Self pity.. please forgive the drama part

barelahh · #41 01/26/12, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hiddensprings

Both of my boys were given lugage for thier 18th birthdays and three choices:
* join a branch of the military, any branch, I don't care
* be registered in college and know how you are paying for it because I am not
* get a job, get an apartment, and enjoy your life.

Both of them decided the military was the way to go. It was amazing how I sent my "boys" to the army & coast guard, and got "men" back.

y

I did the same exact thing gave them the same exact choices. And two out of 3 chose marine corp the third left and went out on his own. though he still hasn't gotten it all together yet. SHrug. I figure when he wakes up he'll learn

nzw tom · #42 01/26/12, 05:36 PM

I raised two boys and they were a handfull. The one son started off on the wrong path. I am a police sergeant and got a call one night from one of my patrol officers. They said they had my son and found marijuana on him. They wanted to know what I wanted done. I told them that he was no better then another persons son, and to take him to jail. Talk about being hurt.

Now the good news. He grew up. Has a family and two jobs. Now he shows love and respect towards his mother and father.

Hang in there, don't take his trash taking and it will work out. Been there, done that.

Good luck,

mpete · #43 01/27/12, 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bknthesdle

Thanks Pony and OBF. I agree. I'd love some goats. <sigh> Just scared after losing my three girls last fall.

Ps. (sorry for hijacking the thread.)

Oh Candice, don't feel bad... I think all of us, whether we are male/female, parents/or not, can take a moment and let it out. I came here to you guys because we all understand each other... even at church, I really don't have any "friends" because none of them know goats or animals (I think most moved up here from the city).... and it's hard for me to admit my faults

Awhile back I posted a couple of paragraphs about suicide. And honestly I hope that by talking our feelings out that we can all help each other out.

mpete · #44 01/27/12, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedSonja

Well others have shared so I guess I will too. I no longer have my two teenage boys living in my home because of identity theft, outright theft, animal abuse and neglect, and suspected substance abuse. I sent them back to their dad who, coincidentally, had just decided he wanted them to come back to live with him when this all came to light. I refuse to have to lock up my purse and valuables in my own home, or worry that my livestock is being beat on or left without food or water. I refuse to live that way. It's much easier to do all the livestock chores all by myself than deal with that stress 24/7/365. After three years of trying to help those two, DH and I were at the end of our ropes. If their dad hadn't taken them back, they would have gone to juvenile detention.

Of course my toddler is never going to be an evil teenager, he's going to be perfect.

Right? Right?!

-Sonja

I know what you mean... I am also a foster parent and have had kids that I felt like I had to sleep with one eye open (the couch became my bed at that point) .... We had the kids removed, but it's a 7 day waiting period so those were always the worst....

now, as for your toodler???? ummmmmmm

mpete · #45 01/27/12, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nzw tom

I raised two boys and they were a handfull. The one son started off on the wrong path. I am a police sergeant and got a call one night from one of my patrol officers. They said they had my son and found marijuana on him. They wanted to know what I wanted done. I told them that he was no better then another persons son, and to take him to jail. Talk about being hurt.

Now the good news. He grew up. Has a family and two jobs. Now he shows love and respect towards his mother and father.

Hang in there, don't take his trash taking and it will work out. Been there, done that.

Good luck,

Thank you....

I think the hard part is I did not see any of this coming. He is the 2nd of 4. My oldest was a handful (was glad when he went to the marines), Josh (the 18 year old) was always a hard worker. Eager to please. A "lets get it done" kind of guy... so I think that is partly why it has hit me so off guard.
I still have 2 girls at home... 13 and 16. They are very much into church and family, and although I have not felt the need to "burden them" with this drama, they know a little of it.
I know what you were saying in one post about how drained you looked.... everywhere I went for 3 days people were asking if I was ok... of course I would fake a smile and say "ya, I'm just tired" .... and I think it's my own stupid pride and wanting everyone to think that "life is perfect" .... but atleast I can talk about it now... although I have said a lot more things that I have deleted

mpete · #46 01/27/12, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tallabred

When my son was 17 I packed his stuff up in two little boxes, met him up at Target, gave him his stuff, told him that he was not welcome to live in my house anymore.

