Unsupportive spouse...

The longer you are together the more you learn to just say what needs said. My DH is a hard worker and always has been but many years ago I was working a part time job as a nurse aid, running a farm, raising three kids oh and yea I was a full time student. I left Sun open so I could have a day to re-coup and enjoy church. I also left Wednesdays open for rest. I got up at 9 am, did a quick run of letting the livestock out on grass and started classes at 10:00 am, yep I was quick and it was only a mile to the school, I went to class until 2:00 pm ( asked the daycare to not have them take naps. I picked my kids up from daycare and went home and we took an afternoon nap. We usually woke up around 3 pm. We played and ate dinner and did chores and then went down for bed around 7:30 pm. I woke up at 10 pm and was ready for my 11-7 shift at the nursing home( I had a very good friend who also worked at the nursing on 7-3 and she would come sleep at my house to watch the kiddos, the NH knew our arrangements so the few extra minutes it took one of the other of us to arrive at work was ok). After my shift I fell into bed for another few hours (kids were under 5 so no public school yet) Sometimes I would fall asleep in my literature class during a film and the instructor would let me sleep and wake me when class let out. She knew what I was doing. Oh yea, I was pregnant as well.

I never complained and since my DH traveled for work I always had the house in order when he got home on Friday evenings. Moral of this story is he always made it seem as though he was so tired and worked harder than I could imagine. One Wed. they were working in a town about 3 hours away so the kids and I decided to go visit. We got there around 6 pm. He and his guys were all in the pool playing and laughing and having a good ole' time. Now I don't have a problem with them having fun but I was exhausted and was hearing a bunch of BS IMO. He was working an 8-5 job and getting to relax and have fun in the evening. This was a huge changing point in our relationship. Things were a changin or I was a leavin.

My point is that sometimes we assume they know we need the help or we assume they "get it." That is not always the case. Dad working 8-5 and doin what he wanted after was the way my DH grew up. It was normal to him. Difference was his mom was a stay at home mom. Never worked outside the home or went to college. I had never taken the time to let him know just what he should be doin to help me out. After that it was a whole different life. He had me quit working at the nursing home and made sure we had everything we needed for the week. Soon he was able to transfer to a local ODOT yard as the supervisor and not travel.

That was over 25 years ago and he brings it up often. He is ashamed of himself and expresses it often. I don't blame him at all. I should have told him what I needed of him at the get go instead of keeping it inside and letting it fester. I didn't fight or scream and yell I just simply turned around with the kids and came home. I didn't answer the phone but when he got home Friday eve. the kids were in bed and dinner was on the table and the discussion began.

Hang in there and remember maybe he doesn't really know. We as women sometimes assume men know what we are thinking and that is far from the case. As far as keeping it all in for the sake of peace ... yea ummm that works until you blow a gasket and then it is usually finished.

Incidentally, I had a husband who dropped his dirty clothes wherever they fell and I solved that problem by only washing whatever was in the laundry basket.

He'd be roaring about no clean clothing and I would mildly say "You must have something clean. I just washed everything that was in the laundry".

That was the only thing I ever said about his clothing, but eventually, he figured out how to put his dirty clothes into the laundry basket.

I know from past experience that doing it all will cause you to be resentful and after awhile you just have no respect for them. I was angry and resentful with my former husband because he worked an 8 hour day, came home and watched TV all night (except when he came up to eat supper) and the only chore he ever did was mowing the yard. Any feelings I had for him just went away. Mind you I was also working an 8 hour day and taking care of my daughter as well as everything else..... everything.

Talk about this with your husband. Just because he works overnight does not mean he has to sleep all day (8 hours should do him) and that leaves time to do other things. And the weekends.... why can't he mow? Just ask him to help you decide what to do to make your life a little easier. My ex had no clue and when I asked him to help with something he acted like I was asking so much. Only after our divorce did he actually get it, when he had to do everything at his own home by himself.

My current DH is so much like me that we work very very well together. Any small thing that might bug us is not mentioned because we love one another enough to give that 100% and both of us do.

Good luck. But just don't keep going down the same road and not make change.

Lol...I'm the same way with my shoes!

DH is an engineer. When they know what to do and when to do it, engineers excel at all tasks.

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I came for the cat's-eye and stayed for the Tightwad!

A lot of the behavior in our adult lives is what we saw happen in our childhood. Good, bad or indifferent we take it all in and file it away. I have heard a perfectly intelligent sister in law say when I told my husband "it's your turn to change the diaper" "NO, men do not have to change diapers" and she did it. I'm still smoking after 30+ years.

The point I'm making is, whatever decisions we make in life are all being witnessed and filed away for future reference by our kids. So pray for wisdom and do the best you can. What works for one family may not work in another family. I did find, though, that going to church, where hard work, respect for parents and children and the elderly and a belief that there was someone higher up taking note of our actions 24/7 seemed to have a positive effect on our general well-being. Sort of rope us in and get us back on track. Peer pressure works on all ages...

