The thread I never wanted to write- VERY sad

jill.costello · #41 03/29/10, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Minelson

I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for being brave and posting the details. I have been through something similar and all I can tell you is that it took me 2 years to come to terms with the guilt and the anger towards God. I still have flashbacks of the tragedy and it continues to stop my heart and breathing. Luckily for me when it happened I had some valium on hand that I took for a few days and I feel that is what kept me from causing injury to the others involved (in this case it was 2 horses) I stayed in bed for the most part....for a long time. All I can tell you is that the intensity of the whole episode (finding her, her injuries, the vet) does wear off a little with time. Now I have my hubby give me signal that everything is ok when ever he walks in the door from outside because my heart would stop and I would go back to that day when he walked in the door to tell me what had happened outside. We just started doing that and I wished we would have thought of it sooner. there are certain triggers that we can address to avoid getting the flashbacks. I know where you are at...it is so painful, so tragic, so horrific...I truly feel for you.

You can pm me if you want to talk more about it....

Minelson,
Thank you. And I may just PM you, but first I will speak openly about my PTSD, and how an event like this, though a "natural" part of the circle of life, has nearly crippled me.
I returned from my service in Iraq with a physical injury, and was being put out of the military on medical retirement because of it. During my outprocessing, I started to develop syptoms of PTSD; night terrors, paranoia, hyper-vigilence, and depression. My emotions seemed to be turning against me, and I was dumbfounded how this strong, military woman became such a troubled, detached, and emotionally numb stranger.
During the very first few months as a civilian, Coffee was born. Alone, in the straw; her mother abandoned her. The owners of the farm said, "let her die; there's something wrong with her." For the first time in months, I FELT something. Though I could do nothing for myself, my troubles, my pain; I could do something for Her.
And so began our relationship. Coffee and her quirks, and needs, and troubles paralleled my own, and we stumbled along together. I was distant from loved ones, except with Her. I was emotionally numb, except with her. I was easily frustrated, and impatient, and all the other horrible symptoms of PTSD in all it's many facets: except with her; who was more fragile and needy even than me.
So this thing, this trauma; this tradgedy is all mixed up together in my mind. It's a trigger, it's a slap back to those dark days I thought were gone. I have completely relapsed, and though stronger in many ways for having had her in my care and through my recovery, the very fact that this new trauma is about HER makes it all the more a wild torrent of craziness and flashbacks in my head.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but it's an explaination to those of you who are scratching their heads about why such a hubbub about....just a goat.

GeorgiaGirl · #42 03/29/10, 05:59 PM

Wonderland,
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Just a few days back, two dogs got in my goat "field" and I just happened to look out the window but not until they had chewed a few legs. I was furious! I shot out the back door and flew back to the barn. I began beating the dogs who acted like I wasn't even there. The two girls survived but had and have very sore legs. My fencing is not what it should be. I'm praying the Lord will somehow make a way for us to better our fencing. You're in my prayers.

starjj · #43 03/29/10, 06:17 PM

Jill

So sorry that this happened. I lost a horse when someone left a gate opened. I was not there and drove out to the farm to find that Star had been put down by the vet and removed before I saw her (don't know if that was a blessing or not) Star was the first horse I had ever owned as mine and I was 45. It was months and months before I could deal with it and I understand your anger. I HATED to see any other horse it just brought back the pain.
I understand your rage at the dogs because I would have done EXACTLY what you did. Sometimes we do things just because it is a reaction to the pain we feel.

Your post is very brave and a tribute to your love of your goat and the caring person you are.

Time does heal but we never forget.

farmergirl · #44 03/29/10, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazy J

Sorry for the tragic loss of the goat.

However the ABUSE of the dogs after the fact accomplished nothing. I've been in your shoes in the past and the frustration and rage is real, but beating the dogs was not appropriate.

I know this may appear to be kicking you when you are down, but hopefully others will learn from your experience.

My thoughts exactly. Losing the goat is very sad. You anger and rage are justifiable. Beating the dogs hours later is not.

Edited to add: I just read your last post Jill. I now fully understand what happened, and how you snapped like that. I know you love your animals and take good care of them, so I was honestly stunned by you telling us that you returned home to thrash the holy heck out of the dogs. The PTSD reaction makes sense though. I'm so sorry that this has set you back. I know what it is to wrap your hope and sanity around an animal in need. For me it was adopting a 3 legged half starved dog when my mother was dying. When that precious dog died, a part of me went into the hole in the ground with her.

Alice In TX/MO · #45 03/29/10, 09:35 PM

Jill,
I understand. Goat lovers understand. Those who respect and honor your service understand.

