Unsupportive spouse...

There is a lot of advice being given here with very little real information on the situation. If the 5 horses are his and you don't ride, then they are his hobby and he needs to take care of them himself. However, how much of the "too much" work you do is your idea and not his. Are you saying he never helps with the children? Working an 8 to 5 is not an 8 hour thing it turns out to be more like a 10 or 11 hour thing.

There is necessary work in any living situation. He needs to take care of his necessary work and you need to take care of yours. Other work is voluntary...one spouse shouldn't be volunteering the other.

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Moving to that big black hole in the night satellite photo. (also the hole in cell phone coverage )

I agree lots of awesome advice.. but not alot of detail from the OP... dh and I both work outside the home.. grant it... we dont have animals, but we do as much as we can to be self reliant... he helps me can, preserve, clean, garden...we garden our own acre and another 4 at our work share... it is 50/50 ... that being said- he has chores I dont go near unless he is away and I have chores he doesnt go near unless I am away...
Laundry-cleaning the bathroom for me and trash and grass cutting for him... but that is an unspoken 'I love you" thing... like I love you enough here are 2 things you hate so I do them..

Wanting your dh to take out the trash and pick up his clothes doesnt seem like a huge request... my brother worked 3rd shift for half his life he still got that done

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"If you can find a nice pretty country girl that can cook and carries her bible, now there's a woman." - Phil Robertson

CEO and President of SWS (Skirt Wearing Society)

I'm not sure that was the meaning. But I do feel grateful for the reminder.

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I came for the cat's-eye and stayed for the Tightwad!

RRF

Communication is key.
Sit down with your dh and talk to him about the situation.
You two come to an agreement, and then move forward.

This has to be a 'team' effort, or this will be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

My first MIL worked 3rds.
She mowed the lawn, painted her house, hung wall paper, raised kids, grocery shopped, paid bills etc.

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I am sure of two things: There is a God, and I am not Him.
The movie Rudy

If all the OP wants for her husband to do is mow the lawn, take out the trash and pickup his clothes -- while she does everything else, that isn't at all too much to ask IMHO.

It means he only has to dedicate 1 to 2 hours a week in helping his family. Picking up his clothes and taking out the trash is less than 5 minutes a day. Mowing about an hour or so. If more than that, mow around the house an hour or so worth and let the rest go to pasture. This means, if he's off 2 days a week, it leaves him 46 other hours to do whatever he wants. When is his wife's day off? She doesn't get one and bless her heart, she doesn't even complain about it or even want one. She just asking for 2 hours a week of his time to help with a home that is his too.

Bringing home a paycheck isn't all there is to providing for your family. It also means providing your wife with support in her job as well. 2 hours of help a week isn't too much to ask for nor expect.

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"Challenges are what make life interesting -- overcoming them is what makes life meaningful."

Let the housework and yard work go. Him and the kids live there, and eat there. They should be helping anyway.

Pasture a critter on the lawn. That will rid you of lawn mowing.

just some ideas

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I LIKE what Michiganfarmer says! LOL!

For my city-boy DH, what would work is something specific like this: I need more help around the place. I figure we can either buy a riding lawn mower of perhaps you can mow the lawn for me. I do not care if you use a push mower or a riding mower. Either way is good but using the walking mower is getting to be too much for me".

Then let him choose.

I know that riding mowers are expensive, but every store that has them takes payments. He might LOVE! a new John Deer, as boys love toys! But, you can also see used ones for sale at times next to the road. I suspect they are very much cheaper.

Personally I intend to mow a bit today: it is about 60 degrees and the sun is shining. I will drive in circles, and stop the machine at the fruit trees and see how good the fruit set is this year. When the kids were little I used to do it when DH was home and he would watch cartoons with them on his lap while I mowed: it was a peaceful time for me and DH was happy as he was not expected to mow! Both kids are grown now, and the oldest has left home, so I now mow when the grass is long and the day is lovely.

I still enjoy it.

I absolutely do understand the time crunch for a homesteading Mom with small kids, though. Let the laundry on the floor go: it only bugs you because you are overloaded and mad. Mowing, though, takes a good bit of time and so there you for SURE need help! My own solution was getting their Father to watch the kids while I drove in circles and enjoyed the fresh air. Your own solution may be different but as long as it suits the two of you it will be a good one!

Oh, yes, I forgot to say. For my husband the issue with the garbage was not in taking it out, it was in NOTICING that it needed to go out! A very good phrase for me was "Honey can you take the garbage out while I fix the dinner?" I have theories why that worked so well- something to do with men, stomachs, and him doing something easy while his wife cooks for him- but I will not go into it here. It might or might not work for you. What my MOM did was, when the meal was about half done, was to say "Honey, could you watch the kids so I can get the dinner on? I love them but they are getting under my feet". So, Dad would call us over and ask us to tell him about our day while Mom finished the meal in peace and got it on the table without a small one hugging her leg or saying "MOM! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!"

Gotta go: It is time for me t use my riding mower with the mulching blade, and ride over to see how the gaarden is doing today and check the fruit set on the trees. I rather LIKE mowing, now that it is easy!

I have hated mowing grass FOREVER. T I L L,. I bought the Cub and belly mower. I want to get one of those trailing mowers with engine on it, and mount it in front of the Panzer for close mowing. My push mower is shot. Need to get another one, for REALLY close mowing.

