Marriage?? Why has yours worked or failed??

I was married 13.5 years.
I have two daughters from it that make it all worth everything else.

Why it didn't work out - I was a distant 2nd to his businesses, and the girls didn't even register. And the finances, business dealings were dangerous, and I and the girls needed to be distanced legally from him and the situation.
Verbal abuse, yeah - in retrospect yes.
physical abuse - some types

I was going to divorce and move down the road and be close enough to be easy for the girls to go back and forth. But, due to him, I found out how I had to work with the governmetn for 5 years to keep my name clear of fraud charges. I found out that he married me cause I was 'reasonably attractive and it was time for him to be married". And what he didn't say, was so I would be a good business worker and helper and front for his liking for young and adult males. Also, I was naive and basically married as a front of normalicy. (1971 wedding - not as liberal as these days)

But, for the ones that said something like "for death do us part" in the marriage service was not good. I said it, I divorced him, and I kept that vow since there's not been anyone else - but he's dead now, by his own hand so he wont' have to face consequences of dangerous business deals.

He left a very deep impression on me.

But, on a happier note..
I've notice some REAL, CARING men on this site. Men that voluntarily hold their children, men that will stay home and take care of a wife or the family if the wife is ill, men that will fix a tire or plant a flower. Bless you good men.

Got to go, I'm crying now.

Three very good things from my ex
1. I went from naive and bookworm, to able to talk to anyone and a bookworm
2. Pam
3. Debbie

Angie

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"Live your life, and forget your age." Norman Vincent Peale

20 years in Nov here...and like some of you, when we married, we agreed that divorce was NEVER going to be an option. We agreed it would never be brought up and that we would somehow someway work out any problems.

We've faced almost everything a couple can face together. We've struggled with infertility, adopted a child, buried a child, undergone fertility treatment, birthed 4 wonderful children, lost 5 more thru miscarriage and still birth, faced horrible financial pressures and stresses, he's been injured on the job and was off work for 2.5 years iwth no pay and I am a stay at home mother. And a couple of things I won't go into here.

But still today, he tells me I am beautiful (which I am NOT) and he never fails to tell me how much he loves me. I admire him and his work ethic and the way he cherishes me. We are more in love today than the day we married.

The Lord is the center of our marriage and the center of our family. That is the most impt ingredient.

We talk, all the time. We are each other's best friend. And we spend lots of time together. And, we keep the home fires burning.

I had one failed marriage. And now a great marriage.

Regarding my first marriage, I always say...God protected me and the children I never had. The Ex was abusive. He nearly ruined me, and surely would have ruined a child's life as well. But as it is, I eventually escaped him and had no child for him ruin, no child to keep me 'tied to' or involved with him. Thank you, Lord! (I've said that everyday for many years. In fact, after escaping him, my worst nightmare - literally - for a couple years was dreaming of having remarried him.)

Regarding my second marriage, DH is great. He's the only real husband I've ever had. So many of us are smarter on the 2nd choice!

It's a first marriage for DH. We've been together since 1992, married since '95. What works best for us is finding common interests. I love dinnerware...DH learned the patterns so we could shop together. He builds...I learned to mix mortar and lay bricks with him. We garden together, raise animals together, can & freeze foods together. It works well.

We work from home selling online and running the homestead. Sometimes people ask...how can you spend all day, every day together? Well, it's just what we do. If we disagree or argue, we find a way to talk it out and get back on track.

My 2 greatest fears in life are a quandry...
1) That DH would die and I be left behind alone
or 2) That I would go first and leave DH alone.
Eventually one of those two things will happen...I know that. I'm just glad God will choose and whatever the reason, it'll somehow work out right.

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Mill River Farm

I want to know God's Thoughts...the rest are details. ~~Albert Einstein~~

married ten years
started because she was young and innocent (and hot) and i seduced her and took advantage of her. we were married 3 years before she finally realized it was true. it worked because i was old enough and mature enough to tolerate her petulent youthful temper until she outgrew it and she saw my potential to be a good man, a good husband and a good father. it still works because (even after 3 pregnancies) she still hasn't figure out that when she hits me it's a turn on. i suppose it helps that we have the same basic conservative religous, morals, values and standards. also 3 pregnancies and 4 kids later she is still the only woman that really gets my blood pumping.

