Domestic violence and my family

Dude, you would be well-advised to take your personal issues to your own thread. Your own experience, and your perspective on them, are legitimate to you and you are entitled to get feedback on them. However, trying to inject your own baggage into the O/P's thread and situation is not constructive. I take you at your word that you are not intentionally trolling, but just have the sense to realize this isn't the time or place.

I know how hard it is to fight for yourself after being in an abusive relationship. Folks, there is no reason for her to lie here as we cannot affect the outcome of her divorce. So she is most likely telling the truth we just dont know both sides of the story. And personally I do not want to know both sides that is for the judge to hear. After anyone has been doing the eggshell walk for a number of years there may not be enough self esteem to fight for yourself. Try fighting for the lives of your children. Fight so you can give THEM a better life without violence and or excessive anger and fear. You owe this to your children so GO GET HIM.

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www.MontanaSticksAndStones.com at Goshen Farm

Originally Posted by Sara in IN View Post
Get the best pit bull of a lawyer in 10 counties.

As a displaced homemaker, depending on state laws, you should get half of everything, including retirement accounts. Watch for financial fun & games and downright dishonesty by your soon-to-be ex. You might end up having to sell some acreage, preferably to the guy currently farming the ground and Mr Dipstick will have a hunk of his paycheck going to child support and alimony, and funding education to allow you to get a decent job, along with child care during that time, if needed.

Yer mama can go soak her head as this is 2011, not 1951, and the man is as likely to go over the hill and never be seen again as he was in 1931.

Now, go find a really good divorce lawyer, change your phone number, let the soon to be ex have only a "disposable" phone number ( ie a prepaid cell phone) and grow the skin of a rhino.

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SE Wisconsin

This is the most absurd thing I have ever heard said on a forum. Intelligence does not equate in any way with emotion. Love in its many facets is a very powerful emotion. An intelligent woman or man in a relationship without love is a cold, dead person. How can you have a relationship with someone you care about without emotion? Despite ones intelligence, be that person a woman or man, when you try to mix genuine love and concern with facts and logic in a given situation, the results are extremely complicated. Complicated in a wonderful way, or a terrible way. But I can tell you this, I bet a lot of emotion, be it bad or good, in the original poster's relationship died a long, long time ago and has long since been buried under the scars of abuse.

No one ever wants to up and leave the life one has lived and worked hard towards for so very long. It's especially terrifying when one party feels trapped because they have very little employable skills and children to potentially support. And terrifying when you know the other party will do anything to keep their spouse around. 'Logic' - hmmm, do I stay with the abuser, or do I exchange my otherwise comfortable life for possible abject poverty working 40 hours a week and going to school 20 hours per week? How is that for logic? How does one weigh such things?

It's because of twisted people like you that I don't post my personal 'drama' on boards like this. No one needs to be further torn down when they are hurting. I have cried a few tears reading this thread. I wish I were not an emotional being, generally I'm extremely strong and well balanced, but when someone you care about works against you, it's hard to stay balanced, and hard to stay strong.

QUOTE=quietstar;5229574]Intelligent,Well Balanced women resist the common female failing of being governed by emotion rather than proven facts and grown-up logic.[/QUOTE]

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Cathy Sizer
Newland Nubians
www.newlandnubians.com
www.sizerfarm.com (also heavy breed chickens and commercial dorset sheep)
New Castle, VA USA

"BUT AS IT IS THE STORY STINKS!"

Well, guess what: domestic violence and abuse does stink. I also have the t-shirt. Someone going through this needs a shoulder to lean on and an ear willing to listen, which I am glad to do. If you aren't, go read a comic book or something, but don't kick someone when they are down. There is nothing positive in that.

QUOTE=quietstar;5229574]Intelligent,Well Balanced women resist the common female failing of being governed by emotion rather than proven facts and grown-up logic.[/QUOTE]

This is a common but erroneous rational used by those who want to place all responsibility on women. The whole 'goverened by emotion' and 'grown up logic' arguments are made to equate women with female children, and can't stand up to simple logic.

Does anybody actually read the posts in this forum BEFORE you comment on them?
Where did you get that idea? Did I say something of that kind? OR are you talking about someone else? or could it just simply be that since you were not happy with how the MEN YOU PICKED have treated you you just hate all men and accuse them of being abusers or sympathetic to them??