Yes but when does the "poor" wife get to enjoy her time off???





So how do you suggest her husband show her "little gifts of love"? Or is love only a one way street? Only the hubby does anything of "value" so only the hubby gets "love"?

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You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.

LOL maybe I am old but I have been married 30 years. It's simple....Hey, the trash needs to go out or honey, do you think you could find one more place to leave your dirty clothes or babe, I don't think company wants to see your dirty underwear or do you think you could get to the lawn this weekend (say it early in the week) all of the above followed by "I love you, I am so glad we are on this journey together." Oh yea mean the latter don't just say it.

You are doing great I just think maybe by what you have said it is time to lighten it up a bit.....let him know what needs done in a loving way and then have fun doing it together.

Yup stress kills. Men in particular like to get stressed and die around their jobs it seems. I have seen it personally.


I have also seen what happens when one spouse is left to do everything else alone as a "married single parent" and has extreme caretaker burnout.


So while that "hubby" is working on a "quick" heart attack from stress... that "wife" is working on "slow" cancer from that stress.

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You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.

I understand.

We have 4 kids, lots of animals, heat with wood, and I work part time.

The work part time has lots of perks such as cheap hay, use of heavy equipment, odds and ends lumber, shed I turned into a play house... that kind of stuff

The kids love animals so they help... always have. The animals are the kids and mine.... dh has no interest in them though he does take care of them if the kids and I are gone camping or working. I find the animals very relaxing.... thankfully

The wood dh helps with if he can but the girls and I usually do it ourselves. Thats 12+cords a year.

I have a greenhouse I need to get up. Gardening probably wont happen much this year. Though I want basil and some tomatoes.


Dh is working 40+ hours a week AND getting his masters so I pretty much have no help right now with cooking and yard work.

For the most part because I enjoy country life so much I don't find it drudgery but I do get overwhelmed because it seems like there are times when everything needs to be done at once.

So yep I understand. Venting is good.

I'm going to show this to my DH!
He's very supportive but there's a lot going on with his job which is moving to another state. He loves his work and it's good money, so now he's talking about moving with them and coming home on the weekends. .

OP, is your place completely fenced? My hubby used to spend most of his weekends mowing and weed eating. He would complain that he only got to see how nice the place looked for an hour or so on Sunday evening. After that he was back in the rat race. We fenced a small front yard for flowers and shrubs and then started letting the horses and sheep free range all summer. Now the place looks manicured all the time. Hubby just sold his JD riding lawnmower as it was going to waste sitting idle in the barn. We used the money to buy me a little second hand Kubota compact tractor with a blade on the back for scraping out the horse barn and donkey paddock.

A grown man who won't help out by taking out the trash and is so immature that he leaves his dirty clothes on the living room floor? No one comes home so exhausted from work that they cannot recover enough to contribute so little. Sorry but in my book he is a loser and needs a real kick start.

I believe in picking your battles but what about him? What about a gift of simple decency - not love - to his hard working wife by simply not throwing his clothes around the living room.

'More information' I am solely responsible for the kids, he's never so much as changed a diaper. We are stretched to the limit financially so no new mower :/ can't even replace the blown up weed eater right now. If I wait for him to mow the yard gets tall enough to lose a kid! Lol!! I do have a horse and I do ride but we have no need for five horses when only two of us ride. The money we spend on those five we could be taking better care of two IMHO. If I didn't have to get his clothes and socks out while trying to get the boys ready when we go somewhere that would be a major help.

Honey-
I don't like to judge- Children are not to be "solely one parent's responsibility- that is absurd!and NOT a marriage- he is not acting like a father even if you can casually state you are SOLELY responsible for the children not to mention a man who has never changed his child's diaper- is a wussy- and it sounds like you might as well get used to the behavior - since asking him to do these things hasn't helped- unless you kick him to the curb- you will be living this lifestyle for the rest of your lives-

best to you- and I hope that you can talk some sense into that man-

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"If you can find a nice pretty country girl that can cook and carries her bible, now there's a woman." - Phil Robertson

CEO and President of SWS (Skirt Wearing Society)

Well, YEAH!

My husband mostly did the "fun" stuff but he *DID* do the fun stuff. That did give me some time off, whether I was mowing or going to town (by myself) on Thursday evening. A person DOES need some time off!

On Thursday, by the way, I would fix dinner and then leave. DH would eat with the kids and then he would watch them until I came home. They would be in their pajamas by the time I got home, and POSSIBLE in bed.

My Thursdays were not expensive: I would eat something from a fast food joint, go to the library, or something else that was inexpensive and/or impulsive.

Because everybody needs time off. Even Mommies.

Terri- I hope you don't think I was responding to your posts- I was writing this in response to the OP...
DH and I are like you said- we both have some "fun" stuff we do- alone by ourselves-
mine is pretty much scour a grocery store for marked down goods - and taking 5 bucks to the thrift store LOL-
His is going out once every 3 months to a trendy place to get wings and have a beer-


I feel bad for the OP - but she is gonna need to 'woman up' and get that knucklehead to get his dirty clothes out of the living room- I would never put up with that!

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"If you can find a nice pretty country girl that can cook and carries her bible, now there's a woman." - Phil Robertson

CEO and President of SWS (Skirt Wearing Society)

We teach people how to treat us.

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You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.