Nerds on the Farm
 

My hubby and I are both dyed in the wool computer nerds. For the last 3 or 4 years we've had a dream to get back to our roots and back to the land. We've done so much book reading and internet research that we figured we were ready, and this year we made that dream come true.

To our dismay, book learnin' ain't all it's cracked up to be, and experience will be the best teacher. This has been proven by our latest weekend adventures.

It all started with the spotting of the dreaded coyote - near the goat yard!! After the spotting, we realized that we did not have a gun. We lost a few points on the "good farmer" list for not having a gun. So - I called my daddy... he brought me a 22 and showed me how to shoot it. (push safety button, look through scope, pull trigger... I think I can write a computer program to do that!) I sat outside for a few hours waiting for Wile E. to show his stinking hairy face again. He didn't. I did, however, successfully shoot a paper bag that I sure thought was a coyote. Sad.

With the adrenaline high after my valiant protection of the flock, I decided that I was capable of doing a few other new and exciting things. Like - saving the three guinea fowl chicks that were being hatched and reared by a momma goose. You see, I figured that if I let goose continue to sit on the eggs and hatch the rest of them then she'd be distraught when she took them to the pond and discovered that they couldn't swim. So - me to the rescue!

First step in the plan - get the momma goose off the nest. That took some doing. Daddy goose decided to coming honking to momma's rescue and chased me round and round the flower bed (where momma is nesting) hissing and honking while my entire family stood in the bay window laughing at me. I finally made it inside without getting goosed and told all the laughers that they could bloody well come help me.

With more bodies on the job, daddy goose wasn't quite so brave and just screamed at us from a distance. We got momma off the nest and found that two of the chicks had already died. So I rescued the final guinea chick, stuck it in a cardboard box in the sun room with a heat lamp, water and chick starter feed. It died the next morning. Mother Nature 3, April 0. I didn't need any more guineas anyway, right? Momma Goose is still sitting on her nest hissing at me every time she sees me. However, Craig cut a sapling down to make me a shillaleigh (a big stick to you and me), so Daddy Goose doesn't come near me any more. I'll totally whack him with the stick (oops, shillaleigh) if he does. Totally.

Next task on the weekend to-do list: Weedwhack the tall brush up by the creek that runs past the goat yard. Here's a fun fact...chickens can absolutely turn invisible when they sit in tall brush. Here's another fun fact...they won't move when the weed eater gets near. She screamed... I screamed... she flew to the goat yard missing all tail feathers except one broken one. She looks at me accusingly everytime she walks past with her nearly naked butt. I feel bad.

Up next, time to de-billy the baby billy goats. Mind you, it's well past time for this to happen. We wanted to do so last weekend, but found that their billy-bits were too big to fit in the bands. So, we ordered a burdizzo. I can tell you that nowhere in all of the books that we've read did it tell us that goats can scream like girls at a horror movie. Well, they can... in my ear... really loudly. I also discovered that my rough and tumble husband will cry a small tear of sympathy when the burdizzo clamps together.

Sore and aching, I think we'll take next weekend off!

-April

LOL! Great stories...I can really relate. We will never live down the fact that we mowed down our hay field with the riding lawn mower when we first moved here...."oh, that's a hay field? oops!" :)

Very funny and amusing stories. You should keep a journal and in 10 years right a book - it would be a best seller . . . . . well, maybe not to the whole world, but to us Homesteaders, it would be gold!

Wow! Look at everything you've learned already!

NeHi

P.S. I have tons of guineas. Do you need more?

I think we're set on guineas, there are 10 or so wandering around. I think they look like little old ladies with way too much make-up and dangly earrings. Makes me giggle when I see them running anywhere because it looks like they're holding up their knickers and screaming, "Wait up, Ethel!" Funny.

-April

Great stories! A lot of us are in similar situations, or will be! I know that when we move to our new place we will have a steep learning curve on how to manage our critters in a new place with way more wildlife.

Please don't shoot any more "coyotes" if you aren't sure that they are indeed "coyotes"... shooting a bag means you didn't identify correctly before pulling the trigger. Thankfully it was a bag and not boy... or girl.

Just trying to help you on "good farmer points".

Oh, I'm so glad I finished eating; I'd have spewed spaghetti all over my screen! ROFLOL!! I agree with the book idea - I'd buy it!