We have been married 44 years, the first 43 were pretty rough, but I think things are going to work out.

Seriously, there were rough spots but the good spots made them insignificant. She was 16 and I was 18 when we got marriedand we were each others firsts. We always put each other first, I guess that is why it worked so well. We also accept the problems that happen and thank God for the blessings we receive.

We were both city kids but I had a some exposure to the outdoors and farming growing up. We just recently took a step I thought would be a real test for us, we bought a small farm for retirement and even though she was for it I wasn't sure if she would make the transition. I found out Saturday that it wasn't a test but another of gods blessing. I was mowing a field Saturday when I saw her walking the edge of the field near the woods, when she came in she was glowing like a bright sunbeam. I asked her what she was doing and she said I was walking our farm and putting Holy water on the corners and asking Gods blessing for it.

The farm will be a lot of work but between her and I and God we can make it work.

Oliver

41 years and the only thing I can think of is that we help each other. When I want a new flower bed he pitches in and helps. When he wants to cut wood, I'm there. A funny incident recently happened. We had a family couple over for a few days. I must have said something that didn't sit right with DH and he said he would like to punch me in the face (he never has done anything like that or even said that before). I turned to the person I was sitting next to and said, "he says that when a few steps away is a shotgun right in the kitchen." DH didn't say another word. lol Subject was changed mighty fast.

[QUOTE=chickenista;3290570]We have an unusual marriage by today's standards. It is an arranged marriage.. arranged by our son.
I had known DH and worked with him at several jobs over years and years... but never dated him. (though he wanted to date me.. I thought he was ..umm.. a bit of a jerk, but yet I defended him over the years because folks misunderstood him.. not socially graceful, but harmless and intelligent)
He needed a place to stay and I had an extra room and I was in my prime and he was cute.... you get the picture.

To my horror I became pregnant.. on the second time we were together.
I was went biblical when I found out.. wailing and gnashing of teeth and rolling around in the grass in that backyard having a COMPLETE breakdown. I couldn't speak by the 4th or 5th hour of my breakdown and I wrote him a note explining the situation, walked in the house and threw it at him and returned the grass.. all I heard was rolling laughter pouring through the backdoor. He laughed and laughed and laughed.
So, here we are. We were married the day after DS's 1st birthday.
We were not and are not madly in love. We have learned to respect each other and to work together as a team. We had no false notions of what it would be like, so we have had no real crushing disappointments... no disillusionments.
We don't really fight. (anymore) but neither are we passionate people. The one thing we do very, very well together is parent. No parenting fights EVER!!!
I support what DH is trying to do and what his goals are and he supports mine. He has dreams that I would like for him to see come true and he understands my dream of self sufficiency and a market garden etc....

Though neither of is is sure what will happen when DS moves out...

It is not so bad. Sometimes I get teary when I watch a chic flick filled with romance or if I think about it too hard... but all in all it is ok.


I have had some time to reflect on my earlier post.
I don't think I could/would qualify our marriage as "working".. it just is.
I read the posts about love, and pumping blood, and sweet nothings and romance and realize that our marriage is pretty barren and arid.
We don't "get" each other and have almost nothing in common and agree that if it were not for our son we would NOT even be speaking.
But, here we are. And we are determined to make it last. We just took "divorce" out of the vocabulary. It would come up quite often and in a predictable pattern and that just became unacceptable. I had no stabilty or security with the threat/thought hanging over my head.
It is a bit better now, but lonely for both of us sometimes. There is very little laughing and no dancing etc... and holidays are a bore.. sniff.

But do not feel sorry for me. In my life I have had many wonderful relationships.. one that lasted 7 years... I think that counts as a marriage.
He was sweet and attentive and loving and always thought of me and bought little things he knew I would like.. those were nice years until I lost my mind and left ??
And other lovers scattered all over the quilt of my life like flowers. I have lived well.

i couldn't imagine being with someone else. i couldn't always say that tho. he managed a business and was basicly absent even if he physically was around. i was like a single mother other than not having to work outside the home too. i had no one to talk to, so i talked on the phone ALOT, which made him mad. i often would fantasize of what i could do if i walked out, and almost hoped he'd get an affair to give me the excuse. he let his family come between us SO many times, i would leave for a day or two. i have said i hated him. i didn't even make his 'top 10' list of importance, and i was angry A LOT. we fought alot. i hated him, alot.

