i hate confrontation, but....

bnlfan · #21 09/20/10, 06:45 PM

Oh man, I understand 100%

I have neighbors who I refer to as "The Needys".

I gave them this name because they are coming over on almost a daily basis wanting something. The husband is a dead beat alchoholic drug addict. Now for the 3rd time he is out of the picture. Only now they are a divorced couple.

Well, now the mother or 30 year old son comes around asking, "Mom wants to know if you have....(fill in the blank)". This last time I cut him off in mid sentence with a sharp "NO! I don't have any." He then asks, "Well, do you have any..." I replied "No, I don't have any now, later, or ever." I can't help you.

They seem to stay away when the husband was around but now it is a non-stop borrowfest.

The husband stopped coming over after I pulled a gun. I told his wife to let him know that if anyone walks into my house, I will consider it a burglary and respond as such. Oh, by the way, (I said) I have to use a shot gun with a wide spread because I am not really a great shot.

It worked but, there is one problem.

The f$@%@%ing son showed up and started knocking, knocking, knocking, knocking, and knocking non stop. Then pretended to apologize for disturbing me.

We have reason to believe that the son has come into our homes when we are not home. He showed up at my parents home last Sunday at 6:30 am. Came through the patio door to the back sliding door and knocked.

My Dad put a stop to that.

You know what he wanted?

"Hey, can you make me a Sandwich?"

I'm not kidding. He has been taught to beg for anything he wants.

Like the others have suggested, I answer with one word in a very strong tone. NO.

ChristyACB · #22 09/20/10, 07:22 PM

These people are basically making you their serf in increments. You may hate confrontation but you should just grow a pair temporarily and tell them you are a human adult and that is that. What you've described is absolutely unacceptable. Next he'll be strollling in while you in the shower and telling you to take the kids through the curtain!

Patt · #23 09/20/10, 07:25 PM

It sounds like you do need to draw a line here, I definitely would not have any animals dropped on my property that I had not thoroughly inspected first. And unless they were paying me I don't see why you need to cover the feed for their does, they should either borrow your buck or offer some feed/money.

Your neighbor has got into the bad habit of just doing things and apologising later and most of the time he probably gets what he wants that way. You need to make that not work for him anymore. Personally I would take the goats right back home and tell him when he wants to come over discuss things he is welcome to providing he calls first. If he shows up without calling you tell him you are busy and he needs to call.

It's sort of like training a dog or a small child they only get what they want after they have done what you want. Trust me unless there is something honestly wrong with the guy he will learn you have boundaries and he will act accordingly. The vast majority of people do.

nc_mtn · #24 09/20/10, 08:55 PM

walk over to where they keep their goat feed and take some for "their goats"... When he comes back over for something, get him to "help" you with a project... turn the table

Wendy · #25 09/20/10, 10:35 PM

Load up the goats & go dump them back at his house.

Rosebud · #26 09/20/10, 11:13 PM

In most states if you let someone put something on your property you are responsible for it. So if the goat get out and does damage to someone elses property or dies or is injuried somehow you are responsible for the vet bills or the damage. So I would call him and tell him to get the goats off my property by dark or I will be calling the sheriff and then the humane society to come and get them.

Common Tator · #27 09/20/10, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chewie

here i am again, the same neighbor who doesn't knock has now decided that he can put his does (goats) in with my buck whether i am home or not. this was not arranged ealier neither. last week i talked to his wife, who i like veyr much, and said this week we would work something out on when they could bring them over. not just come on down and dump em!! argh!!

i now lock my doors and he's been trying them. i got home very very late (or very early!) so wasn't up to visits yet this morning and just didn't answer the door. so he tried the latch. then just drove his trailer over to my buck pen, dumped out these 2 does and left?!!

I would go over there with my hubby in tow, and with both the creepy neighbor and his wife present, look him directly in the eye and tell him that he is not to enter your house unless invited in. Tell him that his repeated intrusions into your home make you extremely uncomfortable. Tell him (with wife listening) that he is stepping beyond the realm of propriety, and that it is an intrusion into your privacy and you will not tolerate it. Get your hubby to back this up. This will be much easier if he is standing there beside you giving the guy the stink eye. Even if hubby is the non-confrontational type, he should be able to reach into the depths of his manhood and muster up a convincing "nuff said?"

Even if the creepy guy doesn't believe he should need an invite into your home, his WIFE will be the enforcer here, because she probably doesn't realize that he is walking into another woman's home when she is alone. That should put him in the doghouse for a good long while.

pheasantplucker · #28 09/21/10, 05:41 AM

No one enjoys confrontation...but this situation demands it. Tell him straight up what he's done to upset you and why. Make it clear he needs to stop assuming you are there to make his life easier. Put padlocks on your gates. If he tries to pawn his kids off on you tell him NO...and if he says, "Why? you going somewhere?" Tell him no...because I don't want to. Good luck. I had some neighbors years ago who tried to pull some similar stuff. They don't get it unless you're really really BLUNT with them.