First... learn target control with that gun. That paper bag wasn't what you thought... it coulda been anything. No harm, no foul this time. You get an B+ for marksmanship though. ;)

Second... sorry the guinea's didn't make it. :(

Next, keep that shillaleigh handy... goose gooses hurt... especially if they get a hold of any sensitive areas/bits. And don't ask me any more about that subject :rolleyes:

Then, chickens can hold a grudge and they can get emabarrassed. Just think how you would feel if somebody whipped you with a weedwhacker and you had to run around with your bare butt hanging out (especially among your friends). She'll probably look at you like that until her butt grows new feathers... better keep that shillaleigh handy around her too :nana:

Also, don't let the ummm... billy-bits get so big, much better to do it as young as possible. They'll still squeal like little girls... any male critter (including men) would... it's a genetic response to even the mere thought. Tell hubby that tears are o.k., any man will understand completely.

Finally, welcome to the wild, wonderful world of homesteading and do keep a journal. I agree with the others that you could write a great book.

LOL I will be where you are in a couple of months. Thanks for the heads up for what I need to know lol.

Since you brought up the subject of (screech) banding, how long does it take for the "bits" to shrivel or fall off?

As you can see we are way behind you there!

Rick

When my guineas get to running around, I'm reminded of a whacked-out ballet troupe on crack. Although I've never actually SEEN a whacked-out ballet troupe on crack, that's what they make me think of. Such ridiculous-looking birds.

NeHi

Oh lordie...what I wouldn't give to be your neighbor...watching from a discreet distance of course.

And hoping I didn't do myself harm from laughter.

What a riot!

Pls keep us posted on any other "happenings".

Oh my Goodness! I about died from the laughter. Not that I'm laughing at you, I could SO see myself in your situation. I've read so many books, magazines, posts, etc ... on homesteading I SHOULD be an expert, right? Too bad nobody informed the livestock and fauna about my educated state.

Please keep the posts coming.

Nikki

It's been a hoot, that's for sure!

Just to save face, I did figure out that it was a bag before I pulled the trigger - but I did think it was a coyote when I aimed at it. It just reads funnier the other way. :) I probably wouldn't shoot one anyway, just make some gun noise to scare it off. I'm still pondering that thought. They are awfully beautiful creatures.

homesteadforty, did you honk as loudly as the goose does when you got goosed? (tee hee!)

Band your bucks when they are at least 10 weeks old. This allows for ureter and urethra growth and lessens the chance for stones later on. It can take four to six weeks for the scrotum to fall off. By then there won't be much to see and you may not even notice when it has fallen off.

Coyotes will seem a lot less pretty after they rip a goat or two apart. Electric netting is an excellent deterrent for coyotes without doing them any harm.

As a lifelong "townie" who has moved to the country, I believe the most essential trait you need in order to survive country living is a sense of humor. If you can't step back from a disaster and laugh at yourself, you won't make it.

I loved reading this, thanks for the smiles! and I would also love to hear more. :) :)

Amen! We are computer nerds that moved to a small farm 4 years ago. I keep a blog, and it's amazing how we have grown. I remember the first time I found a mouse in my kitchen...

I marvel now at how I have come from that to where I am now. I even picked up a mouse by the tail several times to put them outside (where they probably came right back inside).

We do have our share of nerdery on the farm, however. We hooked up a sweet network from the barn to the house and have our goatcam on during kidding season. Technology sure can be a help around here.

Best of luck to you-- keep the stories coming!

They've always reminded me of a group of tanks - slowly moving, looking for the enemy (any bug)!

Very funny story! :D We had a fox that kept stealing our chickens. As beautiful as they are, I was really getting upset about losing all my chickens.

One night I was awakened by a loud "BANG!!" After peeling me off of the ceiling, my husband explained that he had gotten up, looked out the window and saw the fox with a chicken in its mouth. He quickly grabbed his shotgun and fired--right out the door! We lived in a one-room cabin so it was quite close to where I slept.

Never saw the fox again. I also warned my husband to please let me know before firing next time in order to avoid possible heart failure on my part.

Thanks for taking the time to answer Christaan. Those are some fine looking goats at your farm!

