How to address others on this site

thequeensblessing · #41 05/02/13, 07:24 AM

I think sometimes the offensive attitudes may be unintentional. Take my own experience for example...I've been told by a friend on this site, one who knows me in reality, that my persona here is different than my persona in reality. They said I come across here as a snob, and as a sarcastic "know it all". Yeah, that hurts, but its also kinda funny, because that's just not me. I suppose, not being able to hear vocal inflections, or see facial expressions and body language puts us all at a disadvantage when discoursing with each other, but I sincerely believe that we sometimes come across more sharply, more critically than we intend or are even aware that we do. (Yes, I know some few on here actually INTEND to offend, but I believe it is only a very few. They just happen to be a vocal few!) Passions don't come across in text the way they do in speaking either, and when we are passionate about something and rely on text to get that across (religion, politics, homesteading for example), a lot of that passion can be taken for arrogance. I also think sometimes we get too comfy with each other, and we feel free to push our opinions without thought to how we might come across. Some people were never taught the art of finesse in speaking to others. Compound that lack of finesse with the issues that come from a textual relationship and there's room for some major offenses.

DarleneJ · #42 05/02/13, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ross

So should things be moderated more to make the place nicer, pour on the sugar? Or left more alone, pass the salt and pepper? Elaborate if you don't mind.

If a person is attacked and their value diminished, that should be censored. Everyone here has value.

If a person's ideas or recommendations are debated, that is different.

Sometimes I'm amazed by all the "good-hearted" people who can see the obvious flaw, yet in their "kind-hearted" nature they overlook the flaw and reinforce the very behaviors or decisions that are keeping people in their rut.

IMO, I don't think that's caring. Reality it hard, but sometimes we need a mirror (another person's insight) to see our backsides so that we can make a positive adjustment and succeed in life. That's what I try to offer (albeit imperfectly, and who can know everything about a person from a post?)

I've shared quick posts that I thought would be rejected because they were blunt, but I didn't have a lot of time, yet wanted to address the person and had people receive the heart of my message with all it's bluntness - "Yeah, I can see that. Thank you."

I've also spent a lot of effort crafting replies that I believed contained truth, yet presenting them in the way cherry flavoring helps cough syrup. Noticed that other posters reaffirmed my message and added their insight only to have the OP tell us we were all wrong. lol Okay. Whatever. Stay in your rut if you like.

So how should you moderate? If it were me I would want to create less work for myself. Measuring every post by the "not nice" stick really doesn't say much. Truth is sometimes a hard pill to swallow, but afterward there is much growth. How do you measure that? If someone doesn't want to take the pill, then it's "not nice"? If someone does, then it's "nice"? And you're supposed to know whether the OP can "handle the truth" or even someone else's opinion.

Oy vey, seems like it would be easier to discern whether the poster is 1) on topic and 2) respecting the inherent value of the OP. Content would be more important than delivery in most cases.

My 2 cents... Good luck mods!!

Ardie/WI · #43 05/02/13, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarleneJ

If a person is attacked and their value diminished, that should be censored. Everyone here has value.

Darlene, I deleted the rest of your very good post because THIS caught my mind and heart.

This is it exactly!

thequeensblessing · #44 05/02/13, 08:18 AM

But isn't that rather subjective, Ardie and Darlene? I mean, couldn't some feel that finding fault with their political views or disagreeing with their religious beliefs to be diminishing their value? Not giving support, or advocating against someone's decision to leave a spouse could be seen as diminishing one's value to some other people. Or am I missing your meaning entirely?

grandma12703 · #45 05/02/13, 08:19 AM

There is so much power in many of these posters statements. I think this is good so that everyone can get perspective on why and people make the statements they do.

BTW: Just a side note. I think we have fabulous moderators at least in the area's that I read and post.

CesumPec · #46 05/02/13, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarleneJ

Everyone here has value.

But some have a value so low as to not be worth keeping.

When I've been at my worst in this forum was dealing with a particularly obnoxious poster. He gave very bad advice and many of his comments were just trolling exercises. I couldn't tell if he was stupid or just a jerk but no evidence provided contrary to his opinions would deter his bad advice.

