How much help

nduetime · #21 03/29/12, 01:58 PM

The farm and stable are MY job. Hubby has worked long hours at his outside job for as long as we can remember. He keeps all the machinery in excellant working condition and enjoys using his tractor to do some things but I typically do the farm work. The animals and garden are my thing as are the canning and raising of meat. He will help me if I really need it and ask for it but I try not to. There are always going to be the two man jobs here and there. I am fortunate to have a grandson who LOVES to help on the farm and at 12 is physically able to help me out a lot when I need it.

Ozarks Tom · #22 03/29/12, 04:21 PM

For us, it's as joint an effort as time allows. We moved here 11 years ago mainly to be out of the city. Since then our focus has changed to being as self sufficient as possible. We shut down 2 retail interior furnishings stores about 4 years ago, and she continued on as insurance adjuster. Not many job offers for a white bearded guy with 40 years experience running his own show, so I retired. Since retiring I've been the main work horse, but she does what she can with the time available.

She's taken vacation time to help plant 160 trees, and put up fencing. We both do the canning. She's the stickler for weeding the garden, I'm the one into irrigation systems. She's the one nurturing the berry bushes (60), I'm the one to build chicken coops/runs, and rabbit pens.

Overall, we work together well.

MidwestGal · #23 03/29/12, 04:28 PM

I just don't expect anything from anybody...that way I am never disappointed. I do as much as is humanly possible and can't sweat the rest. Life is too short.

tailwagging · #24 03/29/12, 04:52 PM

He knew what I wanted to do before we got married (both times, long story) I met him while I worked at a dairy and he at a poultry.
I have never changed on who I am and what I want to do.
If he benefits from it he should help. I ask that he get the stuff up (pens, fences... extra) and I'll do the everyday care. house wise (he agreed before marriage) he does the dishes.
when my sons where kids, it is "do what you can" so it frees me up to do what they couldn't.

chewie · #25 03/29/12, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MidwestGal

I just don't expect anything from anybody...that way I am never disappointed. I do as much as is humanly possible and can't sweat the rest. Life is too short.

i think this is wise. as per my last thread, hubs ain't gonna do much that HE doesn't see necessary. he will run the tractor, and he helped butcher but that's about it. he does earn the paycheck, and I see this place as my job. 'make it go farther'. he sees it as he built the house and fences, and now his part is done. ramming heads over it just gives me a headache, ain't worth it.

the goats were my idea, I dont' think he'd really care if we bought dairy in town, but I do, big time, so I got goats. I dont' want help with them, they are my hobby. i see the garden as part of my earnings. i tend all the horses, including shots, wormings, hoof care. before we married we decided I'd do the horse feedings, but the other just kinda keeps getting piled onto my list too. chickens I get help with. vehicles I take to town to get worked on.

I must be slow, but am learning that the more I do myself, or just forget about, the better off I am. if help is offered, great, if not, oh well. and I have never been the needy dependant type in the first place.

Sonshine · #26 03/29/12, 05:20 PM

Homesteading started out as my thing. I wanted to be able to store up extra food for my family and I prefer home grown produce. Eventually that led to getting chickens and goats. I took care of all of it myself except DH would till for me, but since I didn't ask him to do anything else around here he was fine with that. I took care of the house, the yard, the homestead chores and homeschooling our DS. Then my back got too bad for me to do much. I wasn't able to bring in the harvest, so DH decided he would instead of letting it all go to waste. He loves the fresh food.

As he took on more and more of the chores he started really enjoying it. I had actually gotten rid of my first herd of goats because I was not able to take care of them. He is the one who wanted to get another herd. I do make DS help me in the chores. I use it as teachable moments. He's learned that in order to eat, we have to work. He's learned about the life cycle of plants. He's learned the anatomy of a chicken. He's learned how to take food from seeds to the dinner plate. (he wants to be a chef, so this is a wonderful way for him to learn about where food comes from )

farmgal · #27 03/29/12, 07:37 PM

I did it all for 15 years. Tractor, equipment and home up keep. Keep all fields, fencelines, ponds and pastures brush hogged. Pay all the bills, the list is endless. As for chores, my 2 sons had plenty. They seldom looked at them like chores and they never asked for money. Altho, I do give them some when we are doing big jobs that pay us. Not to mention they have atv toys.

We used to bale 75 acres of hay. We have garden and meat animals to process. My sons actually liked baling time, my one son is 15 y/o, weighs 150 lbs and can bench 200 lbs..!!..lol When he was a little guy he would move water buckets and I would tell him, just fill what you can and every day it will be more. In 3 weeks he was doing 2 full 5 gallon buckets...lol
I know, slave driver

I have my horses for pleasure and I feel they are my responsibility. My son has 4H swine, I want him to have time for them also.

Now as for my SO... well, he is from new york city !! He is slowly learning how to like it here. He does anything I ask for help, but he is too city and almost got killed by the horses the other day.