Much love,
Alice

IndyGardenGal · #46 03/29/10, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jill.costello

Minelson,
Thank you. And I may just PM you, but first I will speak openly about my PTSD, and how an event like this, though a "natural" part of the circle of life, has nearly crippled me.
I returned from my service in Iraq with a physical injury, and was being put out of the military on medical retirement because of it. During my outprocessing, I started to develop syptoms of PTSD; night terrors, paranoia, hyper-vigilence, and depression. My emotions seemed to be turning against me, and I was dumbfounded how this strong, military woman became such a troubled, detached, and emotionally numb stranger.
During the very first few months as a civilian, Coffee was born. Alone, in the straw; her mother abandoned her. The owners of the farm said, "let her die; there's something wrong with her." For the first time in months, I FELT something. Though I could do nothing for myself, my troubles, my pain; I could do something for Her.
And so began our relationship. Coffee and her quirks, and needs, and troubles paralleled my own, and we stumbled along together. I was distant from loved ones, except with Her. I was emotionally numb, except with her. I was easily frustrated, and impatient, and all the other horrible symptoms of PTSD in all it's many facets: except with her; who was more fragile and needy even than me.
So this thing, this trauma; this tradgedy is all mixed up together in my mind. It's a trigger, it's a slap back to those dark days I thought were gone. I have completely relapsed, and though stronger in many ways for having had her in my care and through my recovery, the very fact that this new trauma is about HER makes it all the more a wild torrent of craziness and flashbacks in my head.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but it's an explaination to those of you who are scratching their heads about why such a hubbub about....just a goat.

I'm in tears typing this. This explanation gives more of an answer than anything. As the wife of a combat veteran with severe PTSD, you are in my prayers.

If you have no idea how PTSD affects a person, please keep any negative comments about her actions to yourself. It's not necessary and not helpful.

Goat Servant · #47 03/29/10, 10:07 PM

Oh Jill how horrific for you and Coffee. Wish I could find words of comfort to ease the pain.
God does understand and is not put off at all by your anger at him.

Starsmom · #48 03/29/10, 10:10 PM

Jill, PTSD is something that is difficult at best to understand. It takes months, even years for the person that has it to understand and family and friends and certainly strangers sometimes never understand. It makes you feel alone, sad, angry, scared and nearly every emotion there is at one time. For those of you that don't know, truly know, what PTSD is, well in short is reliving a horrible, life altering event, over and over..sometimes the actual event isn't even there, but the feelings of loss, rage, pain, fear, confusion and total loss of control is there, suddenly and without warning. A doctor once described it this way to me, when an emergency of some sort occurs and the adrenaline kicks in and all the emotions that come with it, well once the emergency or incident is over, things settle down and your brain goes back to normal. In cases of PTSD, your brain does not settle down and most certainly does not go back to normal. You have to learn to deal with it and your body is constantly thinking danger, fear and anxiety all the time. Can you imagine how your mind and body react when something really does happen, all that one top of the way your brain has come to know "normal"??? It is not easy, for the person, the family or the friends.

I am so sorry about what has happened. I pray that you are able to overcome this terrible setback. You are a fighter, if you weren't, you wouldn't be here telling us about what happened. I'm sure you know that expressing what happened is the one and only way to overcome. You must keep talking about it until the pain subsides.

I know it is probably too soon, but maybe you need another little goatie to love. Coffee helped you through a horrible time in your life and I am so sorry that what happened to her is the source of your pain. All you can do is to move forward..Coffee would not want you to be in this much pain. Try, try with all you have to make her proud. She would not want you to feel this way. I pray that you will make a quick recovery and find peace.

KimM · #49 03/29/10, 11:15 PM

Jill, I'm so very, very sorry about Coffee and I can understand your rage concerning the dogs.....no judgement here. You probably had more control than I would have shown. I'm so sorry. This made me cry for Coffee and for you. (((((((HUGS)))))))

Goat-Link · #50 03/30/10, 12:45 AM

Jill,
OMG! I am crying for you.. and crying for Coffee.. my heart aches for you.. and I do understand (somewhat) how much this has hurt you.. I came close to doing myself in at the loss of my Beloved Georgie 8 yrs ago.. he was to me like your Precious Coffee was to you.. he was my rock when my husband died. He was only almost 7 and died in my arms while I frantically tried CPR - he had a massive heart attack and nothing was going to save him. While his loss was very emotional for me it was Nothing like what you endured with Precious Coffee- I am SO SO Sorry.

I did however recently on a late night barn check, discover my main dog who has been with the goats day in and day out for 14 years without incident, eating the face of a goat who had an injury to a leg- the leg was not touched but she ate his face off to the bone and he was still alive, I have no idea what prompted her to do this, it was Horrid! She was immediately taken out of the barn and shot - as was he (there was NO fixing the damage she had done to him)
You will be in my heart and prayers I am so very sorry.
Let me also mention how Great the Vet Tech was in her quick thinking .. God Bless her
HUGS to you..

JKB07 · #51 03/30/10, 01:22 AM

Jill,

Im not a real emotional guy, but this just about got me.

I can't say much more, but you and Coffee are in my thoughts.

Justin

Cheribelle · #52 03/30/10, 03:09 AM

Oh Jill! I also really have no words, but please embrace thelove from these wonderful people, and please, look to God for healing.

beccachow · #53 03/30/10, 06:27 AM

No words. Hugs and prayers for you.

