Funny and/or unbelievable stories!

[oldtimer]

Funny and/or unbelievable stories!

If you have seen and read about my boys @ My boys! Pics. You already know they are conditioned to do just about anything I ask of them.

True story:
One day it was raining and I got stuck and even 4 wheel drive would not get me out.
My choice was to walk 5 miles in the poring rain to get a tractor, return and pull my truck out, return the tractor and walk back to get my truck.
I decided that was not an option!
So I asked my boys for a little help.

I pored some feed halfway up my truck bed, removed my tailgate and called my boys to come eat. I then jumped over the side of my truck and got behind the wheel.
When 3 boys got behind the truck and started pushing while reaching for the feed, almost without me stepping on the gas, they pushed me out of the mud hole.

I thanked them and we all lived happily ever after.
The end!
OT
PS Please feel free to add your Funny and/or unbelievable stories.

Do you know why gambling is illegal in Africa???
Because there are too many cheetahs.

[oldtimer]

Go figure!
Why do we call it a hot water heater when it heats cold water?

Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Why is it called a shipment when it is delivered by car and cargo when it is delivered by ship?


What is this?

Hair spray.
Had a pig with hemorrhoids once. We got 15 pounds of chitlings from him before we slaughtered him!!

Here's an oldie, now all I got to do is copy and paste.
One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."
"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said the man.
"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."
"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs." "And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."
"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you have to eat 'em real slow."

[oldtimer]

Funny or not so funny true story, depending if you are me or not.

The reason I am cleaning out by photo album is:
When I first got my camera I asked my wife to set up the photo album and she did a very fine job.
She had an album for every occasion.
Wedding picture
Births
Babies
The boys
The girls
Every holiday
Season of the years
Special events
Pets , etc etc etc
And one titled: “OT’,” all the way at the bottom, which I thought was for pics of me.

Well, it seems I was wrong!
Cows mating and bulls with problems with their most valuable tool do not belong in “ wedding pictures”.
Cows giving birth and/or who have prolapsed do not belong in “births”.
Sick cows and calves do not belong in “special events”.
Calf poop does not go in “babies”.
"Deaths", do nor include postmortem, calf or cow or bull or and (devise to restrict the flow of water)thing else.

I think you get the picture! They ALL belong in OT’s album.
And that’s how the fight began.
I am just now staring to receive hot meals again but God only knows when all my marital privileges will be restored.
That is why I am cleaning out all my, correction, HER photo albums.
OT

[oldtimer]

And one more thing!
It wasn’t my fault! I wasn’t the one who gave out the password to photo bucket to all our family and friends so they could pick out pics they wanted!!
So there!
I rest my case!
OT

[cathleenc]

snort!!!

[tinknal]

I was around 12 years old and I wanted to show a heifer in 4-H. We had about 8 registered Angus replacement heifers. It was my job to take care of them. Dad worked 6 days a week as milk man and I did most of the cow chores. I had one picked out as the best. Of course to my 12 year old mind, the biggest one was the "best" one. So I started taming her down, spending time with her, etc. I would sit on a bucket in the barnyard and feed her grain, scratch her ears, and so on. She got pretty friendly. Six or eight weeks before the fair I asked Dad to help me halter break her. I figured it would be a cinch. Well Dad comes out, I point out "my" heifer, and he just laughed. He pointed to another heifer and said that is the one you want. Of course in retrospect, he was right. She was a nice, well built, typey Angus. Of course she was also the most miserable witch in the bunch. Not just wild, but mean. She would take every chance she had to kick you and at one time got me right in the stomach full force. Well, there was nothing to do but get at it.
We got a halter on her, snubbed her up, and I went to work taming her down. She would pull, sling her head, stomp her feat, charge, kick, and so on. I spent the whole summer with rope burned hands. I got her to the point where I could somewhat get her to go where I wanted. The day of the project tour, where all the club members went around to everyones farms to see their projects before the fair, should have been an omen to me. I had her all slicked up, washed and combed, and tied to the hitching rail. When we got there she was nowhere to be found. She somehow untied herself and got loose. She made it to the neighbors corn field and it took 2 days to catch her.