Its a dangerous situation. I will keep him on chicken duty for a while...lol

On the other hand to see his face when the chick eggs were peeping in their shells in the incubator and they hatch and dry up, running around in a few hours ...lol. His eyes lit up like a little child. He thought I had to feed them like a wild bird...

He never tasted a fresh beet or ate asparagus or any green but lettuce. He is afraid of the tractor, I aim to change that, he will be tilling the garden this weekend.

He is a work in progress..

.lol

Pigeon Lady · #28 03/29/12, 09:52 PM

I guess I'm very blessed. There are only three of us, DH, 16y/o son and me so it's important that we can rely on each other.

Son has been capable of doing just about any of the everyday farm chores since he was about 11. He started Public school last year and has lots of homework so I have most of it to do now. I sure do miss him. He's always very willing and takes pride in whatever he does. I never pushed him to do chores but always made comments like " man, I'm so glad you fed the dogs and chickens for me, that helped me out a lot! It didn't take long before he was running in saying, "and guess what else I did! Are you ready?" He took great delight in seeng me clutch my chest, collapse in a chair and pretend to be totally overcome as he announced that he'd also filled up all the water buckets and fed the goats or some other surprise chore.

Dh works long hours but he tries to at least feed the horses and goats before heading out to work. A couple of weeks ago he knew I wasn't feeling that great and left a note on the kitchen table, " horses;fed, Goats;fed, ducks, pigeons and chickens; fed, donkeys;fed... stay inside, you don't need to do anything" When he came home he found the same note with a big red heart drawn on it with an arrow through and our initials. I told him that list was the best love letter he could ever have sent me.

Laura Zone 10 · #29 03/30/12, 06:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smalltowngirl

I never asked for help unless it was a two person job like lifting sheets of tin, etc.
So no, I learned a long time ago, expectations just bring frustrations and being the 'good, hard working wife' doesn't mean you won't be betrayed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Micheal

I learned about "expectations" long ago - I have none therefore am never disappointed!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ronbre

I have learned to NOT expect any help on any thing ever.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MidwestGal

I just don't expect anything from anybody...that way I am never disappointed. I do as much as is humanly possible and can't sweat the rest. Life is too short.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chewie;5807773I must be slow, [B

but am learning that the more I do myself, or just forget about, the better off I am. if help is offered, great, if not, oh well. [/B]and I have never been the needy dependant type in the first place.

Ok, I don't want to hi-jack this thread, so I can start a new one......but.......
I am so very curious.

Have you 'always' relied on yourself, or, is it a learned thing?
How long did it take you to 'learn' it?
Are you content, with the way things are?
And the 35 million dollar question: How did you get to that place where you said "I can do this poop on everyone else".....AND YOU MEANT IT?

goatlady · #30 03/30/12, 06:58 AM

Laura, there comes a time when one has been disappointed one time too many! It takes some inner dialogue to figure out what exactly is important to you and what you are willing to do to achieve that. It also, sometimes, boils down to a control issue - do you want your actions/achievements to be controlled/dependent upon others? Or do YOU want to achieve your realistic goals and ideas by taking control of YOUR life? We don't always like the answers we get from this inner dialogue, and it is easier to avoid the issues brought up. It's different for each of us - only you know what you are capable of and what your desires are, and what you are willing to do to achieve them regardless of the costs.

tailwagging · #31 03/30/12, 08:59 AM

it is just sad to see so many that just say "I do it myself"
WHY do you put up with it???
If marriage is to help each other out WHY put up with one doing more then the other?

my hubby knows full well that if I end up having to do it all myself, because he refused to or didn't want to.... I would send him packing.
I refuse to be a door mat.I've been there and will not go there again. if you benefit from what I am doing (food, extra money ...) you better be willing to make it easier for me to do it.

Pony · #32 03/30/12, 09:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yvonne's hubby

My kids were always well compensated. They were provided with a roof over their heads, clothes to wear, and plenty to eat, along with a tremendous amount of education at Zero cost to them beyond a small amount of labor when they were available.

I think Callieslamb's point was that there are environments of "Family Cooperation and Learning" and then there are environments of "the grownups crack the whip, yell and scream if you do something wrong even if you don't know how to do it, but never say GOOD JOB when you actually get something right."

I've seen both dynamics in action, and I can tell you which one is preferable.

The first (healthy) dynamic instills a sense of worth and competence.

The second is shaming and demeaning. It instills a sense of worthlessness and feelings of incompetence/insecurity.

Pony · #33 03/30/12, 09:16 AM

I depend on Nick, and he depends on me. This all started out as something I believed in, but it wasn't long before he was in as well. How did he come to buy into the dream? He loves me, and if something is important to me, he will at least research it.

Goes both ways, of course. Nick was into off-roading in Jeeps. I tried it out, found I liked it, and we've had some great wheelin' adventures. He likes motorcycles, and I gave that a whirl, but there are some folks who just aren't capable of keeping it up on two motorized wheels (sprained knee and permanently swollen ring finger on left hand from dumping a bike during the safety class....)

