Women homesteaders...who are married

Theres women in here by the doz who do alla the homestead/farm work by themselves working their finners to the bones. cause they got deadbeat husbands/boyfriends who wont help, didnt come to help, dont like, hate, the lifestyle, And in the ST room theres some no doubt nice guys who love the lifestyle, live to do the work, l ove the satisfaction of work well done, and dont seem to interest any of the wimmins in there under my age

So you are discrediting all of her work as not worthwhile because cash isn't invovled?

My dad is very handy - not much mechanical/construction etc that he couldn't figure out. My first husband was like that - very handy. Unfortantely he was also very handy with the ladies and the marriage didn't last long.

My present husband (married 14 yrs now) is not at all handy, and he has only a vague interest in homesteading. But at least he watches the kids (complains about it, but does it anyway) while I do the outside projects.

Sometimes I feel embarssed about his lack of skills, and wish he was of more help. But I try to focus on the sense of pride and fullfilment I feel when I accomplish something I've never tried before. And I remind myself that he does have steady employement and is a good father.

BTW aha I want to compliment you on how well you have taken our collective constructive criticism (tho maybe Stan disagrees). I saw you had quoted me and thought "Oh no she is angry I said anything about she maybe oughtta change- I shouldn't've bothered giving her any advice!" Glad that I was helpful and that you are able to absorb our thoughts without anger at our comments (only correcting incorrect perceptions...)

AHA!

"Yes, it matters what others think to me. Yes, I know it shouldn't. I want my man to be respected by other men. And I he tells me it doesn't bother him but it does bother me."


I think you summed it up: you care what other people think of you and him. That is a VERY different thing!

So, it isn't YOUR perception of him that is bothering you, after all, he IS working and doing the traditional CITY mans job, isn't he?

What is bothering you is what you THINK others are thinking about you?

Nobody will ever conform entirely to the current culture, everybody WILL deviate in some spots. You will make yourself nuts if you try. In this, you and your DH ARE THE SAME as everybody else.

Half the lawns in the country are mowed by women, and nobody worries about it. Women work, both inside and out and nobody worries about it.

Don't try to be everybodies idea of a conforming woman: in a steryotype there is no room for humanity for you OR your family. Instead of trying to please EVERYBODY around you, be a good neighbor and expect them to approve of you because you ARE a good neighbor!

Because, for every male chauvenist who might disapprove of your husband frying chicken, there are dozens of neighbor women who would LOVE for their husbands to fry an occasional chicken! And they ENVY you for it!

PS.

Sorry if I am coming on too strongly: I have very strong feelings on the subject, perhaps because when I was a kid people took gender roles so seriously.

As in, don't run on the way home from school, don't climb trees, NO you cannot take those classes they are only for boys, do NOT buy your sister that toy because science toys are boy toys, stay inside, never go out in the rain, when you wear gloves you must not touch anything because your white gloves (which you MUST ear to church) will get dirty, and so forth.

There was no room for ME in that list of rules.

I am not suggesting that you ignore them ALL, the way that I cheerfully do. Just remember that for every chauvenist who disses your husband for cooking there are 5 husbands who feel guilty because they think that they should, and they do not! You CANNOT please everybody! EVER!

The problem with putting weight in people's opinion of you is that you will NEVER get everyone's approval.

If your husband is a 'manly man' he will get approval from other 'manly men' but be considered a chauvanist by feminists. If he is progressive enough to do the dishes and child care he will gain approval from liberal tree hugger men but be considered a girly girl by the manly men. If he has good interpersonal relationships he is gay, if he is steadfast he is unfeeling, if he cares too much about the homestead he is controlling if he doesn't care he is lazy. He cannot win, someone will always have a problem with the way he is behaving.

The rediculous thing is that the vast majority of people in the western world would have a cow if you suggested that a woman was limited to a certain behavior pattern. We have the freedom of behaving in any manner we want, from girly to tom boy and most people will accept it. Yes, there are a few chauvanists out there, but there are far more societal expectations on men's behavior than women's. (ok, off soap box)

I do commend you for being willing to admit this is your problem, not his. That is a big step, a tough step, and not everyone can do it. I also agree that with the hunter, maybe telling him no, you cannot hunt our land, is the way to go. There will always be people wanting to find good hunting land, and most men are not like that. He is the one benifitting, not you.

Yes, we all dream of marrying Grizzly Adams and living off the land in a log cabin with a pet raccoon and guitar background music. I understand the inevitable disappointment when Grizzly would rather play videos than go for a walk in the fields. But we married who we married, and to blame our men for our own expectations is not fair. We married them for who they were, not for who we wanted them to be.

Ahhh, Noooo.

I'm saying she should discount his work because he isn't into her hobby.

