Unsupportive spouse...

Stop and think - how good you all have it - there are people in this world that don't know when their next meal is coming from - or if a car bomb will go off while they are out shopping - or if someone will drop a bomb on them - or they are bed ridden - or they can't walk - or can't see - or - or - in other words get down on your knees and thank God for everthing you have and stop complaining -

My brother worked for a newspaper at one time - many years ago - the head of the local vets hospital took him through the hospital one time - he saw vets who have no arms and legs - when he can home and told us what he saw - he said that no body should complain about anything -

Is hubby refusing to take care of "his" horses too?



Lets "assume" this scenario:

Spouse #1: 9-5 M-F = 40 hours a week (with two days off)

Spouse #2: 16 hours a day ("assuming" 8 off for sleep) x 7 = 112 hours a week (no days off ever)



Doesn't matter if you both agreed that he "works" while you "stay" home. 40 hours -vs- 112 hours (never having a day off) a week is not a fair or remotely equal divide of living. I don't care how people divide it all up or if it's even 50/50. But BOTH people need to agree on it and not let one person shoulder most or all of the stress.


Stress literally kills people.

__________________
You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.

I think she is thankful for what she has. She was just exhausted and asked for a little hand to help get through this time. I don't think there are many if any folks on HT that aren't thankful for what we have. Just IMO.

I would suspect that almost all of the HT folks that work a farm of any kind have at some point went to bed after a big day of working that farm and thought they couldn't keep going. The next morning you get up step outside in the dew with a cup of coffee and look around and thank God or just be thankful that you have the opportunity to have this.

I hear you. When we started homesteading way back we had 3 kids ages 3, 6 and 8 and we were green as grass. I can't say DH was unsupportive but he worked all kinds of crazy long hours and was tired when he did have time off. I took on too much at the beginning and soon discovered I wasn't enjoying the life I had dreamed about for so long. I made some changes. First I stopped having more animals than I needed. I wasn't selling anything so 6 chickens was enough, didn't need 18. Two goats were better than 5. Three rabbits, 1 cow etc. I redid the garden to the size I could handle and found local farms where I could get the rest. I put most of the stuff in the freezer and canned and made jam etc in the winter when I had more time. We also had 5 horses. The kids did chores! They were expected to take care of their own horses and any other pets they had ( under my supervision ). When they got old enough they helped out more. It's important to take time to just be a family and have fun together, can't do that if you're having to work all the time.

I once read the phrase, "Saying you can't complain because someone has it worse is like saying you can't be happy because someone has it better."

Everyone is allowed to complain or gripe now and then, even if someone, somewhere has it worse.

If you have a big yard and it worries you what others are going to think if the yard isn't neat, a riding mower would be a God send. I bought a used one a couple of years ago and I don't recommend that. Something right for your size yard. I am going to be putting money aside for another one starting next month. If this is not a possibility, a self-propelled mower. Hang in there and remember life looks a certain way after the sun sets and can look a whole lot better after sun rises and you've had a good nights sleep.

Venting is good. We all have days where one more task would send us over a cliff. Take a deep breath. Put the kids down for a nap. Take a nap.

I had 3 city women who hated farming. It ruined my ambitions, blunted my drive. Not nearly as much as they wanted, so they left. Today, I can see the end of my farming days. I can also see what might have been, with the drive I once had.
All I can say is, If one has a unsupporting spouse, they will lose out on the goals they set for themselves. They will either end up old with their spouse, but without the dream they hoped to build, OR they will end up alone, and in the same situation.

Being as I have spent over a quarter of my life alone, I cant say which of the 2 is more preferable. I would guess that the decision would be made out of the quality of the spouse in everything else they do, other than the farm/garden/homestead.

Luckily we both are on the same page. Sweetie just is not able to help much, here. I have to keep the goats as I have to have the milk. The chickens and rabbits are easy to keep. The pigeons and gardens are my stress relievers. We have cut back a LOT but do what we can. Living at the beach cabin all winter helped a lot. DS took care of the animals, we just showed up for the milk. We had a very relaxing and easy winter, made it nice and easy to slip back into the homesteading life again. We are very blessed. I just putt around, a couple hours a day outside, then do my household chores, make meals and take care of the milk, cheese, yogurt and cottage cheese, each once a week, now. The gardens, greenhouse and the rest are not hard. DS will help with the hay this year, he will run the mower and haul, when ready....James

Thanks guys. My poor husband works third shift so he works all night and sleeps all day. So when the weekend rolls around he doesn't want to do yard work or help around here and I can't blame him for wanting to enjoy his days off. Ive just got to figure out how to get it all together. I'm very thankful for what I have, I know there's people who would kill to have what I do.