I love working side by side with my best friend. Yeah, there are times when neither of us likes what is happening (trying to save a dying goat, having to shoot that goat; living in less-than-ideal - ha! - houses to have better land). But we're in this adventure of life together, and we are FOR and WITH each other.

It's been very interesting these past couple of months. Nick's been the one at home while I've been working off-farm. Nick has more than stepped up to the plate, and while I am missing a lot of what I love this season, he is able to experience it much more deeply.

Yvonne's hubby · #34 03/30/12, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laura Zone 5

Are you content, with the way things are?
And the 35 million dollar question: How did you get to that place where you said "I can do this poop on everyone else".....AND YOU MEANT IT?

I am pretty well content with the way things are. My only real regret is that my health failed me a few years ago and I am not able to do nearly as much as I once did.

As to that last part.... I have pretty much always relied upon myself to get things done. Its just a whole lot easier for me to do it than sit and wait for someone else to make a mess of things first that I will have to redo.

Yvonne's hubby · #35 03/30/12, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tailwagging

it is just sad to see so many that just say "I do it myself"
WHY do you put up with it???
If marriage is to help each other out WHY put up with one doing more then the other?

my hubby knows full well that if I end up having to do it all myself, because he refused to or didn't want to.... I would send him packing.
I refuse to be a door mat.I've been there and will not go there again. if you benefit from what I am doing (food, extra money ...) you better be willing to make it easier for me to do it.

I didnt hear that part in my wedding vows...

Perhaps that is part of the problem in some marriages. I didnt marry Yvonne to have a helper... I married her coz I love her and enjoy spending time with her. If she wants to take on a project... more power to her, she knows where the tools are. If I want to take on a project... I do so. I dont remember where I read this, or to whom the credit goes... but its a great quote and I have always tried my best to remember these words when I doubt myself.... or others.

"I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful."

My Yvonne owes me NOTHING. Anything she does on my behalf is a special gift and I appreciate it. Anything I do on her behalf I do because I want to, and she still owes me nothing in return. I cannot imagine being married to anyone that keeps a "score card".

Yvonne's hubby · #36 03/30/12, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pony

I think Callieslamb's point was that there are environments of "Family Cooperation and Learning" and then there are environments of "the grownups crack the whip, yell and scream if you do something wrong even if you don't know how to do it, but never say GOOD JOB when you actually get something right."

I've seen both dynamics in action, and I can tell you which one is preferable.

The first (healthy) dynamic instills a sense of worth and competence.

The second is shaming and demeaning. It instills a sense of worthlessness and feelings of incompetence/insecurity.

Oh, I agree that praise should be there in those rare instances when a child actually does something well.

Pony · #37 03/30/12, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yvonne's hubby

"I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful."
.

Bah. 70's happy crappy dreck, IMO.

When I married Nick, I promised to be his helpmeet, to be his supporter, to "have and to hold" - and that certainly means that he can count on me to work right alongside him.

Don't know what (if any) vows you exchanged with Yvonne. Must have been pretty nebulous if all your relationship is based on is that bit of psychobabble fluff.

Yvonne's hubby · #38 03/30/12, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pony

Bah. 70's happy crappy dreck, IMO.

When I married Nick, I promised to be his helpmeet, to be his supporter, to "have and to hold" - and that certainly means that he can count on me to work right alongside him.

Don't know what (if any) vows you exchanged with Yvonne. Must have been pretty nebulous if all your relationship is based on is that bit of psychobabble fluff.

Our vows were the standard issue the preacher provided... love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold... etc. Nothing about obeying or being a servant to each other. I dont recall anything in them about who will do the laundry or tend the garden. That "psychobabble fluff" works pretty well for us. She does what she wants to do with her life, and so do I. We are quite happy together. Your milage obviously varies.

Pony · #39 03/30/12, 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yvonne's hubby

Our vows were the standard issue the preacher provided... love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold... etc. Nothing about obeying or being a servant to each other. I dont recall anything in them about who will do the laundry or tend the garden. That "psychobabble fluff" works pretty well for us. She does what she wants to do with her life, and so do I. We are quite happy together. Your milage obviously varies.

The "standard issue" vows ("have, hold, honor, cherish, love") mean exactly that: To serve each other in love.

We each have a servant heart, and we hold our marriage relationship to be the most important in our lives. Why would we not want to do what we can to build up our mate?

Yvonne's hubby · #40 03/30/12, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pony

The "standard issue" vows ("have, hold, honor, cherish, love") mean exactly that: To serve each other in love.

We each have a servant heart, and we hold our marriage relationship to be the most important in our lives. Why would we not want to do what we can to build up our mate?

I think there is a difference twixt doing things to build up... or help out... our mates because we want to, than if our mate expects us to... or demands it. I find your definition of those vows somewhat different than my own. I do have, hold, honor, cherish and love my Yvonne.... but I do not "own" her, nor will I be owned by anyone. We are individuals, both with our own minds, talents and dreams. We do share many of the same goals and dreams, and we do work together to get where we want to be.... but I do not "expect" anything from her. And certainly do not expect her to be my "servant". Slavery died in this country a long time ago. Lets keep it buried.