On to the fair. One of the families in the club had a big goose neck stock trailer and he volunteered to take everyones livestock to the fair grounds. We put 2 rope halters on the heifer and hoped for the best. We told them that we would meet them there in a half an hour. about 15 minutes the phone rings. She was loose! They had lead her out of the trailer, the trailer owner and his 18 yo son each holding one lead rope. she looked around, decided this wasn't her scene, and bolted. She ran from the barns, through the steam engine display, past the 4-H food stand, and straight through the Midway. Of course there was pandemonium. Half the crowd, being farm folk were chasing her, and the other half, being townies were running for their lives. She got to the snowfence border of the fairgrounds and never broke stride as she cleared the fence with room to spare. Meanwhile, my Dad and me were tearing into town. We knew that if she made the nearby Mississippi river bottoms we would be lucky to ever see her again.

The road away from the fairgrounds ran along a man made lake. As she left the vicinity she now had people chasing her on foot, on horseback, in pickups, and at least one motorcycle. She just couldn't take on this kind of pressure. She turned and jumped into the lake. She quickly learned to swim. She headed for deep water. Brian, the trailer owners son, and another teen jumped right in after and started swimming. Just for comic relief, there was a speed boat stalled in the water and a girl with water skis in the water. Of course she was convinced that the one and only reason that a cow would be in the lake and swimming towards her was because it wanted to do her some sort of mischief. She was screaming hysterically.

Eventually, the boys caught up with the heifer on a convenient sand bar. They got ahold of the ropes and someone magically appeared with a rowboat. Somehow they returned the beast to shore. They got her back up the bank and snubbed up to a pickup. Remember that Dad and I had still not arrived. We got there as they were leading her back to the fair, tied to the truck, with 2 soaking wet lads sitting in the back of the truck.

It was the event of the fair. As I would lie on my tack box, trying to take a nap in the ensuing days, people would walk by, point and whisper (is that the one?)

Thankfully we made it through the fair with no further disasters.

[Timberline]

About 8 years ago, when I was still raising Dexters, I had a bull that was about 4 years old. He was gentle in that he respected my space and was easy to work with, but he didn't want to be right with people.

One day I looked out the window and all the cattle were staring in rapt attention across the pasture. I looked where they were staring and saw a decent sized black bear, probably a two year old. I ran for my camera and went out near the cattle. The bear ambled along the fence line, then dropped down over a bank into the trees along the creek. I followed along at a safe distance, getting pics with my telephoto lens.

My bull left his cows and followed me. When I lost sight of the bear, I headed back toward the house at a slow walk. The bull trotted ahead, then stopped and waited for me. When I was too slow for his taste, he came back and got behind me, following closely for a few yards, then trotting ahead again. He did this half a dozen times and escorted me past his cows and all the way to the gate, about half a mile or so. He didn't head back to the herd until I was through the gate and headed for the house.

I had the bull for a few years and that was the only time he showed any interest in being where I was. It was extremely cool!

[genebo]

My bull, Brenn, was standing at the gate, waiting for a slice of bread. Smoke, the fainting goat wether, was standing beside him. Brenn turned to Smoke and snorted. Smoke fainted, falling flat on his side with his legs stiff and outstretched.

Brenn realized that this wasn't the way things should be, so he stuck a horn under Smoke and stood him up. Then he turned back and got his bread. Smoke slowly regained muscle control and staggered off.

Genebo
Paradise Farm

[tinknal]

Originally Posted by genebo

My bull, Brenn, was standing at the gate, waiting for a slice of bread. Smoke, the fainting goat wether, was standing beside him. Brenn turned to Smoke and snorted. Smoke fainted, falling flat on his side with his legs stiff and outstretched.

Brenn realized that this wasn't the way things should be, so he stuck a horn under Smoke and stood him up. Then he turned back and got his bread. Smoke slowly regained muscle control and staggered off.