that was for the first few years--now that business he dealt with is for sale, and he got a diff. job. he is more 'plugged in' than he has been since the honeymoon, and in just one year, i went from wishing i'd never met him, to being teary eyed and thankful for him.

i was with someone else for 8 years before him, not legal but i felt married. it was horrible and when i was ending it, i was heartbroken. (one of those things where i was in love with what i thought he could be, but finally seen what he really was--eww) i started to pray, and asked for a man with a certain 5 qualities. kid you not, within a week, DH showed up, and showed each one of those qualities. so when i thought i hated him, i just kept thinking 'but God gave him to me, there must be something there!?' he has also become twice the father than he was a year ago. spent alot of time with our kids this summer, doing things that take effort and thought and patience, not just plugging in a movie for them while he slept.

he is a wise *** and has made me laugh more this year than the last 5. 2 years ago i would've been seriously tempted by any attention-giving man, and a few year before that, i was. nothing happened but it was close. now, ha, no way. no one looks as good as he does. and i do believe he 'sees' me now too--and likes it!

Been married 30 years now to my second and last husband. My first marriage only lasted 5 years before he left with another woman, leaving me to raise our son by myself. Then DH showed up and we've been a couple ever since. He has always considered my son as his own, and the feeling/loyalty is returned. DH and I are so much alike in our personality and there have been some rough spots. But overall, we've never considered not being with each other. We couldn't have children, but we have a son, his wife and now 3 grandchildren to share our hugs and kisses with. Life is good.

24 years and counting here....
Why has it worked? Maybe we are just lucky. But, we both knew from the time we met that we wanted to be together, and nothing has ever changed that. And, I think that is because we were totally honest with each other, always. No hidden secrets or lies or half-truths. We know everything about each other. We respect each other. We are also each other's best friend. I don't go talking about him or our private lives to other friends or relatives, and he doesn't either. I think this is important because I know a woman who is married with kids, but she is still so tied up and involved with her sisters, parents, friends, etc. that her marriage suffers for it, her husband comes behind all these other people. I think in a good marriage the husband and wife need to put each other first, especially when the kids are grown or there are no kids. If you can't do that, what will you do someday when it is just the two of you again? I think it also helps to have a lot of interests in common, even despite that old saying of "opposites attract".
In 25 years neither of us has ever found anybody else we would rather be with, so here we are!

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[COLOR="Blue"]Expect Little - That way you will be seldom disappointed.../COLOR]

Wow I really had to think before posting my reply...

But we have been together 23 years, we have 3 kids and we have been through alot...from him being MR mom to the breadwinner and everything in between.

I think we works because we choose to make things work...we make time for each other, we still have sex every night...and not just a wham mam...but real meaningful soul to soul and body and mind contact.

We are not best friends, we are very different...but we fit each other. I'm good at one thing, he is good at another, But we can accept ourselves and each other and don't try and change each other.

We listen to each other and have tried making our dreams come true...and so far we have done well.

as the vows said, richer or poorer, for sickness and in health till death does us part...and like the song says, when you go I wanna go too....I could not imagine my life without him.

Oh yes and I am thankful for him and tell him all the time, I am glad he is my Man...

Married 22 years so far...plan to stay that way until I die. Given my luck that could be any day, already made her go thru two near death events; #1Car crash with my children in the van (his fault) in 2000 and #2 Cardiomyopathy in 2005 (my lack of ability to deal with stress plus poor imune system from childhood spleen accident).

How do "we" make it work? I never give up. She hasn't left me...

Is it easy? No, very stressful, three children, the oldest with Down Syndrome.

Would I do it again? Most likely...but maybe not have the first child born 9 months after eloping with no money and no job at the age of 22.

I couldn't live without a woman to beside me. I stick with the one that I love and married.

Sense of humor. And pheremones.