I wasn't embarrassed by DH's change of heart; more disappointed that something we had been so excited about doing together just wasn't going to happen the way I wanted it to. I asked him why the sudden lack of interest and he explained that when he helped his father, it was more as an assistant and not "head mechanic". His dad had all the knowledge and experience. When WE worked on cars, DH realized that he didn't know nearly as much as his dad did, and things invariably didn't go the way they did in those sweet memories from his childhood. It became a major source of frustration for him instead of being enjoyable, and he lost interest. Since the cars were supposed to be a hobby and not a drag, we decided they would be MY hobby and we'd find something else to do together.

I am extremely proud of what I've learned. I worked very hard for the skills I developed. As I see it, that DH's passion for the hobby wasn't as strong as mine is nothing more than a personal difference. The fact that he gave it a try is enough for me, because if he hadn't I never would have known how fun restoring cars can be!

I think you are way over analyzing it. With women we think, we talk, we get advice...when in the end it's about sex or money for men. Most women are just one day away from divorce or the poor house because of these two things. Men don't really want their women to be independant.

Sell your milk, your rabbitt meat, with a small income you can pay your own feedbill. It would ---- me off to know every milk check that comes in part of it goes to hobbies, or projects that my husband does that don't interest me.


You add beer to any of the above (beer is rich in phyto-estrogens exactly like what we feed our does for more milk) and that belly stores estrogen and his libido is low. You don't have to answer this but hows the sex life? A man not having regular sex is an unhappy man...well unless he is simply tired and resting from getting it elsewhere

You add Texas southern values to the above and he feels like you don't need him anymore, and your embarassment is because you are expected to be subserviant to your husband, it's taught out here.

But letting another man on the place and you actually see him make faces, and making fun of your husband? Than this problem is yours and yours alone.

Women run the family, we run the farm, it's our job. And thankfully come one day soon we will run the country, instead of running the man who runs the country

Be happy, have your farm, find your niche to make your own money at something on the farm....make time to spend away from the farm with your husband, it's corny but date nite works! Putting anything first, including your children, before the marriage is going to undermind the marriage. Fine if you want to end up with only your children, or your goats! Vicki

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Vicki McGaugh
Nubian Soaps
North of Houston TX
www.etsy.com/shop/nubiansoaps

A 3 decade dairy goat farm homestead that is now a retail/wholesale soap company and construction business.

Reminds me of the other day when I took a load of scrap metal to the recyclers. The guy helping me unload asked me if I had loaded all this stuff myself - "most but not all" was my reply, he then asked me what my husband did...I laughed and told him "he makes the money and supports the farm!" The guy nodded and that was it. Here in NC I have noticed that there is a divide between the stereotypical men's work and women's work but since I'm not interested in living my life based on stereotypes I just go about my business. Yesterday, the fridge stopped cooling, repairman called back whilst I was removing the back of the freeze section- he gave a good chuckle, agreed to come out at 4 if I hadn't fixed it...I did but I'll ask that guy back since he has a good sense of humour. Yeah, I get lots of "well, little lady..." atitude here but I just ignore it. And if someone thought my husband wasn't a manly man (whatever the hell that is anyway) well, we aren't on the elementary school play ground any more are we? And my advice to anyone looking for a good husband is to see how he treats his Mum because that's what you'll get too. Mine does the dishes, cooks alot, and I'm sure the neighbor hood men would find that info extremely troubling ... subversive even! LOL

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dear, dont hold it against him. Be proud of yourself, you are the only one who wants that. He is going along with it, not insisting on moving, or getting rid of all the animals. He's doing 'stuff' it's just not what you are noticing. And even if he isn't, let it go. You cant make him into someone he isn't. Dont be resentful or embarrassed. Accept him for what he can and will do, then let it go. Be proud you are learning to do stuff and becoming self sufficient. Have fun, enjoy the days, take pleasure in what goes right, and accept that some stuff doesn't go anywhere.

Not really. Sex or money, you really don't have much respect for men, do you? Of course for women it all comes down to shoes and a waistline......but oh wait, that is sexist, isn't it? Men think about money because they have been societally trained and held responsible for earning it. They are jailed for not earning it, they are pariahs for not earning it...then you wonder why it is important? And sex...well sex is important to all of us, but we women have all the sexual power so of course the men will seem like they are chasing it. Men are shamed for having the same sexual urges women are celebrated for. Madonna went on stage and got paid millions for masturbating in front of hundreds of thousands of people, but Pee Wee Herman had his career destroyed for being in the back of a darkened theatre doing the same thing. Men are more than sex and money, and women are a day away from divorcing for many reasons most having nothing to do with their husbands.


I think most men would be glad if their women pulled their financial weight, but they just are like us and also want to feel needed-that is not the same as dependant. We are not keeping our husbands dependant on us because we are taking care of the house, and they are not keeping us dependant because they are taking care of the money. I think assuming men want us to be dependant for some nefarious reason is pretty inaccurate to say the least. Men are not any more controlling or power hungry than women are. That is an old gender feminist, Gloria Stienem attitude which has no basis in reality.