Genebo
Paradise Farm

That reminds me. This was when I worked on a ranch in Montana. Registered horned Herefords. We had an up close calving lot that we kept thye close up heifers in. We would also run older cows in there if we caught them when they looked close. Two older cows laid down and started calving abot 10 feet from each other. My foreman and I just sat on a grassy hillside outside the fence and watched. The first cow calved and started licking off her calf. The second cow calved about a minute later. The calf was born entirely encased in the birth sack. Of course the boss and I both instantly sprang to our feet to rescue the calf, but before we made it 2 feet the other cow (who was standing there licking off her calf) dashed over and hooked a horn under the struggling and drowning calf and gave it a flip, freeing it from the birth sack. She gave the calf a couple of licks and it started breathing. Of course we both thought that she would now try to claim that calf, but after the calf started breathing she just turned and walked back to her own calf. The calfs mother got up, and started licking her calf. My boss and me just stood there and stared at each other, as if to confirm what we had just seen.

[randiliana]

Hmm, having lived all my life around livestock there have been some amazing and some hilarious things happen. This one sticks out.

We had this young cow, once that had gotten sick with pneumonia a couple months before calving. Likely she had had it as a calf, and it had damaged her lungs, and this was a relapse. But anyways, we had been babying her along to get the calf out of her, hopefully before she died on us. We succeeded this time and she dropped a 50 lb heifer calf. Of course mama had no milk and really no desire to be a mama, so while waiting for a possible cow to adopt this calf on, we were bottle feeding it. No problems there, it figured we were mama to it.

So, I am at work one day (I work at the local stockyards), which to be honest, is not very often in the spring time. And I get a phone call from DH, he says that he has LOST this calf. And, I ask is some shock "It DIED!?:. And he says, NO, I LOST the calf, and I can't find it anywhere!

So I get the whole story from him. Another cow had lost her calf, so he had gotten her in to hobble her so he could adopt the baby onto her. (The hobbles prevent her from kicking or running away from the calf when it tries to suck.) So while he was doing this, he had the calf in a "safe" place where it was out of the way while he was working with the cow. As it turns out prospective mama was not enamored of either being an adopting mother OR being handled by a human and it had taken him over an hour to get the hobbles onto her.

So finally he gets he gets them onto her and goes to get the calf from where he left it, so it can suck the cow while she is still in the chute, and ..... It is not THERE! He looked everywhere, and it was simply gone!!

So he called me, maybe I had some idea of where it could have gotten too. Keep in mind that a 50 lb calf can fit through a pretty small place, it had squeezed through the gate and taken off on him. So I am thinking, well, it can't really have gone too far, the pen it got out into is all sheep fenced. It HAS to be in there somewhere, and it is only a couple acres in size. And I tell him this, which of course he already knows, and has already searched the pen. So he goes out and takes another look and still can't find this calf.

As it turns out, he searched that pasture several more times, and about 4 or 5 hours later he finally found the calf. It had gotten into the farthest corner and laid down amongst some weeds, and there it stayed for the whole afternoon. In the end, it did suck the cow, and after a few days she decided it was hers and she raised it up to be a fairly good calf.

[MO_cows]

We had some comedy/drama with our very first calf. At the time, we only had the calf, his momma and a yearling heifer, plus two older horses. We have one cross fence and we had closed it to separate the horses. After 3 days, it was getting to be a pain to keep water to the horses since we only have one water source. The horses weren't paying any attention to the calf anymore so I opened the gate. All was calm so I went in the house. A few minutes later, the phone rings and it's hubby calling on his cell phone, GET OUT HERE AND GET YOUR BLANKETY BLANK HORSES.

After we came inside, the nosy horses had noticed the open gate and crossed over. They thought they really needed to sniff the calf and check it out. They came at a trot. Calf took off running one way, his stupid mother went the other way. Horses followed calf, who ran the length of the paddock and right thru a 4-strand barb wire fence. When he hit the road on the other side he kept running. At the end of our road there is a T intersection. He turned south, still running hard. About 1/4 mile down that road he veered off into a plowed field and disappeared into the treeline between fields. Hubby jumped in the truck and headed after him. I was watching my grand-daughter, about 2 at the time, so I had to bundle her up and bring her with me, I was late to the party. We start combing the trees and brush looking for the calf. Found him tangled up in some bushes. When he saw us he tried to run again, out into the field which is a black sticky heavy clay soil the locals call gumbo. The type of clay that more of it sticks to your feet with every step. We all had 10 pound mudballs on our feet by the time we got out of that field. As we get back to the road I can hear the baby screaming, as I had to leave her in my car. Hubby puts the calf in the bed of the truck and my dad sits on him to keep him there and we go back home. The calf was still panting hard and his eyes looked wild. We just knew he would go into shock and die. We put him and his mother back together in the corral. He nursed, took a nap and showed no aftereffects from his ordeal. Not a scratch on him from going thru the fence. But if we wouldn't have seen where he went we would have had a heckuva time finding him before the coyotes did.