Ardie/WI · #29 09/21/10, 06:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chewie

here i am again, the same neighbor who doesn't knock has now decided that he can put his does (goats) in with my buck whether i am home or not. this was not arranged ealier neither. last week i talked to his wife, who i like veyr much, and said this week we would work something out on when they could bring them over. not just come on down and dump em!! argh!!

i now lock my doors and he's been trying them. i got home very very late (or very early!) so wasn't up to visits yet this morning and just didn't answer the door. so he tried the latch. then just drove his trailer over to my buck pen, dumped out these 2 does and left?!! i said several weeks ago, that yes, i'd bred his does with my buck, but also said how we'd go about it, and this weren't it! now i'm sorry i agreed at all.

sometimes they call, often they have their kids call for things, and if they dont' get an immediate reply (i'm not ususally sitting by the phone or even inside!) they come right over, and being overly demanding. the other day it was for babysitting--i was on my way out so didn't answer the phone. within minutes, here he was, with teh kid in tow, HE was busy; so here, take "johnny' for a while.

i know others in the area aren't fond of him, and now i see why!! i hate any type of confrontation, and i think i must come off as a door mat to these types, they seem to flock to me like moths to flame!? like it or not, looks like i'm going to have to work at setting boundries with this fella. i am hoping to do so and still keep the friendly neighbor situation, esp with his wife. any tips on going about this peacefully are welcome!

How about growing some starch in your spine!

Seriously you must really enjoy this treatment or you would have put an end to it a long time ago!

Laura Zone 10 · #30 09/21/10, 06:18 AM

He's a bully.
Handle him accordingly.
Time for your husband to roll up his sleeves and take care of business.

7thswan · #31 09/21/10, 06:47 AM

Take goats out and return them, tell him you do not let breeding be done without supervision, because of possible injuries. Never ever do another thing for these people-not one single solitary thing. If you want to do things for people- only do it for people that appreciate it. Get control of yourself girl!(I meen that nicely)

Topaz Farm · #32 09/21/10, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chewie

<snip> the other day it was for babysitting--i was on my way out so didn't answer the phone. within minutes, here he was, with teh kid in tow, HE was busy; so here, take "johnny' for a while.

<snip>

Wow!! Bringing his goats over and just dropping them off is one thing, but just dropping off his "kid" is way over the top.

You really need to practice the word NO. Study on some of the suggestions given and try them out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bnlfan

Oh man, I understand 100%

I have neighbors who I refer to as "The Needys".

The husband stopped coming over after I pulled a gun. I told his wife to let him know that if anyone walks into my house, I will consider it a burglary and respond as such. Oh, by the way, (I said) I have to use a shot gun with a wide spread because I am not really a great shot.

Meeting the guy at the door with a gun was going to be what I suggested. If you are afraid that you might "accidently" shoot the intruder, unload it. He wouldn't know.

Quote:

It worked but, there is one problem.

The f$@%@%ing son showed up and started knocking, knocking, knocking, knocking, and knocking non stop. Then pretended to apologize for disturbing me.

We have reason to believe that the son has come into our homes when we are not home. He showed up at my parents home last Sunday at 6:30 am. Came through the patio door to the back sliding door and knocked.

My Dad put a stop to that.

You know what he wanted?

"Hey, can you make me a Sandwich?"

I'm not kidding. He has been taught to beg for anything he wants.

Like the others have suggested, I answer with one word in a very strong tone. NO.

Are you serious????? Is that guy "all there". And I thought I had nutty neighbors.

We were having trouble with one, he actually told us how he could shoot over here and kill us, and no one would know. The DH went to the Sheriff, the DH told him that he was going to go armed on our property. Sheriff said go for it. Have to say he was drunk at the time, but I am sure that he was speaking the truth.

I started hunting "varmints" with my shotgun everytime I went out, so did the DH.

Another neighbors house burned and we let her put her two horses over here. Just keep the pens, just come do your own feeding, clean the pens, and help pay for the water. Fed when they felt like it, half way cleaned the pens and only when I mentioned, forget helping with the water.

While their horses were over here we built a shed in that pen, not just because of their horses. We were out there trying to put tin on and the wind was blowing. Her and her SO sat there and watched us struggle with the tin.

Heck, I had to go and buy another horse just to get them to remove theirs.