BTDT and still doing it. It is not an all or nothing deal. Your plate is really full. you should be really proud of all you are doing. it is ok to scale back on some things if you need to.

hubby works full time and I stay at home with 2 boys now 14 and almost 12. had goats chickens and other things going too. Dh helps when I can't(heavy stuff) but for the most part it was mostly my deal. he had no daily chores( feeding watering weeding). I had to do something at home besides just cooking and cleaning.

I just had to know nothing was going to be perfect. I don't have a Martha Stewart house/farm. that is ok. I too felt I had to "contribute" by making every penny stretch. something got added if it really gave a bang for the buck and others I quit as it was more hassle than help.

the frustrating thing was my energy/mood levels would sometimes not be where I wanted them to be. I couldn't do as much as I wanted. It is still like that. today it is dark and has been rainy and cold. great for plants not so much mood.

I am with you and understand you are normal and it is ok. give your babies a big hug and snuggle in a rocking chair or couch and just chill for a bit. learning how to do trick that don't require as much muscle but smarts help. I had back surgery when the boys were 6and 4 and that really messed everythingup. today is much different. boys are bigger and one like to do house work and the other likes to be outside. the different tallents don't go to waste. there is always tomorrow.

As long as what you have does not kill you or the lack of support kill your relationship. If you cannot afford help and your husband remains unsupportive then you need to sit down and prioritize what is important to you and then cut back or weed out the rest.

This does not mean that you can never have what you want or enjoy but that you may just have to delay for a while. The two little ones are your priority but in a year or so when the older one is at school you may be able to go back to doing more. For right now I would tell my husband to look after his horses or get rid of them because I just don't have the time for them. If he does not have the time or energy what makes him think that you do? He obviously needs a wake-up call as to what you do and how hard you work.

I agree with everyone who said take a little break for a day or so and just stop and smell the roses. It helps me more than anything else plus I come back refreshed and able to look at things from a better angle and that usually helps me fix things to make them run smoother. This time of year can be overwhelming because you are on the clock and things have to get done at certain times or you miss your window of opportunity.

I would suggest 2 things. Ask your husband about the horses, is it something he still wants and has time for or is it an old hobby he has moved on from? Maybe he can cut back or sell them for now and get back to them when his schedule is better. Second ask him if maybe one Saturday a month he can help you with one crunch time project. Then he knows he has the rest of the time free and you get some much needed help on big projects and that lowers your stress.

__________________
"You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me." C S Lewis

Industry workplace stress is more likely to kill you then homestead stress. On the flipside though the person working with the horses probably has a better chance of dying of a kick to he head than the one working the rat race 9 to 5 job used to supply the funds needed to support the start up and no sustainably produced continuing overhead expenses of the chosen lifestyle.

More 9 to 5 rat racers have serious health conditions than varied schedule farm workers. Farmers are more likely to suffer projectile injury frequency about equal to that of a combat zone point man.


Rebelrunfarm.

As long as your spouse is working a rat race job and the paycheck is coming home, accept it and push most of the homestead dreams to the back of your mind and devise a workable 5 year agricultural business plan for your homesteading venture. Many states offer such plan kits through their state ag departments. If your state doesn't, the Texas State Dept of Agriculture offered small farm work sheet plan is a decent model that can be customized to the agricultural regulations of your region.

However you choose to set up your homestead projection plan , realistically factor in both you and your spouse' manpower hour potential regardless if its tending crops and stock or providing fiat income source for expenses of keeping a roof over your head and personal grant funding of your homestead venture.

You have 26 acres of land. Could you provide for the stock you have using half or less and maintain the other half with a yearly bush hogging?

Gardening. Are you trying to use large scale farming technique applied to small gardening as use of tillers and garden tractors or the more easily maintained by one person bio-intensive small farming techniques such as squarefootgardening , raised bed gardening and other variations?

There are many ways to combine a rat race and homestead lifestyle. I did it during my married years and still do it now and keep a roof over my head while putting a bit of my rat race income back as savings and entertainment and also sharing a bit of my garden yield with my gf.

