Kids at Funeral

Like I stated before there are many opinions on this and I do agree that unless the child is a close family member or friend of the deceased there is no reason for them to attend.

With that said I think that this is a little harsh. Everyone has their own stories of why and why not. Many have to do with things that have happened in their lives and to say there is no compassion or that they are not decent human beings is very wrong.

It is agreed that the wishes of the family is what should be respected but I think more answers were given as to the question, do you think children should be allowed at funerals? I don't think this should get so much on a personal level of attacking others.

The OP asked "What do you think?" I responded with my opinion. I don't see the point of you deliberately quoting my post and saying it's harsh? Can you explain please?

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IP I don't disagree with you on your points. I just felt like it was a little harsh towards those that don't all agree with it. I would say the same thing the other way if someone made the comment that anyone who thought kids shouldn't be allowed were ..... whatever may be said.

I don't think anyone is without compassion on this subject I just think everyone deals differently.

While I have never seen it, I guess they had their reasons. Just imagine if this was a huge family, and they just want a short quiet service.

My father died-hit by a car-when I was 2. I have no memory of him, sadly.

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I'm sure the family has endured other family funerals with some undisciplined kids and have decided they are not going to stand for a particular brat or two that has disrupted those. And so the only way they can exclude them without making some other parent mad is to just say "no kids under ten".

Kids that young don't have to be at a funeral, anyway. You should know enough from how you parents act going to the funeral themselves, that it's a serious thing that happened, that it's a painful thing for people to go through. Kids don't have to go to funerals to be taught about death. Someone's grieving should not be a life lesson for someone else's child IF they aren't really well behaved kids.

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-Northern NYS

Sure you do. It's awfully presumptuous to assume that your rights to have children there supersede the family's rights to have no children there that might ruin the services for the family. Unless of course you have no respect for the family's wishes, which appears to be the case here.

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Society has gotten to the point where everybody has a right, but nobody has a responsibility.

That was your choice... I commend you for that, I can't even pretend to imagine what that was like.

For whatever reason, this family has decided they can't handle it, manners be darned. For some reason, having no kids there just makes it easier for them or they wouldn't have made the request. If they feel too fragile to handle kids there or if they know children they can't trust to behave, they don't have to play martyrs for the sake of others - really, people do understand. Or should.

Again, I commend you for choosing to welcome children during your dark hours. I just wouldn't think less of others for having made a different choice, under the circumstances.

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I think what WIHH and Haypoint shared may hit the nail on the head - 1) parent's wishes and 2) seeing a baby in a casket may be much more traumatic to a child than seeing an elderly person in a casket.

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Chixarecute...and tasty, too!

The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.

The family does have several children besides the deceased. I don't know the circumstances of the death.

When my S/O passed away, during the visitation, the funeral home did have a children's room where there were toys, maybe an attendant, I'm not sure, but it was a nice touch. This gave the rest of us a break. My grandson loved it. I wonder if any churches provide nursery service.

I remember as a child going to the visitations for many elderly people I barely knew. Our local funeral home was kind of creepy and the undertaker even creepier. I was well behaved, but I think I would have been better off at home. I thought maybe if someone would just pull the deceased eyes open, the would come back to life and wondered why no one ever tried it.

I am thinking the burial would be really hard if it were me. I am not sure, if it were my child, I could leave it behind in a freezing cemetery in bad weather. I have been thinking of the family all day.

We tried to attend any event as a family. If the children are not desired, then we would likely all stay home & send condolences via snail mail.

I think this is the answer.

Did like the idea of a childrens room as well.

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We will meet in the golden city, called the New Jerusalem,
All our pain and all our tears will be no more.....

For whatever reasons, parents of a baby that passed on shortly after birth wish to have no young children present is not for any others to decide or judge.

To dishonor the request is rude.
To take personal affront is selfish.
To show up with your unwanted kids anyway is ignorant and unfeeling.

An option for people with difficult family and friends would be a private funeral.

I personally would leave my kids behind as requested and go hug my grieving family or friend.

I helped with a family members funeral where the deceased was a BIG time animal lover.... She was sick for some time and made her wishes known that the dog would be at the viewing, service, burial, and reception. The funeral home and cemtary tried to kick the dog out, but it stayed. I figured the least i could do was honor her wishes and it nade me feel a little better fighting over it

The wishes of the deceaesed (or in the case of a newborn the parents) should come first. She doesnt want the there so be it.