[oldtimer]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those SOBs at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna
*
*
* What is this?
It is a ???????????
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/a...nies/pun29.jpg

Mercedes Bends

[oldtimer]

What is this?
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/a...nies/pun25.jpg

[oldtimer]

As the young Mr. Grace on “Are you being served” would say, “you all have done very well“.

I really enjoyed reading all your stories.
You all get a
Keep them coming.
OT

PS: For those who are curious, here is a pic of me.
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/a.../Icons/4bb.gif

[FEF]

We were visiting friends one Saturday and they wanted us to walk out to the pasture and see the Angus cows they had consigned to a sale. When we got to the pasture, it was obvious one had calved and the calf had gone across the fence. She still had some afterbirth hanging out and was running back and forth along the north fence. So we hopped the fence to look for the calf. Four horses came running up to us, stopped, but ran off when we tried to approach them. So we spread out, looking for a calf. We knew it was going to be a difficult job because while our friend's pasture was clear, across the fence it was brushy and high grass. But we started walking and the four horses came back, stopped, and ran off again. Someone remembered there were usually six horses on the place and wondered about the other two. So when the four came back and ran off, he followed them and found the new calf, still damp, curled up at the feet of the other two horses. Picked the calf up and stuffed him back across the fence with his momma. He promptly tried to come back through the fence to the horses. So he hopped the fence, picked the calf up again and took him to the corral, mom following. He shut them up in a pen, made sure the calf nursed and all was well. The six horses were all running and jumping. They seemed to be very proud of themselves. If I hadn't seen that, I never would have believed it.

[tinknal]

OK, here is a story that I only heard second hand, but dearly wish that I had been on hand to witness.

This happened to my old boss. The ranch had a heifer calving lot. One day a heifer was calving. The head and front legs were showing, but she seemed to be stuck. He always carried an OB chain in his pocket. He figured he could sneak up on her and give her a hand. He made a loop in both ends of the chain and slipped them over his wrist. He snuck up behind the heifer, grabbed a foot of the calf, slipped one end of the chain over it, snugged it up, and.......... the heifer looked back, seen this man messing with her nether regions, and jumped up and took off like a shot! Now remember, one end of the chain is attached to the calf, which is still firmly attached to the cow. Remember too that that the other end of the chain is still attached to his wrist. Now he was a short man. He had to take 3 steps to make 2 of mine, but on that day he was taking strides that would drive an Olympic triple jumper to fits of jealousy. He got a speed tour of every inch of that calving lot that day.

I don't remember how he extricated himself from this situation, frankly, I was laughing so hard I don't think I heard the end of the story.

[oldtimer]

I have a similar one.

A fellow was showing me his cows out in the field. Cows seemed fine and friendly.
We spot some barb wire around one’s leg.
He says let me get my lasso and you can hold her while I take the wire off, she‘s a pretty calm cow.
Well he lasso‘s her and before he can get a half hitch on her, she takes off.
He quickly wraps the rope around his arm several time and takes a firm hold onto the rope with the same hand, leaving one hand free.
He can’t hold her and she is pulling him through the woods, so he quickly runs around a tree, and making one lap around the tree before the cow reaches the end of her rope, that stopped her.

So she backed up a little and gave it all she had while he was hanging on for all he was worth.
All I heard was Ssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz from the rope going around the tree and @#$%$^&^&**(^&^%%$$##@!@!$#$%%&*& Cow!

All I saw was a man going around a tree like I have never seen a man do before or after. Legs and one arm were just a flying all ways.
After he got untangled from the tree he must have taken leave of his senses as he started leaving go of the rope slowly as it was still wrapped around his arm.
I have never seen rope burn like that before or after.

OT