We humans are unique in that if we truly want to achieve something , we have the ability to evaluate and devise a realistic path to achieve at least progressive portions of what we seek.

Good luck on your future path. You can find and follow it.

__________________
"I didn't have time to slay the dragon. It's on my To Do list!"

You are using a push mower?

Why?

You save a bundle with your garden, you say, and care for his horses. One way to conserve energy is to get a riding mower, which makes it possible to continue making spagetti sauce and saving money, which covers a good part of the cost of the mower and also makes you less tired.

These are precious years, when both your husband and your kids are around every day.

My spouse is supportive, but he's also ill. Cancer. He still works a full time job. Chemo stops him from being able to do the much of the physical things. So guess who that leaves to do all the work?

I really love this life, truly and with all my heart. But shoot, just a week or two ago the same thoughts occurred to me. See, there's a period in the spring when the planets seem to line up and you get good weather and warmth, and all the stuff that's waited all winter to be accomplished suddenly has to happen at the same time. Gotta get the garden in. Then the asparagus and rhubarb is popping, and needs to go in jars or the freezer. We have turkey and chicken eggs in the incubator, and had some sleepless nights waiting for the arrival of a much-wanted new little filly. There's tilling, planting, weeding, clearing brush, mowing, weed-whacking, painting, you name it; and it all needs to be done yesterday. The workload slammed from zero to sixty in twenty-four hours.

So I had the thought about "What was I thinking???!"

And I don't have kids at home anymore!

I bet there's hardly a one of us that doesn't take a look at our lives every once in a while and feel a little overwhelmed. We love this life and want to do well at it, and when time or energy is short, it exacerbates that feeling of urgency and being behind. Part of what helps me feel a little less crazy is the knowledge that this happens every year, and I'll get through it the same way I always do-- with some worry, some panic, some pedal-to-the-metal, adrenaline, and liberal amounts of coffee-- shortly followed by the deep satisfaction of a challenge well met.

Do what you can, and leave the rest. Do what makes you stand tall when you look in the mirror. Babies come first, and then after that, be gentle with yourself. I'm an older lady now, and I cannot remember any times when I felt guilty because I didn't get all the tomatoes in jars. But I can remember making lunch into picnics under the shade of our own trees, reading an extra bedtime story (or two, or three)on snuggly winter nights, burying my face in the mane of a favorite horse and breathing deep, watching the sun appear over the horizon and melt away the morning mist with a beloved child, making pancakes into Mickey Mouse shapes and watching the delight on my little one's face, candying wild violets for an August birthday cake, snapping beans on the porch during a rainstorm with the bowl between my daughter and me as she told me what she wanted to be when she grew up, and working very, very hard to supply my kids with warm memories of me and this place to last them the rest of their lives.

Beauty and grace can be in the smallest things. Wonder and love can be in the simplest acts. See if changing your thinking can open up new doors for you, and offer up a new appreciation for what you already have.

__________________
‎"The trouble with quotes over the Internet is that you never know if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln

Philosophically speaking, you must ask if you should be upset when another person won't do what you want them to do. In other words, do they have the right to enjoy what they like, or should they be somehow forced or shamed into helping you do what you want them to do.

I've been realizing lately that many of us, like me, take this homesteading thing too seriously. I'm now convinced it is not worth it economically, but somehow we convince ourselves our lives depend on it.

A bit of a religion, and I guess many of us think we have to save those who are not yet converted.

The time to find someone supportive is when you are seeking a spouse. Someone who shares your interests from the get-go. Can't change someone later.

I just want him to mow the yard, take the trash out and not leave his dirty clothes in the living room floor. Not asking him to do anything 'homesteady' that's never been his thing and I don't expect him to help with that.

A little perspective, perhaps: the lawn-mowing may be a major chore (I don't know how big your yard is) but the trash and picking up clothes? Those are 5-minute tasks, tops. Are those really "hills you want to die on"? Can you think of it as a little gift of love that you give your husband when you take care of those things for him without making a fuss?

__________________
"I love all of this mud," said no one, ever.

Let him know that if it's got legs on four corners, and you have to work to look after it, then it's meat. That should solve a few of your problems pretty soon, one way or another. He'll have to decide how much he likes his horses, whether he'll work to look after them, and whether he wants fries with that, or done as casserole, stew or chilli.