It took some time but it helped him along. He had dropped out of high school before that but it made him get his GED.

That reminded me of when my oldest was 17, he called me up and said "you will kick me out of the house if I get a dirt bike, right" ..... well, it was not about him having a bike. It was about his maturity. Long story short, I told him that he was not going to "bait" me into a fight. If he wanted to move out then he can come get his stuff. He did. He came back about 6 weeks later when his friends got tired of him couch surfing. (Even though he is a Corporal in the Marines , I don't think he is ever going to "grow up"

)

mpete · #47 01/27/12, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by noeskimo

So sorry-teenagers are cruel. I had three, all at once (that should be a felony)I should have bought stock in kleenex.The payback, the reward comes with grandchildren.They will make up for everything.Just hang on

I just wanted to tell everyone THANK YOU again. I am crying a little again, but I think it's more of a happy cry, just because you guys don't know me, but yet you all are so supportive, and open to tell everyone about your own souls as well. It was really hard for me to post the original, and I almost deleted it when I did. Thank you...

bknthesdle · #48 01/27/12, 11:07 AM

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

CarolT · #49 01/27/12, 12:33 PM

{{{{Candice}}}}} You didn't really highjack it. I am so sorry about your girls, it makes me cry every time I think of it and I so hope your ewes can fill some of the hole in your heart.

OP Never hesitate to share. You may have to camouflage occasionally LOL but many shoulders help the burden (or hearts in this case)

Tallabred · #50 01/27/12, 12:45 PM

I wouldn't let my son move home, he smokes - I am allergic. He dropped out of college, hated Tallahassee, was tired of delivering pizza - so he decided to move to Vail, CO. It was the only place that he had been happy, snow boarding with Dad, plus pot is kind of legal there, so he packed his car up and moved.

Still touch and go but at least he is now working and on the mountain almost every day. I actually like him again

jennigrey · #51 01/27/12, 01:12 PM

If that had been our son, I would say that there had probably been some stuff he wanted or some things he wanted to do but the family couldn't afford (in the recent past). So, in a selfish and hurtful moment he identified something that money was being spent on that he had no personal interest in. You probably wouldn't hear him tell you that you shouldn't spend money on snack food or phones or internet or tv or taking the family to the movies or anything else that you do for the family that is purely entertainment. No, it was the goats that are "sucking you dry".

Uh-huh. Sure.

They have however-many-teen number of years under their belt watching you toil and love and put your heart into your daily activities. When they want to say something hurtful they know just where to stick that knife, don't they? When they are younger it is a more basic and rudimentary jab ("You don't love me" "Grama would let me" "You love my sister more" etc), then they start getting a little more sophisticated with their hurts as they refine their technique. 18 years of experience can lead to some excruciatingly precise jabs.

The most painful part I suppose is the fact that he chose to deliver such a low blow. Our son has always had a hard time empathising and understanding how wrong it is to hurt someone emotionally in order to try to get what you want. For a kid that doesn't usually resort to such manipulative behavior, it can be a shock to get that kind of treatment from him. If this is unusual for him, I would say he was just having a bad day and probably horrified himself in the process. The embarassment and shame of what he said could make him either apologize later if he is the humble sort or - if he is the overly prideful type - he might just try to act like it never happened and hope that it can just go away.

Anyhow, just wanted to say hang in there, fellow warrior. It's a tough job.

LFRJ · #52 01/27/12, 01:20 PM

I lost a kid and a family too. Not my idea, just tossed out one day like yesterday's news.

I remember how things were unraveling. One of the biggest components surrounding the teen spiraling out of control was the sudden lack of 'team parenting'. I remember the many discussions we'd have over choices and the consequences of each. I think giving the child the full range of choices and outcomes is important from a young age so they learn to make their own choices. Follow through is important however, and THAT's what fell apart. When I tried to employ said consequence, i.e. - you didn't do your homework so you don't go to basketball practice - I was stopped. When I countered that we had all agreed on this, I was told "but it's really MY kid". After this happened a few times, this put me at the same level of the child with no options to enforce anything, (except to nag) and the kid played his hand pretty well. Within year, it was over.