Told them I had to have the pen.

demeter · #33 09/21/10, 10:07 AM

I am the most mellow person you will ever know. But every so often, I just gotta get ugly. I really hate it, but someone told me a long time ago that you often have to lower your standards of communication when dealing with a nut. Because they are so low the normal standards just fly over their heads. You're trying to be rational with an irrational person, it usually just don't work.

demeter

Belfrybat · #34 09/21/10, 10:55 AM

I guess I really don't understand the problem. Call the sheriff or animal control officer RIGHT NOW and tell him two goats showed up in your pen without warning or your permission. Ask them to remove them or ask if it is legal for you to put them down. Then do it. If you can't stand to put them down, sell them. Tell the WIFE of the guy next door that the next time he walks in unannounced you will call the sheriff -- that he caught you in the shower and apparently is trying to it again -- then do what you promise! I don't know what you charge for babysitting their children, but double it and ask for the $$ upfront.

I don't agree with those who say to get your husband involved. It appears he is just as spineless as you are -- you are a grown up, so act like it. As long as you act like a weak scared child, you will be taken advantage of.

Frankly, if two strange goats showed up in my pen, I'd have cabrito for supper. And if the neighbours complain, just tell them you had no idea the goats were theirs as no one you know would just drop animals off like that.

Ruby · #35 09/21/10, 11:22 AM

I haven't read all the responses but while his goats are in your pen and something happens to them you will be liable. I would call him and tell him to come get his goats, that you don't have insurance that covers them. Then don't take no for an answer. He sounds like the type of person that would sue if something did happen to them.

Txrider · #36 09/21/10, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pheasantplucker

No one enjoys confrontation...but this situation demands it. Tell him straight up what he's done to upset you and why. Make it clear he needs to stop assuming you are there to make his life easier. Put padlocks on your gates. If he tries to pawn his kids off on you tell him NO...and if he says, "Why? you going somewhere?" Tell him no...because I don't want to. Good luck. I had some neighbors years ago who tried to pull some similar stuff. They don't get it unless you're really really BLUNT with them.

Yup a neighbor walks into my house and he'll get a earful the first time, and rules will be set.

Neighbor gets demanding about some kind of favor, that'll get set straight real quick too.

I'll help out a neighbor fine, but you gotta set the boundaries for folks who haven't the sense or respect to know them or respect them.

There's a book called "don't shoot the dog" you might ought to give a read, that is all about unwanted behavior and how to change it... Might want to give it a read..

JuliaAnn · #37 09/21/10, 11:57 AM

Is this the same man who has repeatedly walked into your house? Or am I confusing a past post with this?

I really don't want to sound paranoid, but if this is the same man who walks into your home, and now is demanding babysitting and leaving his goats there.... this man clearly doens't know what boundaries are. If I were in your situation, I would be concerned that he might attempt some kind of assault.

If he has this sort of access to your property and home, he likely knows when your husband is and is not home. You have not stood up to him so far. This could become, IN MY OPINION, a very dangerous situation.

You need to stop worrying about losing the wife's friendship--she clearly isn't your friend. You also need to stop worrying about alienating these people and consequently not having them as 'friendly neighbors' in case of an accident or emergency. IMO, again, IMO, this man is a disaster waiting to happen.

Just my .03, as usual.

Becka · #38 09/21/10, 12:07 PM

Chewie, this is not about being nice. Please, please set some STRONG boundaries NOW! If you do not, their behavior will escalate and by then they won't take you seriously. I agree with taking your dh with you. This could get dangerous. I've seen this type of behavior escalate to abuse/physical harm to the "nice person" who can't say no. The wife is no friend of yours if she lets her dh abuse your friendship.

Seriously, I'd call the police over and have them present when you tell him to come get his goats NOW. Let him know in no uncertain terms that he is NEVER allowed to drop his animals or his kid at your house again--EVER. Let him know he is never welcome on your property again and will be cited for trespassing. Get firm and get serious, girl. You can do it. It's hard, but you can do it--and once you've set those boundaries, don't backpedal, either. Stick to your guns.

Patt · #39 09/21/10, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bnlfan

We have reason to believe that the son has come into our homes when we are not home. He showed up at my parents home last Sunday at 6:30 am. Came through the patio door to the back sliding door and knocked.

My Dad put a stop to that.

You know what he wanted?

"Hey, can you make me a Sandwich?"

I'm not kidding. He has been taught to beg for anything he wants.

Like the others have suggested, I answer with one word in a very strong tone. NO.

It sounds to me like your neighbor's son is most likely mentally disabled in some way. Did you ever consider that?

Jan Doling · #40 09/21/10, 12:21 PM

Clearly there are some mental issues involved here.

Certainly both you and the husband need to stand united on this. Put it in writing and deliver it in person. I would tell him that I have medical issues and cannot be exposed to the stress he is causing, therefore he is not to come over, call, or attempt to contact you again. Goodbye.