i hate confrontation, but....

i have been reading on a site about how to handle this kinda stuff. 'pass the bean dip', 'just not possible', and one other, i love it! and keep saying it til the offender goes away.

i always fret over what i'll say--but hey, wait, i do not owe this guy ANY explaination!!

for many years, on ranches we worked for but did not own, i had to put up with this sort of thing. it wasnt' my property so that's just the way it goes--move my horses so they can use the pen, move the goats, have ppl all over the place, using the phone.....but this is MY property and i know i may be a bit touchy on this sort of topic, so i am THRILLED you all have chimed in, so i know it aint' just me thinking how rotten this is!!!

i'm pretty giving, and friendly. but i am going to make it my mission to grow a spine. hopefully DH will continue to do so as well. cannot express how great it felt to have him back me up!

that's awesome! Did you tell him that? because a little positive reinforcement goes a long way. Tell him how much you appreciated it, and maybe he'll realize how serious the situation is.

You ought to express it pretty clearly..

you BET i DID!!! *big grin*

This is the best thing you've said yet...You don't owe this guy an explanation...You don't owe him anything...Tell him how it is, if he asks "why" tell him "because i said so."

When you explain yourself to someone in these matters what you are really doing is answering to their demand for information to judge whether your reasoning is valid...you don't have to answer to them...

My Len has a real hard time saying no when he is asked for help. I have had to step in before to stop the situation from happening. We have had discussions about this and he is gotten much better, but occasionally does slip and agree to do something he regrets later. Even considering that, he would respect in a very negative way should anyone trespass, neighbor or not. No one is allowed to walk into our home, without knocking, and I discourage even my friends from just "popping in." When it comes to backing me up on anything, he has my back in a very big way. His sons are like that and so is my biological son, too. In fact, my daughter, Andrea' also doesn't hesitate to back me, either.

We don't have neighbors expecting something for nothing, here. However, Len did have some issues with people at our Church. A gal couldn't rope any of the guys to work on her fence/gate for free, so she nabbed Len, who couldn't hear half of what she said, and unknowingly agreed to work a day for free when she could well afford to pay him... Same group, another person, this time a guy. He called up Len and asked why we weren't in Church, because we really needed to be there. I called him back and found myself actually explaining we hadn't gotten home until 2am from the 35th high school reunion event (Len's) the night before and my sister was over all day. Then, I hear that we need to put God first and do a Bible study. I heard myself saying no, and then telling him why we couldn't add that to our schedule. He didn't back off when he should have, either. Meanwhile, Len thought we could go once in a while to the study. I was firm in saying no, but blew it by explaining why. That was none of his business. My "no" should simply suffice. "Boundaries" is a good book! I read that years ago.

chewie- You will be treated with respect when you lay down those boundaries, and more so, when you enforce them.

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Christie Acres
www.SequimForLife.com
http://www.irealtyvirtualbrokers.com...lori-christie/
http://luxurywaterviewhomes.com/
SequimLiving@gmail.com

Whatever it takes to get him to Stand UP and protect you!!!!

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I am sure of two things: There is a God, and I am not Him.
The movie Rudy

Yup, I don't even walk into my families houses like that when I show up, and were close family.

I almost always call before I visit so they are expecting me, and knock before I go in at my parents and sister's houses.. It shows a total lack of respect and I wouldn't just walk in unannounced even if they said I could.

I'm also the type that helps almost anyone who asks, though when I need help if they don't return the favor after a few chances they get no more help in the future.. Fair's fair and it needs to be a two way street even if it's only a thanks and apple pie..

yeah what jill just said....i bet that will work.... do not like being a doormat, then quit....

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LIVE LIKE SOMEONE LEFT THE GATE OPEN

Perhaps you might consider getting a nice protective dog. My LGD likes to stop folks at the door with a show of fangs and a growl. Or meet the man at the door carrying a gun/shotgun. I have done that late at night when a stranger has knocked on the door(single mom).
I raise goats too but there is a breeding fee ($50 a doe). And they need to be in a separate pen. Also, there is a boarding charge of $5 a day to cover feed, hay, and my labor. That usually discourages folks who want something free. My buck is half my herd and I spend good money for the best I can afford.
The best way to stop a user is confrontation, I hate it too but if you don't they/he will make your life a living hell. Do not let him do that to you.

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Living the good life in Kansas.

Heh, not a bad idea.. My two German shepherds would take an awfully dim view of the neighbor just walking in..

Chewie, I am anxious to hear how this goes. Please let us know.

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I yam what I yam and that's all what I yam.

Popeye

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's a shame you can't just enjoy being a pleasant person in your own home and on your own property.