My personal view is death is part of life, and children do better with it if exposed to it, rather than trying to shield them from the hurt. Just makes death even harder for them to deal with later.

My ex-wife and I lost a newborn. She would be 27 now. My ex was from a huge family, and there were plenty of folks young and old at my daughter's funeral. We never thought of requesting that folks keep their little ones away, but I can respect that anyone going through that has the right to request whatever they are comfortable with, for whatever reason.

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"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow the fields of those who don't."-Thomas Jefferson

I will usually just pass by things on this site that do not pertain to me, but for some reason this one struck me.
I am sitting and wondering is it really our place to judge. I can understand the argument about unruly children and that day will be hard enough. I can also understand that children need to learn about life and death. But, is it our place to judge, complement, or condemn?
When I need help I can come here and ask a question, “How do I install a water heater?” but I would not appreciate it if, how mush hot water I used in a shower, or what kind of soap I should use.
I can only pray that the parents of the deceased child will not see this site. Don’t we have better things to do?

We lost our infant daughter 4 years ago. All of our children were there when she died and there at the funeral and there when she was buried and they were 3, 5, 10 and 12 at the time that it happened. They were all well behaved and came to understand. Unfortunately, death is a very certain part of life. But I agree that no one can say why the parents said what they said and it is their decision to make.

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"Be still sad heart, and cease repining. Behind the clouds, the sun is shining. Thy fate is the common fate of all. Into each life, a little rain must fall." -Longfellow

I think it is wrong to request no children at a wedding too. It is just wrong to treat part of humanity like it is not good enough to be part of something. I would never do that. It is just too arrogant and nasty. I wouldn't want to have a heart like that. And like I said, I do understand their pain. We lived through it. But we would never have tried to force part of the family to stay away because we thought we were too good or too hurt or too anything to put up with them. That is just wrong.

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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

MM, just to offer an alternative interpretation; isn't is just a bit "arrogant and nasty" to insert one's own values on a day obviously of supreme importance to the immediate family? Saying, in effect, "I really don't care about you or your loved one, this is all about my right to bring my kids, even though their presence is contrary to your desires."

Please forgive me---I like and agree with most of your posts---but that, to me, seems quite arrogant and nasty in it's own right.

I repeat: It Is Not About You. It's not about anything except making a very sad and trying day a bit more bearable for a grieving family, no matter what that takes.

(Disclaimer: I feel strongly about these issues based on personal experience, especially having to deal with a drunk at the memorial for my late husband. It truly is about the family and that's all, and I believe perhaps we are over-thinking this.)

With appreciation for everyone's patience,

Barb

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"Midnight girl in a Sunset town...."

I think a wedding is a bit different circumstance. If it were me, and it was a church wedding, if there was a church nursery, I think I'd hire the youth group or a couple of grandmas and offer the service. The kids would probably enjoy it more than the ceremony anyway.

As far as a wedding goes, for me it would depend on the reception. If it were catered and I was paying for each plate, or if I thought it might get rowdy, or go late into the evening, I can see limiting children. A simple or informal reception at home or in church parlors should be kid friendly. I can remember the days when everyone had a reception in the church, now hardly ever.

I thought I had posted this on Countryside Families, but it is getting a good response on this section too.

I'm 64, as a child, and we lived just a few houses down from the church in a small town, lunch after the funeral and burial was not done. Sometimes there would be a get together at someones home, but never a church lunch. Now it is very common. Even if the service is at the funeral home, there is often a lunch at the church afterward. And I enjoy them. The ladies group does it for a small fee, and I think they themselves donate the salads, etc and buy cold meat and rolls. I have had some great visits with people I never see otherwise, and I think it comforts the family too. I guess this has taken the place of the church wedding reception.

This thread has really made me appreciate my friends. My then-husband and I were 18 at the time of our loss, as were most of our friends (a lot of them with babies too). We chose to have a closed graveside service with immediate family only. All of our friends respected our decision, and when they called later about getting together, they all, without exception, asked if we would like them to find a babysitter (for that first visit after our loss). Our answer was always dependent on how our day was going and I loved them all the more for thinking about US. Nobody we knew, could understand what we were going through, but they cared enough to ask what OUR needs were.

Some might find strength in life given to others. I was too wounded, and needed time to heal.