I think the cows have been sabotaging my van.

Cheryl aka JM · #1 10/03/12, 08:41 AM

This is unbelievable, and I’m pretty sure we are really lucky to be alive today. This may long, and it’s gonna sound like my van is a piece of junk but it’s usually a very reliable rig~

So~ as many know I use my 97 Astro Van as a farm truck. It usually does a good job. Last week I needed to take two cows to the butcher. My neighbor Carol and I set about positioning the trailer to best suit the loading of two cows that probably don’t want to go for that last ride. I lose both power steering and power brakes on the van. Well~ frustrating but Thank God the problem developed BEFORE we had the cows loaded and were hurdling down the “Mountain” (very steep, winding hill, possible mountain we live at the top of). Carols borrows her husband’s truck and takes the cows to market for me, I get a new power steering pump put in the van (apparently that controls both the brakes and steering in a 97 Astro Van). Disaster averted and we are thankful it was no worse.

So yesterday~ I need to take one “small” Bull to the butcher. I’ve positioned the now repaired van (after plugging a slow leak in the passenger rear tire) and our only real concern at that point is the actual loading of the bull and the tires on the trailer. We only use the trailer once or twice a year and we worry about dry rot on it’s tires. The vans tires look good. So about 8am I set about trying to load the bull. He loads right in easy. Cool! That was easy!! So I notify Carol “I’ve got him! Lets go!!” and I drive around a little to keep the bull still. MOST animals will worry about keeping their feet under them when the trailer moves so driving around a little makes them get reasonably still. Not this “little” bull~ who somehow turns himself all the way around in the horse trailer….which I would have said was physically impossible until I saw him do it!!!! When Carol pulls up behind the trailer she informs me~ the bull has reared up and has his head and one foot over the back gate of the trailer!! “Get in~ Lets go!!” So off we fly trying to keep the rig moving so the bull has to concentrate on keeping his feet under him. We get down the “Mountain” THANK GOD and at the bottom I here “Boom!” We blew a tire!! Not a tire on the trailer, not the tire we plugged the day before~ the drivers rear tire has blown. Thank God at the BOTTOM of the “Mountain” but in the rain, with a Bull in the trailer who doesn’t plan to get all the way to the butcher, in a cell phone dead zone on a corner of a winding road! Trying not to panic (and admittedly failing some) I call road side assistance (repeatedly, reception was bad), it’s gonna take them over an hour to get to us. We scrounge the van for weapons to hold the Bull at bay. He’s not such a “Little” bull any more. In fact he is pretty darned big, mad and intends to get out of that trailer! It’s raining, traffic and chicken trucks are tearing by us, Carol has a rope halter and I have an aluminum and plastic window scraper we are beating the Bull with to keep him in the trailer. Basically we have a stick and a string to hold a ----ed off Bull in a trailer he has figured out how to get out of! Roadside assistance has helpfully sent me a text letting me know it’s gonna be more like an hour and a half before they get to us when all of a sudden Carol gets a text from her husband…….he’s lost his job.

How does one rejoice that the truck is now available to come help us and NOT look like a jerk when Carols husband was just dismissed?

So~ After a lot of cussing~ some more tenderizing of the Bull by beating him about the face and neck with the stick and string, Carol finally communicates to her husband that we need help and he should bring some bricks to chock the trailer tires (I wanted him to bring a gun cuz I was sure we needed to shoot the bull but Carol missed that part).

Eventually~ hours later it felt like but had to be pretty quick cuz roadside assistance still had not arrived, Carols husband arrives. The Bull has now been beaten into submission and stands quietly making Carol and I look like two over reacting lunatics standing ready for battle, huffing and puffing from our last skirmish with our stick and our string held ready for the next round!! Carols husband takes the trailer with the quiet bull to the butcher, roadside assistance shows up I get a donut on the tire. There is some confusion as far as where we left Carol and if I’m picking her up from the butcher or she is riding back with her husband but we get it figured out. All is ok……….

But Wait………..

So Carol and I feel like we need a break so she comes with me to get the tire on the van. We will spend some girl time shopping in Wally World while the van gets a new tire and an oil change.

“Cheryl Marchek please return to automotive to discuss your vehicle”

Wally World will not touch my van. The bolt that holds the drivers front wheel assembly to the van was missing the nut and backed most of the way out!!!!!!! WE JUST DROVE DOWN A MOUNTAIN HAULING A BULL WITH THAT VAN!!!!!!!! Yes~ now it’s a HUGE BULL and that is a MOUNTAIN! A Big one! I Don’t know how I didn’t pass out right there on the spot!!! There may have been some hyperventilating though.

