown:
He was having an affair for 8 months in 2011.
He has an addiction.
When I say "bring up the past', he told me to stop 'throwing the past in his face'.
(That means I am not allowed to ask questions, I am not allowed to ask why, I am not allowed to compare anything that is happening right now that looks a lot like what was happening then. I am not allowed to talk about the past, period. Yesterday is gone. Period. I am to completely forget and act like it never happened.)
So since August, when I tell you I have not mentioned the past, I mean, I have not.
I have sat silently, because I am not allowed to even elude to it.

I guess what I am lookin' for is what did "I" do wrong in this conversation.

Willow...I don't know why.
Hope?
Cause I really want it to work?
Cause I am sick in the head.
I don't know...
God help me.

Ardie/WI · #7 12/23/12, 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willow_girl

Why are you still even engaging with this man?

I thought you were past that point already ... but if you're still trying to work things out with him, I'd suggest going to a good professional counselor.

I would like to "LIKE" this at least five times!

Laura, I don't know how to gently say this, but, my friend, it's over. Over and done with. Quit beating a dead horse.

(((Hugs)))

wildhorse · #8 12/23/12, 08:47 AM

Hugs Laura this post has broke my heart simply because I have stood where you are. Here are a few questions you do not have to answer them on here but do think on them. Does he love you and does he want to work it out? If so why can you not bring up the past he needs to understand that you need this to help you heal. Everyone has free will you can not make anyone love you or stay they must make that choice for themselves if it were forced you wouldn't want it because it would not be real both of y'all need to choose what your individual paths will be and if it is togather work togather.

**Terri** · #9 12/23/12, 09:06 AM

Willow Girl is right: if you want to have heart to heat talks then get a counselor as a referee.

I do not think that either one of you is hearing each other, even though you are both using words. A counselor might help you folks understand each other. Your attempts to communicate are NOT! working!!!!!

cindilu · #10 12/23/12, 09:36 AM

I had a lot of thoughts going through my head and was agreeing with what Why Not wrote then you brought up the having a affair. Yep, right there it is over. At this point you have lost all trust, and there is no going back to the way things used to be. You can convince yourself over and over that things will change and be different if only you try harder and be more but truth is, once they have cheated that will always be in your memory every time you kiss or make love to your spouse. It will always be and come back to the other women.

If you BOTH really want it to work I would suggest going to counseling and they can give you BOTH the tools to work past the glitch and work on trust and even communication. You need to be able to tell your partner EXACTLY what you want from each other and be honest. Don't name call even when you are angry, because words can never be taken back. They will replay replay replay in your head every time something comes up.

Terri in WV · #11 12/23/12, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laura Zone 5

It’s like he didn’t even hear me, he kept repeating himself.

It sounds as if neither one of you are hearing and listening to each other.

I believe like WhyNot, if you want to save the marriage, go to counseling.

wildhorse · #12 12/23/12, 09:52 AM

Laura often cheating spouses pick fights and fault find when they feel guilty.

cindilu · #13 12/23/12, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildhorse

Laura often cheating spouses pick fights and fault find when they feel guilty.

That is very true, the last guy I dated was like that. All of a sudden he started picking and picking and getting angry all the time. He would get upset if I was 20 minutes late calling, if I was going to spend time with friends etc. Stupid stuff became an arguement. Turns out he was sexting and texting all these other women and the things he wanted to do to them.

. It all made sense to me and a lesson learned the hard way I guess.

wildhorse · #14 12/23/12, 10:13 AM

My ex swore it was over after I caught him...it never ended he is still seeing her the only thing phat slowed them down is she is still with her husband.

glazed · #15 12/23/12, 10:20 AM

...

How did you find out Cindi?

...

I've told Laura to poop, or get off the pot ... it was a sincere opinion, and I still have that sincere opinion.

...

cindilu · #16 12/23/12, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glazed

...

How did you find out Cindi?

...

I've told Laura to poop, or get off the pot ... it was a sincere opinion, and I still have that sincere opinion.

...

Glazed, you really do not want to know, just understand that when I saw what I saw it was enough to feel like I had been punched in the gut. I have no idea when he said any thing to me what was truth and what was a lie. I just know that in my heart I cannot go through hurt like that again and it is much better being single then opening up myself to trust again. I am good and it is okay, life has moved on, but it is moving according to my plan and that includes me only. I need to protect myself.

mickm · #17 12/23/12, 10:42 AM

Good advice here, go to a counselor.

Also keep in mind, we cant change others, and it takes determination to change ourselves.

It sucks, been there.

wyld thang · #18 12/23/12, 10:53 AM

Again, don't know anything about the relationship, the two of you involved etc. Just my feelings on the exchange presented above....

I read that the man is trying to talk to you and he told you a perfectly good and valid answer/reason for why you don't do projects together anymore. You call this answer a "non-answer". IE, there is nothing he can do that is good enough to facilitate communication with you and by you calling that a non-answer it tells him that you consider yourself blameless and above him--which nothing drives a man away faster than that. I see a man actually trying to work something out--and wow, his texts after the blow up are even more effort on his part to work things out. Just because you were "technically" not bringing up the past by being silent doesn't mean he wasn't getting non verbal communication from you that you ARE holding it in front of his face like rubbing a puppies' nose in his poop(doesn't work...).

Agree with WhyNot and Willow and Ardie and Laura(ha!). Go to a good counselor to referee you (though that is really hard to find a wise person)....and own what is yours to own.

Ardie/WI · #19 12/23/12, 10:57 AM

Laura, after rereading your first post, it sounds to me that the two of you don't even like each other anymore!

wyld thang · #20 12/23/12, 10:59 AM

Here is a couple examples of a non-answer--in counseling I asked my husband what he meant by "If you leave me I'll shoot myself in the head", and I said hearing those words made me feel sad. The first time he looked off into space and completely ignored the question. The counselor told me to ask again. I did, and my husband said, "you must have misunderstood me, you are too sensitive and your mind embellishes things". There is nothing to work with in that.