In the end, he was banned and the forum is a better place without him. That said, I can't think of any one else I've run across in HT that should be banned. There are those I disagree with in just about every way, but either ignore them or enjoy a good debate until i don't enjoy it and then i ignore them.

thequeensblessing · #47 05/02/13, 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CesumPec

...I can't think of any one else I've run across in HT that should be banned. There are those I disagree with in just about every way, but either ignore them or enjoy a good debate until i don't enjoy it and then i ignore them.

You know, I agree with this completely. I have never wanted anyone banned. I was actually disappointed when CN was banned. Oh, he and I went at it about my religious views on occasion, and he wasn't always exactly tactful in how he put his opinions across, but I always enjoyed our exchanges. (Ok, maybe not always in the moment

)

DarleneJ · #48 05/02/13, 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thequeensblessing

But isn't that rather subjective, Ardie and Darlene? I mean, couldn't some feel that finding fault with their political views or disagreeing with their religious beliefs to be diminishing their value? Not giving support, or advocating against someone's decision to leave a spouse could be seen as diminishing one's value to some other people. Or am I missing your meaning entirely?

If I accuse someone of being ignorant or racist because they do not agree with me politically, that devalues them. If I say I don't like their candidate because the candidate lies and has caused harm, that is different.

A person that posts about their personal business better understand they will get a variety of opinions. So if you want to leave your spouse, better be prepared to hear from those that think under no circumstances is this allowable. This is a public forum. When we air our personal laundry, then everyone interprets the skid marks on our undies in their own way. Better to be prepared if that's the choice one makes.

If the person that disagrees with leaving ones spouse says that the OP is disgraceful and going to hell - that is an attack on the OP's value. If the poster says that the Bible doesn't agree with divorce under ANY circumstance, that is their interpretation (or opinion) and they have a right to share it, since they are on topic and by posting in a public forum the OP invited all to comment. Both comments were unsupportive, only one attacked the value of the OP (or of anyone one else.)

Does this help?

AngieM2 · #49 05/02/13, 09:17 AM

One thing I've noticed.
Many times an opposite viewpoint it in a heated discussion, the subject is explained and both sides attacking the subject - and then one really well thought out, quoted with links post is put up to show the side - and at the very end -

the zingger of a insult to the other person.

The whole post would have been cool to stay, but that zingger of an insult just got it deleted. So, if you want to have your posts stay, where I am concerned, don't put that zingger on. Just keep to those facts. When you add the zingger that attacks, degrades, insults the other poster it will probably be deleted.

danielsumner · #50 05/02/13, 09:44 AM

I find a lot of the threads on here most entertaining. I’m guilty of sometimes quickly scanning down the list to see if there are any new deleted or locked posts. There are some here that I just take with a grain of salt. I’ve been on long enough to understand their personality. There is only one person that I don’t ever respond to, I did once recently because I didn’t realize till after I replied it was her thread. It all stems from when I replied to someone else's thread and she went off on me like a mad woman. Others came to my defense, but I still don’t know what set her off. She was raving that it wasn’t always about me. I just asked for my post to be removed to stop the nonsense.

I refer to all but her on here as “Friends” even if we don’t agree on everything.

Ardie/WI · #51 05/02/13, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngieM2

One thing I've noticed.
Many times an opposite viewpoint it in a heated discussion, the subject is explained and both sides attacking the subject - and then one really well thought out, quoted with links post is put up to show the side - and at the very end -

the zingger of a insult to the other person.

The whole post would have been cool to stay, but that zingger of an insult just got it deleted. So, if you want to have your posts stay, where I am concerned, don't put that zingger on. Just keep to those facts. When you add the zingger that attacks, degrades, insults the other poster it will probably be deleted.

Very well put!

salmonslayer · #52 05/02/13, 10:05 AM

I think the moderators do a pretty good job myself and we all get carried away at times. I am a very happy person and extremely laid back but sometimes I can be enjoying an exchange and not realize its taken a turn towards ugliness and I have also had posts be completely misunderstood and insults taken where none were intended. To me the moderators need to keep people on track and our very own Angie reminded me of that not too long ago.

Times are tough right now and I am seeing an uptick in stress levels even in my own little burg and I think we are seeing that general feeling of stress, unease and in some cases near hopelessness reflected in this forum. I often read a post and think "your life is a train wreck of your own doing" but posting something like that is not helpful and I try to just not post anything if thats all I have to offer.

