The thread I never wanted to write- VERY sad

jill.costello · #1 03/29/10, 10:14 AM

My darling Coffee had to be euthanised on Saturday, March 20th. It has taken me this long to write to you all, because the nature of her passing was so utterly unthinkable that I simply couldn't cope, and was out of my mind with the pain and guilt and anger.

This will be troubling for some of you to read, but I feel it's important; both for my own healing and for your knowledge. Forgive me if I ramble.

We left the house at 8:00am on Saturday morning. Chores were done, other goats in their pasture fed, dogs in their yard, fed, and Coffee in her yard, medication given, fed. We came home at 2:00pm and the dogs had escaped their yard by pushing through a "soft spot" in the wire mesh fencing. We couldn't find Coffee. We called and called, getting more and more frantic, until my boyfriend found her. She had been attacked and torn to pieces by my 4 dogs, but was still alive. Never in my 35 years of owning all kinds of animals have I seen such injuries on an animal that was still alive and semi-alert. It is a picture that is burned in my mind forever, and has taken a piece of me and twisted it to the point that I doubt I will ever be the "farmer" I thought I was.

Wailing, and in a state of hysteria, we somehow managed to get her in the backseat of the truck and drive her to the closest Veterinary Clinic we knew of; thankfully, just a few miles up the road, and even MORE thankfully, open on a Saturday. Bathed in her blood and sweat and both our tears, we held her while a well-meaning small animal vet tried for over 30 minutes to find a vein to end her suffering. Nothing worked; not a fore-leg, not a jugular, nothing. Finally a magnificent vet tech took the syringe from the doctor's hand, inserted it into her big, loving heart, and finished her off.

We went home, and beat those dogs. We beat them with a savagery I can't describe. And killing was in my soul, as the play-by-play "movie" of my darling baby's hours of torture played through my mind over, and over.

In the end, I didn't kill them. I ignored them, and hated them, and hated myself, and hated god, for day after day after day. We buried her under the canopy of the tree where she liked best to browse, and we see her everyday; peeking around the side of the house, lounging on the porch, poking her head over her gate, begging for grapes and kisses. And the tears roll down our faces, day after day after day. I don't know when they'll stop falling, for a funny little goat with a sick heart that I loved so well all these years.

I apologise for possibly ruining your day with my terrible news, but I have a request. I still have some issues I need to come to terms with about this whole thing, not the least of which is my anger with god. I have been unable to work things out with him, and I fear, in doing so, have not given her a proper "send-off" to the world beyond. If those of you who feel inclined could pray the peacful prayers that I have yet to be able to, I would appreciate it.

And, in honor of Coffee, check your fences.

farmmom · #2 03/29/10, 10:22 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss! I know you fought so hard for her. Doubly sad that it was your own dogs that did this. (((Hugs))) I will be praying for your peace and ability to move on. Please don't hold yourself responsible. You had everyone penned up to the best of your knowledge.

madness · #3 03/29/10, 10:26 AM

(((HUGS))) Oh, I can't even imagine Jill...

I think about Coffee a lot. I don't know what it was about that goat, but ever since the first time I read about her here, I found her to be a long lost goat friend. I will definitely wish her along her happy way in a place where her heart is strong and no disease or infection can bring her down again.

bloogrssgrl · #4 03/29/10, 10:26 AM

Jill, I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your beloved Coffee.

deineria · #5 03/29/10, 10:47 AM

I'm very sorry. Very sorry

I had almost the exact same thing happen with our Pygmy, Nell. She got her horns stuck
in the fence, and our Aussies basically tore her head off. Thankfully, I didn't find her. My husband did, and she was still alive, and I never went to see because I knew I'd have that mental picture. He shot her within minutes, and I am thankful for that. It was instant. In the future, keep in mind, a correctly placed bullet is OFTEN many times easier on the animal, but I understand hoping a vet could do it quicker and more painlessly.
Again, I am sorry. This happend to our doe just two months ago.
We didn't do anything to the dogs. . .dogs will do "dog" things. It is like euthanizing a Captive tiger for attacking a person. . .when he is just being a "tiger," however, a good deal of dogs would not have done this, and for that reason, it is best to rehome the dogs to places without livestock. We sent our two Aussies to a rescue, and they have since been adopted to great homes without small livestock

jill.costello · #6 03/29/10, 10:58 AM

Deinera, yes, they are Australian Cattle Dogs, and yes, I am looking for a suitable rifle/gun so I can do what needs to be done QUICKLY in the future. And yes, I have always "said" that dogs will be dogs....but that is certainly easier to say than to believe in the heat of the moment...

Alice In TX/MO · #7 03/29/10, 11:04 AM

Jill,
You are brave to have posted your tragedy, and I just want you to know I will be rebuilding fence this afternoon. Your purpose in making the post has been fulfilled.