So I did what had to be done. I bought some beer. I knew I was gonna need that beer later

We drove the van to my mechanic, sweating and praying now that we KNOW the front wheel is being held on with dirt and wishes! The mechanic hoists it up~ looks where Carol told him to look and doesn’t see a problem. I thought Carol was gonna have a come apart right there. I may have already been having a come apart, but Carol was now joining me in the hyperventilating. Carol flings herself under the van and points out the bolt “Oh~ yeah that’s a problem” he says. (BTW~ I think I need a new mechanic).

Carol is always my ride home. Carols car is at my house. Her husbands phone has died (and he already thinks we are over reacting lunatics because of the perfectly calm bull he pulled to the butcher) and no one else is home. We call her daughter who has to “quick finish a job”……three hours later she comes and fetches us and whats left of the beer. By that point I was drinking the beer. Carol threatened to never talk to me again if I got us arrested, but I figure if she was still talking to me after everything else that happened yesterday then not talking to me if I got her arrested for public intoxication was an empty threat.

tinknal · #2 10/03/12, 08:51 AM

OK, I'm literally laughing out loud right now. Glad everything worked out, and beer really is a universal balm isn't it?

Heritagefarm · #3 10/03/12, 08:54 AM

Wow. It's been "just one of THOSE days" for you hasn't it? I know the feeling. Time for you to take a day off! Sorry for you.
Um, are you keeping that van now?

Cheryl aka JM · #4 10/03/12, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heritagefarm

Um, are you keeping that van now?

I don't know. Its paid for....thats kind of a big deal....but the wheel falling off....that kind of is too

**gone-a-milkin** · #5 10/03/12, 09:10 AM

Whew! Thank goodness you had Carol with you though.
Imagine going through all of that completely by yourself.

That bull is going to be especially delicious after all this.

tallpines · #6 10/03/12, 10:28 AM

That's one day you will remember forever!

CJBegins · #7 10/03/12, 01:45 PM

Gives a whole new meaning to "watch this, hold my beer." Glad things turned out as nicely as they did. I do hate to hear about her DH loosing his job.

Take care of yourself!

ufo_chris · #8 10/03/12, 11:49 PM

LMBO,you should write a book "The adventures of Cheryl and Carol"

txplowgirl · #9 10/04/12, 12:08 AM

I'm sorry you and Carol had a very bad day but the way you wrote that just struck me as funny as hell. Needed a good laugh.

Dusky Beauty · #10 10/04/12, 11:58 AM

I don't even like beer (hate it in fact) but I would have had to have one too after a day like that

on the bright side, you're unlikely to have another that severe again for quite some time!

MO_cows · #11 10/04/12, 12:30 PM

Whew! Glad to see there was a trailer involved. The first paragraph it seemed you were hauling livestock IN the astro van! Glad it turned out all right, thanks for the laugh.

CarolT · #12 10/04/12, 11:16 PM

My daughter is threatening to get us matching T-shirts with a mushroom cloud on the back and "The Bobbsey Twins of Disaster" on the front...

farmgirl6 · #13 10/05/12, 05:03 PM

wow guys, he really didn't want to go to the butcher and brought Murphy on board to help him out! Very glad you are both okay!..we were talking about the van I had and actually used to bring home calves and such, loved it until one day it after I parked it tried to run over my best freind...so off it went

**gone-a-milkin** · #14 10/05/12, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ufo_chris

LMBO,you should write a book "The adventures of Cheryl and Carol"

Cheryl, you could write a heck of a book about all your animal adventures.
You have a wide and unique perspective on the topic.
I think you should do it!

Cheryl aka JM · #15 10/06/12, 07:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gone-a-milkin

Cheryl, you could write a heck of a book about all your animal adventures.
You have a wide and unique perspective on the topic.
I think you should do it!

LOL~ no one would buy that. Thanks for the compliment though!

WJMartin · #16 10/06/12, 10:02 AM

Cheryl, thanks for sharing your stories, I'm impressed with your resourcefullness when having to deal with potential disasters. Don't sell yourself short on your writing skills, read "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" by Jenni Lawsen, she has somewhat the same writing style and the book is her memiors sortof, best seller for 5 months, this could be you.

p.s. Wish you were close by, my DH is the best mechanic ever!

nehimama · #17 10/06/12, 10:36 AM

Whew! Glad you two survived all that! Did the bull survive!?

Cheryl aka JM · #18 10/06/12, 11:11 AM

He survived the trip but not the stay at the processor! He was a lot smaller than I thought too apparently~ 381lbs hanging....he sure seemed bigger than that when he was breathing fire out the back of the trailer!