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01/22/05, 08:20 PM
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Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 988
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How many cattle do you have? Don't ask...
....because out here in cattle country that would be considered, impolite, rude, downright intrusive and would most likely be met with a stoney glare.  Soooo.... I have concocted a sure fire way to distinguish how many cattle a fella has by his attire and/or coiffure. The following is the result of that most scientific study:
0 - immaculate cowboy hat, scarf, handlebar mustache, buckle as big as a pie plate, chaps, spurs, clean boots of exotic leather, pair of soft hands and smell of cologne.
1-10 - all of the above minus the mustache, chaps and scarf and a slightly smaller belt buckle. Smells like Copenhagen.
50-100 - Kinda grimey stockin hat or hooded sweatshirt, home cut hair and 2 day old beard, torn coverall and work boots with heifer dust caked on. Chapped hands and smells like manure, cigarettes and a smiggen of diesel.
100-500 - clean baseball cap, homecut hair, calculator and cellphone in his snapshirt pocket and velcro tennis shoes. Smells like linament and tums.
1000 and up - Sun visor, bermuda shorts, white t-shirt, flip flops, $100 haircut, and smells like money but could backslide at any time to any of the former categories.
Feel free to comment on any of your scientific observations of such.
Marilyn, the farmer's....oops.....cattleman's wife.. :yeeha: don't ask....... 
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01/22/05, 09:05 PM
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Big Front Porch advocate
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Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 44,402
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Marilyn
next time I go visit my folks in N. Texas I will have to keep this in mind and see how accurate you are. Of course, that's usually in Oct, so I may have to pull this out of the archives by then.
 AngieM2
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"Live your life, and forget your age." Norman Vincent Peale
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01/22/05, 09:19 PM
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Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 7,154
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How much money do you make???
How many acres do you own???
Who carrys your mortgage???
How much do you owe???
Where did you get the money for the down payment???
Why don't you have any children??
Which one of you are shooting blanks???
Did you have to get married???
How come your oldest child has black hair and the rest are blond??
Why is your pickup parked by the pub so much???
Is your husband an alcoholic???
How much weight have you gained??
Where do you find clothes that fit you???
Why don't we ever get together anymore???????
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01/22/05, 09:30 PM
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More dharma, less drama.
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Texas Coastal Bend/S. Missouri
Posts: 30,482
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Today I met a man with one last name who is the spitting image (size, shape, voice, mannerisms) of two students in my classes in a nearby town. I asked if they were related, but he said no. He does, however, admit to know their mom real well.
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Alice
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"No great thing is created suddenly." ~Epictitus
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01/22/05, 09:48 PM
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In Remembrance
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: South Central Kansas
Posts: 11,076
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You forgot one Uncle Will
You forgot one Uncle Will.
When is the baby due? Oh, sorry, I thought that you were pregnant.
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01/22/05, 10:01 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Whiskey Flats(Ft. Worth) , Tx
Posts: 8,707
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Marilyn in CO
....because out here in cattle country that would be considered, impolite, rude, downright intrusive and would most likely be met with a stoney glare. Soooo.... I have concocted a sure fire way to distinguish how many cattle a fella has by his attire and/or coiffure. The following is the result of that most scientific study:
0 - immaculate cowboy hat, scarf, handlebar mustache, buckle as big as a pie plate, chaps, spurs, clean boots of exotic leather, pair of soft hands and smell of cologne.
1-10 - all of the above minus the mustache, chaps and scarf and a slightly smaller belt buckle. Smells like Copenhagen.
50-100 - Kinda grimey stockin hat or hooded sweatshirt, home cut hair and 2 day old beard, torn coverall and work boots with heifer dust caked on. Chapped hands and smells like manure, cigarettes and a smiggen of diesel.
100-500 - clean baseball cap, homecut hair, calculator and cellphone in his snapshirt pocket and velcro tennis shoes. Smells like linament and tums.
1000 and up - Sun visor, bermuda shorts, white t-shirt, flip flops, $100 haircut, and smells like money but could backslide at any time to any of the former categories.
Feel free to comment on any of your scientific observations of such.
Marilyn, the farmer's....oops.....cattleman's wife.. :yeeha: don't ask....... |
........"0".................Possibly gay cowboy and an heir to large and very rich ranching family...
......."1-10"..............Poor slob whose father worked on a ranch . He grewup in that environment , decided to try it on his own and is leasing all his land and starts everyday with no money and and no expectation of Ever making any....
........."50-100"........Grewup around cattle , inheirted a small ranch , has a full time time business and is selfemployed but can't get the cowboy lifestyle out of his soul....
........"100-500".......Maybe was a cowboy during early years and knows the Biz . Too much work and not enough money . Buys and sells cattle for a living and represents clients for whom he is a Buyer but has NO desire to be Poor for the rest of his life . ..
........"500-1000".....Maybe a petroleum engineer who made alot of money , bought a ranch , hired the best ranch manager he could find , raises cattle , TOO make money and then ships to a feedlot to finish them out for final weight gain and maximum profit potential.........fordy... 
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01/22/05, 10:14 PM
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Zone 7
Posts: 10,539
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Around here in order to water the cattle from a stream you must not have more than 100 head. Therefore, the answer is aways "less than a hundred" 
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01/23/05, 12:41 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 2,395
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Ummm...
This is awful sexist, doncha think??? Where's the female version???