RedTartan · #54 03/30/10, 08:21 AM

(((Jill)))

cathleenc · #55 03/30/10, 09:09 AM

I am so sorry...... I've got some similar experiences - a dying cat who did not have enough circuation to be euthanized, a ripped up dog - and they have been hard to live with. I've found it helpful to literally say 'hello' to those hard memories and let them coexist for a minute with me instead of pushing them deeper. It does get easier.

It is not your fault. None of it. Life happens and what we do with the experiences is our responsibility. I wish you peace and joy!

Kshobbit · #56 03/30/10, 09:35 AM

I thought you were much more restrained in your beating of the dogs than I would have been. My Jack Russell climbed into a pen where my Partridge Rock pullets were housed and killed every single one of them, was standing in the middle of the carnage when I got there. I got my 410 and killed her. Buried her with the pullets.
Oh my hats off to you for serving in Iraq! God bless you for that too.

jill.costello · #57 03/30/10, 09:45 AM

Though in real danger of turning this into a "religious" thread, I need to add a twist to the story, probably mostly for more healing for ME, but to continue to share with you all; it IS helping!

What I didn't write in my very first post was that just the night before; that Friday night before "the day", I had layed in bed praying for Coffee.

I do most of my praying at that time, that time just before sleep when you're in that twilight state and your mind is open and clear.

I prayed to my lord that he would take her. That he would take her NOW, in her sleep, when she had had one of her "good days". We had played, and cuddled, and her breathing was good. The cancer hadn't debilitated her yet; her heart was still pumping on, even with the tumor pressing it. I prayed selflessly, and with all the love I had, that although I would miss her, I wanted Him to take her that night and avoid the slow decline over the very few months the Vet had given her.

So you can understand my shock and betrayal, then, when the manner of her death was EXACTLY the opposite of my fevent prayer. And only 12 hours after I had made my plea to Him.

Do I expect God to answer all my prayers? Of course not. But I believe he HEARS them all, and makes his best judgement on what to do about them.

So that is my pain in the theologic department. Did I have to "pay" for the blessing of having her in my life for 5 years?? Did all the joy she brought have a price; a price in blood?? I am very, very troubled.

celadon · #58 03/30/10, 09:58 AM

Jill, I am so sorry about Coffee. I would be feeling the same way. I would not of been so easy on the dogs. They would of all went to the vets and would of been put to sleep. I love my animals but I will not put up with that. There are to many good dogs to have bad ones around. Recently, I put my shepard down that walk up on the front porch and grabbed my cat and killed her instantly. I have lots of cats and 5 dogs. They are a pack but he was the only one that would chase my cats. No more cat maulings.
Again I am so sorry.

Minelson · #59 03/30/10, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jill.costello

So you can understand my shock and betrayal, then, when the manner of her death was EXACTLY the opposite of my fevent prayer. And only 12 hours after I had made my plea to Him.

Do I expect God to answer all my prayers? Of course not. But I believe he HEARS them all, and makes his best judgement on what to do about them.

So that is my pain in the theologic department. Did I have to "pay" for the blessing of having her in my life for 5 years?? Did all the joy she brought have a price; a price in blood?? I am very, very troubled.

Oh my. I totally understand why you are confused and troubled. It makes me confused and troubled too. But then I remember that God is not human...does not answer prayers in a human way because God is Love..nothing else. Everything else is fear. I don't believe in the traditional "hell". But I do believe that life, in this dimension, is a "hell" with glimpses of heaven when we are feeling joy. When my situation happened I was in hell. Not because I did anything wrong but because I felt separate from God..independent of God. I needed to bottom out to learn what I needed to learn about forgiveness. Mostly forgiveness of myself. And it's all a process that is ever changing. back and forth.
To me, my prayers to God are about having a relationship with God. Sharing my wishes, questions, gratitude and anger with. And usually my answers come to me through relationships with people...not painful events. Everything that went on with me was stuff going on in my head and not my heart. Yes..my heart was broken, shattered, smushed. But it was my head that was keeping Holy Spirit away from the healing that I needed.
You have a huge elephant of emotions, questions, learning, forgiving and all ahead of you. Since you have already been through "hell" and back you are one step ahead already. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
All the Joy that Coffee brought you and your relationship with her did not come at a price. I don't think we need to pay or hurt in return for love. We do have to struggle here in life because we feel we are separate from God. But in reality it, we never left...it just looks and feels like we did. It's an illusion. Right now just be gentle with yourself and let yourself go through the grief and shock. Use your friends and other animals for love and support. Try to remember to eat. And really, the advice on getting a baby goat is good advice in my opinion. Not to replace Coffee but to give you a reason to get out of bed and help with motivation. I had my baby goats born 3 days before my dear brother had a brain anyerism...They got me through the whole ordeal (had to take him off life support and he lingered) It's very hard to be sad around goofy, bouncy, crazy baby goats!
You are in my thoughts and prayers and hugs...sorry this is so long. There sure is a long list of wonderful people (rip brother Tim) and animals just peacefully waiting for our arrival. more hugs..

jen74145 · #60 03/30/10, 10:55 AM

Minelson put it much better than my own muddied logic could.

It's the whole fallen world thing. Nobody even ate meat until after the fall, neither humans nor animals. This world isn't how it was created.