Let me repeat, Do you read the posts or just pic a few words and go off on them?
the entire point was that the op offers confusing information that simply does not make sense. She need to clarify to get useful advise but even yet with all that I still tried to make helpful points.

Bless your heart- soul and Children- you are a strong woman- I can read that in your post- good luck to you and you are in my prayers.... just because you spoke the truth- puts you miles ahead of anyone else in healing....(((((((hugs)))))))))))

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"If you can find a nice pretty country girl that can cook and carries her bible, now there's a woman." - Phil Robertson

CEO and President of SWS (Skirt Wearing Society)

Women that are getting away from long term abusive relationships are very often confused themselves and may say things that wouldn't make sense to anyone that has never endured an abusive relationship.

Although what the OP wrote may make no sense to you, to plenty of us that have BTDT, it makes perfect sense.

rondallb, you and your children have been in my prayers. Please check back in and let us know you are safe.

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http://homesteadingfamilies.proboards.com/

You know what? I grew up watching my father physically and emotionally abuse my mother, yet today I'm happy, well-adjusted, sober, employed, etc. So if you're justifying your actions by the fact they obviously didn't ruin your children, think again. Sometimes kids turn out OK in spite of their parents, not because of.

Obviously I don't know you or your situation, so I can't say whether this shoe fits in your case. Just sayin'!

Also ... a lot of abusers never rise to the level of batterers simply because their spouse is timid and/or quick to acquiesce. They don't batter because they don't need to ... the raised voice, tirade, raised hand, holes punched in the walls, items thrown across the room, etc., are sufficient. The spouse backs down and lets them have their way. Mission accomplished!

Occasionally a spouse who has lived under such conditions finally works up the courage to leave ... whereupon the abandoned mate can claim, truthfully, "But I never laid a hand on her!" (Or "him," as the case may be.)

Another shoe for you to try on ...

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"I love all of this mud," said no one, ever.

It is interesting that after being away from here for so long, I came back to find this thread. I just recently left my husband after many years of mental abuse. We really don't have anything so there won't be anything to divide. I do think he should pay some sort of child support but if he doesn't, at this point I don't care. I finally have the burden and stress of him lifted from my shoulders.

For years I have had friends tell me I was in an abusive relationship but I never wanted to hear it. I couldn't believe that I would let someone abuse me. But I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave. My kids are mostly staying neutral so that helps, but he is telling them it's all my fault and I don't want to try. The fact is, I have been trying for over 20 years.

I'm sure he will never admit he abused me since he never hit me (though he did other unacceptable things). But I don't care, really. I have to do what I have to do for my own mental health and I think that will help my physical health as well.

Anyhow, to the OP, keep on keepin' on. You'll pull through. And from looking at the posts here, I think you'll have plenty of support if you need someone to talk to. {{{hugs}}}

Well guess what? If she wants reasonable and inteligent replys she cant speak in some form of gibberish incomprehensable to anyone but your click.
Besides I dont belive you I think you simply are ignoring parts not understanding them . If you do, feel free to explain them to the rest of us so we too will understand.

fantasymaker, as someone who deplores the current, long-term abuse of the English language and the virtual murder of grammar that the internet has brought to us in the last decade and a half, I can still say:

Judging a person by the way they write in posts will only end up making you feel about an inch tall someday.

It is the same as angrily asking WHY you were never informed of So-and-so's birth so you could send a present or acknowledgement, and being quietly told that the baby was stillborn. Would tend to take the wind out of your sails, wouldn't it?

And here you are, loudly proclaiming that the OP must not want reasonable or intelligent replies because, in your mind, she is not writing in a fashion that is easily understood by you....well, what if you were suddenly presented with proof that part of the abuse that she suffered was to have her hands badly crushed? That she is neither stupid, nor uneducated, but is really, honestly trying to communicate as best as she can, but emotional injury coupled with physical injury is just not all that easy to overcome?

You'd feel like a darn heel and a cad if you discovered that, and you well know it.

A good way to avoid ever feeling like a heel or a cad is to attempt (Not always easy, don't I know it! I blow my top too! Just ask anyone on the goat forum about my feelings on disbudding!) to remain perfectly polite, and keep criticism as much to yourself as you can, unless and until you can honestly say that you are FULLY aware of all the ins and outs of the situation and can therefore JUSTIFY criticism. (I.e., I happen to know that person, and I have been to her farm, and therefore I can feel perfectly fine in telling you that she treats her horses BADLY. Do NOT buy a horse from her; she is nearly completely ignorant about horses in general AND particular! Also, she is a loud mouth!)