I had a couple do this kind of stuff to me several years ago and I didn't say 'no' until I was so mad, I was hateful about it. They started out just visiting every day and then conveniently, their visits always started happening at dinner time. They got into an argument or something with the people boarding their horse, so they brought the horse and turned it into our pasture. No feed, no hay, just "need to keep her here until we can find something else". Eventually, they started asking what was for dinner or where we were going and what time we'd be back whenever they caught us leaving. The husband came over one night after we had eaten out (alone) and told me to "fix him something to drink" while he explained that it didn't hurt me to cook for them every night since his wife worked and I didn't. I took the glass I had filled for him and dumped it on his head while explaining to HIM that he and his wife were NOT my responsibility and were no longer welcome in my home. DH had told me to stand up to them for a while but I asked him to not say anything, just to be polite. He told me I would snap at some point if I didn't step up but I thought it would go away on it's own.

They haven't spoken to me since. We moved from that area, like, 10 years ago but they still speak to DH whenever they run into him. The husband always asks DH if he's "still with that crazy woman" (meaning me). I don't care. Some people are just not worth worrying over.

You got it, sister. For some reason we always feel we need to offer an excuse as to why we can't/won't do 'x'. As soon as you offer a reason, they start arguing and eroding the reason. If you just say, "No" there's nothing they can argue against. They keep asking "why?" you just keeping saying, "Sorry, it's just not possible." "I'm afraid that's not convenient." "No, I really can't." and repeat until they give up and go away.

And don't say "I can't right now" or "it's not possible today" because that just leaves the door open to "later" or "tomorrow".

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Karen
Birchtree Homestead Farm
http://birchtreefarm.com
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Yes, I love that site too! I believe it was Pony who told me about it.

I don't have any problem with confrontation myself though.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/

I know exactly how you feel. I hate any type of confrontation, too. But there comes a time when you have to preserve your own sanity. I usually say "Gosh, I'm really sorry, but I can't". It is important not to offer any explanation at all. If they ask why you just repeat "I can't, I'm sorry". If they have the nerve to ask yet again you just have to look them right in the eye and say "BECAUSE I CAN'T", glare, turn on your heels and leave. Anyone crass enough to ask why you can't do them a favor isn't going to be sensitive enough to have their feelings hurt.

Mary

That's a very good observation...

EGGS-ZACKLY!

You talk reasonable with this guy and it's going to be water off of a duck's back. You need to blow up over this. A planned blow up. That's the only thing that will get his attention. In your planned blow up, touch on the points that bother you the most. If you want to move away from them, do it now. If you want to keep the same relationship, but with control, confront him that way.

No matter what, don't treat him like you would a reasonable person, because it will be totally lost on him and you will have lost the opportunity.

Good luck. It's no fun, but you need to do it.

Jennifer

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-Northern NYS

Chewie, DON'T TAKE THE ADVICE of the former posts recommending you just "BLOW UP" on the guy. I have known some awful things to happen to a woman, who came off like a doormat, and then snapped on a controlling idiot. If you need to confront him, you do so with your husband by your side (that may still cause a scenario you may wish not to happen). Simply saying no, setting boundaries, and sticking to them will accomplish exactly what you want without things getting OUT OF HAND. Also, make sure you have a deadlock on your door, and keep it locked. Should the neighbor come over when your husband is gone? Simply don't answer the door. Then, he should be informed, when your husband is present, that he is never welcome at your home with a call first, permission, or an invitation.

The way I handle people, saying no, and sticking to my boundaries? Earns me respect; ugly behavior doesn't. Even so, some will consider me a b---- for saying no, and I don't care what they think.

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Christie Acres
www.SequimForLife.com
http://www.irealtyvirtualbrokers.com...lori-christie/
http://luxurywaterviewhomes.com/
SequimLiving@gmail.com

these last few posts have be very helpful. that is where i really fret, 'well, if i tell him no, then what reason will i say?' i then go thru a gazillon things to tell a person, so they can't find a way to go around my excuse--where all this WILL be changed cuz i will be using the simple, 'gosh, i just can't.' use and repeat!!

they haven't called for 2 days. ahhh, sweet peace. i am someone who really wants to be a good neighbor, doing chores while they are gone etc., and hope they could do the same for me sometime, but after a while i figured out i'd NEVER let my place in their hands, but still wished to keep the friendship of the wife. i doubt she has any idea of any of this, as i talked to her last about the breeding and she was fine with how i wanted things. things just went ugly when the husband stuck his nose into it. but, he 'knows everything'. *rolling eyes*

And don't say "I can't right now" or "it's not possible today" because that just leaves the door open to "later" or "tomorrow".

this one really made sense too--i have set myself up this way before! didn't even think about it! he will call, can you babysit in 20 minutes? hour? when? tomorrow too? then they show up an hour early, dump off the kids, then don't show up on time either, by a few hours!! so saying no, i can't, and that's all, will go a long ways to fixing much of it.

thanks so much, i feel better knowing i have a way to handle this! and yes, i can do it.