Jena
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01/23/05, 05:39 AM
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Moderator
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Ontario
Posts: 12,674
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I guess its rude to ask. I kept cattle, started small never got too big, 70 head was the biggest. Didn't make a whole lotta difference, my only claim to fame is I got pretty good at breaking even no matter how many I had. I always though the more you had the stronger the antacid, or the stronger the drink, and once you topped 1000 you'd likely have both!
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Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup........
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01/23/05, 06:00 AM
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In Remembrance
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: central New South Wales, Australia
Posts: 1,607
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by uncle Will in In.
Why don't we ever get together anymore???????
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Shush, Will, or everybody will guess. 
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τΏτ Don Armstrong,Terra Australis
Grandad, tell us a story about the olden days, when you were young and men could walk on the moon.
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01/23/05, 07:30 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Washington State
Posts: 88
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When I was dating my ex hubby 26 years ago, he told me, as we headed out to the ranch for the first time..."We own alot of land, you ever hear of the
Cartwrights?" I said "Uh...No"
He then said "How about Bonanza?" I about fell over!
He was kidding.
My father n' law did own alot of land and several hundred head but he never wore a baseball cap. He dressed more like the one mentioned below...
50-100 - Kinda grimey stockin hat or hooded sweatshirt, home cut hair and 2 day old beard, torn coverall and work boots with heifer dust caked on. Chapped hands and smells like manure, cigarettes and a smiggen of diesel.
smells like manure, cigarettes and a smiggen of diesel
Hey, now you're making me miss him!
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01/23/05, 08:01 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,751
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All hat and no cattle :yeeha:
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01/23/05, 08:36 AM
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Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 988
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Fordy, I liked those. Jena, woman's version forthcoming.....although it is a bit tougher to distinguish and taken me longer......maybe because I don't pay attention to the women as much Marilyn, the farmer's wife.....
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01/23/05, 09:29 AM
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Zone 7
Posts: 10,539
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About the only way you can tell the cattle owning women around here from the men is the women's feet are smaller, usually! 
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01/23/05, 10:44 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: NC
Posts: 1,803
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50-100 - Kinda grimey stockin hat or hooded sweatshirt, home cut hair and 2 day old beard, torn coverall and work boots with heifer dust caked on. Chapped hands and smells like manure, cigarettes and a smiggen of diesel.
The above fits my DH, but must be re-calibrated for NC dairyman (100-200), and re-phrased to "how many cows are you milking?" Oh, and replace the cigarette smell with Copenhagen.
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01/23/05, 12:12 PM
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Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 155
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Don't know exactly where I would fit in here. Got the same hat I had when I got the first heifer calf in 1980. Wear those $9.00 Wal Mart Velcro tennis shoes, Lost 82 lbs since last Feb (down to my Army weight again), Bought this place on my good looks and paid for it by driving a Kenworth truck pulling a 40ft. end dump trl. over 3 million accicdent free miles (land, house, cattle, feed bill, a whole fleet of wore out pickups parked outside, all pd. for) and most of them with those big ole round full moon dents in the doors from ole Bully Boy taking out his frustration. Quit tobacco products years ago when Marlboroghs went up to .32 cents and couldn't afford them any more. Used to empty a can of Cope into a sack of Red Man to give it a little extra bump, and just really like those little Tampa Jewels for an after Chaw smoke. These days every improvement we make around the place is something we think may make the grand daughter's life here easier one day. She's the one who when asked what she wants to be when she grows up said "I'm gone a be a Cowboy Girl". So I guess, like most other folks trying to live till they die, I just don't seem to fit any body elses boots.
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01/23/05, 09:35 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missouri
Posts: 2,349
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Dadgumit, you left out me, and I suspect, a whole lot of other folks. Where is that 10-50 cow group? I wear a tee shirt, bibs, a feed store cap, and tennies in the summer, unless it's muddy then I substitute gum boots. During the fall it switch to a flannel shirt + old ragged hooded zip up sweat shirt, with both pockets torn off and maybe sweat pants under my bibs. Now yesterday it was about 10 with 35 mph wind right out of the North while I was putting hay in the rings. I had on long johns, a set of sweats, an old down vest, insulated Carhartt bibs and a hooded Carhartt jacket and a knitted ski mask, and my tennies. I am amazed how warm those tennis shoes are. My wife jokes that she doesn't which smells worse, the diesel smell outside or the cow crap smell inside of my pickup. I am close enough to breaking even that I can still get a barbershop haircut, and some foo-foo to smell acceptable out in public.
Last edited by 65284; 01/23/05 at 09:38 PM.
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01/24/05, 01:08 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 3,510
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Must be a western thing. I'll ask some of the cousins who have big ranches out west. Nobody around here would get offended when you asked how many acres they have or how many cattle they run for that matter. Of course that is for a local. An outsider might get a frown. I dunno. I wouldn't mind if someone asked me how many acres I have or how many cattle I own.
Clothes? Usually a black baseball hat (worn backwards usually-I'm not an old fart just yet), A boonie hat or bandanna if I'm out in the bad sun in the heat. T shirt and bib overalls and hitech magnums or rubber firefighter boots if it really muddy. In the winter- carhart bibs, camo field jacket. foot wear depends on temp. Matterhorns usually , 80 below rated pac type boots if it is fully arctic and sometimes the rubber firefighter boots if it is real sloppy. Always have the cellphone, pocket knife, lighter and a Glock or Sig tucked someplace out of sight.
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