YES!! This is what happened to me. I realized at some point over the last almost 20 years, we were not on the same page. He walked out on the family, said one thing and did the opposite. I now have a partner who works alongside me with the animals, planting, the whole thing.

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Proverbs 16:9 A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.

We all grow and we all change and a lot of our growth and change comes through the influence of others.

A couple of very simple rules of life are that when we know better we do better and we teach people how to treat us.

Learning is constant. And if you don't wake up each morning thinking about how you can make the lives of your partner and children better then there is not much point in having either. And if they are doing the same then you have a solid foundation to build a life on.

No one is too young or too old to learn and change. A 4 year old may forget to flush the toilet after a bowel movement so we remind then and teach them until it becomes a habit. An adult man/woman who does this also needs to be reminded and taught until it becomes a habit since it is clear that he/she reached adulthood without learning a common decency and courtesy.

I am not the person I was when I met my husband and he is not the person he was. Even after one year together we had made adjustments to be more comfortable with each other. We could do this easily because it was not a competition and we had nothing but good will towards each other. We chose each other nearly 40 years ago and we have changed for each other. This is not about bullying or nagging but about showing your partner respect and support and acknowledging that you may have to do things differently for them as they will have to do things differently for you.

An adult man who leaves his dirty clothes lying around the living room has no respect for his home, his children or his wife (partner). Go ahead and keep picking up after him but try leaving a dirty diaper or used sanitary pad on his work bench and see if he will pick up after you. Of course you would not do it because it is disrespectful and not his responsibility - unless he is changing the diaper.

You can make as many excuses as you like about "being accepting" but if you even mention it the reality is that whatever it is really does bother you. Those who refuse to change and meet the needs of their partner will eventually drive that person away either emotionally or physically.

To my way of thinking, "being mommy" would be nagging him to do what I think he should do. But I'm his lover, not his mother. I'm not bringing up a boy ... he's a man. He's "finished," for better or worse. (Which are, perhaps not coincidentally, words included in the marriage vow ... hmm.)

So he's gonna do what he's gonna do. It's up to me to decide whether the compromise is acceptable. In my case, it is, because DBF does so many fabulous things for me on a daily basis that it's easy for me to overlook his minor flaws.

I wonder if he would say the same thing about me?

I really don't know. I don't feel I do all that much for him. I do try ... For instance, when I moved in, he mentioned how much he hated washing dishes, so I said, "Fine, as long as I live here, you'll never have to wash a dish again." And for the most part, that's been the case. There have been a couple times I've gotten jammed up time-wise and he's offered to do them for me because he knew I'd stress about either being late or leaving them in the sink. I know he really loves me because I know he really hates washing dishes!

Resentment? Sure, you can cultivate that if you want to. You have "rights" after all! I've ruined perfectly good marriages that way. These days, I'd rather let the little things go. Having a happy and harmonious household is more important to me than who picks up the dirty socks. Why would I make my mate feel bad over such a silly thing?

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"I love all of this mud," said no one, ever.

Why do you need a spouse to do what you do? I'm spouseless and still manage. Not quite as well as if I had an interested partner, but I get all things done...in my time.

I realize I have limited time to do some things, so I don't do them. Naturally, some things I don't like to do have to wait until it's necessary.

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I'm a herd quitter, born and bred! Never been curried below the knees!

As the husband in my relationship who works the 12 hour rotating shifts I understand how things are different when you work night shifts. If he's not being held to a certain schedule due to work, does he tend to be a morning person or a night person? Maybe he would benefit by changing his schedule to staying up after work till 12-2pm then sleeping till work. Maybe his hours of being motivated are different than yours. So when he is wide awake and ready to get stuff done, your going to bed for the night, meaning now he has to be quiet as to not wake you or the kids. Does he get adequate sleep during the week? I know its hard to get a good nights(days) rest when your trying to sleep during the day when there is a busy household just on the other side of the bedroom door. I work with multiple people who don't get sufficient sleep when working nights due to spouses that don't understand that they still need a set number of hours of sleep even when they are on the opposite schedule as said spouse.

I also believe that every relationship is different and how you split the duties is up to you and your husband. I am the one in my family that does 99% of the gardening, plus taking care of the birds, and do most of the cooking(when I'm home). My DW does all of the laundry and the majority of the work raising the kids (3yo and 6 months). I think I've done about 2-3 loads of laundry in the past 5 years. Both times I did it wrong from her point of view.

One thing I haven't read through the whole discussion is what does your husband do with his time off? What jobs does he do around the house? I don't see how taking out the trash or mowing the lawn have to be assigned to the guy because he is the guy. If he is awake, drop the kid in his lap, tell the kid that he needs some daddy time and go do whatever you have/want to do.
With our place, I haven't gotten around to mowing yet this year so my front lawn is about 1 foot tall. But that's part of the reason I never want to live in city limits.