THe kid never ended up going to college, despite the savings account, and after ten years, from 4 - 14, with sparse visitation after, I was abandonded altogether and never heard from him. It ripped my heart out, I must tell you. I decided then that i would never get involved with anyone with kids. I'd rather go through a hemoglobin transfer, from my body to the Seattle sewer system, before I'll endure the pain of that again. Not all parents are "birth" parents. I gave up trying not to think about that boy every day. I understand all too well what some of you are going through. I'm deeply sorry.

I sometimes think I filled up my life full of animals and occupations to fill the void some. Not sure. I do know that the episode compelled me toward a complete lifestyle change toward the farm we have now. Staying busy and focused on other things has been very therapeutic for me. - goats included!!!

Hugs to all of you.

Patrick · #53 01/27/12, 01:31 PM

I mourn the loss of the traditional 2 parent (one male, one female) American family. That, and lack of discipline and personal accountability are the cause of most of society's problems today. Old time conservatives were seen as cranks when they predicted this, yet their prophecy has come true.

**Terri** · #54 01/27/12, 01:47 PM

Patrick, as for the posters on this thread, you are guessing.

LFRJ · #55 01/27/12, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Patrick

I mourn the loss of the traditional 2 parent (one male, one female) American family. That, and lack of discipline and personal accountability are the cause of most of society's problems today. Old time conservatives were seen as cranks when they predicted this, yet their prophecy has come true.

Careful now!

prairiedog · #56 01/27/12, 01:49 PM

Certainly not a helpful post.

Oat Bucket Farm · #57 01/27/12, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Patrick

I mourn the loss of the traditional 2 parent (one male, one female) American family. That, and lack of discipline and personal accountability are the cause of most of society's problems today. Old time conservatives were seen as cranks when they predicted this, yet their prophecy has come true.

I would encourage you to tread softly here.

Tallabred · #58 01/27/12, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Patrick

I mourn the loss of the traditional 2 parent (one male, one female) American family. That, and lack of discipline and personal accountability are the cause of most of society's problems today. Old time conservatives were seen as cranks when they predicted this, yet their prophecy has come true.

Patrick, I agree. . .but that thought does not have a purpose on this thread. Both my DH and I come from parents married over 50 yrs and we will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary this year. My children have always been disciplined and been taught accountability. My 2 DD's are in college: one at Georgia Tech majoring in Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering and the other a freshman at UCF. My son believes that the world will end this Dec. so he had no drive to improve himself - I told him that it would be bad to end this world homeless and hungry - He has improved since that talk.

I am conservative, do not consider myself a crank, but my son has had problems. I think that we do not get your point, on this thread.

Ardie/WI · #59 01/27/12, 02:16 PM

I haven't read all the posts so I don't know if anyone told you this but:

Teenagers are why some species eat their young!

That kept me sane through those years.

**Terri** · #60 01/28/12, 02:47 PM

Mpete, all of this sounded familiar, but I did not know why until I was feeding sugar syrup to my bees over in Eudora.

My daughter did something similar, when she was almost 17, back when she was trying to master the concept of BOUNDARIES!!!!!

You see, once a week it was my custom to go out to the 5 acres that we owned near Eudora. It was my one chance to set down the role of wife and mother and just be myself. I would check the plants and the bees, consider what to do next, and so forth. It was my DOWN time, when nobody would say "Mom can you" or "Honey could you" or whatever.

At any rate, my DD did not consider it a worthwhile thing to do, and so she tried to prevent me from doing it at all. Mind, she HAD learned to set HER OWN boundaries well enough to not listen if somebody did not enjoy her drawing or whatever, but she was not respecting MY boundaries when she decided that what I loved was silly!!!!!!

I had to put my foot down. "You like what you like and that is fine, but I like to like what *I* like as well, and I WILL do it once a week! I'm going!"

Almost 17 year olds (or 18 year olds) should not try to CHOOSE their PARENT'S hobbies. They get to choose their own. Not ours. Boundaries.

I suspect that that was what your son was up to: I did not think of it until I was feeding my bees at Eudora on the 5 acres that my DD tried to prevent me from enjoying. She sees no value in my own hobby but it is not her choice.