In your situation, I'd put the dogs down. I wouldn't be able to look at them again.

My heart aches for you and Coffee.

Much love,
Alice

TJN66 · #8 03/29/10, 11:05 AM

If my dogs did they they would be dead.

Im sorry for your loss. (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

Kshobbit · #9 03/29/10, 11:25 AM

I truly feel your pain over the loss of your beloved goat Coffee. It was a terrible experience for her and for you. You are in my prayers and I hope you find that peace of mind again. Everything happens for a reason. I too have wondered what that reason could be and why an innocent has to suffer. ((((hugs)))) to you and may God bless you and keep you safe.

where I want to · #10 03/29/10, 11:28 AM

What a horrible thing to have to have seen- I'm so sorry for you.
A group of dogs are more likely to do such a thing- the pack mentality kicks in and the egg each other on. It is in the nature of dogs- a nature we use to guard us and socialize with us. Where one dog may not kill like that, two are much more likely.
I would find the dogs homes as I don't think I could keep them with the memory of such an ugly thing in my heart. But I couldn't blame them as if they are people- they are dogs and pack hunters and did what nature made them to do.
I hope that you can heal from this soon- it's hard. (((hugs)))

susanne · #11 03/29/10, 11:28 AM

so sorry for your loss.

shiandpete.1 · #12 03/29/10, 11:36 AM

Oh Jill I am typing this just sobbing for you and coffee. I am so sorry that this happened to you! I am going down p the barn right now to check fences, we have ACD's too and don't trust them ith the goats because it is their nature.

I don't pray much but am putting in a special one for you and for you to heal and to forgive God for letting this happen, Coffee is with Him now, she is once again healthy.

Sending my love and hugs your way.

AuntKitty · #13 03/29/10, 12:06 PM

I am so sorry this happened to you. Don't worry about your anger at God - he can handle it and will be there waiting when you come out the other side. Don't ask me how I know this.....

Kitty

rean · #14 03/29/10, 12:09 PM

I'm sorry about your goat.

I'd kill the dogs. Once they do this, they will do it again. The problem with having so many dogs is they become faithful to each other.

Ronnie H · #15 03/29/10, 12:40 PM

Jill,, very sorry for your loss & the fact it was your own dogs that did it,,,,

But you must destroy the dogs,,,my grand father raised sheep for many years & he had many sheep & lambs killed by PET dogs,,,once they taste blood,,dogs never forget,,& will kill again 1st chance they get.

Its very hard to acept,,,but is true fact....

Sorry but True,,, Ron

nehimama · #16 03/29/10, 12:52 PM

I'm so sorry. What a horrible end for Coffee, and so horrible for you and bf to witness. I hope that time will heal your heart, as it must have broken.

jen74145 · #17 03/29/10, 01:09 PM

I've seen what dogs can do too. *gentle hug* I will never ever trust them again, and honestly probably won't ever have another. Especially not with a child in the house, having seen what they really are capable of.

I can't even tell you how sorry I am you saw your friend like that. I would be a mess too.... finding a dead pet of mine that a dog had killed was wrenching enough. Circumstances what they were in our case, DH shot the offender immediately.

What's awful is that they WERE just being dogs, and people continue to trust them around helpless creatures thinking "Oh, he would never".... Yes. He would. He just hasn't had enough incentive yet.

Be easy on yourself. It's hard.

thaiblue12 · #18 03/29/10, 01:13 PM

Oh I am so sorry for poor little Coffee. I would have probably lost it in the vet's office when he could not find a vein. I am happy the vet tech there helped poor Coffee.

Unfortunately since you left with Coffee and came back later without her the dogs have no idea why they were punished. Since their brains forget stuff quickly they have forgotten all about it ( I know you never will!) and I would not trust them with the goats. I would call an Aussie rescue and send them off to homes without access to goats.

I do have to say that since all these goat attacks have been Aussies I keep a close eye on the small one I found a few months ago. I look at him differently since Deinera's attack and now this one makes me wonder even more. Granted he is only 8 pounds, has been butted by goats and fears them, is never outside alone with them but I still look at him and wonder if he is going to try to get the goats. He would probably be the one who ends up dead and my LGD would kill him.

QoTL · #19 03/29/10, 01:43 PM

(((hugs))) I am so sorry. I have not been following Coffee's story as long as the others, but I certainly hear the pain in your post.

Forgive yourself. This is no one's fault, it just happens sometimes.

RIP Coffee- run around those vibrant green meadows and be healthy and happy.

Wags · #20 03/29/10, 02:06 PM

So sorry for the loss of your beloved Coffee.

I agree that the dogs need to either be put down or rehomed ASAP.