Rick

A cousin of mine was trying to get a wiley coyote that had been causing mischief around his place. He had himself a nice little sniper hide built inside his dining room. He would open the double french doors and rest his deer rifle on the dining room table and could see all of the field between the woods and his pasture.

One day goes by..no coyote. Another day of sitting...no coyote. Finally the next morning here comes ol' wiley coyote across the pasture towards the barn lot. My cousin clicks off the safety and sends a round downrange and crashing into Mr. Coyote. Everything had went perfectly. My cousin, being the marksman he is, punched an expert hole in wiley coyote's vitals at 325 yards or so.

Yes, he'd planned everything out perfectly. Well, almost everything. He forgot that a magnum deer rifle puts out a substantial muzzle blast. This can be quite damaging to unprotected ears so he was wearing nice Silencio electronic ear muffs. Unfortunately Silencio doesn't make a model to fit french doors. The muzzle blast had shattered the two open french doors along with the other two fixed panels. He also managed to knock two or three of his wife's pictures and several antique plates off the dining room wall with the concussion.

He actually called me to come over so I'd be there when he wife got home. You see, if I was there she wouldn't yell at him as much. It was like we were 7 years old all over again.

Safety in numbers eh?

Oh heavens thats funny ! ! ! !

"Nerds on the Farm" by SomedayFarmer

I'll be waiting for it's release.

Yea we have fun watching.

big rockpile

Great story and I second the book idea! I would buy it!

The book that immediately came to mind for me is The Egg and I. But it's been a long time since I read that so I might be mis-remembering.

I think author is Betty Smith? The old movie had (?) Fred McMurray and Claudette Colbert? I think that is the first time I remember seeing the Ma and Pa Kettle characters.

These tales are just as funny!

Keep them coming!

I just finished a good book called Fifty Acres and a Poodle. Jeanne Marie Laskas. I could really relate to the moving from the city to the "middle of nowhere"! good read, and might give you some ideas SomedayFarmer :)

Betty McDonnald (sp?)

I just re read it a while ago, its a hoot!

LOL You win! That is hilarious! :rotfl::rotfl:

Great description!

I remember someone else posted a while back that guineas look like suitcases on wheels. :D

Great story……..nothing is better than true life stories, thanks for telling me what to expect. We’ve got so much to learn…….LOL!! But I can see us doing the exact same things. Life is always full of “new and fun” things to learn.

Great story!

Quint, your cousin really had an "oh, -----!" moment, didn't he!? LOL

Great stories! Reminds me of the action around here. We are so funny to the local neighbors that they actually come over to watch us! Today we had a busted water pipe (we have four water systems / all in various states of repair) and when one neighbor found out, he came over bringing two others to watch the show! We love our neighbors - most of them anyway. Do keep notes and write a book!

I loved that book! It was so funny. Nerds on the Farm will be another great story. Keep writing, Somedayfarmer!

Thanks for the good laughs I needed them!! Yes keep that journal going but check in here with more stories as you go you tell them so well!!
"Nerdery on the Farm" Terre thats priceless.

Several yrs ago I had a BB gun to sting the puppy when he got hold of chickens. One day he got stung bad....came home to find dead puppy.

Later saw pheasant in yard. Ok if a BB gun can kill a puppy it can bag a pheasant. It great excitment I got the gun, aimed & fired. Bird ducked in the tall grass. When his head came up I fired again. Down his head went. Up his head came..fire..down goes his head.

This went on for several shots then he flew away. No pheasant under glass.

Yeah he did. He has never lived that one down either. And believe me it gets brought up at his house with regularity.

I'll never forget walking into his dining room and seeing glass everywhere, stuff knocked off the walls along with a rifle, a box of shells, a box of Twinkies and a gallon of chocolate milk sitting on the dining room table. It took a couple of seconds to process everything and figure out what happened. It seemed like he was having such a good time until he pulled the trigger.

I LOVE her and just about anything she writes. :-)

You are right GBov...now seems to me Betty Smith wrote A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, another favorite from years ago.

I need to pull some of these long ago favorites and refresh my memory of them!

Thanks Minelson and others for the recommendation, I'm going to put Fifty Acres and a Poodle on my library request list.

Twinkies and Chocolate milk...and a destroyed dining room OH MY! Are there any pictures?