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Glenn, that logical, reasonable woman crap is total BS, as is about as sexist as one can get. Women are subject to the weakness of emotion! ~snorts~ Yeah, and men are subject to the weakness of testosterone; therefore, we should NEVER believe anything one of them says because we ALL know what they are thinking with!

What, you don't believe that men are morally and intellectually weak due to their sexual drives? You only get one yardstick, so you had better make sure it is a good one as YOU will be measured by it also.

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To the OP, pleased do not be discouraged by the naysayers. I know that is hard, as abuse victims tend to not have very good emotional and mental protective boundaries and easily believe the worst about themselves. No matter WHAT Glenn might say, you are NOT a gold digger. Gold diggers don't worry about their homesteading tools and canning equipment, they worry about their diamond rings and new Mercedes, as well as their yearly vacation in Aruba.

Nor are you inarticulate, or even a bad writer. I have understood what you have tried to communicate. If others are not able to figure out some rather simple sentences, then they should never become writers, proof-readers, copy-editors, teachers, post office workers, secretaries, executives, or any number of other professions where figuring out what the client, boss, employee, student, etc., is trying to say might mean the difference between having work or not.

~smiles warmly~ Besides, those folks are generally just looking for something to complain about. Pay them no mind. Neither you, nor Homesteading Today, have put forth any guarantees on the literary or teaching quality of any posts made.

I hope you are either out hunting for, or have found, a REALLY good lawyer.

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Peace,
Caliann

"First, Show me in the Bible where it says you can save someone's soul by annoying the hell out of them." -- Chuck

Really?

Peg

LOL Now Calli I know your a smart girl but your just not reading what I say. YOU have something else in mind and thats where you (and some others) are determined to go.
Where did I EVER say anything like the bolded part.
Do you see the difference? ITS a TOTALLY different meaning.
I have to admit It aggravates me when I carefully pick my words to clearly say somthing and then others somehow get something else out of it.I would be honestly gratefull if you would explain to me how you processed what I wrote into meaning what you wrote. Im not trying to be a smart but here.Its just something that mystifiys me.


As for the other part She wrote a lot, if she could write that she could write a bit more to clarifiy the situation.
Would I feel bad for her if shes dealing with crushed hands? yes but would I feel like a heel? Not at all.
I type with two fingers and feel doubly blessed thay I can use TWO!(no they are not damaged thats just all the skill I have.

No critacisum here. Just a bit of helpfull advise. Ok mybe a bit of critacisum in "the strory sucks" line but even that is ment to alert her that if shes telling the same story to friends and family that shes not getting her side across well enough to help her story.

I can certainly tell ....who has walked in OP shoes.
I will make my suggestions
1)get a great lawyer..all communication done THROUGH lawyer
close all credit card accounts. etc Protect current assets per lawyer and protect future assets thru lawyer
2)get a gun and know how to use it
3) Find a support group and family support for the kids
4)one step at a time, one day at a time
head on towards a life of freedom and personal choices free of intimidation
5) surround yourself with people who are positive and inspiring..ignore, delete, and computer block those that are not
may God bless you and your family

Why Bless your unbelieving heart! It matters not one whit to me if you believe me or not. I have not been put in this world to try to make you or anyone else believe my words

Being on the receiving end of verbal, emotion or physical abuse is one of those cases where if you haven't been there, it's hard to explain.

Both the abuser and the abused have 'tells' that are pretty easy to pick up on. I think her OP was pretty straight forward and more than just 'my' clique can see what is going on. I'm more than certain there is another side of this story, but I've heard many renditions of that side also.

I have the time, but not the inclination to clue you in. From your posts, I doubt you would be able to comprehend any explanation without your bias.

I really have to laugh at your own misuse of the English language & syntax.

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http://homesteadingfamilies.proboards.com/

I have for years tried to dissuade my daughters from marriage, but they tell me to shut up. I will show them this thread.

From the many stories here, there is a high probability that should they get married, they will be verbally, emotionally, and physically abused. Their husband will take the money and the house and the kids, unless they get the best lawyer they can.

Then he will kill them.