1st husband - alcohlic when I met him, thought (at 19) I could fix him, became more violent and then eventually started shoving our two year old son, his Mom recommended I leave as she had been through it with his father - so after 4 years I did .
2nd husband - Loved him so much, thought it was forever, was an ass at times but I could deal with it, I was with him 9 years until the military sent him unacompanied for two years and he screwed around. We only had two rules: No hitting, no screwing around. We tried to fix it for six months but I couldn't stand to be around him. Beware if you are told "Mary is coming over for Spaghetti"! Hmmm I was sooo dumb!
3rd husband - been married two years and I love it,so comfy, so safe, a good soul, and NO DRAMA!
Life Is Good!!!

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Amanda

"Live and let Live!!!"

"Courage is being scared to death--and saddling up anyway" John Wayne

My husband and I will be married 44 years this month.
He is just a great person. He is hard working, saving, easy to get along with and my best buddy.
We never really get into arguments, but have our own ideas on occassion.(You cannot argue with someone who will not argue back LOL)
We enjoy the same things and we were committed to the Lord from the beginning of our marriage.
Sadly, we never had children of our own. Traits of my husband would have been an asset for a child to inherit. However, we are parents to an adopted son.
I have had a really good marriage and I hope we can share many more years together.
When I read of some trials others have had; it makes me even more thankful for my marriage.

We are coming up on 9 years. First marriage for us both. We dont seem to fight at all. We do get annoyed with each other often. I am a jealous person, always have been. she is used to it. Im not like most guys and she is not like most other women and we fit together. Doubt either of us could find anyone else to put up with us. We love each other, were best friends for years before getting together. Never dated before marrying, we just all the sudden decided we would be more than friends and were married within a week. I doubt I would keep going without her.

We've been together for 15 years. Ours works becaue I tell him I believe in murder more than divorce. Then I remind him how lucky he is to have me!


Actually it works because he's a SAINT.

48 years here. It worked because by the time the bad years were past, we were to old to start over..... Actually, I love him and he loves me,....enough to keep trying even when things were rough. Now we are settled and try to enjoy what we have. We both love the same things....

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suz

We're coming up on our 32nd anniversary and have known each other since we were teenagers. We always think it must have been fate that we even met, because I moved around a lot as a kid and moved here from another country and he has lived in this area all his life. This could have been just another stop in my life, but we ended up staying in this city, I went to work at a burger joint and met my hubby.

We've always had a lot in common, but over the years, things have been rough. Definitely good times AND bad times. Hubby has a lot of baggage from his childhood and developed bad habits to avoid dealing with them (alcoholic parent, beatings, emotional abuse). He decided to develop a couple of addictions (gambling, chewing tobacco), which didn't sit well with me as the gambling destroyed our lives financially and my trust in him. I had stuck with him through a lot of stuff, but drew the line at the gambling. So we were headed for splitting up, even though we didn't really want to go there. He just couldn't decide who came first - family or himself. It is difficult when you understand the reason why someone is set on destroying themselves, but only they can make the decision to stop the destruction.

Anyway, life has a funny way of working itself out. The gambling addiction actually ended up ending his life, and yet saving our life together at the same time. He is diabetic, got to gambling, forgot everything (including eating and taking insulin), came home and collapsed and ended up in the ER and died for almost 15 mins before they brought him back. Funny how that puts things in perspective for everyone. His recovery has not been easy, but we have a much better marriage now than we did before. The things that we thought were SO important before became petty and stupid and not worth arguing about. Anytime I get irritated with him now I just think to myself how lucky I am that he is still here for me to get irritated at. And he is finally able to say how much he loves me and appreciates what he has put our family through.

As I say now, our life isn't easy, but it beats the alternative. It was so close to not having him here at all. I'd rather have him plus problems, than not him at all.

CindyOR

Married 21 years to my best friend. He says we stay married because we can't afford a divorce and I say we stay married because I finally have him trained to my liking.

We both feel like this is God's marriage and we're just along for the ride. We are commited to each other regardless of what comes along and we deeply respect each other.
We spoil each other and neither of raise our voices at each other. We both were raised in homes with much yelling. I wouldn't yell at a stanger so why would I yell at a person that I love.

He's extremely kind to me, our daughter and grandkids. He has very little tolerance for most people. That has a lot to do with his PTSD from Vietnam. He's also very protective of us with out being controlling. He's very much a man from the old school and know how to treat a lady.

He's still cute with that balding head and pot belly that fits so nicely in my back at night.

He also knows that I will always be in his corner and that I'm his soft place to fall in life.