In the end, it does just boil down to "be nice"...something we all would do well to remember on this forum and in life in general.

katy · #53 05/02/13, 10:23 AM

Interesting thread and it's great to see mods participating, shedding light - as it were. Having lurked for a long time before registering, it's been a growing experience. In the beginning deleted posts and banned members, with no explanation whatsoever always made me wonder just how BAD someone had been and was it fair ? In my perception Angie has grown so much in the last couple of years that it makes this board a better place and I am grateful for that. It's nice to know that some posters really spend time in choosing a kind way of expressing themselves. THANK YOU to all mods..

||Downhome|| · #54 05/02/13, 10:27 AM

I Think you should be yourself and address others as you would like to be addressed yourself.
Many things are subjective and many things can and are taken out of context.
Just don't be nasty.

Things can be said many different ways, English is a very versatile language.
something said one way is nasty and another acceptable.
Not everyone has a great grasp of language.

For the most part most of the active posters are decent folks.
Since my time here many of the trouble makers have been banned or they met to much resistance and left.

I can agree with everyone here on certain things, but not all things.
Some I share much more with and agree with most of their outlook.
Even then though its not all things.

I try to be nice, I can't say I'm always positive...
You know if you tell me you can breath under water , I just think its a really bad Idea to try it.
I'm a devils advocate sometimes. (ok most times)
I'm different from many folks in I try,key word there try, to think down the road.
Suppose that's from what I did for work, many different jobs but I was always the guy handed problem situations.
So I try and head them off before there's a problem.
I find most only see whats in front of them.
But ya I'm no cheerleader, but I can be supportive if its a good Idea!

mzgarden · #55 05/02/13, 11:25 AM

It appears I agree with folks posting. I can't think why we would want to ask the Mods to be a playground monitor. I think if there's nothing but vitriol coming from someone, and others are consistently demeaned, degraded and abused - that's the time for someone to step in (poor Mods) and have a heart-to-heart. When confronted, some will change and some will not and for those that will not, perhaps it's time to help them move along.

where I want to · #56 05/02/13, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ross

So should a moderator step in and delete these, keep everything happy?

Hmmmm- is that ever possible?

If a person parades their victimhood as a way of making other people submit, they are as much of a bully as the one who goes straight to insults.

The only thing I really hate and who always happily see deleted asap are name calling, insults not related to an argument and telling people they are wrong (usually accompanied by some adjectives) without making a reasoned argument why. Like "only an idiot would say that" or "you are a(fill in whatever.)" I have stooped to like remarks on hopefully rare occasion and have felt irritated with myself about it.

ItchingDuck · #57 05/02/13, 12:57 PM

I am mostly a lurker here for many reasons. I don't have a lot to contribute to many conversations due to lack of experience. I also refrain because I avoid hot topics like Reigion and politics because I am naturally non-confrontational. I am that "thin skinned" poster many of you have spoken of. I know I am so I don't open myself up to a situation where the conversation may lead to an attack or rude response.

I still don't think this place needs to moderate more or less. I like things here and if you try to "make things Nicer" you could walk into shady ground. What is "nice"? People are always going to get their feelings hurt. If someone is obviously trolling or being overtly mean spirited, then I could see doing something.

J.T.M. · #58 05/02/13, 01:13 PM

I don't get it .... I can't remember ever seeing anyone mistreating anyone on any of the forums here. Perhaps Im in denial , or perhaps Im misunderstanding what this thread is about .

Dusky Beauty · #59 05/02/13, 03:01 PM

I like the current balance of moderation this forum has.

After you've been posting a while, you tend to get a feel for which forum names you probably don't want to "feed". You might read for entertainment value when you can predict the fireworks... but you sure don't want to rile them up by telling them in so may words you think they are out of line... Heaven for-fend!!

Keep posting and contributing long enough and you'll live to be surprised to see folks who seemingly disagree with all of your core values and practices that you peg as disagreeably natured actually have a solid serving of common sense you can appreciate when you least expect it.

THAT'S the sense of continuous community I think this board has that no other does and in that way it mirrors a real life community.

I've been on plenty of "younger" online communities where people are nasty just because they enjoy being nasty... or the mods will delete any post that criticizes the latest decision of the main forum sponsor (as in video games). This is a real treat by comparison.

Old Vet · #60 05/02/13, 03:39 PM

I used sarcasm a lot in my post. If you read it and see that sarcasm you will make your own mind and see the truth. I have been accused of being an outsider until you see the sarcasm for that answer.