Now if your husband is just working, sleeping and eating, then he needs to help with some of the tasks around the house or yard.

A postscript: Right after I posted the above last night, DBF came out of the bathroom and remarked that he'd had to clean out the drain because it was stopped up again. I have a bad habit of trimming my hair over the sink and then rinsing it down the drain ... oops.

He made a little joke of it, claiming we must have a long-haired dog somewhere in the house who was responsible, and going around calling, "Lassie? Lassie?"

I can only imagine how humiliating it would have been if he had given me a lecture instead.

Sometimes a little grace in a marriage is a good thing!

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"I love all of this mud," said no one, ever.

To comment on something or request a change is not a lecture. Grace and humour are very important in dealing with any situation - in or outside of a marriage. But how much more graceful and respectful would it be for you to just learn a new habit - to put the plug in when you trim your hair and clean it out with a bit of tissue - saving him the mess in the first place. Or clean out the drain yourself.

I agree with this completely. But from the OP's posts I get the impression she isn't getting anything in return. My spouse is like yours, we each do little things for each other and we each pick up the slack where the other person needs it. It's really easy to overlook the things that I just can't understand why they do it that way or don't do something at all since the relationship is solid and caring overall. If everything was on my shoulders and all I got was the bills paid and added chores from their hobby I don't think I could be so pleasant.

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"You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me." C S Lewis

Certainly speaking up is preferable to silently seething with resentment -- that will kill a marriage faster than anything. And I should know; I've had four of 'em.

But there are alternatives to being resentful, and you can choose those, too, if you want. Remember that even when you can't change another's behavior, you can decide how you'll respond. It's all a matter of perspective ... and if there's anything I've learned, it's that it's probably profitable to ruminate on your own shortcomings and your mate's good traits, and not the other way around.

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"I love all of this mud," said no one, ever.

I am in yr 10 of my first marriage- and last- DH is in yr 10 of his Third.. and his last-
he asked me- before we married- I don't want it to bother you that you are my third wife- I said " I don't give a hoot what number I am as long as I am the last one- and the right one"
that being said- his other 2 only lasted 5 yrs each- .... we figure yea- we are in it for the long haul now
it doesn't matter the number - he was 19 when he married the first time- not ready at all- the second time- she was mean as cat poo to his daughter- not a good match-
parents need to teach and raise children to be good partners- ( notice I didn't say spouses so as not to offend)

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"If you can find a nice pretty country girl that can cook and carries her bible, now there's a woman." - Phil Robertson

CEO and President of SWS (Skirt Wearing Society)

For those who are down on the husband..unless you have worked 3rd shift you have no clue.... I worked 3rd shift for 17 yrs and you actually only get a day and half off and most times you are so tired you dont want to do much of anything. I worked Mon morning(12am) through Friday morning (8am)...means my first day off I had already been up at least 12 to 14 hrs.

Since I slept from 1 or 2 pm until about 9pm during my work week come my days off I either stayed up 24 to 30 hrs to be with my family and do things around the house or I spent most of my day/night sleeping and getting up when it was about 1 or 2 am. I have been known to be cleaning stalls at 2am in the morning, hanging out clothes on the line, or cooking meals for the next week. Saturday you are usually in bed by at least 4pm you might be lucky if you make it until 7pm. By Sunday you are finally getting into the normal routine of the rest of the world BUT yet you have to go to bed Sunday afternoon because you have to go back to work that night. During the week when i got off work, I would try to do errands, come home feed animals and do any office work for our fence company.

DH worked at the fire dept at the time...24 on and 48 off, on his days off he worked our fence company so he worked 7 days a week...It was hard for him to want to do much of anything if and when he got a day off, so most of it was left up to me.

Although I am sure the husband could find time to do the things he needs to do to help out I can see both sides of the coin...otoh, if the wife really wanted the help I am sure she could put more demand on him (some call it nagging..lol) But it takes two to make a marriage work and two to tear it apart~ DH and I have been together for 18 yr and the man still drops clothes everywhere(including on the freezer in the kitchen) and we are both retired right now. And I still bring a ton of hay into the house on my clothes...lol You pick your battles and I knew what I was marrying when I got married...

for him to enjoy his weekends and for you not to...His help could relieve you, and you both could enjoy some downtime.

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SE Wisconsin

It is sad because the husband is missing out on the children's lives and being a father, and the kids don't really have a dad, as well as the fact he isn't pulling his weight around the family.

It sounds like the husband needs different job. At this time in his life nights don't work.

What I love about living in the country (homesteading if you like) is I don't have to put up with lots of stupid rules and can do what I want when I want or get to it. The rest can just wait. I don't have a need to have things perfect,or impress or please someone I don't know.

True, but with things like they are in the economy I am not sure it is a good time to just up and try to change jobs if you are not pretty secure financially anyway. She doesn't work outside the home and I am not sure the farm is quite ready to support the family yet. Just my opinion.