I don't understand why women keep falling for marriage. There seems to be a failure in educating girls of the risks.

"Any woman who reads the marriage contract, and then enters into it, deserves what she gets." -- Dorothy Parker

The problem is, D.J. is how many people, male or female, actually look up and READ what the marriage contract actually consists of? It is not written out in the license. It is actually not written out ANYWHERE ... the couple doesn't even SIGN the contract...they simply sign the license.

In no other area of contractual law are the parties encouraged to enter into the contract with so much ignorance about what it actually entails.

Get a copy of what your state considers the actual contract of marriage, and have your daughters read THAT. It will take the romance RIGHT out of it.

As it is, you may be speaking sarcastically. If so, then I want you to think back to when you were courting your wife.... and the sorts of things young men were taught about back then. Was emotional and physical self control considered a pre-requisite to being a man?

Back when I was young, and more so when my mother was young, it was considered cowardly and un-masculine for a man to raise his hand to a woman in anger. Women were considered to be weak and defenseless, and therefore to strike one was on the same level as kicking kittens. You had to be pretty low if you got your kicks beating up on girls.

Now, think about it, is the same belief and social-structure true today? While DV is certainly more OPEN today and facts about it are no longer shrouded in mystery, I have noticed that the social stigma attached to being a man who is violent against women is no longer there. Men no longer police their own and ostracize those who engage in such acts. Yet women have not gotten any larger or tougher, or physically stronger, then they were 40 or 50 years ago.

It's something to think about.

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Peace,
Caliann

"First, Show me in the Bible where it says you can save someone's soul by annoying the hell out of them." -- Chuck

I want to make a few points here.That's the first! This isn't a swipe at the original poster, or at people who have suffered. It's simply a statement that a lot of people are deliberately or ignorantly refusing to recognise how many people have and are still suffering.
ELOCN et al, it's a pity you don't think to include men in the list. It's symptomatic of a major injustice many others are also perpetrating, though. Even in a balanced world, men (and their children with them) are at least as likely to be abused as are women, and with today's laws and biased attitudes, more likely. The bare unsupported word of a woman gets a man accused of and (he and his innocent children) punished for what he didn't do, whereas a man has to prove something to a criminal level, beyond all reasonable doubt, before anyone will even begin to listen to him. This is the "affirmative action" attitude - instead of equality, punish today's innocent for what history's possibly unconnected guilty may have done.
All men are equal before the law, but some (wo)men are more equal than others.

There's also the point that many people are much more ready than formerly to give up on a marriage. Hey, it's a contract, sworn to (at least verbally but supported by signature on the licence) by the couple, before God, the witnesses, the congregation, and their entire society. There may be wrong, and it may be only on one side, but people were expected to try to revive a troubled marriage rather than just bailing out. Now, bailing out seems to be the first choice, using every option you have (just, unjust, accusing a loving father of child sexual abuse, anything and everything, fair and respectable or outright lies), rather than trying. Sometimes you just can't manage it, but you owe it to yourselves, to God (if you involved Him in your marriage), to all parties in the marriage, the people who witnessed your marriage, the people who accepted your married state, your children if any, and society in general, to try to keep the marriage in an acceptable state.

AS TO THE ORIGINAL POSTER, I agree with what many have said. You need a GOOD lawyer (and what you've said so far doesn't convince that you have one). Make sure YOU are convinced you have one. Really REALLY convinced. It is far more expensive (beyond most people's reach) to recover from having a poor one than it is to start out right. Here speaketh the voice of sad experience.

ALSO, protect yourself financially. Get all the financial statements you can, so it can be proven he's been hiding money, if he has (otherwise he can hide the evidence, and who's to know?). Then withdraw half from every account - you may be entitled to more, but you are certainly entitled to no less. Then close every account that has your name on it, and open others in another bank or credit union (not just another branch, but another company or organisation). I tend to favour credit unions - they are much more supportive of their members than banks are of their victims.

ALSO, on the face of it, the original poster appears to have good reason for what she's done, and what she's doing. Granted that's true, then YOU (and your family) do need help in sorting yourself out, not just physically and financially, but also mentally and emotionally. You and the kids NEED to go through counselling, right now while events are still current, so an uninvolved third party can help you get a clear viewpoint on what you have undergone, what you have, what you are entitled to, and where you can go and what you can do in the future. There's also the point that doing it now will have him paying for at least half of it.