Why is it that in so many cases when men make money it is theirs but when women make money it is hers? He is likely supporting her farm-his money is going to her hobbies, and he is not resentful at all, from the sounds of it. Most farming does not pay out but costs, and the big farmers make money because they are subsidized. I would guess most people here would make more money if they got rid of all the farm animals and just bought thier meat at Walmart....but it isn't about that. It is more about quality, but even so it takes capital.

My point is that this sort of gender feminist thinking, that our needs and wants count more because we are women and men only want to hold us back and control us leads only to divorce. It is not a healthy way to think, it is not a healthy way to live. Only by respecting our men as much as we respect our women (ourselves) can we hope to have a really good marriage. While I understand we want homesteading to be a lifestyle, for most of us it is a hobby. And in the end, which is more important? Marriage, or a hobby? If it is a hobby, then by all means divorce and see how far the homesteading goes alone when working 40 hours a week.

(that last was not directed at anyone in particular, just a general statement)

Are you suggesting we leave our husbands and hop over to ST to find a helpful, ambitous man??

Michelle

Oh I didn't say you had to be big and brave. Fake it. Then you shake in your boots for an hour later. That's what I did. It gets a little easier each time. Partially because you get braver and partially because they back down sooner. You can do it!

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Robin

I'm sure he'd be happy if the "farm" made some money. Now as for your embarresment.......
Men TALK!! Moreso than women.
See the BIG HUNTER is probably a poor provider or maybe a drunk. You don't know. See men interact very different than women. Reality is generally opposite of the talk.
Back to the interaction with the "hunter". If he was nearly as proficient at hunting as he is in moving his mouth he wouldn't have to ask (God forbid) a woman where to get game. Isn't he man enough to get meat on his table? It's probably HIS issues with having to ask a woman that brings out that venom. See asking a women proves he knows less than you!!!!

I guess ladies don't get men as much as the think.

Perhaps a little reality check will put things back into perspective for you:

1.) Could you homestead completely on your own? i.e. Do you need your husbands income so that you can live the life of your dreams.

2.) Your husband is honest, when asked questions about the homestead he no longer has any interest in outside, of being willing to allow his wife to take care of the homestead while he earns a living that both of which both of us use. His other option is to lie.

3.) What does it say about you that you are okay living with someone who embrasses you?

4.) Where exactly did you get the idea that there are jobs which husbands/men "should" do? Do you do all the traditional jobs of women?

5.) If something happened to your husband he and was no longer able to work, would you ditch him?

6.) Your husband is still there, making the best of his marriage. If you want more of him, perhaps you could negiotate a new deal. But I wouldn't get my hopes up, the man has let it be known that he fines homesteading too difficult, is not longer interested.

Perhaps you could tell your husband, not to support the homestead financially for a monh or two so that you would have some idea of what would likely happen if you were left alone with your dream.

Best of luck to you,
Marlene

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Marlene, instead of trying to helpful you are trying to be hurtful. I even respected Stan's post more than this.

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BETTER. Thats what I did, 3 times around. But dont it seem a shame that guys settle not for what they really want, but for less than that because of sex, I suppose, and women settle for less than what they want but take what comes along that seems to provide security, when theres women AND men that are just what we want for the most part who love this life AND provide sex and security. Guess thats kinda what I was trying to say.

Stan has made a very good point.

How often does your husband stop and ask for directions? Men usually won't, and even MY husband sends me in to ask!

And, here is a big hunter, and instead of "sharing" with a guy he is asking ADVICE of a woman.

If the guy had an attitude, or was acting amused with you, you need look no farther than that! HE felt silly,

he felt inadequate,so he acted like a high schooler and he tried to act like he was better than you.

My third husband did the same thing. Even told me to choose between him and the farm (though he backpedaled quick when I told him not to let the door hit him!).

OTOH ... Homesteading isn't for everyone. Doesn't mean your husband is lazy. Homesteading is a hobby. Golf is a hobby. Would you think it was fair if I called you lazy for not wanting to golf all day? Of course not.

If homesteading's your hobby, pursue it, enjoy it, but don't expect hubby to participate. Perhaps you can find other, mutually enjoyable activities to do with your hubby?

I'm lucky; my farm is 20 miles from DBF's house ... when I'm out there, I'm in my little world! When I come home, I'm in HIS world, and we do things we enjoy together. But I don't expect his help or participation with the farm, although he has graciously gifted me with a few nice things for it (I pay all the day-to-day bills). He is completely off the hook and I have made it clear he can participate as much or as little as he wants.

I'm careful not to bite off more than I can chew in terms of projects. If I can't do it myself, or afford to hire someone, ummmm, I'm in trouble!

But this arrangement has worked out GREAT for us!

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